Steps to becoming stronger after a break up

[Aktrez]

* Your heart feels hollow…. You sometimes find it hard to breath. Other times, you feel as though you are going to have a panic attack.

 

* You find yourself obsessing over the quest to know what your significant other is doing.. You search for their name online, you go through their things (if you still have access) In hopes that you will find something… even though you KNOW what you are looking for will tear you apart inside….

 

* You feel an emptiness inside that is so painful, you squirm in your seat….

 

* You stare at your computer screen… your book… or the wall… in a daze….. unable to focus on anything you are doing.

 

* Thoughts swirl in your head nonstop… "If only I had been more loving"… "If only I had told him/her how I felt"…. "If only I didn't argue so much"……..

 

* You can't eat.. because your stomach is a constant swirl of fear and fire….

 

* You stay awake at night, exchanging fits of tears, anger and fear with bouts of pure exhaustion.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Almost three months ago, I went through the exact same emotions as you are feeling right now. I found myself obsessed with advice from friends, strangers, anyone who would share their opinions with me. Those who would advise the negative, I tossed aside claiming "They don't know my situation".

 

The pain of being left by the person you love is the most intrusive feeling in the world. It surpasses all else, as it is a pain that you feel will never cease. You go to sleep with it…. You wake up with it…. Nothing makes it go away.

 

Believe it or not.. there is hope! Now, what I'm about to explain is not a fool proof solution.. It's not a method that will work in all situations… it's not the end all be all in ways to get back together. But, what it is.. is a sanity keeper. It's an inspirational message that will (hopefully) keep you getting through the day by day.

 

Step #1 Breath

When my boyfriend of 4 years told me he "Needed a break", the first thing I did was hyperventilate. The word break to me meant "I'm not going to be able to hold him.. kiss him.. see him." Even worse… to me.. it meant "He's going out to find someone else." Let's face it, the idea that the person we love may be out flirting with, kissing, even sleeping with another person is one of the prime reasons we sit at home and post on forums like this.

 

I would sit in my room, in front of my computer and begin to hyperventilate.. I would find myself holding my breath while reading, until I had to gasp a bit for air… I wasn't thinking about it. It just happened. When I finally realized what I was doing (about a month into my depression) I took a few minutes to just breathe.

 

You would not believe the freedom I felt from closing my eyes… and just taking a few very deep breaths. When we are stressed or anxious, our body does things that our mind doesn't realize it's doing. Concentrating on these bodily functions not only helps to solve health issues, but it also gets our mind off our situation long enough to have a bit of a break.

 

Step #2 Be miserable yes, I know… most people would look at this statement and slap me. But, you need to take the time to actually be miserable. You need to cry… scream… sit and your room and mope. It's what the body naturally wants to do.. so don't fight it. The key is.. take the time to do it, but don't let it take the time to overpower you. For the first few days.. let the grief overwhelm. Come day 3 or 4, stop and evaluate what you have felt.. what you have thought for the past few days. Begin to think of the reasons you had these feelings. And say to yourself.. "I've had them.. now it's time to move on."

 

Step #3 Write One of the best things I have ever done for myself is to create a live journal. If you go to link removed you can sign up for free. Now, everyone has a different method of getting their feelings out. Some people want to do it privately, some want to share with just friends, others (like me) feel that the more advice I get, the better, so I share with the world. No matter how you do it… do it. Write down EVERY single thought you are feeling. Every single thing that happens… write it down. The next step.. read it! Go back every day and read over what you have felt in the previous days. Think about your feelings.. and how you feel now.. how you felt before.. how you think you will feel tomorrow…

 

Step # 4 Go online and read about something you have NEVER EVER read about before. Go read the ENTIRE CNN site from front to back. Go to the local book store or library, and read about something you have always wanted to read about… or something you have never even thought about reading. Read inspirational stories about people in your shoes.. about people you admire. And LEARN!

 

Step #5 yourself with friends This is a very tough thing to do with what you are feeling right now. You don't want to bring everyone else down, and you don't want to "Date". So don't! Go out with 1 or 2 of your closest friends and just talk… vent… then let them drag the fun out of you!! Talk on the phone… talk online.. anything.. just talk! A lot!!!

