Maroney555 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Ugh... Last night my husband and I were talking about the upcoming funerals (yes, plural) that we have to attend in the next few weeks. We were talking about people that would be at the funeral for his friend and how his close high school girl-friends (not relationship) would be there and likely hug him and kiss him a peck on the cheek or something. He has even told me that they are flirty girls in the past so that was haunting me. There's one in particular who is BEYOND gorgeous...like super model gorgeous...way prettier than I am and I have seen pictures of my hub kissing her on the cheek (we weren't together). He hasn't hooked up with her, except making out in high school (as he claims, I don't know if I believe this...), but he graduated in 1999....so FOREVER AGO! I FLIPPED OUT! OMG! What is wrong with me?! Why am I such a selfish brat?! We are talking funerals, reminiscing and consoling friends of the person who passed and all I can think about is him hugging other women and them potentially hitting on him? HE MARRIED ME!!!!!! Sadly, this feeling still bothers me...after I slept it off. HELP! This is ridiculous and I really know it is...I can't get over it. I know I am insecure and jealous and I thought I was getting better, but I guess not. Thanks for any help and input, Jealous Wife AKA: Maroney xxx Link to comment
Stay_home Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Yeah.... it's a funeral, it's a time of grieving. Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Yeah.... it's a funeral, it's a time of grieving. Yes...I know that....? Still doesn't help the crazy side of me though.... Link to comment
Trying1 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I can see me acting the same way. It sucks. If someone isn't insecure or jealous like this, they don't understand how hard it is to feel this way and not be able to do anything about it even though you KNOW what you're doing is ridiculous. I'm trying to get over my insecurities, too. That's what it all comes down to: being insecure, lack of self-esteem. I think counseling is the #1 thing to do when it's this severe. I need to get counseling, but I can't afford it, so I constantly read things on the internet about how to improve myself and feel better about myself. It's really hard, and if you really want to change, then it takes a lot of work and time. I also try to rationalize things in my head in order to feel better about it. I put myself in his shoes and think about how if it were me, the other men wouldn't be that big of a deal, so the women probably aren't as big of a problem as I make them out to be. I would also suggest, next time you feel really jealous about something that you know is uncalled for, force yourself to ignore and don't react to it with him. Afterwards, you'll see that you prevented an argument and your jealousy might subside. Then it will become easier for you to do this the next time. I think the reason you feel so upset now is because you know your actions are pushing him away and you're sad about THAT, not so much about the other women. Hope that helps! Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks Trying1... You are pretty spot on. It is more that I know it's pushing him away and if we were to ever get divorced it would be because of my jealousy and insecurities. I just know it. We are perfect for each other in every other way, except this... You are right as well about me and hugging other men. Not a biggie. Ugh. I've tried to self-help this but obviously it's not working... So, since I won't have time to counseling before next weekend, any advice for the meantime? I've tried bottling it up with no luck. My mouth gets the better of me before my brain works everything out. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I know it's pushing him away and if we were to ever get divorced it would be because of my jealousy and insecurities. I just know it. . Keep this in mind and THINK before you SPEAK. It takes practice, but literally take a breath and count to 10 or something. Right now you say "I know it's ridiculous and I know he married me and I know this and I know that....." Wouldn't be a crying shame if you got divorced as suggested above and you said to yourself "I know it's my fault. I know I pushed him away....I know I was unreasonable".....what good does is it doing you "to know" if you're not acting on that knowledge to create change?? Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Good point savignon. It's more of the putting my thoughts into actions. It's one thing to acknowledge where I am at, but I need to readily practice it. My biggest problem is the "fight over hypotheticals." I can concoct some crazy stuff in this brain of mine and it gets exhausting lol. Ugh! I just want to be OK with other women being around my husband. I have numerous upon a billion people support me and say they know he wouldn't cheat on me. He's not flirty, he's just super nice (unless he gets drunk and then a little flirtage sneaks out) which I have found women to think he's being flirtatious. It's all hard for me because he is a charmer...I am too though...that's why we initially got together. Link to comment
Trying1 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Hmmm, tha'ts a tough one. I'm not too sure what might work for you in such short notice. I would say, in the meantime, try to be VERY RATIONAL when you think about the situation that is coming up. I'll give you some things to think about that may help you: You and your husband will be at a funeral, the last thing that will be on most people's minds is flirting or how attractive someone might be, if you were in his shoes: this wouldn't be a big deal and if he acted like it was, you would think he was crazy(that's the same thing he thinks), You're blowing things way out of proportion(you might think that a hug will lead to a lot more in his head, but really, it's just a hug to him), etc. I know you said that you feel like you can't keep things bottled up, but you CAN, it's just you don't really want to. I know the feeling, trust me. I thought, "no, I have to say something!" But why? In the end, it just makes everything worse. I came to conclustion for myself, that I'm really just trying to hurt ME. I don't know if that's what your situation is, but you do have the power to not say anything. No matter how much you want to say something about it, just don't. Don't do it. Then later, when that has passed, it will feel much better, because you've avoided an irrational situation that made you both feel like crap. Everytime you start an argument or conflict over something like that, it's pushing him away, and eventually you might lose him because of it. Use that fact as motivation to keep a cool head about the little things that bother you. When you feel like you're about to say something, take a deep breath, and RATIONALIZE the situation. I understand that this is not easy, because I'm still working on it. I'm not really sure what else to tell you do in such a short timeframe, but it can't hurt to try these things. Let me know how it goes. Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks a lot. I will actively try to rationalize. I know that's all it is. I need to practice, practice, practice. Thanks for the reminder that it's not that I "can't" more than that I don't "want" to. It sounds crazy because the sane side of me doesn't want to because I don't wanna fight lol but the crazy-Maroney wants to let it all out and interrogate and misread every little touch or eye contact. Link to comment
