RaphAngel16 Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 We dated for seven months, were slowly merging our lives (meeting friends, family, spending quality time together, talking about potential future). She told me early on that she has always had trouble with her feelings developing and so we didn't rush the relationship. But her actions (intimate, attentive, enthusiastic) showed me that she had feelings for me. The two weeks prior to our break-up she started pulling away after spending time with my family and friends. I didn't press but at the end of November we had an argument over something silly and in the middle of it she said that she wanted to break-up because she wasn't feeling an emotional connection anymore. We argued for a bit and then talked about it when we were a little calmer and she said that she had feelings for me but they just didn't develop further. I said that maybe it was commitment fears getting in the way but she didn't think so. She said that this was tough for her and that maybe with time apart she would feel it. I told her that I wasn't holding on to any false hope and that I respected her decision, I cared for her a great deal and would miss her. I wished her well and then walked away. We haven't had any contact in the month since. I actually felt ok for the first few weeks. My life beyond dating has been going well and so I stayed positive. But the past few days I've begun to miss her terribly. And it's not just missing companionship. I really do love her and realize it more now than when we broke up. It made me think of her comment about maybe with time apart she would feel something. I'm worried that because I told her that I wasn't holding on to any hope and then just cut contact so quickly that she might be too scared/proud to initiate contact again if she's starting to come to the same realization that I am. Would continuing no contact be best in this case or should I just make some type of light contact to let her know that she's welcome to contact me? * As a side note, I don't need No Contact to heal. I'm ok. I miss her but I'm still living my life, enjoying time with my friends, and know that I have a good future ahead of me. Link to comment
sidehop Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 I think the way you described her sounds like she was already trying to find a way out or maybe she was too afraid to commit. I would keep the no contact in place and move on. Link to comment
RaphAngel16 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Share Posted December 31, 2010 Yeah, that's kind of what I thought. I've just never experienced a delayed reaction to a break-up like I havet this time. I was ok the first four weeks and then the last few days I started missing her pretty terribly. In past break-ups where I was the dumpee I felt bad right from the start and then improved. Link to comment
sidehop Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 She sounds like my ex from many years ago, emotionally disconnected, never knew what she wanted in life, had on/off relationships often and just one day lost all contact. I don't blame her though looking back, she had it rough growing up so that may had something to do with it. Link to comment
bananabread Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 RaphAngel, I can identify with the problem of "developing feelings". Throughout my teen years and twenties, I struggled with that issue. My recommendation is for you not to contact her; it will likely be a major turn-off to her. Her pride/fear will not stop her from reaching out if she wants to. Don't change your email address or cell number. She may be in touch. However, this also sounds like it could be a simple case of her just not being that into you. She said she "had feelings for me but they just didn't develop further. I said that maybe it was commitment fears getting in the way but she didn't think so." Please give this a lot of weight. We too often dismiss the true reasons given. I'm guilty of doing the same thing. Also, you and I are in the same boat. I am having a delayed mourning period. I was fine the first month but these last couple of weeks have been hard (since Christmas). Ugh. So this is what fuels love/break up songs Link to comment
nihongo Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 This is what fuels love/breakup songs ... Well said ha! Hmmm... A month of no contact? I would send a "happy new year" text and see the response. Or happy new year and if you need to talk, I'm here. Something quick and simple also showing you are there if she needs. Link to comment
RaphAngel16 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Share Posted December 31, 2010 My recommendation is for you not to contact her; it will likely be a major turn-off to her. Her pride/fear will not stop her from reaching out if she wants to. Don't change your email address or cell number. She may be in touch. Hmmm... A month of no contact? I would send a "happy new year" text and see the response. Or happy new year and if you need to talk, I'm here. Something quick and simple also showing you are there if she needs. You two just summed up the two opposing thoughts that are in my mind. I want to let her know that I'm there if she needs me but I'm afraid that I'll end up just getting mixed signals. She also may take it that I'm ok with being just friends. I'm not in a place where I can be just friends with her yet. Link to comment
nihongo Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Ya it's a tug of war on what to do. But you've gotten everyones opinion so now you'll have to decide what's best. You know her well so you know what's she more likely to respond to. Good luck and Go Bucks! I'm an Ohioan also. Link to comment
RaphAngel16 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Share Posted December 31, 2010 Thanks. You're right, it helps getting other points of view but in the end I just need to make a decision. I'll stick with no contact. I care about her but if I contact her and then we eventually get back together, I think I'll have in the back of my mind what if I didn't contact her ... would she have reached out? I sensed some hesitation on her part about letting go at the end of our conversation. So maybe she thinking it through. I don't want to get back with someone who is still hesitant. How did you get from Ohio to Tokyo? Work? Link to comment
