I'm friends with my ex.

[Azure13]

You know whats hard is when you really fall in love with a guy that you think is amazing, you go out for a few months and then they dump you saying that "Its not working out; Its not meant to be; We're not compatible; I don't have feelings for you anymore." I have thought and mulled over this so much I can't even tell you. Before we went out, we were good friends for a few months, alrthough it was extremely obvious to me he liked me as more than just that; we always talked for hours, joked around, had things in common.. liked each other for who the other was. I always felt like I could trust him.. like I had a connection with him I hadn't been privledged enough to have with anyone else in my life previously. After he asked me out he was extremely happy to be with me and praised me a lot and loved being around me. It was great. But then something happened; After the first month and a half into the relationship he started getting distant and not talking to me as much. I talked with him about it and I think it scared him.. he kept saying he was afraid he would hurt me and backed off even more. He tried to break up with me one day saying that he loved me too much and didn't want to hurt me but I convinced him that he was just being silly and needed to relax. I didn't understand why he was being this way.. so then we stayed together but he was stil being kindof distant.. the semester started again, and we started seeing each other everyday again.. and maybve it was my fault I was mad at him again because he hadnt talked to me for 7 days straight before the first day of school started.. after I had talked with him before about this I thought he would have tried harder to talk to me more. Keep in mind that before all this I had been used to seeing him everyday for 7 hours or so at a time and talkig to him for hours at a time. We had a lot of fun together. I really cared about him and missed when we used to talk but he just kept getting more distant and stopped talking to me. This continued on for about another 2 months or so.. another time he tried to break up with me because he didn't feel like he was "a relationship person" and didn't want to keep hurting me.. but he still loved me and I convinced him not to. I really cared about him so I didn't want to lose him and was so confused as to what all this was about; since I thought we genuinely started out good for each other and always had been good for each other before we went out. Finally arond the end of march he dumped me saying it just wasnt meant to be; after an argument I got into him with about yet again him not talking to me or wanting to spend time with me. He told me he could go for months without talking to me and that he didn't feel a connection with me. I felt like of course you don't feel it anymore becasue you stopped talking to me..

 

He said when we broke up that if it works out that we're together again then we'll know its meant to be. He said maybe we'll get back together. But that he didn't have feelings for me anymore. Anyway now months have passed. I kept seeing him in school unavoidably until the end of May and it was going bad. I kept trying to get back with him and nothing was going well between us. He was avoiding me a lot and he said we were friends although the friendship was more of a word than an actuality. Anyway I didn't talk to him for the whole month of June, I felt like I needed to give him space. Also bc I was going on some advice about how to get someone to want you back.. is to give him space, and I knew he needed space. He did tell me that. We talked in early july on aim had a lot of fun joked around he wasn't being distant anymore but no talk of relationship, just friendly. We talked again recently (last night) it was friendly but I slipped and I asked him if he thought this would work out that we'd be back together again and he said "probably not." Basically he still doesn't seem to have feelings for me but is friendly and nice to me. He said he isn't seeing anybody else.. I asked him if he missed me and he said "I miss everybody" (Everybody from school). I asked him if he wanted to hangout with me and he said yeah but then he said he probably wouildnt' be free until school started.. I thought that was probably not true he probably just doesn't want to have to go out of his way to see me like during the summer; in class ill be right there.

 

So whats hard is when your ex is amazing and you fall in love and then something stupid happens that you don't understand and you still care. I can't hate him because hes so nice and just has all the qualities I like in a person. I can't hate him but it hurts because I want more and to be honest I don't understand why the change.. people have told me he got scared; but if thats true then when will he be unscared? And how is this fair when I thought we had something beautiful going.. So is he just my friend? Or just my friend for now? I know I should move on but how can I when I'll always see him and to be honest I don't want to ccompletley forget about him, people whom ive told this story to tell me that hes a jerk but they dont realize hes my friend underneath it all too, and i dont want to leave him behind. I mean he said we could talk abot the relationship again once school starts but im sure he'll just say "oh i still dont have feelings" and thats it. Plus "probably not" isnt a lot to go on that ill be with him again. Anyway just for the record he siad all this happened because he realized the relationship "wasnt right" and "wasnt meant to be" so he stopped talking and that we didnt have that much in common or were compatible (which is a load of bs if you ask me). Anyway thats my little dilemma. So I said Id call him to see when he wants to hang out (we're doing this as friends) and thats the last thing I said. He was nice but friendly and thats it. I dont know what to do. Its hard to let go or want to let go because I really cared about him and dont want to lose him.. I mean sure he is my friend but I want more so how can I deal with this... and he knows I want more... what can I do? Can anyone help me make sense of this? I'm posting this in the "ex b/f / g/f relationships" forum and "not getting back together" forum bc we're friends and I dont think we'll get back together (but I want to). Someone please give me some advice..

