Looking for others in the same boat

[Kaylum]

Hello, first time poster here! I'm a 39-year-old woman who is in a rather unique (for this day and age) position. See, I've never actually had sex or even a steady boyfriend, which sets me apart from the typical "lonely heart" who has at least a few relationships under her belt. Oh I've come close, and I know how to "DIY" just fine, but I've never had the experience of being with a guy who was as into me as I was into him. Although I've tried not to let it bother me too much, it really has affected my self esteem. I keep wondering if there's something wrong with me that prevents guys from being truly attracted to me. Oh I could always find a guy who only wants sex, but I'm not wired that way. I need an emotional connection to feel comfortable enough to open up to a guy physically. That has only happened once in my life, and it didn't work out because although he likes me and we are still good friends, he just doesn't feel "that way" about me. I'm intelligent enough to know that it is much better to be alone than stuck in a bad relationship, but I'm also human and crave physical affection (emphasis on affection) as much as anyone.

 

I'm not really looking for advice at this point because I know that no one can solve this problem for me, but I just had to get it off my chest, and I'd love to hear from anyone going through a simlar situation. Thanks for listening!

 

"Kay"

[Shinobie]

Wow thats horrible kay have u kept looking for a good man and going on dates cause man thats such a long time to wait for anything like that i could not last that long ur a really strong person just think that.That takes a lot of courage to go through life like that and i hope that makes u feel better.Sorry im only 17 so i cant really connect wit ur story except for that for ive never had agf but thats no big deal at my age.Chin up and just keep looking i hope ur able to find that "special someone"

[fantasia2004]

I will say this and this is the theory that I will go by or philosophy I should say I used to apply to myself and others.

 

 

 

"In time you will find the right one do not go looking for them they will find you."

[Free Lancer]

Now I've never heard of anything like this before, This may be saying alot considering I'm only 17 but still.

 

When I think of this I think of the Superheroes, they could never have Boyfriends or girlfriends. Think Superman... YES there was Lois but they could never be together... OR how about Spiderman it took AGES for him and the girl to get together.

 

I don't know your situation, but maybe you're to busy 'Saving the world' to have a boyfriend. Don't worry he'll come along and MEANWHILE just have fun with your friends. They're better than any boyfriend in my opinion... Give someone a hug tomorrow it'll make you feel better

[Double J]

I agree with fantasia. Kay, you seem like a very classy woman with high morals. Don't get bogged down - just have faith and it will come. Like Aragorn said in Lord of the Rings, "there is always hope." I don't have a g/f now myself, but I've really learned to love myself and put myself first before wanting a partner. And when you're able to do that, ironically, that's when the partner comes to you. But telling from the way you write, you seem like that type of person yourself, so I'm sure the right man is headed your way soon.

 

- Jeff

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

I think the problem is that you're not looking in the right places. You seem like an intelligent, kind person from your post & depending on where you live, your friend group, etc. it may be hard for you to meet people. I'd suggest just being open & joining new clubs in your neighborhood to meet people. I don't know if you went to university but attending alumni events might be a good place to meet intelligent, accomplished men if that's the type you're looking for.

 

Also, why not internet dating? I've heard lots of success stories, and although you may not meet your soulmate, you may get a fun date out of it.

 

Good luck & don't get too down. I felt the same way as you, and the right guy came along right when I wasn't looking.

 

Take care..

 

sparrow

[parisian_pink]

Dear Kay,

 

Believe it or not, you are not alone. Being lonely is being lonely, regardless of whether or not there were lovers in your past. So, rather than clinging to the fact that you have never had a romantic relationship, just think of your situation as not a unique one; you are single and looking for companionship, which is VERY SIMILAR to many women of all ages. I think the problem with the way that you are looking at your situation is that you are almost allowing the fact that you have never had a lover to define you. You are not "the woman who has never had a lover." That is not WHO you are. You are everything else first.

