what is wrong with me now?

[dogwood]

Sigh..

 

So, to sum up: the past couple years of my life have been incredibly exciting/dramatic/filled with all sorts of crap. I had 2 long term relationships, (well one 6 months and the other 1.5 years), I fell in love for the first time, got my heart broken, tried various drugs and was fascinated about the news ways i viewed myself and the world on them, finally became interested in the world around me in a real way, was completely turned on by various classes i was taking, about the world of psychology, philosophy, mythology, writing, film, etc. had amazing experiences with my now-ex, had horrible experiences with my now-ex, just lived a hell of a lot. there was surely more drama than was necessary, but it was a crazy couple years that I will never regret.

 

fast forward to now: a couple months ago, I broke up with my ex J. We are still very close friends, we are still sorta more-than-friends, but we are not quite lovers.. somewhere in between I suppose. we are still affectionate and intimate, but we are not really romantic nor do we have the same expectations of each other. I am single for the first time in a few years and it's strange but it's what I want - my goal for this year is to have the time to do what I want. To focus on myself, get to know my own mind more, focus on anything and everything that interests me without having to pay for it. (I'm taking a year off school, working 4 days a week.)

 

Having broken up with J and recently moved into a funky house downtown, life is finally giving me the peace I've been longing for. J was an amazing girlfriend but was also a terrible one, and I went through way too much drama and heartache being tied to one so unstable. So I'm much happier that we are friends now, and our relationship feels much more solid when we are not lovers. I also have a steady job that I've recently started, and good roommates. I like my house, I like my neighbourhood - basically for the first time in a few years life is peaceful and good and I have nothing to complain about.

 

But I am encountering an entirely new and unexpected problem and I don't even know exactly what it is. I am finding myself less passionate about life, about things I used to be so naturally passionate about, than I ever was. I am finding it so difficult to find motivation and drive, and I have no idea why. For months I was looking forward to this year off, to finally getting peace in my life, having the time to binge on whatever I want (I don't mean substances, I mean art and learning and information and reading and absorbing). From the intricacies of the inside of a piano to the basics of chemistry, to the history of film to the different realities various drugs can put you in and how they interact with your brain.. I am interested in so much, yet I am finding it so hard to really be driven to plunge into it for longer than an hour or so without drifting off.

 

And additionally, I am finding it harder to see beauty in the world. I am finding myself floating through life sort of, and no matter how much I tell myself I want to be more present, more aware of details around me, it's so hard to find the spark inside me that was once fairly easy to conjure. I only find it in fleeting moments now, or when I'm intoxicated. And lastly, I find it hard to be the person I want to be. In fleeting situations, again, I find myself being silly and weird and free, being myself, being unafraid of being judged. Not caring about little things and just loving life and being myself and taking it all in. I remember there were a few months last year where I was becoming so turned on to life and I felt I could confidently say for the first time ever "I love life" - with all its wonder and all its hell. But it's faded, and I want all these things to be here more, but they are so rare.

 

I try to ask myself why. Is it because I am not in school, and it's hard for me to find motivation without external forces inspiring me? That can't just be it, I can't be that lame of a person that I need another individual to turn me onto what I'm already interested in. Is it because there is suddenly no drama in my life and I am finally single after a pretty consistent off-and-on flow of crazyness? Do I depend on it to give me drive? But that can't be it either, because I wasn't passionate when I was fighting with J, or she was putting me through sh*t, I did not enjoy those experiences. And I still see her just as often, so it's not like I've lost her from my life and that is what's affecting me. I can't figure out why I'm like this all of sudden. There is really nothing bothering me in my life right now - everything is good. Good job, good roomies, good friends, a friend-with-benefits deal, and free time to do whatever I like, finally.

 

Am I slightly depressed? J mentioned that could be it, and has suggested that on a few various occasions over the couple of years we've known each other. She thinks I have some mild biological depression, chemical in my brain, thus can't control it very well, or can only change the way i see the world to a degree. And that I also have environmental dependance as a result of the depression (which my be true - I am incredibly sensitive to the environment around me, more than I would like..) But that's what I want - to change this dissatisfying way of seeing the world. I want to be happy in my own head, be able to be myself, plunge into other world, enjoy life, have passion - but like I've said, it's just really hard to find lately, now that life has finally settled down. And I have no freaking clue why. Or what to do about it. i can't just waste my life away not being inspired by what I know turns me on. I feel so bloody aimless and slightly apathetic. Why....

