Would this bother you?

[sj]

My girlfriend has a job which takes her out of town a lot (half the year). On the job, she works during the day, and then often parties with the oither workers at night. Most of the time, this doesn't bother me. I ask though, that she at least call me to let me know she's alright (we've gotten in a number of fights over this, because I often am left worrying about her till very late in the morning because I have no idea where she is or what she's doing).

 

Anyway, one night she was apparently going out for dinner with the entire crew. I figured she would be back to her hotel around 10:00pm (she usually has to get up early, and always complains about not getting enough sleep).

 

At around 1:30am, I finally decided to call her. Turns out, the "dinner" was over at 9:00, and she and 2 guys and another girl were in her hotel room, having beer and pizza.

 

Now this may have been innocent enough, but nevertheless, it bothered me. She doesn't understand why. I'm not sure I understand why.

 

Should it not bother me?

[brtlangst]

It would bother me but I've always been the jealouse type. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain and they aren't for everybody. I think you should be asking yourself how much you trust this person and how much they deserve that trust. Everybody is afraid to get hurt emotionally. Try and talk it out with your signifigant other, communication always helps in any situation.

[ridikerous]

Yes, you SHOULD be bothered. But she was only having fun. If you are really the one she loves, she will always come back to you, and assure you that it was only fun, and comfort you, and care about your feelings. She should make calling you when you want her to a #1 priority, ahead of having fun, though. She shouldn't make having fun more important than your relationship.

[Cecelius]

Is it the "double date" aspect that rubs you the wrong way? and does she have any history with anyone (you or past b/fs) of cheating or going too close to the line?

 

I don't think its inappropriate straight out unless there is any possibility that any of the guys in the room are into her and she knows it (she should keep them at a distance even if she has to work with them), if she is into any of them (self explanatory) or if she has a tendency to over-drink in these events.

 

If she has a cheating history that is something.

[NinjaLink]

yea it would defiantely bother me. You have to think about this though...Do you really want this long distance relationship? Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain because you have to trust the person 2x more than a short distance relationship. Talk to her about how you feel because that is the only way you can get answers and you can pretty much decide if you want to stay in the relationship or not.

[sj]

Thanks very much for the replies so far. I really appreciate it.

 

Is it the "double date" aspect that rubs you the wrong way? and does she have any history with anyone (you or past b/fs) of cheating or going too close to the line?

 

Yes, the "double date" thing crossed my mind. 2 guys, 2 girls, beer, hotel room....

 

That's why I had to post this, because when I question the situation, she makes me feel as if I'm insane to even think anything. As if I'm truly nuts to feel at all bothered.

 

So I think, 'really? is it me? would no one else be bothered by things like this? am I some sort of jealous lunatic?"

 

She did cheat on me, a long while ago, and though we got over it, and I don't believe she would do it again, it's hard to completely put that out of my mind.

 

And I don't know who these guys are, or what their intentions are, I have no idea.

 

I just wish she would be more understanding as to how it is on my end. She may simply be trying to have a good time, and doesn't need me on her back or questioning her "or trying to keep her on a leash", but it's not exactly fun being at home, wondering and worrying or feeling jealous all the time. It's no fun at all.

[Scout]

I think you're very lucky to have a girlfriend that has no problem with the fact that you require her to check in each evening when she gets home. Ugh. She's the one who should be bothered - I can't imagine a boyfriend actually expecting I do this every time I go out.

[sj]

Scout-I do not "require her to check in", and if you could read, you would see that she does have a problem...sometimes. She also is very lucky to have me here when she needs someone to talk to, she calls me all the time, and I am always here for her.

 

Having said that, I am very lucky, not only to have her, but judging from your reply, to not have you, as you come off like a real jerk. I pity your boyfriend, if in fact you have one.

[Scout]

My girlfriend has a job which takes her out of town a lot (half the year). On the job, she works during the day, and then often parties with the oither workers at night. Most of the time, this doesn't bother me. I ask though, that she at least call me to let me know she's alright (we've gotten in a number of fights over this, because I often am left worrying about her till very late in the morning because I have no idea where she is or what she's doing).