Trying1 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 No problem. I've been in these types of situations way too often(sadly), so I've had a lot of time to think about it and figure out ways to work on it. I really hope you put all this advice into practice when the time comes, because I know it's MUCH easier said than done. haha. Good luck!!! Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 How long have you been working on this? Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 UGH! I just wish I had self-control and not the insecure/jealous quality that I am cursed with. Link to comment
Trying1 Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 I've been working on it very seriously for the past 6 months, buuuut...I've been dealing with this problem and doing small things for the past 4 years. It's just, lately, I've taken huge steps because if I don't, I'm gonna lose my boyfriend and I really don't want that. I wish it could all just go away, too, but unfortunately it doens't work like that You just have to be serious about changing and when you are, you will make big improvements. Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 Thanks Trying. I appreciate all the input. I am going to be applying this the next couple days for other things that I get insecure about and hopefully it will give me some strength to not be stupid this weekend lol. Otherwise, I know he'd throw me into the car or something lol Link to comment
Trying1 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Let me know how it all works out for you! Link to comment
april15 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Keeping your mind busy with positive thoughts as much as possible. Trying to take his point of view as the event takes place. Keeping open communication throughout the trying times without flooding him with jealous questions but informative ones. Names, what they did together, how they knew the deceased. Make sure you have a mental distraction for the down time. This is when I find I am the most susceptible to the stinkin thinkin, the dark of night when all is quiet and the better half is asleep, a book, a game, some inspiring music, whatever works for you. Reading and music help me most, if I really cannot get it off my mind I write, and reread to try to vent and then gain perspective. Link to comment
Tryptophan Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I am quite late on this thread but I have to comment on it. I'm glad there's someone as psycho jealous as me out there! I haven't been able to control my jealousy all throughout my life either. I am always getting jealous of everything to the point that I start acting mean and indifferent unconsciously with the person that I'm with because I cannot get the thoughts out of my head. IF you ever cure what you have, let me know what you did. Keep us posted! I swear jealousy killed my last relationship and I'm gonna regret it all my life. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 If you meet her, say "NICE TO MEET YOU." I doubt if people will be flirty at a funeral. They may make compliments "bob, I haven't seen you in 20 years, you look great." Focus on how hard the loss is for your husband, not yourself. If high school pals will be there, the funeral is to honor someone from his life, I am assuming, not yours. BTW, if he had wanted to be with the "model", he would have been and you would not have met him ever. Also, the only thing you should really say is "I am glad to finally meet some of Jim Bo's high school classmates. I am sorry that it is under these sad circumstances." Link to comment
DWNWRDSPRL Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I am quite late on this thread but I have to comment on it. I'm glad there's someone as psycho jealous as me out there! I haven't been able to control my jealousy all throughout my life either. I am always getting jealous of everything to the point that I start acting mean and indifferent unconsciously with the person that I'm with because I cannot get the thoughts out of my head. IF you ever cure what you have, let me know what you did. Keep us posted! I swear jealousy killed my last relationship and I'm gonna regret it all my life. My wife has similar issues. From a man who deals with it, I can honestly say that I am sorry that you lost a good relationship over it. I know that my wife struggles and seems to do much better when she has something to occupy her time. She is in school and the interrogations as to where I have been, what I am watching on tv.....that kind of thing, have almost come to a halt. I also made some changes in how I react to them when they do happen and have posted about it in the past. Jealously is a beast and extremely tough to fight for both partners. Link to comment
Maroney555 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Share Posted April 7, 2011 The funeral went off without a glitch. Despite hugs and going to the bars after I only let one tinge of jealousy slip and that was only at the bar when he made a flirty comment. I said something but then when he started to react said "you know what, nevermind babe...it's not a big deal. I'll get over it." and I did and we moved on. I have been getting better holding it in. I have my moments. I know it's because I don't have the sexy tone body I had when we were together but ya know what, he doesn't either lol. Jealousy is a beast! DWNWRD...you make a valid point which I feel has helped me get through jealous moments. School has kept me busy since I have been more active in it and more devoted to doing well. I feel better about myself as a person and not so reliant on him for entertainment, etc. Thanks everyone for the responses and everything! I really appreciate it!! You guys never fail me!! Link to comment
DWNWRDSPRL Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 Jealousy is a beast! DWNWRD...you make a valid point which I feel has helped me get through jealous moments. School has kept me busy since I have been more active in it and more devoted to doing well. I feel better about myself as a person and not so reliant on him for entertainment, etc. Thanks everyone for the responses and everything! I really appreciate it!! You guys never fail me!! Glad to help out. Also glad to hear everything went well for the most part. Link to comment
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