 

Step #6 Hoping This one I learned through experience.. the more I HOPED my ex would come back, the deeper into depression I sank. This HOPE made me evaluate EVERY word he said to me. Made me question everything he had EVER said to me.. and kept a false sense of security around..

 

Step #7 FAITH Now, there is a difference between hope and faith. Hope will make you go nuts… wondering.. questioning… analyzing. Where, if you have faith.. if you feel that deep down you two will get back together… hold on to that.. and turn it into positive energy!

 

Step #8 I know this is another hard one. Who wants to be active when your stomach is turning and you feel like you just want to sleep all day. But honestly, this has been a LIFESAVER for me. Just putting on my headphones and jumpin on my step machine takes me away from the situation. The adrenaline pumps up my spirits.. and the bodily results I have seen have gotten my self esteem up where it has NEVER been! Not to mention, when my ex sees the progress I am making… he is VERY pleased!!

 

Step #9 it and leave it Many people are going to give you advice right now. Most of the people giving you this advice are those who are feeding off of their own experience with a similar situation. Listen to all the advice, but don't let negative feedback get you down. I am a firm believer that the phrase "You can do better" and "Just move on" were invented to break the spirit. Yes, the people who say them mean well.. but, to someone with a broken heart.. those are just not the words that need to be heard. Take advice, give advice, but ALWAYS try to remain positive!!

 

And Step #10 yourself Everyone can better themselves. No one is perfect and there is always room for improvement. Many times we look into our own selves to find the answers to why things happened the way they did. Usually we come up with some pretty negative things about ourselves that we wished we could have "done differently." Now is the time to begin to work on those negative things. If you have low self esteem… work on boosting it!! If you know you are too picky…. Start working on that… whatever it may be… begin bettering YOU! Not only is it good for you, but, when your ex comes around and sees what improvements you have made.. and how strong you are, you will be even more attractive!!

 

Remember.. this isn't about you. This situation is about your ex feeling things they can't handle and they need to get away. Don't blame yourself. Instead, take this free time to do things that you may not have thought about doing when you were comfortable with your ex. If you beg, cry, manipulate… the relationship will only go sour. Instead, greive, but then begin to start doing things to improve you!

 

Hey, I may not have the perfect relationship.. and I have a long way to go. But, honestly, these steps have helped me to become a strong, confident individual. I know how that whatever is thrown my way.. I will be able to handle! And you will to!!

 

If you would like to read more about my situation, and how I have been handling things... feel free to read my personal journal. While I may not have made all the right decisions... I hope that you can take something from it and apply it to your situation!!

 

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[fantasia2004]

This is very helpful thank you.

[spun25]

WOW...great post Aktrez!!!!

you've most likely begun the stage of self healing after your breakup. so have i. i'm in the same boat you're in right now. i'm working out a whole lot more, hanging out with friends, and not feeling sorry for myself. cause i'm a damn good catch for any girl in the world.

 

thanks for the awesome post. you really seem to be in control of your feelings. and not having them control you. and by the way, i do have to say this...you are pretty hot! whoever this guy was that left you has got to be a blind idiot.

 

we are all just a speck of dust on this earth. and thinking that there's just one person who we can share ourselves with is crazy. there will always be other people that blow us away. so i'm not worried about not finding another girl who rocks my world like my ex did.

 

-Spun25

[skynet74]

I agree. great Post! The hard part for me is "history". I have a difficult time getting past all the great times the Ex and I had. All the stuff we shared. The places we went. All the cool things we would do. Those things can never be replaced by another person no matter how nice they are.

 

Yes we will still have good times with another person (perhaps even better times). But the uncertainty of it all is so scary for me. Who will those good times be with? Where is this person right now? Where will I meet them? Will it be a successful relationship or will it only be the beginning of many short relationships in my future? Will I have to keep going through this pain that I am feeling right now? I would be lying if I didn't say that I am worried for what the future holds. I am very worried. When you have a long term relationship that you think is going to last till the day you die, you feel secure in that. You are never really prepared for any other outcome. Now we are realizing that we have to be.