 

SJ - as you can see, I know how to read. Your comment above certainly indicates you require a check in whenever your girlfriend is out. Listen, if you can't handle feedback that is different from what you want to hear, don't post on eNotalone and DON'T insult posters who are taking time out of their day to address your situation, whether it's something you wanted to hear or not.

[sj]

Scout-How come other people were able to post their opinions without saying things like "ugh". I don't mind hearing things if they are presented in an intelligent and thoughtful way. Your comments sounded childish and flip.

 

And as far as the "require" thing goes, I never said I "require her to check in", like I'm her boss or something, I said I "ask" her to think about my position, and I "ask" her to be understanding, and I "ask" her to shoot me a call if she's going to be out real late. And she is free to do what she wants. But when someone calls you all the time, every day, of their own volition, and then all of sudden doesn't, you wonder, hmm, that's weird. Shoot me for being caring when my girlfriend is accross the country.

 

The fact that you are manipulating what I'm saying into me be some kind of task master shows where you are coming from. And to take time out of your day to say things like"ugh", and in so many words insult me, well why would you do that? No one else did. That's why I have a problem with you.

 

You could have simply answered my question. You could have said, "I wouldn't have a problem at all if my "boyfriend" were out, didn't call me, and was in his hotel with 2 girls and another guy drinking beer at 1:30 in the morning."

 

I would have excepted your reply just fine.

[Scout]

SJ - you have a point about the word "ugh." My original post could have been more tactful. To be honest, I went with my first reaction, after reading your post. I have never been in a relationship where my boyfriend wanted me to call him when I got home after an evening out - at least not every time I went out. Generally, I've dated the kinds of guys that are trusting and pretty secure with themselves.

 

To me, this seems like something a controlling boyfriend would ask. I suppose you can say you ask this so you won't worry about your girlfriend, but do you ask your close friends or family to call you when they get home from an evening out, just so you don't worry?

 

I am not making you out to be a taskmaster, for goodness sake, but you state plainly you fight with your girlfriend when she doesn't do this. So the issue is clearly a combative one, whether we are dwelling on the actual semantics of the words "Ask" vs. "Require." And it's putting a lot of pressure on her that could push her into doing something she normally wouldn't, or even eventually leave you if she feels she has to always account for her time when she's away from you.

 

Yes, everyone else gave you gentle advice, but I'm trying to be the voice of reality here - people eventually resent having to feel like they have to check in. For one thing, it indicates a lack of trust. Two, it can make a person feel suffocated/trapped.

 

It's apparent you have some serious trust issues here, and they may be warranted, but maybe they aren't. I can tell you that the more you panic over the situation and insist (or ask) that she call you after her evenings out, and basically account for her time, the worse the situation is going to get.

[sj]

you have a point about the word "ugh." My original post could have been more tactful.

 

Yes, thanks.

 

Generally, I've dated the kinds of guys that are trusting and pretty secure with themselves.

 

Good for you. So you're assuming I'm distrustful and insecure. Okay. So what happened with these secure and trusting guys?

 

To me, this seems like something a controlling boyfriend would ask. I suppose you can say you ask this so you won't worry about your girlfriend, but do you ask your close friends or family to call you when they get home from an evening out, just so you don't worry?

 

If they called me all the time, every other night, and then didn't one night, I suppose I would wonder why.

 

I am not making you out to be a taskmaster, for goodness sake, but you state plainly you fight with your girlfriend when she doesn't do this. So the issue is clearly a combative one, whether we are dwelling on the actual semantics of the words "Ask" vs. "Require." And it's putting a lot of pressure on her that could push her into doing something she normally wouldn't, or even eventually leave you if she feels she has to always account for her time when she's away from you.

 

Your focus seems very one-sided to me. You seem to be leaving out the parts where I have stated that she calls me all the time, and likes having me there for her. She likes "checking in" if that's what you want to call it. But is it fair to have me there, but then resent me when I get concerned, or make me feel like I'm sort of being used when it's convenient, and all of a sudden I'm putting "pressure on her". As far as I'm concerned, it's not pressure to check in, it's just being cool and understanding of how it is on my end.