[lucasky]

Finishing school can cause a little depression for most people. I went through a crazy whirlwind of things in my last two years too, but I think the big thing that threw me for a while was being done school. I finished last April.

 

Here's some reasons why finishing school seems weird:

All your life you've had people asking you what you were up to - you'd say you were in school, tell them what you were studying and what you enjoyed about it, and usually the follow up question is: what are you doing to do afterwards? Your answer was probably some ambition you had or dream or whatever you want to call it.

 

Those dreams probably aren't forgotten - but I bet now that you're done school, people have stopped asking you about your future as much. Somehow that constant asking motivates people who keeps people happy. When they stop getting asked about where they're going, they start to settle and shelve their dreams. It makes sense: my new job pays GREAT. Its not my dream - but why would anyone ever say to me "So where are you going after this?". By all accounts people may be afraid of insulting me by implying that - oh no - I'd want to change my situation.

 

Beyond that, in school you're working with a year-to-year system. Each year, you will have progressed further, and you'll have had ample updates on your progress along the way (grades etc). In the real world, you may not see progress in a career for years, and reviews from superiors won't come month by month. There's no grades in most jobs.

 

What's more is that Psychology class that you loved So much or whatever it was that you took doesn't REALLY matter to your employer.

 

School is kind of a cushion from the rest of the outside world. MANY people our age go through a period of depression/uncertainty/crisis when they're thrown into a whole new system of things.

 

So... welcome to the world everyone else lives in. You've had some college experiences like we all do, you've felt love, your life is still as undecided as ever, who knows what is next. You're not broken. You're pretty normal. Maybe being normal is scary. Maybe you need to feel broken to feel unlike others. I can't tell you about you, but I can say that college can make you feel set apart from others - in a good way - and realizing everyone before you went through what you did may be unsatisfying. Don't want to settle? Don't! What do you want? Go get it.

[Mauxly]

Great post by Lucasky!

I went through depressions after finishing.each of my degrees. It's pretty normal.

[dogwood]

Hey.. I realized I never read this reply until now.. ! And true, great reply Lucasky. You are definitely right. School makes life very easy in some ways - it is a break from reality, you are constantly given "free" drive and motivation just by attending classes every day and being absorbed by interesting and mind-opening intellectual stimulation, and yes, you are given constant progress updates and badges in the form of grades, thus you continuously feel accomplished (as long as you're doing well of course.) The past several months I've gone from job to job (managed to stay at the current one 3 months though so finally stabilizing that area), but even so, i hate work. I work at a chaotic and hellish starbucks in the university library. I mean it's not terrible, but it's very stressful, it's grunt work.. I am not using my brain whatsoever, it just feels like a waste of life to me. And I come home from work feeling exhausted, rather than inspired as I would from school.

 

Aside from the school VS job aspect though, I am hoping things are starting to pick up a little. I still feel a massive uncertainty in my life, as I really haven't made as much progress as I'd hoped to by now at all. In fact, after moving in December to this current co-op house (7 roommates), I realized within about a month or so that I am not happy at this house either. (have had some great experiences though and made a couple of new friends.) But way too many people for me, I feel suffocated, as much as I love (some of) my roommates. So I am on the hunt for a new place again. Constant job and house changing is so frustrating, as it's really made it hard to plunge into my interests as I've been so longing to do. But I'm very much hoping to find a place for April or May 1st, and to find a place I really like so I do not have to move again! Also strangely enough, J and I have somewhat gotten back together. We don't officially call each other gfs anymore, still refer as friends, but every other aspect of a relationship is there, and is much more drama-free, and we are closer and happier and more stable than I think we have been in a long while. I suppose I'm rambling here now.. but I just wanted to give kudos to the good advice which very much rings true. After all the unknown is what we fear the most.. so of course that would give me a couple of issues when I'm swimming in a swamp of it. I'll keep on trucking for now..