 

Secondly, you must realize that AS a woman, a human, with needs for companionship, it is ok to admit that you want to ask for help once in a while. I know several friends who have had GREAT results from link removed and link removed. I do not know anyone personally who has used link removed, but I hear it is a nice safe dating experience. THERE IS NO SHAME IN ACTIVELY SEEKING LOVE! I believe, though, that for the BEST results, you must be completely honest about who you are and what you are loking for; don't try to become what you think others may want. In situations such as this, honesty is the best policy, through and through! Remember, though, do not use the fact that you have never had a relationship as your opener, or even a way to describe yourself. It isn't WHO you are, and you can't let it OWN you. Think of it this way: would you find it appealing to hear a guy talk to you about all his past lovers and failed relationships when he meets you? Probably not. In the same respect, don't drag your past (or lact thereof) into the mix. Just talk about what your values, dreams, ambitions, and interests are. For example, is Kay a free spirit who enjoys Impressionist painters, gourmet cooking, and art exhibits? Do her values include flexible moral outlooks and acceptance of all lifestyles? Or does Kay enjoy attending church functions, antique shopping, and country music? Does she look for a mate with traditional values and a chivalrous attitude? Decide who Kay is, and then it will be obvious why men should fall for her!

 

It is also possible that you have simply settled into a routine and it is too hard for you to knock yourself out of your rut. Once you figure out what activities you might enjoy (have you always wanted to make pottery, for example?) go get info on personal-enrichment classes taught by your park district or at a local community college. Join a night class that meets once a week; I guarantee that at the very least, you will soon have an expanded social group, and that in and of itself can be a blessing. Who couldn't use more friends? Hint: a great way to meet sensitive guys is through classes like creative writing or art appreciation. Are religious values important to you? If you do not already belong to a church, synagogue, etc., join one! Many places of worship, especially in larger cities, offer services such as Catholic or Jewish singles' clubs, where you can meet safe, reliable singles.

 

I hope this has been helpful to you. My aunt recently married for the first time at 47, and she had only 2 boyfriends before that that any of us knew of. Life will surprise you; never give up!

[Mr. Good Man]

parisian_pink,

 

You took the words right out of my mouth. That was an excellent post.

 

Life has its own purpose and in time we all come to understand it. Sometimes it's not meant for us to get the things we want when we want it. Yet, when we truly need them they seem to come right on time.

[wlfpack81]

Sorry but that BS in my opinion Mr. Good Man. It's jsut an excuse to make for lonely people to have hope when in reality life isn't a movie, or always has happy endings on some may be alone forever who don't want to be. I don't know how you've done it Kay. I would've killed myself by your age. Of course at the rate I'm goingin 16yrs I'll be in your situation (only difference is being a man I like girls obviously)

[parisian_pink]

Kay and everyone,

 

All are entitled to their opinions, but I just want to say that certain people such as WolfPack81 are always talking about their suicide dates and so forth, and being that certain people on the suicide boards seem to be in love with the idea of killing themselves rather than taking proactive steps to improve their lives, I wouldn't take any pessimistic advice from creeps about how you should be so depressed.

 

I am not bashing people who are dealing wih problems such as thoughts of suicide. At one point in my life, I was in that place myself. However, I empathize with people who STRUGGLE with these thoughts, not relish them. People who are too chicken to pull themselves up by their bootlaces and make an honest effort to find the best life has to offer have no room to mope. I can't stand people who sit around hoping that their lives are miserable just so they can feel sorry for themselves and listen to bad goth music while idealizing and supporting tragedies like suicides. These people will never even commit suicide anyway; they are just looking for attention, and they are too in love with the idea of being dark and brooding and too in love with PLANNING their own deaths to actually leave all their delightful morbidity behind.

 

Anyway, the point is, don't listen to nay-sayers and lunatics. You seem like a positive and optimistic woman who doesn't need to listen to anyone who tries to get her down. On top of it, you are lonely because you are shy, but he is alone because he wants to be, as his whole moody persona comes from his loneliness, and he drives people away with it. So, keep your chin up, believe in yourelf, and don't listen to idiots.

[Mr. Good Man]

wlfpack81,

 

Too bad you don't see the beauty in yourself and in the world that makes life worth living.

 

Actually, I'm glad you disagree with me. Nothing wrong with having a different opinion. Just remember the world is bigger than you think. The moment you accept that you just may see a different one.

 

One more thing. The life you live is the life you create each and every day. Think about that.

 

I do wish you success on your journey!