Destiny2112 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 My situation is hopeless, since my ex of 3,5 years, who broke up with me last August, won't ever return to me...he got engaged to the girl he left me for within a few months and will soon get married to her (Who is interested, I have a couple of threads with my story). I'm doing much better finally, I'm able to laugh again, enjoy the nature and little things in life that always used to make me happy, I can focus on my studies again and live my life quite normally again, I go out with my friends and have fun again. My real me is (almost) back again. My ex still crosses my mind every day, when things in daily life remind me of him, but it doesn't hurt that much anymore, just the memories pop up every now and then. Since in my case there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation, I always hear people telling me, I should finally be over him, move on and completely forget about him and his existence, since it has been 6 months already and he is long gone. I KNOW all this, and I have understood and accepted it's over for good. But despite all this and the cruel way he ended things by leaving me for someone else and just disappearing, is it so „unnormal“, so „wrong“ of me, that I'm still sad sometimes how things went, that I still miss him and the good times we shared after being together for several years?? They sometimes make me feel like there is something wrong with me People sometimes make me feel, that only because the break up was nasty and my ex didn't treat my the best way, when he broke up with me, that my whole relationship with him was „meaningless“ that it doesn't count anymore what we had, they only see the bad way he broke up with me and this makes him an a***... In my eyes, he was a great boyfriend, the best first (serious) boyfriend I can imagine,throughout all the years and never gave me any real reason to complain. Does the break up make him a „bad“ person...?! Is it so wrong to mourn after those good times sometimes?? It's not that the sadness rules my daily life anymore, absolutely not, just every once in a while I bewail that our relationship came to an end, that he broke it off... I don't really know, how to explain the way I feel and I don't know if it makes any sense to you at all... It just „bothers“ me, when people expect me, to have switched my feelings off by now, only because he has moved on long ago, because it's over for good, because he ended things and because he will get married... When I compare it to a death of a person, would they say, stop crying, stop being sad over his passing away, since all your tears and sadness won't bring him back to life?! Do you know what I mean?? Crying over someone who died, of course doesn't bring him back, but still you are sad that he is gone, that this person isn't part of your life anymore and won't ever be again... only because something is hopeless or useless, does this take your right to mourn after the nice times you shared??! I know, I can't and don't even want to bring my ex back, it was his right to chose to walk away and I'm OK with it, but only because HE decided this and I had absolutely no choice if I wanted it or not, does that change the fact that we had spent 3,5 great years together? Does this erase all the moments we had?? Does his decision neccessarily take away my right to still feel love, love for him that I had in me for the years we spent together? Isn't it a slower process until all the love is vanished? Why don't they understand that I need time to „erase“ those memories and get him out of my system...I still feel love for him, even if he will never ever return it again Is this so unnormal?? Don't know, if it makes sense what I wrote, but maybe someone can relate to the way I feel...just needed to vent.... Anyone feeling similar?? Sorry that this post is soo long! Thanks for reading it anyway! Link to comment
sexyjoe Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I think that you need counseling. Your posts are becoming to be too much. Link to comment
sexyjoe Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Also, why post the obvious lies in your post about how your ex "pops up in your thoughts" but not that much. Be real because you are very transparent. It is obvious that you are obsessed with the guy. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Thanks sexyjoe, but I think everyone should decide for themselves whether they need counseling or not. Isn't this forum for people seeking advice and help, too??! Link to comment
quirky Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Sorry I don't know the whole story, I haven't followed it but I think it is perfectly normal to still think about it all. I can't believe he already got engaged..it must have been so difficult for you. These things take time and just because he is with someone else now doesn't mean you have to be 100% healed. As long as you are in the right direction that's what matters. sexyjoe- I doubt your comments help destiny, I thought we are here to help each other you know? It might seem over the top to you that she is thinking about him still but 3.5 years canno be erased so quickly. Particularly with the scars it leaves when the breakup is because there is someone else involved. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Also, why post the obvious lies in your post about how your ex "pops up in your thoughts" but not that much. Be real because you are very transparent. It is obvious that you are obsessed with the guy. Honestly, I'm here, looking for people who can relate to the way I feel and for some helping words instead of someone bringing me down by calling me a liar and obsessed and in need for help. You don't know me, you can only jduge by my posts and to be honest, I find you pretty rude.... if you don't like what I write and if you don't have any constructive pieces of advice then please don't comment on my threads anymore, thank you! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Sorry I don't know the whole story, I haven't followed it but I think it is perfectly normal to still think about it all. I can't believe he already got engaged..it must have been so difficult for you. These things take time and just because he is with someone else now doesn't mean you have to be 100% healed. As long as you are in the right direction that's what matters. sexyjoe- I doubt your comments help destiny, I thought we are here to help each other you know? It might seem over the top to you that she is thinking about him still but 3.5 years canno be erased so quickly. Particularly with the scars it leaves when the breakup is because there is someone else involved. Thanks for your nice words quirky!!! Link to comment