 

Yes, everyone else gave you gentle advice, but I'm trying to be the voice of reality here

 

The voice of reality can be presented in a gentle way, can't it? Also, I don't think the other's who have responded were not speaking the voice of reality. Their responses were perfectly valid. You may be giving yourself a little too much credit.

 

 

It's apparent you have some serious trust issues here, and they may be warranted, but maybe they aren't. I can tell you that the more you panic over the situation and insist (or ask) that she call you after her evenings out, and basically account for her time, the worse the situation is going to get.

 

Well we've worked it out, and she now understands where I was coming from. Again, it's not about her accounting for her time. I am usually very cool and understanding about her freedom to do what she wants.

 

Let me just ask you, since you never really answered my question:

 

Would it bother you at all if your boyfriend was hanging out in his hotel room with a friend and 2 girls, drinking beer, at 1:30 or 2:00 am? Or are you so secure in yourself, and so trusting in your boyfriend and these 2 girls that you don't even know, that you wouldn't even think twice about it. Your reaction would be "alright! great! didn't mean to interrupt or suffocate you, have fun!"

[edexter73]

I think it all comes down to the fact that she cheated before. You never get that out of your head, she should know that and have the respect of not putting herself in situations that would come off as suspicious. I have much experience in cheating girlfriends, she sounds shady to me, be cautious dude!!!!

[Cecelius]

I didn't know about the cheating.

 

You're the man here, so you have to do what is right here. She cheated before -- personally, I would have dropped her there -- no questions, no drama, no girlfriend.

 

Maybe it was minimal, maybe you can live with it and maybe you've decided that she's the best thing in the world and you cannot live without her, or that you could but don't choose to.

 

Either what is happening here is that you're not over her cheating and the lack of trust permeates your dealings with her (and that's her fault) or you have, based on some unspoken principle, decided that she's bumping up against your BS threshold. If its the former, then I think you need to just dump her, and if its the latter, then you need to tell her she's acting inappropriately and that she needs to cut it out.

 

Either way, she's doing what she wants (and what she wants is not okay) and you need to put a stop to it. Don't let love or the fact that you're a heck of a nice guy enable her to get away with doing disrespectful things.

[Scout]

Hi SJ - you know, I didn't even see the part about where she had cheated on you in the past. If I had, I would have taken a totally different view of your situation. I don't know how I missed that, guess I was reading too fast. Anyway, I sincerely apologize for my former posts.

 

If your girlfriend hadn't cheated on you in the past, I would still understand being upset about her partying in her hotel with another girl and two guys. Yes, it seems like a double date. Still, we have to at some point just put our trust in our partners, and give them their freedom, or our jealousy will create a monster out of them, trust me on this! And let some things like the above slide.

 

HOWEVER - if this person has cheated on you in the past, I say this behavior is a big, red flag. And I can now understand your desire to have her call you after she goes out! (edited for misplacing the words "her" and "you")

 

I am afraid you are opening up yourself to the possibility of getting really hurt again. And it will feel even worse the second time (if it happens) because you will be kicking yourself thinking "why did I trust her again?"

 

Still, you said that you two had honestly worked hard at getting over the past incident, and it is possible it won't happen again. It's great you were able to forgive her in the past, and I don't think that makes you a chump or anything. I think in some cases, when someone cheats, they are honestly remorseful and committed to making sure they never do it again. Obviously, you felt your girl was truly sorry and you gave her another chance, which was pretty generous and loving of you. Unfortunately, some things are happening that are raising some alarms with you. Basically, you're at the point where you have to start listening to these "intuitive" inner voices, and make your decisions from there. It's hard I know, but try to remain as calm and objective as possible, and sort of examine the situation. You will know the right answer after giving this a lot of thought.

 

Sorry I couldn't have given this advice sooner.

 

- Scout

[electricekcentric]

yes it would bother me,but not as much if she would have told me before i had to call and find out..the dinner was over at 9.00.if it was truly innocent she would have called you long before 130 am!

[electricekcentric]

yes it would bother me,but not as much if she would have told me before i had to call and find out..the dinner was over at 9.00.if it was truly innocent she would have called you long before 130 am!