My ex moves far away soon

[veedubdriver]

Ok, well I have posted my story on here before. In brief: We mutually broke up in April after 3 years together. We both have dated other people, then I decide I want her back. Of course I did everything that I shouldn't have. The begging, crying, pleading, etc. So now I am ok with talking to her and seeing her. It no longer screws with my emotions, at least no where near like it did before. But here's what I am up against now.

 

On July 30th my ex is moving to Florida, we live in N. Carolina now. She says she needs to do her own thing right now. She planned on moving at the end of August, but had to sign a lease for the beginning of August to secure the apartment. Yestarday, her best friend, whom I work with, called me and told me that my ex and I need to get together before she leaves. Just for us to hang out. So I emailed her. This is my email:

 

How are you? My main purpose to this email is to let you know that I want to spend some time with you before you leave. I hope that you feel the same. I'm not talking about everyday, but maybe a few times. I would like to take you out to dinner, on me of course, sometime before you leave. I assume you will not be working the days next week leading up to you departure. I would like you to tell me a date so that I can request off from work that we can spend all day together. Just as friends of course, I can help you pack, and we can hang out, and then hit up a dinner together. If you do not want to I will understand, but I would like to spend some quality one on one time with you before you leave. No B.S. about us unless you were to bring it up, but just friendship. I do not want to go out late night with a lot of people to celebrate your leaving, I just want to hang out, just us two, at least one more good time. So give me a call please.

I Love You.

 

Today she responded with this:

 

Hey! Yes I would be happy to spend some time with you before I leave. I don't have a whole lot of time with all the s**t I have going on but I will make time. I would hate myself if I left without seeing you. No matter how you may think I feel, leaving you is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am leaving everything I know here and it is not going to be easy but I feel good about it. You are more than welcome to help me pack too. I am very overwhelmed by all the things I have to do. My parents are in town today so I may not get a chance to talk to you until later tonight or tomorrow. I am off tomorrow but I have a lot to do so we can work something out if you can promise no B.S. This whole move is a very emotional situation for me so I need you to be supportive and not on my ass. We will never live with ourselves if I leave with the two of us on bad terms. I will call you later

I love you too.

 

She called me on her way to work this afternoon. We had a very pleasent conversation. She seemed to be looking forward to seeing me soon, since we have not seen one another in about 3 weeks. It is going to hard for me not to get emotional around her, because as you can imagine I am a little upset she is leaving. I do feel that we have a future together and she has not ruled it out either. I am holding on to her a little, but I am not allowing it to cloud my vision.

 

I guess what I am getting at is how exactly to take this email she sent me. Just fishing for some thoughts from anyone out there. It may help if you read a few of my other posts to get a better idea of how things are, or aren't with us.

[mercurydreams]

By the email alone, I would take it as, she cares about you a lot, your a good friend still and she just doesn't need all the bad relationship stuff right now.

 

But by what the best friend said, she may feel more for you then her email lets on. She still has feelings for you. She said it is the hardest thing she has had to do. You don't say something like that unless you have some feelings for the other person.

 

Just be there for her. As she said moves are stressful and emotional and overwelming. If she wants more to happen, I am sure she will make it clear.

[spun25]

of course i'm the first one to reply to your post...

dude, i think you may be trying to really look into her email too much. she pretty much stated that she'd love to hang out with you cause she does care about you. but she doesn't want any "relationship BS". so that should be a dead ringer that she doesn't want to get back together or anything. all you have to do is be her friend right now if you can.

you know the position that i'm in right now, and how i can't see my exgf since i still have feelings for her. but if she was moving and i wouldn't see her for a long time, i would definitely spend time with her before she left. cause if i didn't, i would hate myself for it. i know that your emotions may want to come out when you two hang out and you help her pack and stuff. but you can't let that happen. that's the 'BS' that she was talking about. she just wants you there as a friend to say goodbye to. you never know what'll happen in the future, you two may get back together, you may not. but what you do and how you act right now will influence what happens in the future.

so hang out with her, make this day with you a really happy memory. so when she moves to Florida, she remembers the night you spent together before she left as a memory of her time in North Carolina.

she WILL miss you. she said it herself. she said that leaving you would be the hardest thing to do. so make this day count and be the best friend you can be to her. nothing more, nothing less.