sexyjoe Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Ok, I have some advice. Since Destiny has such a username, it is my assumption that she picked it because she thought that she had the misconception that her relationship with her ex was "destiny". As soon as she gives up this fantasy and maybe changes her username, then she will be on the road to recovery. She is hanging on to a made up dream in her head. This guy is marrying another girl. The writing is on the wall. Destiny for her, he is not. Onwards and upwards! Link to comment
Aether Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I've actually seen her become a lot more positive since I've been here, she is moving forward. And yes I've been following it so I agree with what quirky has said to you joe. I've hit a downer the last couple of days hun, 2 months out, I don't know where I'll be at 6 months but of course there's nothing abnormal about how you're feeling and what you're thinking, it's different for everyone, you're doing a lot better than you were and it's absolutely fine to still feel like this *hugs* Link to comment
Aether Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 She also could have chosen it because it could actually be her name or something? You can't just make assumptions about someone based on their username, she will let go when she is ready in time, give her a break! You are basically making yourself one of those people that she is questioning here, you have no right to dump this kind of crap on her, quit the tough love approach, it just doesn't work for everyone. As has been said, we are here for SUPPORT, you can't possibly know what she feels like, you know nothing about her relationship, her thought processes, her grieving process...how she deals with things...honestly...there is no way you can just generalise here... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Ok, I have some advice. Since Destiny has such a username, it is my assumption that she picked it because she thought that she had the misconception that her relationship with her ex was "destiny". As soon as she gives up this fantasy and maybe changes her username, then she will be on the road to recovery. She is hanging on to a made up dream in her head. This guy is marrying another girl. The writing is on the wall. Destiny for her, he is not. Onwards and upwards! Well, don't you think, I can choose and keep whatever username I like, for whatever reason I like?! Why do you think you know me, you can judge me? Yes, I admit, I do believe in destiny and that is, why I chose that name. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. And how do you want to know, I'm still living in fantasy- land, that I still hang on to a made up dream in my head?! Do you know me? Do you know the progress I have made within the last months, do you know anything about my relationship at all, except the way things ended? No, you don't, so plase stop judging me and making assumptions... thanks! And thanks for reminding me, that my ex is marrying another girl, that is absolutely new to me;-) Link to comment
quirky Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Destiny, I went back and read a bit of the background story and it does seem like you are doing better I read your relationship was long distance? The breakup that brought me to this forum happened long distance for me too and in many ways I found it harder to get over it because it felt like death! I couldn't see him even if I wanted to humiliate myself (reach rock bottom and get over it kinda thing). Everyone feels like they can't go near their ex anyway but when it's long distance it's more than pride that keeps you away, it's all the kilometers! Link to comment
JadeArdor Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 You have every right to miss those memories. You just have no reason to. They have no bearing upon your happiness in the present, and they'll never be able to change the past. As for being sad, go right ahead. But you're not missing this person anymore; you're missing a life that you can share with someone that makes you happy. I know it's not easy to forget those memories. But time keeps on moving, and thusly you must move on too. If you're having trouble erasing any memories of that person, then find a way to distract yourself. Every time you think of anything even remotely associated with him, start working out, or start thinking of ways to improve your life. (work on projects, talk to people, clean your room) What works for me? I've gotten into the habit of telling myself that my ex is either dead, comatose, or dating someone else- and ironically it helps me remember that my situation is final, but not nearly close to the end of my life or happiness. Let a sinking ship fail on it's own, but there's no reason to drag yourself down with such unpleasantness. YOU are done with him, my dear. For whatever reason, his presence, friendship or love or whatever is no longer useful to you. You don't have to be disrespectful or anything, but remember that any of his words, his feelings, his memories of you, barely qualify as important to you now. Forget him, and worry about yourself. If you found someone that you thought was such a great person before, then you can do it again. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 Destiny, I went back and read a bit of the background story and it does seem like you are doing better I read your relationship was long distance? The breakup that brought me to this forum happened long distance for me too and in many ways I found it harder to get over it because it felt like death! I couldn't see him even if I wanted to humiliate myself (reach rock bottom and get over it kinda thing). Everyone feels like they can't go near their ex anyway but when it's long distance it's more than pride that keeps you away, it's all the kilometers! Thanks for your empathy quirky! Yes, we were in a LDR for 3,5 years, since we were living in 2 different countries... I agree, I feel as if the distance makes it harder to get over it somehow, it made the break up so final, right from the start and that was very hard for me to handle in the beginning... no chance of ever seeing each other again, with all the kilometers between us, he is completely out of my life... but for now, until I'm fully healed, it's better like this, I guess.... at least I am spared the humiliation to ever accidently bump into my ex and his new love... I hope the "out of sight, out of mind" does it's magic for me, too, eventually... