Still want him back, but it doesn't seem realistic.

[whisper]

I apologize in advance for the length.

 

I am 17. I started dating Michael when I was almost 16. He was my first boyfriend (although he had had other relationships) and a few months into our relationship we found ourselves in love. Yes we were/are young but I assure you it was true. Everything was great and he told me that he wanted to be with me for as long as he could, etc. About 10 months into him and I being together, things started changing. I would get mad very easily and pout over the silliest things. I'd get upset if he wanted to stay home and relax instead of hanging out with me that night. He stopped telling me all the time that I made him happy, he stopped sending me sweet emails and the things that I loved so much about our relationship in the begginning weren't there anymore. I brought it up to him and we had a good discussion about it. That was always the good thing with Michael and I. We could talk about anything and everything and we hardly ever fought with eachother because we'd always talk it out before either of us got to the point of being angry. But yeah, when I brought up the changes I was seeing in the way he acted towards me, he said that he still loved me just as much and that I still made him happy and that there wasn't anything to worry about. And I believed him because things were still the same between him and I when we were in person. The only thing that changed was there wasn't a constant reminder from him that he was thinking of me when he wasn't with me (the emails, etc.)

 

About a month later (the 11th month mark) he started mentioning that he would be doing things like cutting the grass and wondering why him and I together. And that he'd tell himself that it was because him and I went together so well, that we matched up so well. He also said he was starting to wonder what it'd be like if he was with someone else (no one in particular, there WAS NOT another girl that he liked or anything like that) and he started thinking that he could get along with someone else just as if not better than him and I got along. But he said that he would never be able to leave me because he couldn't hurt me and he couldn't fathom being without me. I shrugged his thinking off as typical teenage male hormones always thinking the grass is greener, etc.

 

I lost a lot of my independance when I got so wrapped up in him. I was dependant on him for my happiness and I would have spent every waking hour with him if I could. I always wanted to be by his side. I realize now that I made a huge mistake in not staying independent and I made a huge mistake of being too clingy and too pouty.

 

The night before our one year anniversary, him and I got into a fight because I was upset that he wouldn't come get me and take me to sonic. He had to meet a friend (who happened to be a girl) so that he could give her is work application. I told him it wasn't nice to ditch his girlfriend and I was very immature. That blew over rather quickly though, and things seemed to be fine later on that night. Him and I started asking eachother random questions about life (we did this frequently) and I asked him if he saw us together in two or three years. He said no. I asked him if he WANTED to be with me in two or three years and he said, "If I am still happy, yes" Apparently he thought about that really long and hard that night, even talked to a friend. She told him that if that's really how he felt that he needed to do what was best for him.

 

He came over the next day (on our one year anniversary) told me he loved me and then told me he was thinking a lot about what was said last night and he realized that the person he was with he just didn't want to be with anymore. He wants something different. Someone else, someone with a different kind of personality.

 

And that's all there really was to it.

 

The first month after our break up him and I still talked via AIM but didn't really talk nearly as much as we used to, and I only saw him about three times. I was a HUGE MESS. I took our break up very badly and he was very worried yet at the same time he didn't like that he had caused it and it made him want to distance himself from me. He never has liked being around upset people, he can't handle his own emotions let alone someone elses.

 

The past two weeks him and I have started talking a lot more and started hanging out a lot (about 6 times in two weeks) things seemd to be getting to a point where him and I could be friends. There was only ONE problem. The last two times him and I got together we fooled around big time. Made out, got naked, you get the idea .... I'll spare you from the details.

 

Four nights ago him and I got into a huge fight and he told me that he is indeed happier now that he's not with me, and that he doesn't want anything more than a friendship with me and that the fooling around happened just because he wanted to fool around (fine, that's really the only reason I did it too). He told me that he thinks I'm hypocritcal and see only what I want to see and hear only what I want to hear. He told me that I was a huge part of his life and he can't just leave me behind but as of late (as in, that day) he wants to get further and further away from me.

 

His words hurt a lot and he's now on vacation (he left that night that we got into the fight) .. I wont see or talk to him for a week.

