How do you communicate this?? Is it a thought process difference men vs. women?

[RedDress]

I was talking tonight to my very recent ex (we broke up this weekend). We got into an argument and it seems like I've had this same type of argument before with other exes... he told me we have "communication issues". I'm starting to think the problem is me???

 

One of the reasons (among many) that we broke up is because... well... I was bored. I'm a pretty adventurous person and we rarely did anything fun. He claimed he had NO idea that I was upset about it.

 

During our relationship, I told him many times (calmly) that we never did anything fun. I wasn't upset or yelling or anything at the time I was saying it (maybe that's the problem?). In order to try to fix this, I tried to plan a number of things:

 

- I found a place to go snowshoeing. He said 'no' - that the weekend wasn't convenient.

- I found a place to do some artsy painting stuff (because he's artsy) - he said 'no' because he wasn't into it.

- I offered to go to the museum. He said 'no' because at the time I offered it was already the afternoon and the museum was closing in a few hours.

- I actually physically drove him to a bowling alley - he said 'no' because he had a sore wrist.

- I tried to plan a weekend getaway - he said 'no' because it cost too much.

- I tried to plan a day downtown - he said 'no' because he was tired and it was too far.

 

I could go on...

 

The thing is... when each of these instances happened (they happened over a long period of time), I didn't really get mad at him. The thing is... I wasn't mad. Mildly annoyed, maybe. But not mad. I'm a reasonable person! Each of these 'reasons' are valid reasons. I'm actually not upset at any one particular instance... I'm mad at the trend. There is a trend of him saying 'no' to fun things I want to do and not taking the initiative to plan something different that he would be willing to do.

 

I think the part that frustrates me is that these guys (exes) say they have NO idea that I am mad about it by the time I get mad. That if they would have known, they would have done something about it. But... they knew I was generally complaning about (in this case fun things to do). I just wasn't getting mad at each individual instance...

 

I hope this makes sense to someone...

 

How do you communicate this?? How do you communicate an emerging trend until it actually emerges? Sometimes I wonder if I should just freak out more??? Or maybe it's just a difference in the way men and women think? Men think in instances and women think in trends?

 

I'm totally lost on this one and tired of having this conversation. Help?

[whes]

Some people have different ideas about activities. To some, being active means going out for coffee once a week, perfectly content to stay in the rest of the time. For others it means going and getting drunk every single night. Others require going on holidays halfway accross the world for months at a time. I think each one of those different people would have a hard time understanding the others.

 

Are your exes similar to each other, at least in terms of how many activities they participate in? If you are attracted to a certain kind of person, they might all have a similar, low-key attitude about doing stuff. I think it's as simple as finding someone who is a bit more interested in the world, someone who likes to try new things, someone who is up for a bit of spontaneity and adventure.

 

As far as trends vs. instances, I have no idea. I think some people just see the bigger picture, sense patterns, or are more sensitive to that sort of thing than others. I don't think it makes a difference whether it's a man or a woman.

[Callacova]

Men are direct and women are indirect. So, if you're feeling bored say "I feel bored, I need you to take me out more, or else I might be too bored and leave" from your post, you were hoping he wouldve read you mind, which is never the case. So, you have to change your communication style if you ever want a relationship with a man to work.

[TidalWave]

I think the part that frustrates me is that these guys (exes) say they have NO idea that I am mad about it by the time I get mad. That if they would have known, they would have done something about it.

 

You're better off this way. Or would you rather be ''stuck'' with someone who says YES only in times you are getting already pissed off of him saying NO all the time? People who are bored and most probably boring, as in, lack ''the drive'' will eventually start to bore people around them.

 

I have a lot of friends like that, when I try to suggest we do something all I hear is NO + some excuse. They turn down all of my ideas. Some of them are not do-able in 1 person, and it's really making me sick. The only activity they suggest in return is going to a pub and sitting with bunch of losers who spend more time over there than at their homes, getting drunk and telling all the unnecessary things that you don't need to hear.

 

Hang in there, you'll meet a guy one day who's, well, like me. haha. j/k.