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 Thanks so much for your encouraging words, that was just what I needed to hear You are right in everything you say... most of the times it works for me to distract myself, just not always...and when people give me the impression, I'm not normal for still feeling sad still sometimes, it brings me down even more... it's as if there is a certain time allowed to heal and after that time limit, they start being concerned about you and make you feel abnormal... But I keep moving on. It's helping me that I am finally able to really focus on my studies again and I'm going to put all my energy and effort in it again to get a good bar exam and set the right conditions for a good life, a whole new life, without him... I don't need him to have a happy life I'll only concentrate on myself for now and try to forget about the bad stuff Link to comment
Elspeth Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Dear Destiny, it's okay that it still hurts and it's okay to think about those good times. It's natural. I mean, you were with the guy for 3.5 years! give yourself credit and be gentle and loving towards yourself in this time of healing. Yes it will take time and it hurts that he moved on and is getting married so quickly, I'm in the same position myself. My ex cheated on me, we broke up, and then 4 months later he meets a new girl online and gets engaged. This is a girl he's only seen in person 4 times during the 5 months they've actually known each other...and they are engaged. we were together 2 years, saw each other everyday so you can imagine how I felt when I found out. I feel your pain and can definitely sympathize with you. My sister's fiance told me something that really stuck with me. he said: "Is it making you happy? No? then do the next thing, do the thing that will make YOU happy. Everyone deserves to be happy." and he's right. You deserve to be happy, i deserve to be happy, we all do. Looking back at the good times is alright if it makes you feel more happy than sad. I caught myself looking back at our relationship today and felt awful because he chose to be with her than with me, even though I gave it my all...and when I felt that anger, that hate, that sadness and depression, I looked inward and I drew (I'm an artist so that kind of expression has guided me through most of my life). I turned to my passion and it has never ever let me down (made a lovely sketch tonight ). to find that kind of happiness from within is a true joy. you don't have to depend on another person to help give it to you. I think it might help for you to find a true passion, not just a distraction. I'm so glad you are still focusing on your studies that is definitely a step in the right direction!!! Most importantly, you must remember that there is no set "time frame" for healing because every relationship and person is different. Yeah, eventually your friends and family will get sick of hearing about it but one day you will know when you have fully moved on. You'll feel it and know it without a doubt when you move from one stage to another. Maybe, hopefully you will wake up one morning and say "enough is enough, that chapter is over and it's ok" and not give it as much thought as you used to. I did and it shocked me!!! one day as said "this has gone on far enough" and I unfriended him (and cut him out of my life in every way, shape and form) right there and then. was it the mature thing to do? well, he didn't think so but was it the right thing to do for my healing? Yes, most definitely. I think about him and still am happy/sad about what happened, but that was then and this is now. you need to think about you and I'm so proud that you are. It's ok to think about the good times you had with him. Be happy and grateful, smile and let it go. Feel what you feel when you feel it. I'm proud of you Destiny. You are doing great! you are loved. Don't ever forget that! and good luck on the bar exam!!! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 Thank sooo much for your kind words, Elspeth!!! It really did me so good to read your post!!! I'm doing much better again...just every now and then I have my weak moments still and since I'm still pretty sensitive about other people's reactions towards me, it just upsets me and brings me down in these moments, when I get the impression of not really being understood by others anymore... I feel that after a certain amount of time has passed, people somehow "expect" me to have moved on already and don't they want to hear about my ex anymore...and this kind of pressures me and doesn't help my situation, it only brings me down even more sometimes... but these "bad" days are starting to lessen, finally ....and I am so glad, I found ENA, since there are so great people here (including you who absolutely understand the way I feel... and sometimes just writing down what is troubling me her on this forum, helps me... I'm kind of enjoying my studies again, although I know, I'm having a rough and very hard time of studies ahead until my exams in November... but I'm trying to put all my energy in it again, since I want to succeed and this feels so good, it helps me to move on, to see, there is a good life ahead and I don't actually need him to make me feel whole, to make my life worth living...having a goal again feels so good... when my ex left, I lost all perspective, I fell into a black whole and didn't want to get out anymore... but I'm finally starting to see again, that my life is nice, it's fun, it is enjoyable, even without my ex in it anymore....and I have a goal, which is getting a good degree and I can focuse on it now, with all my energy! Today I woke up with a smile on my face and I realized, I'm starting to be happier again, to truly accept that he is gone, I'm starting to find peace with the