 

I've grown a tremendous amount since he broke up with me. I am no longer falling apart, and I am fairly happy. I don't need him anymore. BUT - I still want to have him back more than anything. He says he still loves me and probably always will.

 

I don't want to want him anymore because it hurts so bad. But I can't stop wanting him. I can't stop wanting to try us again.

 

Ugh. I don't know what to do.

[JuJu]

Alright, first...get over it! You're right, you should not have lost your independence. I recently broke things off with a guy who I was "in love" with, when I finally woke up and smelled the roses I realized he was manipulating me and brainwashing me practically. People tried to tell me, I wouldn't listen...we were on and off for a year. After the break up and the last and final fight, even now...sometimes I think "What if?" and I think I miss him and want him back. Even though I with a really great guy now who even helped me overcome everything after the break up with the other guy. Then I figured out, I just liked the IDEA of what we had...he wrote me poems, loving e-mails, long talks on the phone, yada yada yada...it was the idea of being in love. My situation is a little bit different than yours however, because my guy in the end was obsessed with me and having me, but an expulsion and a restraining order later...it was over. Please tell me that you have deleted all those e-mails, thrown away all those notes, and do not dwell on them. It won't make things better, it won't make things easier. You need to concentrate on other things that make you happy and family. I would quit talking to Michael all together because it sounds to me as though he's still trying to keep you all tied up in him for some reason by telling you he loves you. He says he still loves you, but he wants a different personality? He can't love you for who you are then if he needs change. You know who really love someone when you wouldn't change any little detail about them and when you love them for who they are ALL THE TIME. If someone really loves you, they wouldn't want to change your personality and then fool around with you on the side, call you their friend, and say they'll love you forever. the end.

[Azure13]

I agree with the above poster.. don't talk to Michael anymore.. or at least let him come to you first. OK, I have been in that situation myself when I was in highschool, I was with someone I was incredibly dependant on and I can tell you that that kind of relationship does no one any good. Its not what real love is like and I can promise you that there is much better out there. Please don't let him use you and string you along.. this sounds way too much like a situation I went through in the past and in fact a situation a lot of girls go through in the highschool age.. spend time with your friends, family, do things that you like to do.. try to start noticing other guys at least.. don't contact him for a while.. have some time alone and figure out if this relationship is even what *you* really want. He was your first boyfriend after all and I daresay that maybe you feel so bad about this because hes the only one you've ever been with so far? It sounds like things were beginning to go wrong in the relationship and don't forget that at the age you are at a lot of relationships (in fact none of my friends or my own teenage relationships are still together) don't last because both people are changing a lot and there is more out there than you can possibly know. Sometimes people just change plus people are immature.. it takes two people growing together to have something to last longer. if you two really had a love and good bond together then trust me when hes done with his "I need someone different" thing then he will come back to you.. but in the mean time don't talk to him at all, thats very important in helping you heal, figure out what you want, and even figuring out what he himself wants. Just please don't let him walk all over you.. and fooling around after you're broken up isn't the best idea even if you instigated it.. it makes him think he can walk all over you and he might lose respect for you and you are worth more than that! Also being clingy and pouty is a mistake everyone makes in the past but try not to do it in the future- it sounded like you were acting that way to him because you felt that things were going wrong and they were, but by acting that way it pushes him even more in the direction he was going which seemed to be away from you.. anyway its a mistake we've all made (including me but remember that for the future..

[whisper]

Thank you for the advice.

 

I have a question:

What do I do when school starts in three weeks? Him and I will most likely have one or two classes together ...

[JuJu]

Get your classes switched! That's what I did when there was someone I couldn't stand or an idiot of an ex boyfriend in one of my classes. Don't talk to him, but when he is in your presense, talk to other people around, look happy. Act like he has not ruined your life and stomped all over your heart. You're better than that. You can't make yourself appear vulnerable and you can't let him see that he has hurt you. If you see him in the hallway, just walk bye or there is always killing with kindness. Sometimes, when I have enemies, or people that I know just don't like me...I'm always very nice to them. I smile, say hello or wave when I pass by. It gets them so confused that they don't know what to do. I'm not sure if that would be a good method in this situation however.