Nixee Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I've been doing online dating on and off for a long time now, and I've always had a decently thick skin and understood that there are aggressive and well... we will say less-than-classy guys out there, but I fear I might just be hitting my limit. Either the number of such guys/inappropriate messages has increased, or my sensitivity has greatly increased - or possibly both. I just can't understand anymore what makes a person think it is okay to send rude, sexually explicit, sexually soliciting, or physically objectifying sorts of messages to another person that they don't even know right off the bat. I get at least one or two of these types of messages a day, yet nowhere in my profile does it indicate that I would be at all interested in that. In fact, my profile right now actually says I am looking for friends only, interested in moving slow. Yet it seems that roughly 80% of the messages I receive are from people who do not actually read my profile, they have only looked at my pictures. I have had my breasts commented on (and trust me, they aren't accentuated in any photos.. my photos are family-friendly), been solicited for sexual fantasies, and been asked for various nude photos. Comments telling me I am "hot" or "gorgeous" I normally don't mind (I don't even necessarily agree with!), but put everything together and it gets to the point that ANY comment on my looks starts to turn me off. I know this may seem like a silly thing to complain about.... but let me be clear - none of this is a reflection of my view of myself or even how I may appear in person after dating for some time. In my mind this is an issue of anonymity and fantasy. As though some people think it is okay to say such inappropriate things to someone they do not know right off the bat because it is all part of the fantasy. ... But it isn't fantasy - it is aggression and objectification, and I am a real person, and it sucks I'm sick of it. The closest real world example of this I can come up with (other than inappropriate drunken bar behavior).. is Halloween. Holiday of fantasy and being protected by your mask or costume. I have been out at times on that holiday before and been very blatantly and openly objectified and even had pretty horrible things said to me. I just don't know anymore if the issue is me being too sensitive, or if there really are just more and more jerks. I guess right now I mainly felt the need to rant about it, but I also feel worried - worried that it is going to make me walk away from dating, or trying to date altogether as I just become too jaded and turned off by the whole thing. Anyone relate? Any hope? I don't really want to become a bitter man-hater, or overly defensive or anything like that... Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Two main reasons: 1. Lack of self-consciousness/self-awareness/traditional manners. 2. It's an easy and direct way of weeding out women that don't like that kind of attention. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I've heard about this quite a bit from women. Of course, it's asinine behavior, and unfortunately goes with the territory in the online dating ether. Are you using a free site? Paying sites usually attract a better clientele. Also, you may want to eliminate your picture library to just one non-glam head shot. If you are "hot" or "gorgeous," the more pictures you show, the more you're susceptible to attracting creeps. If someone is interested (and respectful), you can always send him more. Link to comment
Armando929 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I think its obvious why, Most dudes just go to online dating to get laid, simple. And they've been told that women who appear on those websites are mostly skanks. Not right, I agree. But I've always been iffy about the online thing anyway. Never trusted it. Link to comment
Nixee Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 I do currently use a free site, however I have used two other pay sites before. I have met my share of crazies on pay sites as well, though... to be fair, yes... there are more on the free sites. BUT... there are just MORE in general on the free sites because, well... they are free. Therefore, free messaging and ... MORE messaging. I actually have seen some of the same people on both the free site and pay site... so I'm not sure the people I meet who are suited for me would be so different, but sure... perhaps the quality of messages may go up. I don't know. At this point I just feel tired. But thanks for the pictures tip. I don't have a ton of pictures, maybe five.. but I may reduce it to one or two. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I have meet a lot of nice ladies online, I have also been able to get laid quite easily online. Fact is there are women that bite on the bait they toss out. Bottom line, whether online, in a bar, in the grocery store, in church or whatever....you have to weed out who you date. Its like screening resumes. If a guys online resume is inappropriate, delete it and move to the next candidate. Link to comment
Nixee Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Well... a "resume" or profile is one thing... that would tell me what he is after - if he is there looking for casual sex, or whatever. I don't contact those people. I actually read profiles. What frustrates me is that they don't seem to read mine. If they did, they wouldn't need to weed me out, because my profile says right in it that I'm not interested in that sort of thing. But.. I do get the concept of delete/ignore and move on. It has just gotten harder with time. I just find myself more and more jaded... and disgusted.. and frustrated. Link to comment
Brightest Dark Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 How about only posting pix of you from the shoulders up? You say your photos are 'family-friendly' - if guys can still see your figure maybe they just want to comment on that. I don't know - I'm on a couple of sites and get quite a lot of messages but I rarely get sexual ones. I think I may have got one on POF a while back (currently got my page hidden as I'm bored of messages from guys I'm not into) but hardly any. My photos mostly show just my head. There's one of me from head to toe but I'm in trousers and a jacket. Other than that - I wonder if your profile just gives away an air that it's ok to do that. I think I come accross too strong in my profile - and I tell people not to contact me if we don't have things in common, talk about how I'm into animal rights etc. What sort of things have you got written on your profile if you don't mind saying? Maybe you come accross as more of a girlie girl and they think they can get away with it. Link to comment
Nixee Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Well... as for the pics... tonight I took down about 2-3 pics. Most of my pic actually were just shoulders up, but I don't know, maybe you could gauge breast size from them? Ugh. I think I had two full body shots, on vacation, fully clothed. By far the most "provocative" I guess was me on vacation and in a dress with a friend just before her wedding - not an overly sexy dress at all, just a semi-formal but tropical dress. Other headshots were smiling, playful.... took them down, left the more reserved ones up. As for my profile, it is extremely tame I think. I talk about myself, who I am, what I do, what I like... not at all flirty. In fact I will go through it again I think and make sure. It even says right in it (other than the aforementioned parameters stating that I'm not looking for dates) that I am only interested in friends at the moment and if someone sends me a message just to be flirty that I will most likely be unresponsive. Link to comment