situation and this feels soo GOOD! I know, I'm not over him and it will take me some more time and I know, I'll have bad days again, where I'll miss him a lot again and be sad that things had to end... but it is how it is, I guess, it only shows, how much I loved him, how much he meant to me... And as long as the good days start overweighing the bad ones, I'm happy... I can see, I'm moving in the right direction and that is all that matters! I'm sorry you have been through the same horrible thing!! Yes, you definetely know how bad it feels!!! Being left for someone is horrible itsself, but knowing they get engaged within a few months like in our cases, is even worse than that, it's hard to even describe the tremendous pain it caused by finding out about it ...I guess, only people, who have been through exactly the same really, truly know[/i] and understand HOW bad it feels... I don't wish for anyone to feel these feelings, not even my biggest enemy... I'm glad that these negative feelings inspired you for your drawings and sketches and that it gives you joy from within, that is what truly matters! True happiness and joy, coming from within!!! And you are so right, we don't need anyone, don't depend on anyone for our own happiness...finding someone you love and who loves you back is just an extra bonus that we should cherish every day... it's a gift... Your sister's fiance is so right...thinking about my ex doesn't make me happy, it only keeps me stuck in the same pain... and I'm finally starting to be able to move on from the pain, to move on from my ex.... Thanks again for your kind post, I love it!! Link to comment
sexyjoe Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Good to see that you are looking ahead and not backwards. Even your photo here is a big improvement over the vulnerable looking kitty cat. Yes, think about getting that degree and a better life ahead. I bet when you get that degree you will find that your ex doesn't add up to what you even want in a person anymore. You will grow.... Link to comment
Ely Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I think that you need counseling. Your posts are becoming to be too much. I need counseling too, could you pay for mine? Link to comment
miss_sunshine86 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Hey destiny Youre in exactly the right place. Its hardly been 6 months, you are allowed to feel this way! You have the right to miss the good times and be sad. But I think you have to balance it out with realisation that if those good times meant as much to him as they do to you, he'd be here now. I'm in the same boat. Everyone has good days and bad days..sometimes bad days come and shock you..but i've heard that the good cycles get longer and the bad ones get shorter. xxx Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Hey destiny Youre in exactly the right place. Its hardly been 6 months, you are allowed to feel this way! You have the right to miss the good times and be sad. But I think you have to balance it out with realisation that if those good times meant as much to him as they do to you, he'd be here now. I'm in the same boat. Everyone has good days and bad days..sometimes bad days come and shock you..but i've heard that the good cycles get longer and the bad ones get shorter. xxx Thanks, heartbroken! It is so very true what you say and I really need to focus on that! If those good times still meant as much to him, as they mean to me, my ex wouldn't have left in the first place, he would be right here, right by my side now... But he is not, he is gone and doesn't look back anymore, but is moving on with his life... this is what matters and this is what I need to focus on... But I feel that the good cycles get longer finally and I'm so glad about it I have enough of suffering and of being sad, enough of crying for someone who doesn't even care about me anymore, who just tossed me away like a bag of garbage... a person who loves me, would never ever treat me like this and like everyone else, I deserve someone, who loves me and who treats me respectfully, even when he decides to end the relationship... Hugs** Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Honestly, I'm here, looking for people who can relate to the way I feel and for some helping words instead of someone bringing me down by calling me a liar and obsessed and in need for help. You don't know me, you can only jduge by my posts and to be honest, I find you pretty rude.... if you don't like what I write and if you don't have any constructive pieces of advice then please don't comment on my threads anymore, thank you! Destiny,some of those people do not understand u.No one has a right to judge you in how u feell. Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Ok, I have some advice. Since Destiny has such a username, it is my assumption that she picked it because she thought that she had the misconception that her relationship with her ex was "destiny". As soon as she gives up this fantasy and maybe changes her username, then she will be on the road to recovery. She is hanging on to a made up dream in her head. This guy is marrying another girl. The writing is on the wall. Destiny for her, he is not. Onwards and upwards! Sexy Joe,i do understand what u tell destiny,but not everyone marries the right person....sometimes we just think we are in love..... Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thanks for your empathy quirky! Yes, we were in a LDR for 3,5 years, since we were living in 2 different countries... I agree, I feel as if the distance makes it harder to get over it somehow, it made the break up so final, right from the start and that was very hard for me to handle in the beginning... no chance of ever seeing each other again, with all the kilometers between us, he is completely out of my life... but for now, until I'm fully healed, it's better like this, I guess.... at least I am spared the humiliation to ever accidently bump into my ex and his new love... I hope the "out of sight, out of mind" does it's magic for me, too, eventually... U know ...i feell for u in this situation.I ve been through it.it makes it worse sometimes when u dont hear from them....and when u hear its hard also.....They know we loved them,they know they made us suffer.....time will tell Link to comment
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