[Finch]

Your situation sounds very similar to the one that my ex-girlfriend and I had gone through. We had dated for about a year and things started to go sour around December. We then proceeded to break up in March. When we finally broke up there wasn't really much of a difference. We still hung out all the time, talked on the phone for hours, and were affectionate. At first it was ok because I felt a new sense of freedom that I had lacked for so long. I figured out that my ex was just too much. She was always around me, always calling me, and when we weren't together she wanted to be together. That is flattering and all, however, a guy needs his space. So when she started doing this even AFTER we broke up I decided that it was too much and I became distant.

 

I didn't end our friendship or anything like that, but I stop calling as much, didn't hang out with her as much, and we both gave each other a little bit of space. It didn't really work out though, as she continued to get involved in my personal affairs and interrupted a possible relationship with this girl that I was sort of involved with. That's when I decided I didn't want to speak to her at all anymore.

 

I established no contact for about a month and then started talking to her about 2 weeks ago. When we first started talking it was fine because she claimed that she didn't "have feelings for me anymore" and wasn't clingy or too affectionate or anything like that. In fact, I was almost drawn to her because she acted like I didn't matter to her that way anymore. However, finally she broke down and recently she confessed that she was still in love with me. This was right before she started acting really clingy and everything.

 

After all of this drama I think I have finally figured out that a guy just really wants to be loved, however not smothered. He doesn't mind being on the phone with you for several hours every once in awhile but everyday is a little too much. Sometimes guys just want their freedom. The ability to do what they want without hurting the ones that they love by telling them that sometimes they just want to get off the phone or they want to stay home or go out with their friends.

 

My advice to you would to drop the whole "I want you back desperately" situation and act like you're doing fine, even if you're not. You need to not be calling him all the time. Let him call you. You need to act basically like he isn't the center of your universe, because he isn't. If you do that, he will maybe feel a little more comfortable with you and who knows what will happen after that.

[Mun]

Azure,

Your first problem is that everytime your bf wanted to break up you tried to "convince" him to stay with you. You never gave him his space. How is a guy going to make up his mind about how he feels about you if you are constantly hovering over him? This looks needy, and pushy. You know this. I'm sure you are a smart girl and you didn't mean to do this. You just loved him thats all.. right? He said all the right things and I am sure he meant them at the time. And then something happened.... Don't worry it's happened to alot of women ( me too) Guys get scared when they think you might be "the one" or pretty close. Think about it.

 

If you constantly chase after something it's going to keep running away. The things you have to do are

1)Stop calling him, let him be the one to call you.
2)Don't talk about the relationship, talk about anything else: the weather, sports, books but not about that! Let him be the one to bring it up.
3)Get on with your life, without him.

[/b]

 

A girl who has a complete life is very attractive--I'm sure that is one of the things that got him interested in you in the first place.

Good luck girl.

