I keep feeling worse and worse

[Firiel]

I have been struggling with anxiety, hopelessness, thoughts of death, etc. for over 2.5 years now. I've had rough spells in my life before, but they haven't lasted longer than a year at the most.

 

It's been really bad for the past six months or so. I just graduated from college and got married... moved to a place where I have one friend besides my husband. I haven't been able to find a real job. I'm working as a janitor and in childcare. I went to loving what I was studying (seriously... it consumed my life, and even though it was tough, it was okay because it was awesome stuff) to barely being able to pull myself out of bed when I only have a six hour workday in front of me. It was okay for awhile. I was miserable for four days but then was pretty happy over the three day weekend. But now, the (I'm disinclined to use the word because I don't want to self-diagnose, but I can't think of any other word to use) depression is seeping into my weekends too. All I've done for the past three weeks is cry. I'm getting cranky and irritable with my husband which isn't fair because he is an awesome guy. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to bother my husband because I know he somehow feels like he's failing when I'm miserable even though it's not his fault.

 

Everyone always told me how smart I was... how talented I was... how my diligence would get me far. And here I am, having totally let everyone down. I let my family down and my professors down. I'm a janitor. I've had a couple of call-backs for better jobs, but I get so nervous that I botch the interviews. I almost have a breakdown every morning because I can't stand the thought of another day. Nothing makes me feel better. My faith has always been important to me, and I feel like I'm losing that too. I have no friends. My husband works on Saturdays, and I just sit at home... Everyone around me is doing something with their life, even if it's not what they expected. I'm just cleaning toilets and dealing with snotty-nosed children.

 

I thought I'd snap out of it eventually. I always have in the past. But I can't. It's not getting better, and I don't think it ever will. The only thing that's keeping me from seriously contemplating suicide is that I could never do that to my husband. I don't want to tell anyone how I'm feeling because I don't want to be an attention-seeker. I know people will just tell me good things about me, blah blah blah.

 

But I had to tell somebody, so there it is.

[annie24]

(((BIG HUGS)))

 

i wish i could help you. job hunting sucks. just keep looking, don't get your head down. i would feel upset if i had to take a job below my qualifications as well. however, at least what you are doing is honest, important work. can you talk to a career counselor to help you interview better, not get so nervous?

 

have you met any friends through church?

[Firiel]

I've met friendly acquaintances through church. We go to church about 30 minutes away, though, and since I work in the evenings, I'm really only available to go on Sunday mornings... small groups and social things aren't really much of an option there. I got an offer to go to grad school for English with a TAship, which would waive my tuition and give me a small stipend, but I can't help but think it'd be as useless as my BA is.

 

I've been meaning to use my old university's career service, but I've been forgetting. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow...

[annie24]

i guess it depends on what you do with your degree in english. if you can think of a way to 'market' yourself, that would be good. yes, definitely check out your old career center!! big hugs, wishing you well!!

[Circe]

((((HUGS)))) from me too.. I think Annie offers great advice. All I can say is to keep trying and don't give up hope and things will change. I understand not wanting to share how you feel with your husband because you don't want to make him feel bad - but I think you should open up to him a bit. He wouldn't want you to be suffering in silence about all this and he has the ability to be there for you - even if that just means listening to you talk - hugging you if you need to cry etc.

 

I know you didn't train and spend all those years to do work that doesn't utilise those skills but that won't be a permanent situation and you have to believe that. You will get better and better with interviews the more you do. You've had experience with a few now so you know what to expect and can prepare even more for the new one.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Things do change and it won't always be this way. Definitely hold on to that..

 

I'm sorry - I wish I could say or do more..

[BMP2CPM]

Just because you can't find a job, doesn't mean you can't create a job or career for yourself.

 

At first glance, I see the following:

 

1) Smart, intelligent, college-educated person

2) Someone who can write well

3) Someone who is young and has their whole life ahead of them

4) Someone who is kind of easy on the eyes (no, I'm not hitting on you)

 

You have access to technology that no one in the world had 20 years ago.

 

You could pick something that interests you. Then write, blog, and video blog about it. You can network remotely with experts in that field you're interested in. Within 5 years with a lot of work could be self-employed and have a six-figure salary in a field that interests you.

 

For instance, you could become the next Cali Lewis in a field that interests you. Look her up on Wikipedia.

 

Seriously, figure out what you like, what kind of niche you want. It can be yours. You have the smarts. You have the technology. The question is do you have the desire to go out of your comfort zone and become something more.

[catfeeder]

Congrats on your marriage and graduating. You're coming down off two major highs, and that's enough to make anyone crash. You're not a disappointment to anyone. If it's any comfort, I couldn't find even a part time job for a full year after grad school. I was eyeing grocery baggers as lucky and I created a whole second resume that dumbed down my job titles and omitted my master's--just to be considered for ANYthing. This is the worst recession of our lifetime, and I hope you'll use that fact to put in perspective how proud you can be to acquire and work a job, any job, right now.

 

Yes, you may be suffering depression, and while that's common enough for people to self-diagnose, that doesn't mean that treatment is always the same. Many people find a combo plate of talk therapy, diet changes and increased exercise to work wonders, while some people do end up needing meds. However, there's situational depression and chronic depression. Sometimes the situational lifts by itself, while other times it impacts brain chemistry to the degree that it presents as chronic, even while temporary meds can 'fix' this--so it's not something to avoid out of fear when you can actually take steps to prevent it from getting worse. There's no sense in trying to white-knuckle your way through this if its at all possible for you to seek treatment. Don't rely on a regular MD for this kind of assessment, ask for a referral to a psychologist who can work with you and help you decide over time whether you'll want to skip or pursue the route of meds. Those are not the only way to work this.

 

Head high, and hang in there.

[Firiel]

I know I've disappointed my parents. They hate my husband and almost disowned me when we decided to get married. And one of my professors was very disappointed in me because I chose to get married rather than go directly onto grad school.

 

I know what I want to do. I want to either be a college professor (probably at a community college) or preferably be an editor with a publishing house and after several years take a part-time position with said publishing house and raise a family and eventually become a literary agent and discover the next great American novel. I just feel like it's impossible. All those jobs are accross the country. They all require experience, even if it's just general office experience. It's just really hard to view all of that as a viable opportunity when I can't even snag a part-time job at the local library, you know?

 

This encouragement has helped, though. I'm not feeling nearly as bad as I was earlier today. I know in my head that I'm smart and talented, but I feel totally unable to tap into my potential to actually achieve anything.

[annie24]

don't let that professor get you down - we all have to make our own life choices.

 

if going to grad school will help you out in achieving your dreams, then go for it.

[catfeeder]

don't let that professor get you down - we all have to make our own life choices.

 

if going to grad school will help you out in achieving your dreams, then go for it.

 

I agree. It's not good for your head to confuse someone's disappointment with something you do with any valid disappointment in who you are. Part of maturity is recognizing that you're not responsible for pleasing anyone beyond your Self and your spouse. Beyond that, everyone else is coming from their projections onto a life that is not their own to live. Which means they don't get a vote.

 

While I hate speaking in generalities, right now most things appear impossible to most people--it's the recession climate. The up side is that this might mean it's not such a bad idea to ride out this thing while in grad school if you can swing it. Things aren't exactly getting better any time soon, and if more opportunities become available by the time you finish your program, you'll be better positioned to capitalize on them. Worst case scenario is you've gained an education in something you're passionate about. Who knows what the future will bring to any of us? At least you have the gift of knowing what your bliss looks like--some people can't even identify that much for themselves.

 

In your corner.