NC question

[eliot88]

so, i told my ex id take her out for her birthday- in fact i reconfirmed with her this last week. now i'm thinking that it is not that good of an idea. what's the best way to cancel this without seeming like a complete jerk? i don't want to tell her that it is because i feel too vulnerable to see her (as that would in intself be a huge vulnerability) and i don't want to seem downright rude. what should i do? (we barely talk on the phone, we communicate via email semi regularly and we haven't seen each other in about a month)

[Tinkerbell]

Before you cancel on her and hurt her feelings, perhaps you should consider why it is you wanted to take her out for her birthday in the first place. If after reconsidering you are still positive that it's not a good idea, than I suppose you're left with a white lie. Call her up as soon as possible and say that something's come up, a business dinner or something along the lines of that, but make sure to do this now, if you wait until the last second she's going to be certain that you're just blowing her off.

[Day_Walker]

I would rather see you take the jerk approach and blow her off rather than seeming overly sensitive. If you cancel for some reason she is gonna know the real reason you cancelled. The jerk approach is hard to do especially if you are a nice guy, but why would you want to be completely available for your ex? you have no obligation to her. The idea is to make her want you and for some strange reason something happens when you piss a female off. So you could be a nice guy or you could try something that going to work.

 

P.S. I realize you wont take this advice but when the situation goes bad because you were being a nice guy, I want you to be able to remember this post.

[Beec]

You told her that you wouldm take her, do it. Anything else makes you look bad. Just try to be unemotional and aloof, but genuinely and very friendly.

[lunatic]

Well if things are over between your two with no chance of getting back together. Well then be honest with her and tell her that it will hurt too much knowing that your not together anymore. It will just hurt you too much to take her out right now. Be honest either way she has to respect the fact that your not bull crapping her about why you don't want to take her out. Plus that is why she is an ex because you two are no longer together.

 

 

That is my two cents and what I would do,

 

Hubman 8)

[eliot88]

the opinions on this are totally varied, eh? i still (as absurd as it may be) have hope for getting back together- i just feel like seeing each other now would ultimately be very bad for the two of us... i'm still pissed and hurt and all of that other awful stuff that comes along with being broken hearted. another difficulty is that i would have to drive an hour and half just to take her out- and that just seems ridiculous. i still don't know what to do and i think that what tinkerbell said about letting her know sooner than later is right on- so i feel some pressure to make the decision.

 

i'm thinking that some sort of combo of all of this advice makes most sense... maybe let her know sooner than later that i won't be able to come but like hubman01 said i don't want to bullcrap her- maybe i won't come up with an excuse at all- i'll just say that i can't make it. that's the good part of being an ex... you don't have any obligation to explain your plans. daywalker don't be so quick to assume that i won't take your advice! i appreciate where it is coming from and i think it makes a lot of sense.

 

so, does it really make sense to cancel? and what does one do from there- i'm moving out of state very soon which is a great excuse to take lots of space but has anyone tried setting up an approx. date to re-check-in with your ex? god, i feel like i'm stumbling around in the dark here. thanks for all the help.

[Chandler]

You should definitely worry about yourself right now. That is more important. If you feel you are not ready to see her, then don't.

 

I thought I was ready to see my ex, but when I did (and it was only for about 15-20 minutes), I felt sad again...for about 2 days. It reminded me of what I've lost. My visit was out of necessity because I had some things I had to pick up, but if I had the option, I would choose not to see her for a long while.

[kitten]

Let me chip in here.

 

I say you definitely take her out. Let me tell you why this sounds like a good idea to me.

 

First and most obvious: You said you would. Cancelling, as you said, makes you seem like a jerk. If you want this girl back, being a jerk isn't going to help.

 

Second, you haven't seen each other in a month. This is your chance to have a light, pleasant evening together. This is your chance to show her some of the changes you've made to be a better person (*show*, do not *tell*).

 

Here's what I say: You pick somewhere nice, offer to pick her up (she may just want to meet you there, so ask if she'd like to be picked up!) Keep consversation light -- don't be vapid, but do *not* get dragged into a discussion, or even a mention, of the relationship.(1) That will most likely degenerate into a dismal evening of apologies, accusations, fights, resentment. Your goal is to keep things as no-pressure and amicable as possible.

 

When you pick her up, give her a rose. (Or give it to her at the restaurant when she meets you, if that's the way it goes.) Be friendly, be happy, be sincere, and do not show for one second that you're miserable without her.

 

Try not to make the evening last *too* long. You'll know when it's time to quit. The idea is to make her see that you're a good guy, and as they say in stand-up comedy, "Leave 'em wanting more". At the end, simply make sure she knows you had a wonderful time and you really enjoyed seeing her again. As I said, don't get into the relationship and don't use this time to sort out problems the two of you had.

 

Then, congratulations -- you've shown her a good time and what a great guy you are, and she'll appreciate that, and I bet it will make her think twice about why she broke up with you.

 

My further advice is to avoid contacting her for the next few days and see if she calls you. When the two of you do talk again, maybe -- if the timing feels right -- you could mention that you had a great time with her and see if she'd like to do something else (movie, dinner, whatever) in the near future.

 

This was way longer than I intended it to be, but with reason: I, too, have not seen my ex in about a month, and I, too, planned to take her out for a birthday (in this case, my own), but she ignored my invitation. If you have the chance to do what I couldn't, DO IT.