[Azure13]

Thanks muneca.. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but I was so confused why he was acting that way when he had just started going out and everything was going so well. I thought he was trying to break up for silly reasons and I thought I could convince him not to.. yeah I loved him.. I had just started to fall in love with him and we both had actually just said I love you for the first time within the past few weeks that that happened.. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but now I don't know how to fix it. I mean he said I could call him to see when to hangout when i spoke to him a day or two ago, I hadn't been calling him at all,... we talked through aim.. I've been doing lots of things without him this is only the second time I've talked to him this summer.. so I shouldnt call him to get together? He said it was okay.. He has stopped running from me and is nice and talks to me. Hes friendly so I think me not talking to him for a while gave him some space, but unfortunately now it seems like his feelings are gone Finch, I hadn't been calling him a lot or doing anything like that for a while now. I talked to him on aol instant messenger once in early july, and then recently a day or two ago. Thats the most I've talked to him since the last day of school which was May. Its made a lot of difference like now we'll talk as friends. I probably shouldn't have brought up the relationship thing at all but at least I didn't beg or anything.. I just said to him if he thought it would work out that we'd be together again (because he said we might later). I mean so I had been doing that I havent been calling him or talking to him a lot or even seeing him a lot. My situation is now he is all buddy buddy and whatnot.. now he has no feelings lol. So he has calmed down and isn't avoiding me, but it seems as though his feelings have died. I don't know how to get someone who used to love me to suddenly want me like that again. To be honest part of the reason why its bugging me so much is that its this whole "maybe" thing. It kindof prevents me from moving on and I'm stuck thinking maybe he will want me back and between maybe I should just move on.. starting to get lonely you know.. so thats that.. right now hes a friend.. I see the mistakes I made back in last winter now sure but now that I am acting different it is kindof too late it feels like.. ah I dunno.

[Mun]

Hi Azure,

The times you have talked to him on IMZ now.... who has initiated contact? If it is him.. Great! If it is you... then you need to back off a bit. Let him be the one who initiates contact. You say his feelings are gone, and you know this--you can't make someone love you. If his feelings are gone then there isn't much you can do about that. If you think he could still have feelings for you but maybe you have smothered him and that is why he is cold.. then there is hope.

 

You have to remember that you are single. Act accordingly. No one said you had to wait for him, so don't. Trust me, when a man cares about you he will come after you. So continue to go out, don't stop your life. If it is meant to be he will be back.

[Azure13]

Hi Muneca,

I initiated contact both times but I don't know what would have happened if I had waited a minute or so longer.. (pretty much I just IM'd him when I signed on...) To be honest I really don't know anymore. But I don't believe he has feelings for me right now. I think in the beginning this all started because he felt scared (which really wasn't my fault) so he backed away, and distanced himself.. that at the time it was a matter of fear and space I guess.. but now hes just completely had his feelings died. Now he is steadfast in thinking they we simply aren't mean to be and I don't understand why. Its dumb in that he finally told me when we actually were about to breakup why he was being distant and not talking to me as much and that it was because he thought I said something like I thought that "We would be together forever" which I didn't even say - how incredibly ironic. Not fair at all but when I told him that he said he was "Over it" and that now its more than that. Plus couldn't he have told me this all the times that I asked him why he wasn't talking to me as much before everything got this bad? I wish I could reason with him this just wasn't fair to me at all because I didn't do anything wrong (at least not til after we broke up..) In the beginning of the breakup he said he still cared a little but that it was weaker.. I guess I waited too long and I pushed him away when I had more of a chance.. I think hes pretty much just "decided" at this point that we aren't right for each other and that is that. Hes said he still cares for me as a friend.. I mean we really didn't start having any problems at all until it seemed like he started making one around when he started getting all distant and scared.. or whatever it was he was doing. I've heard you can try and influence someone to fall in love again or seduce them in a way.. but I don't know, I've never been good at getting people to like me when I'm trying to, usually it just happens when it happens and I go with the flow. Plus I'm a shy person and doing something that seems like.. manipulation to get someone to like you almost seems so hard to me. I'm thinking of calling him tomorrow to see if/when he wants to hangout (he said I could call to see and he said we would hangout..) but I don't know if thats the best idea? This has been discouraging.. but for now I suppose I'll just be his friend. This is so ironic though, for all he praised me with at the beginning of the realationship saying i was "too good for him" that now he seems like he doesn't want to be with me at all. I wish I could just tell him all of this reasonably but I think he'll just respond like he has in the past "This is just a feeling." Thanks muneca I always like reading your responses you give some of the best advice on here

[maria219]

