Need advice about my relationship

[debaser]

Hi everyone, I'm new here...I hope I'm posting this in the right forum. Apologies if I'm not. I was hoping you guys could give me some advice as I really need it. This may take a while, sorry, but I'll try and make it as short as I can:

 

I've been with my fiance for 3 years next month. We moved in together after about 3 months and got engaged around the same time. I love him to bits and he loves me very much as well. We've had a hard relationship with lots of arguments - mostly trust issues etc.. but, anyway...

 

I am severely agoraphobic - for the last year and a half I've been completely housebound and haven't even spoken or seen another person apart from my fiance (I'll call him "Peter"). Peter has a short temper (he's not violent at all by the way) so I think he finds it hard to have patience with my illness, as you can understand, and even though I think he tries his best, he can be a quite selfish at times.

 

I go on the internet a lot because I'm obviously limited with what I can and can't do. I met this guy in a chat room (I'll call him "Rob"). Well, it turns out he lives in my town and I kind of know him...very vaguely - he was a barman at a club I used to go to - we'd only said hi once or twice maybe and he knows a few people I know. Anyway, we got talking and I told him about my illness, and he said his Dad had had the same illness years ago and he wanted to help me get better. He said how bad he feels for me and how he wants to help me get my life back - how no-one should have to live like this. I was very grateful but I didn't think he could help me - after all, it's been almost two years and nothing has made me feel any better.

 

Well, since I've been talking to him, I feel a lot less depressed and I even managed to go outside into my garden (that was a huge step for me)! And, bigger than that, I had "contact" with someone other than Peter for the first time in two years - Rob drove past my house and I looked out the window at him, then the next day I opened the window and waved to him when he drove past! I know that probably sounds stupid, but it really is a massive step forward for me.

 

Here's where things get hard. Rob has feelings for me - he says I'm his perfect partner and how much he cares about me. So, we talked about this and he said he wants to help me get better, and he would love to be with me one day. But, he said either way there would be no hard feelings and we'd remain great friends. He said if I ever split up with Peter he understood if I needed space, or if I needed him around - he could help with my rent etc, or he could give me space, whatever I needed. And, even if nothing ever happened romantically, he'd still be around for me... he was so nice to me about it, and there was no pressure, it was just a relaxed open conversation.

 

But, now I don't know what to do. I love Peter so much, but we don't have a great relationship... he doesn't pay me much attention - he spends all day playing his computer or something. He's always in a mood and often says or does things that hurt me. We love each other so much though. When we've argued and one of us has said "that's it, we're splitting up" in the heat of the moment or something... we've both cried our eyes out. I don't know what my life would be like without him, and I don't know if I could cope with the hurt of losing him. I don't know if the pain would be unbearable. But, we argue a lot and don't have a really happy relationship a lot of the time. I have given it three years to improve - I didn't just give up on us.

 

I guess I'm just looking for an outside opinion. Do I stay with Peter or do I try and get a happier life (maybe with rob)? I need help on how I decide this? Thank you for reading...I hope I explained okay and sorry it's so long.

[OhJeeeez]

This will be short, i just have one observation. First off, Rob sounds like a good guy. Heck, thats my name, he has to be.

 

You mentioned in the last part of your post "Do I stay with Peter or do I try and get a happier life (maybe with rob)? I need help on how I decide this?".

 

Maybe it is you need to find a happier life with you? It sounds like you are so unhappy with yourself, you couldn't possibly make anyone else happy? Maybe the fact that Rob is making you feel better about yourself, you view him as a savior.

 

Truth is, I dont have any advise, but to make yourself happy and do what "YOU" need to do to get there. I wouldn't let go of Rob, sounds like he's going to be your "crutch" till you can do it on your own. But I wouldnt get involved.

 

JMO

[hurtabandoned]

You must examine your feelings for Peter closely. It's easy when things in a relationship are in a downward slope to become vulnerable to looking to someone on the outside for what you are not getting within the relationship. In many cases, the downward slope is just a temporary thing. If it were not for Rob, would you be having these thoughts of ending your relationship?

 

You should sit down and have a heart to heart talk with Peter. If you are not satisfied with things in the relationship then he needs to know this. Sometimes, (I have been guilty of this myself) women forget that men just have to be told things. He can't read your mind. thereforeeee he can't fix what he doesn't know is broken. He may be aware of problems but may not know how upsetting things are to you.

[kdreger]

When we pick friends and mates we should pick people who are uplifting - people who make our lives better.

 

Just because you've been with someone for 3 years doesn't mean he's the right person for you. Add to that the fact that you've had limited contact with very many people and it sounds as if you've stayed with Peter out of a lack of options or guilt.

 

Along comes Rob who opens up your life by showing you what you could have.

 

Ever watch Bridges of Madison County? The parallel here is that your life is very small and within that small world you have accepted someone who isn't necessarily the best choice.

 

Finally, phobia's represent unconscious fears. Are you surprised that your relationship with Rob has given you strength? That you were not agoraphobic before you met Peter? That you became agoraphobic while with Peter? For some reason you became afraid of the world outside your door while you were with Peter and Rob has given you the strength to face this world. This is not a small thing.

[debaser]

First off all, thank you for replying

 

Maybe it is you need to find a happier life with you? It sounds like you are so unhappy with yourself, you couldn't possibly make anyone else happy?

 

OhJeeeez Yeah, you're right I think....I think I need to find a way to make myself happier, regardless of who is or isn't in my life. It's been a really tough 3 years and I need to do my best to get my head/life back together.

 

If it were not for Rob, would you be having these thoughts of ending your relationship?

 

hurt&abandoned Yes...I have been thinking about ending things with Peter for a while - not because I don't love him, but because it's such a "hard" relationship (not sure of a better way to put it). I have tried to sit down with Peter and have a heart to heart, as you suggested...but it always goes the same way: he'll get defensive and argue, then he'll start listening after a while and he always says "I'll change" or "It will get better soon" (something like that). But, it never does - it always stays the same after we've talked about it.

 

kdreger Yeah, a lot of reasons I became agoraphobic were to do with Peter, I think (but it wasn't just him). And I was very surprised how much strength Rob gave me.... I didn't think I was ever going to have contact with other people again, but he's really been helping me. I don't think I stayed with Peter entirely through lack of options/guilt, but I think it plays a part. By this I mean, I put up with a lot more than I would if I was healthy and able to walk out.

 

Again, thanks to everyone for replying, I really needed the advice. I was thinking I would like to sit Peter down and try to have a proper chat. I'd like to ask him if we could "have a break" for a few days - I think this will help me decide what path I should take. Do you think this would be a good thing to do?

 

Take care all x

[hurtabandoned]

It could be what you need. It may also show Peter that you are really serious. It may make him more responsive.

 

Sometimes in a relationship people take each other for granted, always assuming that the other person will always be there. When that happens people don't often do as much to keep the relationship healthy. Peter may not realize how close this is to being over.

[debaser]

Thanks, hurt+abandoned... you described Peter perfectly lol. Well, I did it - I spoke to him about things and it was really good. He didn't lose his temper and we came to a mutual decision to take a break for a few days and have a think about things, and then see how it goes after that.

 

I feel relieved, and much happier. I think this is what we both need to help decide about the future. Thanks again for replying and giving me advice.

 

x