bananabread Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Thanks. You're right, it helps getting other points of view but in the end I just need to make a decision. I'll stick with no contact. This is a safe bet. I can't explain why some of us suffer from this push/pull way of bringing someone close, only to push them away--but it's a real thing. Try to pull us closer when we're not ready and we'll only push away harder. Hope you can still have a happy new year raph (and you too nihongo). My ex is from Ohio--can't say I still love him but I still love the Buckeyes. Link to comment
nihongo Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 yes, i came to tokyo for work. i like living in different countries - lived in sweden, england and studied in france and mexico! good luck raphangel! keep us informed. and bananabread - go buckeyes - even though our starters will be missing from the game this week! Link to comment
RaphAngel16 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 You know, I'm doubting myself even more now. With time I've realized that I wasn't opening myself up enough in the relationship, I wasn't doing enough to help build an emotional connection. I think we both were holding back. In that case, is going full no contact really the best thing? It's been five weeks and I feel more upset about it with each passing day. I just don't know how to best initiate contact again or if I should. A quick email or text? I just don't know what to say. I'd like to open the door for her to open up and talk if she's missing me but I don't want to be too emotional or needy either (since I'm the dumpee here). Any advice? Link to comment
jaylostinva Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 oddly enough i am going through the same exact thing. I was progressing but the last couple days(after New Years) I have been down and out and everything else in my life has been great as well but this and this is really weighing me down. Now this is the second time that i am actually going through this with the same person. We were together in 09 and i fell hard and then she broke up with me...then six months later she started coming back around slowly and then at one point we were back together again. She broke up with me again before t-giving so yea its been over a month and i was doing ok but yea it sounds like you and i have dated a girl with similar personalities. Right now all i can do is NC because i tried to text her two weeks after we broke up and got a cold response and since then havent heard anything. Good luck with it and we should be alright! Link to comment
RaphAngel16 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 How did she start to come back around the first time? Did she break no contact first? Was it obvious that she wanted a second chance or was she just feeling you out at first? Just curious as I've never been on the receiving end of a second chance. Link to comment
jaylostinva Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 How did she start to come back around the first time? Did she break no contact first? Was it obvious that she wanted a second chance or was she just feeling you out at first? Just curious as I've never been on the receiving end of a second chance. Ok oddly enough we work together(but not in the same floor but building) We didnt talk for 6 months and we would see each other and i wouldnt say a word to her. She started complaining to mutual friends that I could have been civil but I felt it was better for me to just not say anything at all. Well we went to a mutual friends b-day party at a bar that a lot of us frequent and she chased me down when i was walking to the bathroom. Oddly enough we were both intoxicated and then we out of the blue just started making out. She came home with me so it made that morning after very awkward but you can tell we missed each other. After that she would email me and send me random text messages. I built up a wall at first and really didnt think a lot about it and then she again came home with me after going out with friends. She was dating her BF before me again and then i gave her the choice me or him and she chose me.....but she loosely used the words "hang out" with me instead of saying youd be my bf again. Not sure if she was feeling me out or if she wanted a second chance but this girl would call me at 2 am telling me that she "loves me" and then the next day act like she didnt do that...(stupid head games) But honestly it ended this time similarly to the first time and yes although i am heartbroken because i am madly in love with her i am trying to get out of this addiction so i can move on with my life Link to comment
bananabread Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 You know, I'm doubting myself even more now. With time I've realized that I wasn't opening myself up enough in the relationship, I wasn't doing enough to help build an emotional connection. I think we both were holding back. In that case, is going full no contact really the best thing? It's been five weeks and I feel more upset about it with each passing day. I just don't know how to best initiate contact again or if I should. A quick email or text? I just don't know what to say. I'd like to open the door for her to open up and talk if she's missing me but I don't want to be too emotional or needy either (since I'm the dumpee here). Any advice? I stand by what I said that if she's interested, she WILL contact you. You initiating makes you look needy, desperate, and weak. Not trying to be cruel, just trying to tell you how it looks from the outside. Even in this post when you write "I've realized that I wasn't opening myself up enough in the relationship, I wasn't doing enough to help build an emotional connection" it sounds like you trying to rationalize contacting her. If you decide to reach out, what would the email/text say? Something like "Just thinking of you. Happy New Year"? Or, "Hope you're well"? And when she texts back "Thanks. u too." What have you gained? Link to comment
kuteknish Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I agree with Bananabread... you gain nothing by contacting her. if she does reply, great.. but it means NOTHING. You'll want to write something again and it will elicit the same vague/pointless response...slowly moving down into quicksand.. Link to comment
RaphAngel16 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 OK. Points well taken. Good timing because I was going to call her tonight. I'm really not liking how I felt so good for weeks and weeks and now within a few days the loss is hitting me. Maybe the same will happen to her? What commonly occurs for the dumper? Do they feel relief and then loss later when there is no contact? Anyway, I'll update if anything changes. Thanks for the response jaylostinva. I'm sorry that you're having to go through that again. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.