I have been looking at posts in this forum and this post was the first one that actually related to what I am going through at this moment. My boyfriend of a few months recently broke up with me for one reason alone: the potential long distance relationship that would happen a year from now when he went off to graduate school. It started with not being able to see each other much in school the past month due to work and school...he found out that he has to go out of town for the entire month of August and he said that we should take a break and talk about getting together again when school starts up since we both go to the same university and live on campus. I was very much against it because I just think that taking a break in general is a bad thing, especially when it's only because you won't be around for a month (and you can still talk on the phone,email, etc.) So he realized how badly I took the idea, and broke up with me all together since the schools he's most likely attending in the fall are half way accross the country. He said that he can't handle the pain of not seeing the person he's dating..and he wanted to end it when he was still here so I can get over it with him not deserting me. Also, if we were meant to be...it will work out. This was so hard to take...and of course I tried convincing him to not throw away a good thing for something that is so far down the road and that we can worry about it when the time comes...but he had made up his mind and wouldn't budge. However, after a week or so..he started becoming more distant with me and pretty much avoiding seeing/speaking to me except when we had class...and whenever I ask him questions pertaining to our relationship...anything along the lines of do you still wanna hang out, etc. he wouldn't answer and say that it's irrelevant or that you're causing more pain. So pretty much, I haven't gotten any answers...so yesterday he got fed up with me because I wanted to just spend a half hour w/ him since I hadn't seen or spoken to him all week and he was just going to go sleep and study....so I asked him again if he wanted to spend time with me...just so I wouldn't be wasting time...and he "allowed" me to ask 10 questions in which he would truthfully answer them. He said he did want to spend time w/ me but he didnt love me anymore....which was so hurtful. In two weeks time, he had somehow put aside all his love...even though he started liking me first, was the one to initiate it, was the first one to even say I love you...I don't understand how someone can change their emotions that quickly...especially when I was only the second girl he has liked in his lifetime and his first real relationship (since he planned to not date for awhile since he's so focused in other things in life..) We were also friends for about 6 months before and talked for hours on end and had lots of classes together...we grew so close that everyone practically thought we were already dating. When we started, I couldn't have been happier...and he was just really supportive, affectionate, etc. But when the last month of the summer semester came...things got more hectic...we couldn't see each other much and that's when things went bad. I still talk to him and might potentially hang out with him before he leaves in august...but it hurts a lot...especially when he told me before that he sees no future in this relationship and that he has put aside his feelings for me. So what should I do? I love him so much...but his being distant (to some extent) and cold (for not telling me any of his feelings even though he knows exactly how I feel) hurts a lot...I know i should give him space (which I will when he leaves) but I don't know what else to do to go about the situation...since he was my best friend and all and I truly fell deeply in love w/ him because I didn't foresee any heartbreak (even to the day he broke up with me...i couldn't believe it..) I don't know how to move on because of the reason he broke up with me and I don't want to give him up forever...Any advice? Thanks

[Mun]

Maria you need to do the same thing Azure needs to do: Leave him alone. The more you ask questions about the relationship the more you push him away. You look needy and desperate. Do you honestly think that is attractive to him?

 

I'm sure you are a smart girl and I know you feel very hurt right now but the truth is you can't force him to be with you. You can't force him to want a relationship with you and he has already made up his mind. Remember to hold on to your dignity and stop persuing him.

 

If he wanted to be with you and to see you or hang out with you he would ask you. Be strong because this is going to be very hard to do but you must do it. When and if he decides to give this relationship a second chance he will be more inclined to do it if he remembers you as the sweet girl he once dated instead of the psycho who wouldn't leave him alone. I know you're not a psycho I'm just saying it to prove a point.( I've done what you are doing and I know it doesn't work)

 

In the future let him initiate contact if there is to be any. If he does not look for you again then think to yourself that it is "his loss" This will help you feel a little bit better. Who knows, he may change his mind when he notices you are indifferent to him ( mine did)

[Azure13]

Maria, your situation is so similar to mine it is mind boggling. We seem to have similar kinds of people we were going out with, stubborn but good hearted.. I understand what you are going through. But I'm trying to do what Muneca has told me... you should do the same. Good luck.. its hard I know but you'll be alright.