Spoke With The Ex ... She Still Hates Me!

[LostInTranslation]

My ex-girlfriend of five years and I have been broken up over four months now. She left me after we were having problems getting along and had been talking with an ex-boyfriend of hers in the previous months without me knowing. She started a relationship with him and I tried very hard for a month to get her to reconsider. I handled the breakup and her new boyfriend very immaturely. I tried to break them up and even had words with him. So I initiated No Contact for the last three months because I had no choice. My last conversation with her was her saying, "I HATE YOU!" Since letting her go, I've been healing and moving on. I've dated a few girls and even had a new girlfriend for a month and a half, but these were all rebounds. I have decided to take some time for myself and just distance myself from dating for a while.

 

My birthday was this past weekend. I had a great party and all my friends attended. But a huge part of me wanted her to just call and say Happy Birthday. I thought if I was ever going to hear from her, it was going to be on my birthday. But she never called or made any contact. I guess I knew she wouldn't.

 

For the past few weeks leading up to my birthday, I've had these dreams about her. It's like she has been consuming my thoughts lately. I don't want her back even though I miss her at times, but it really bothers me to think how we ended. I've been wanting to apologize for everything for a long time, but I wanted to wait until I was ready. Well, this morning, I felt I was ready. After three months of No Contact, I called her.

 

So I made the call this morning before she would have to leave for class. I had to call from a private line because I knew she would not have answered if she knew it was me. She was not happy to hear from me and immediately asked what I wanted. She was very cold in her tone towards me. I basically said that I wanted to return a picture she wanted back since we split. She has been asking my sister-in-law about this picture when they spoke and never mentioned me. I also asked if I could meet with her because there were some things I wanted to say to her. She said it wasn't going to happen and to forget about that idea. I said okay and said I would just tell her over the phone. She said don't bother. So I said okay and told her I would let her go. She then said to go ahead and tell her. I basically said that I was sorry for everything I did during our breakup. I also told her that I hoped she was happy and that I see things her way now. I said I hoped she gets everything she wants out of life and that I wish her well. It felt so great to say all these things to her. Her response was that she needed to go and to stop calling her. So I said good-bye.

 

I really don't feel bad about the call. Even though she was mean, it felt great to lift this huge burden off my back. This conversation was more for me to completely move on. There was just no way I could have lived another day without saying these things to her. I have so much going on with life that I didn't want this to hinder me anymore because it has been a huge distraction. I said my peace and I can live with this outcome more than the other.

 

But I still ask, how could someone hate me so much after three months of no conact and five years of a loving relationship? Even at 6:30 in the morning, she could still gather nothing but anger and hatred towards me. She still didn't wish me a Happy Belated Birthday either. I wonder if she will ever feel bad for the way she acted on the phone. I know I will never call her again because I'm strong enough not to, but I wonder why she hasn't moved on enough to not hate me. If anyone should hate anyone, I should be hating her. I wonder what she is thinking, however, I will not spend another moment wondering how she feels anymore. I truly feel my dreams and thoughts of her will now end.

 

If anyone has any comments or opinions on her behavior, I would love to hear it. Also, does anyone think I did the right thing in calling and saying these things to her even though it doesn't matter anymore? Thanks in advance.

[tRiKTa]

There was nothing with you calling her, everything you said was nice and polite and the main thing was that it helped you lift a burden off yourself. It seems to me that she has definitely moved on and you have is well more or less. It is time to forget about her if she wants to hate you it is her choice. Who knows maybe one day she will feel guilty about the way she was and may give you a call and apologize like you did, but until that day i suggest you forget about her and move on, do your own thing.

[Katheelynn]

WOW...I cant say that enuff....boy, Im hoping you have had closure on this...I dont know what has caused her to be so hateful, but, let it go....she doesnt want any communication and I think it would be hurtful to you to even consider another communication in any way. My best wishes go with you.

[Brandell]

Wow... I want to thank you for this post. It has given me further resolve to maintain No Contact. It is 3 months for me now too and I think if I called and had gotten a reaction like that from my ex. I would have probably collapsed in a heap and gone right back to square one.

 

It is testament to your character and evidence that you have moved on if that call gave you closure.

 

Forget her. Let her drown in her bitterness. Sounds like you will be ok

[JT]

She's stuck in anger. She holds all of that in and will carry that on into the next relationship.

 

Anger and love are closely related. If she truly did'nt care she would'nt be angry at all.

 

I must say my ex did the same thing to me. I did some things I regretted, I lost friends in the whole mix, it was real ugly and she said "I hate you" too. These were the last thigns she said. I wrote her a letter two weeks later saying I was sorry and wished her luck with everything in the future. She can have my old friends, even though we were friends first, they were'nt my friends anyway after doing what they did. Our breakup was super ugly, friends involved, I have some regrets about that, but oh well. Her birthday comes in a few months, I absolutely have no intention of rekindling anything with her, sending her a card or anything. Better to leave that one alone. I dont think she'd send me a card, so I'm not sending her one. I guess I'm bitter about it too. Not so much losing her, but the friend betrayal.. I mean they really left me at a bad time and choose to spend time with her instead of me. If they do try to spend time with me its kind of half ass, so I dont want any half butted effort, so the hell with them. I'll move on by myself.

[Katheelynn]

I have to gently disagree with your statement that she must still care for him if she is still so bitter. In some circumstances that my be the case; however, in this case she has maintained the plan of moving ahead. Its plain she does not want this relationship to continue. Her bitter "I hate you" could be out of frustration for the lack of closure on his part. Let it go and allow her to move in the direction she wants to. If she does have the feeling for him down deep, then she needs to make the next move. In other words, the ball is in her court.

[Celadon]

Everyone handles breakups differently, and her getting angry is a sign she's still working through the issues. If she were completely over the relationship, I doubt she'd feel much towards you -- certainly not that much bitterness. So, it may take her longer to detach from you than it took for you to detach from her.

 

Leave her be. If you really do wish her well, then don't take her comments too seriously. Anger comes from hurt and hurt comes from disappointment. She's trying to move on in her own way. It's too bad she told you she hated you, but allow her a moment of weakness.

[tistar]

It seems to me that your ex was frustrated by you in some way. Perhaps she wanted to get married and after 5 years together with you she became aware that marriage wasn't going to happen in a timeframe that she wanted. (This is certainly no fault of yours).

 

Generally, relationships that last more than 2-3 years sort of lead to a greater commitment, and your ex might have started to dally with her ex-boyfriend simply because she wanted someone to make more of a commitment to her.

 

This would also explain her again at hearing from you on the phone-- because to her, your calling would seem like an effort to reconnect when she has already given up and moved on with someone new.