How do I heal after the abuse?

[ElasticMagnetic]

I was sexually abused my freshman year in high school by an ex boyfriend who was a sophomore, and I think it may have left some potentially permanent damages. I usually don't like talking about it with anyone because I'm very embarrassed by the whole ordeal.

 

Here's a brief description of what happened:

He would force me to engage in a lot of things that fell under the "general foreplay" almost every time we were together(We never had full blown sex). I had a low labido due to medications, but he didn't seem to care whether or not I was up for it. I was always forced to give him oral for long periods of time, and I was never allowed to say when I wanted to stop. I would cry a lot during it, and he would say he was sorry for making me cry, but then would do it again the next time.

 

 

Perhaps it wasn't as bad as what other people on here have gone through, but I still feel it was traumatizing in some ways. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

 

 

Anyway, about half a year after I broke up with him, I started dating this guy name Mike, who was a year older than me (a junior). We didn't start doing anything intimate until the end of our second month together. I made sure he was aware of what happened to me before we even got close to that point, although it was very hard for me to talk about. He was very understanding about it.

 

Up until that point, I thought I had gotten over what the ex had done to me. So it was a kind of a surprise for me that I would start crying after doing anything "below the belt" for this new guy. And it wasn't just a few tear. It involved lots of heavy weeping on his shoulder and neck.

 

I would naturally push myself because I wanted to please him, even though he made it clear that it wasn't necessary. Maybe the abuse from before "programmed" me to make myself feel like a mere object for men.

 

Needless to say, it slowed down our sex life. This went on for a LONG time. Six full months of our year and a half relationship involved me having these break downs. Of course over time, they became less frequent.

 

 

(Mike and I aren't together anymore, but the sex thing was definitely not why we broke up.)

 

 

 

I'm a very conservative person, so I haven't had any other sexual encounters since I broke up with Mike last spring. However, I am almost positive that the next time I'm intimate with a boyfriend (which could be a while from now), I will have another one of those breakdowns.

 

I'm not sure what to do about it. Does something like this ever go away?

[jooj]

I strongly recommend that you get help from a therapist

[gallop30]

I strongly recommend that you get help from a therapist

 

me too,and i kind of know a lot of things.

 

you're very young,have no experience and relate the first negative experience to the ones to follow,and that's very wrong.

 

so you should go counseling to calm down

[lavenderdove]

Anyone who is a survivor of sexual abuse needs to get some counseling to help them get over and it and learn how to associate sex with pleasure and happiness again rather than fear.

 

It is actually not healthy to spend time crying into the neck of someone who is asking you to do something that is traumatic for you... you need a professional to help you deal with these emotions rather than a boyfriend, such that when you return to sexual activity it is a joyous thing for both of you rather than misery for you and confusion and guilt over causing you pain for him.

 

You also need to learn it is OK to say no, to anyone any time at all, and that no one can force you to do anything you don't want to do because you can say no and walk away. So you need to learn how to empower yourself so that you begin to feel sure again and confident in setting boundaries you are comfortable with rather than feeling helpless and like you have to go along with something you don't want to do.

[SnowFox]

The best thing for you would be to locate a therapist who has experience with sexual abuse and trauma. There are some specialized interventions that can be very helpful for people who've gone through traumatic experiences (eg, EMDR), and if you are willing to put in the time and money for treatment, it is possible that you can heal and move past this.

 

take good care