newwave Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 You need to post your avatar photo there and tell them you'll shoot them, lol. Seriously though, I had this problem online and like mentioned unfortunately online has become about sex, especially with the free sites. I've heard also that in some ways "friends only" means "fwb". It's wrong but it's happening. I don't get why some men do this. Link to comment
Nixee Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Ugh.... I would hope friends only isn't taken as FWB. Especially since you have the option of declaring openly that you are looking for casual sex... but I don't doubt that you are right. The other thing that I have come accross on free sites is people who make fake profiles just to either "see what is out there" or just mess with people, as a sort of social experiment or something. I have actually gotten harassing messages from more than one profile belonging to the same person. What is frustrating I guess is just that I have had a profile for a long time and it just seems way worse in recent days than it used to be. Link to comment
MinziGirl Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I would jst delete it after reading 2 words of it & report the person to the administration. These men are just like dogs barking at you as you walk pass them. Why should you be bothered by them? Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I've never had to use it, but I've heard that some sites do have an administrator alert/complaint system in place as well as block capability for messaging. At least you won't hear from the same jerk twice. If you do actively read profiles, do you ever initiate contact with anyone? Of course, a dawgs will jump on this and you can promptly identify and delete them based on their response. But taking control and being proactive in your search may net you a much better fit than simply weeding through whoever contacts you. You've seen how the dawgs approach this. The nicer guys aren't that aggressive. The more well-rounded guys may not search/rely on online that extensively. You know, you may have walked by your potential soulmate on the sidewalk today. That can happen online as well. Use the anonymity of online dating to your advantage by taking a proactive approach. Link to comment
testcase Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 People can suck. I really just wonder what kind of girls on there actually respond favorably to that. I dunno Nixee I wish you good luck! Eventually you'll be able to deactivate that profile. Link to comment
afrodite79 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I think guys feel okay doing this online because they're basically anonymous. They probably feel that gives them license to say whatever they want without direct confrontation. I doubt that they would say some of the things they do to a woman in the grocery store like that. They'd get cursed out or have the police called on them. I liken it how when I worked at a call center people felt like they could curse me out on the phone but in real life retail it's rarely happened. I get a feeling that some of the guys who think it's okay to be inappropriate online can barely bring themselves to speak to a woman in real life. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I don't get why some men do this. Because it works. Link to comment
newwave Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Ugh.... I would hope friends only isn't taken as FWB. Especially since you have the option of declaring openly that you are looking for casual sex... but I don't doubt that you are right. The other thing that I have come accross on free sites is people who make fake profiles just to either "see what is out there" or just mess with people, as a sort of social experiment or something. I have actually gotten harassing messages from more than one profile belonging to the same person. What is frustrating I guess is just that I have had a profile for a long time and it just seems way worse in recent days than it used to be. I think sites need to fix this problem with multiple profiles, though I've seen that problem. The problem with free sites is people who aren't even serious about finding someone create multiple profiles and it makes no sense. Link to comment
Nixee Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 I would jst delete it after reading 2 words of it & report the person to the administration. These men are just like dogs barking at you as you walk pass them. Why should you be bothered by them? Thing is... I didn't used to be so bothered... I think I've just gotten older, and more tired and jaded I guess I don't know. Or maybe the number of jerks out there really has increased? Hard to tell. But fundamentally I agree with you... gotta move on... Still doesn't make the behavior okay. I've never had to use it, but I've heard that some sites do have an administrator alert/complaint system in place as well as block capability for messaging. At least you won't hear from the same jerk twice. If you do actively read profiles, do you ever initiate contact with anyone? Of course, a dawgs will jump on this and you can promptly identify and delete them based on their response. But taking control and being proactive in your search may net you a much better fit than simply weeding through whoever contacts you. You've seen how the dawgs approach this. The nicer guys aren't that aggressive. The more well-rounded guys may not search/rely on online that extensively. You know, you may have walked by your potential soulmate on the sidewalk today. That can happen online as well. Use the anonymity of online dating to your advantage by taking a proactive approach. You are right that there is a report feature. I have never used it though. I almost did just yesterday, but feeling rather PO'd instead, I actually messaged the guy back instead. He gave me an apology, which I'm not sure I even bought, then later I got a message from a duplicate profile. I know I tend to be far too much of a softy about things like that, so next time... report it is. But yes, I do read profiles and occasionally make first contact myself, though I am very selective. Right now I'm not really actively searching so much, and I mostly log on when I get a message to respond to those who are worth responding to (not the jerks). But my most recent ex was/is an absolutely wonderful person, and he is probably the reason I'm not actively searching to be honest... and we met online. And I was the one to make first contact, because yes... he is more introverted. Link to comment
Nixee Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 I think guys feel okay doing this online because they're basically anonymous. They probably feel that gives them license to say whatever they want without direct confrontation. I doubt that they would say some of the things they do to a woman in the grocery store like that. They'd get cursed out or have the police called on them. I liken it how when I worked at a call center people felt like they could curse me out on the phone but in real life retail it's rarely happened. I get a feeling that some of the guys who think it's okay to be inappropriate online can barely bring themselves to speak to a woman in real life. This has been my gut feeling as well. Perhaps it works with some women to get attention, and that saddens me, as it speaks poorly for women in general. But I suppose that sort of behavior reflects bad on men and online dating as well... ugh. I'm really not a prude by any means, but class and tact seem kinda rare and priceless at times. Link to comment
hrtlsngl7 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Yuh, it screws it up for us regular (relative term) guys who are looking for a regular girl. Link to comment
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