[geekgirl4]

I think it's a little of both. You should try to be more vocal about how you feel. You don't have to be honest only when you're actually affected by something (i.e. annoyed when he said no). If you think you see a trend you don't like it can be as simple as sitting down with your partner and letting them know you'd love it if the two of you tried new different things together to keep the relationship fresh and good. Honestly, some people just don't know but would be willing to change if it was brought to their attention. A partner helps you learn and grow; being silent does not help that. I also think that perhaps it might be the kind of guys you generally go for - it could be a low key activity type of guy.

[RedDress]

Thanks, everyone.

 

@Whes - Yes, you make a good point. To be honest, I'm even MUCH more adventurous than that... hand me a parachute and kick me out of an airplane! But, I recognize that it may be hard to find that person and I can 'settle' for something a little more low key... but THAT low key?? Maybe it's as simple as incompatibility and not so much about communication.

 

@Callacova - I don't think I was trying to get him to read my mind... I WAS saying that I was bored. I DIDN'T say that I was going to leave, though. It seemed harsh... and I don't want to throw that ultimatum on everything. But you are right. Perhaps when I see these things happening, I need to stop for a moment and explain that while I'm not mad at the MOMENT that these things are important to me and it COULD be a problem down the road if the behaviour continues.

 

@TidalWave - OMG! "No" people. I really think you hit the nail on the head, there. I HATE "no" people!!! And they are SO hard to flush out in the beginning of a relationship when everything is new. Everyone is all excited at first and are less likely to say "no". Do "no" people even KNOW that they are "no" people?? I don't even think they do! And aren't they creative with their "no"s? Where do they get all these excuses from and how do they not realize they are excuses???

 

@geekgirl - Yes, I think that's the part that annoyed me the most. I did try to do that... I said I was bored and proceeded to try to make plans. It was only when I freaked out at the end that it "kicked in" that I was upset about it. It probably just comes down to compatibility

 

Thanks, everyone. I am starting to feel better. I think it's just a great big sign of incompatibility. When I think about it... this conversation has been repeated with the same 'type' of low-key guy. Maybe if it were a more active type of guy, he'd pick up on my complaints because he'd be feeling the same way...

 

Ok... feeling better...

[Dezireey]

To be honest I skimmed your post first then read it properly and what drew my attention straight away and what popped up in my mind straight away is that you need to find a man that enjoys doing these activities with you. period. If it wasn't so important to have a man join you in doing these things then why have you posted on here?. Okay, we could say that this ex is being unreasonable, personally I think there should be some compromise in a relationship. Why does a day downtown and a trip to a bowling alley bother him so much? that's a bit selfish on his part. I can sort of understand if someone can't spend money or won't go e.g. skydiving because they are afraid of heights but a trip into town? I think you need to separate the levels of activities in order of importance to you in your mind and act on them quickly if it happens again with a man not wanting to participate. But like you said , how can you establish a pattern until a pattern is observed? If you are keen to move on and find someone else, I think for you this should be on your priority list. I am not as active as you but one thing that makes me think that my ex and I aren't suited is that he is the type of person who would and never will go to a restaurant for a meal, neither would he ever go away for a nice weekend. Those two things are things that I would really miss greatly throughout my life if I couldn't share it with a partner (there are more things on my list than that too but just making a point!).

[MaryJane2011]

I think the part that frustrates me is that these guys (exes) say they have NO idea that I am mad about it by the time I get mad. That if they would have known, they would have done something about it. But... they knew I was generally complaning about (in this case fun things to do). I just wasn't getting mad at each individual instance...

 

LOL, my ex said exactly the same thing to me after I broke up. He complained I did not tell him the reason why I broke up and said "by knowing what the issue was I could have done something about it". Then I told him why I wanted to break up, in a very calm and friendly way, no scolding or blaming, and then expected him to "do something about it". He did nothing. He asked to get back together several times but never mentioned any of the issues I brought up. I rejected him because he did not want to solve any problem at all.

 

Then... he suddenly exploded, accusing me for things I never did. He called me a b**** and pictured me as a psycho. He started pouting out how unhappy he was when we were together, He put a malicious assumption to anything I did to him.

 

At first I was really hurt. It feels like I had been with somebody I never really knew. Everything in our relationship was a lie. I was as confused as you are, as I really made myself very clear in our communication. But now I think I understand it better. He's just venting his emotions for being dumped. There are people who want to leave a relationship with dignity. There are people who choose to make things nasty if the relationship did not work out. My ex is just the latter....