 

I was telling someone today that I can't believe I let another person have so much power over me that I would crumble to pieces by their ONE SINGLE DECISION! It took so little effort for my Ex to change my whole Life! Our Ex's have so much Power that it is SCARY!

 

My advice is to Love like crazy...... But don't love so much that you can't function without the other person. No matter how in love you are.... always make sure you have your own life too. The Day may come when Your Life is the only one you may have left.

 

 

 

 

John

[Satch]

I've read about 1/4 of the book 'How to get your lover back', and have read some interesting things.

 

The author Blase Harris, comments on how going from relationship to relationship will hardly ever grow an individual. They will most likely fall into the same habits that caused the last relationship to fail. I'll quote one paragraph from his book that makes perfect sense to me:

 

"A lost relationship may be a lost opportunity growth. A relationship regained can be a regained opportunity for accelerated growth for you and your lover."

 

If you believe in your ex, this should be one reason, and enough motivation, to try your best to regain that love.

[skynet74]

"A lost relationship may be a lost opportunity growth. A relationship regained can be a regained opportunity for accelerated growth for you and your lover."

 

If you believe in your ex, this should be one reason, and enough motivation, to try your best to regain that love.

------------------------

 

 

That makes so much sense. I only wish that our Ex's could see that quote. Then maybe they would think twice about what they are doing.

 

 

 

John

[Satch]

" That makes so much sense. I only wish that our Ex's could see that quote. Then maybe they would think twice about what they are doing.

 

My thoughts exactly as I was typing this in. Would it hurt to send this quote to your ex in a light manner (if that is possible)?

[Aktrez]

I truly think that the BEST thing to do right now is not worry about your ex. Worry about you. Better yourself and make yourself SOO irresistible that, when your ex sees you next, all they will want to do is listen to your tales of improvement. When that time comes, you can whip out that quote from the book you read. And ask your ex how they feel about it.

 

(P.S. on a side note, that quote is so true. For those of you who have been following my story, matt and I got back together last night. He believes I AM the one for him and is dedicated to working VERY hard at our relationship in order to make it the best it can be. He said almost the exact same thing... he wants us to grow together.. not apart. )

[d346]

good for you Aktrez! I followed your posts. My word of advice: Don't let him ever do this to you again! Because if he does, you know you'll have a lifetime of problems with him! This is something I have also told myself...so far so good on the reconciliation front. But if he tries to shy away again, I have to think, do I want my world to crumble like this on a regular basis for the rest of my life??!!!

 

A word of advice on the healing front: My breakup was short-lived (about a month) but I felt all those things listed. I couldn't even get myself to work. (I "worked from home", which was me staring into space on my couch, and then walking around the block every hour because I was always so agitated) I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep through the night -waking up every 2-3 hours (My mind was so agitated that prescription sleeping aids didn't even work!!!) I was crying all day (even to my primary care physician who prescribed me the sleeping aids!)

 

So I saw a therapist for two sessions (highly recommended by my PCP). believe it or not she helped tremendously, and I recommend it. I was sick of hearing my friends say, he's a jerk, just move on. She told me that I should just mourn the loss right now and not worry about moving on yet. She said you just can't. Someone telling you to move on is like telling you not to think of a red fire truck. impossible. Just cry, be sad, but be gentle to yourself for a little while. what helped me the most is she said, think about your own loss, but don't try to get into his head Don't wonder what he is doing, what he is thinking, how he's handling the loss. because if you do that it slows down the healing processs. Instead of just getting over your own sadness, your head is running circles wondering about him. and this circle/cycle never ends. (or at least prolongs the process tremendously)

 

She also helped me disect our relationship, and see things that made ME unhappy (around the breakup). That really put things in perspective, because I realized that I would have done ANYTHING to hold things together. Now that I can see those things, I can be a stronger person in the reconcilation process. I'm now not going bend over backwards to hold things together for fear he'll walk away. I now know that we BOTH have to work at things if this relationship is going to work.

[Aktrez]

Absolutely D346. I too started seeing a shrink and it has helped SOO much! I feel like we are ready to start over again as a couple. We both recognize the need to work hard at our relationship and when things go bad, work TOGETHER to fix them!