 

hope that helped. you'll get through this man. so far, you're my best friend on these forums. and you've helped me through a lot of crap. just remember that she won't forget you....ever.

 

-Spun25

[spun25]

well i guess Mercury beat me to it...

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Bro I'm in a very similar situation. She's moving away in a couple of months to be closer to her bf (was her ex). But the funny thing is, she would rather risk the CHANCE of spending time with me over spending a week with her bf, or risk the CHANCE of spending the 4th with me over spending the entire weekend with him. And I just can't understand how she would go to live with someone who she doesn't really care for that much, and who she doesn't really care for.

 

Are you planing on talking to her when she is in Florida? Personally, I'm going to cut all ties. I'm going to hope she will either be happy together or it will get really rocky, really fast. Because the last thing she needs is to waste any more years on a bad relationship. But back to you your situation. I would let my ex call me if she wanted to after she leaves. But I'm not going to call her. So I would never ask her to call me. But I wouldn't turn her away. I'm not going to spend any of the last days with her. Maybe take her to a nice restaurant and say my goodbyes. But the most important part is if you are going to make this a final goodbye that you leave on a good note.

 

I'm going to tell her I'll always love her, tell her that when she thinks about me 10 years from now to forget the bad person I was and to remember that I'll always love her. And I'll say goodbye never ever to see her again.

 

If something ever changes she MIGHT contact me, but I'm not going to wait any longer. If she's going to chase a first-love, last-chance, lot-o-history guy with commitment issues, who CLEARLY won't ever love her like I do then there's nothing I can do about it. Sometimes girls can get stuck in a bad relationship and be so afraid of rejection that they would rather change who they are, live in denial, and repress their subconscious desires so much just to make it work.

 

And about the email. I don't like the sound of "it feels right." But know this: my ex said the same thing, and one month later she had a big fight with her ex and said her feelings may change in the future for me. Months later she was calling me and leaving blank messages on my cell, wanting me to fight for her. But to strike back at my NC and to see if I would end up fighting for her she decided to tell me she was moving to be closer to him ("I might stay," she would say to get me to fight for her). So it just goes to show you that sometimes everything can be in your favor but if the girl is stuck on something stupid.

 

Good luck though.

[veedubdriver]

There is no doubt she still has feelings for me in my mind, however they are not near what they used to be. I am going to be the best friend I can, because she has told me it is going to be VERY stressful and emotional and overwhelming for her as it will be for me. Not only is it hard that she is moving away from me, but she is also moving away from her family, they live in N.C. as well. She is the youngest of 3 daughters, the baby, and the only one to ever move away from them. She did it when she came to college in Charlotte 5 years ago, but then she was only 1 1/2 hours from her folks. Now she is going close to 12 hours away. At least she is moving with one of her girl friends, although she can be a bad influence, it is better than going alone. Also she has been honest with me from day 1, and even though people say that she may be "stringing" me along when she says "I may feel different tommarrow about us" and so on, for some reason I still think she may be holding on as well. I am NOT holding on near as tightly as I have been over the past few months. I am able to move on, and I sorf of have. But there will always be the feelings for her. Things may take a turn for the better, but I am certainly not waiting around.

 

Spun...I know that she doesn't want to get back together right now, or maybe ever. I have come to realize that. And I am going to be the best friend that I can, she still calls me the best male friend she has ever had. I am going to spend as much time wiith her as I can, and she said in the email that she would make time for me. I see that as a good thing. Not as a good sign we may get back together, but as a good sign that we will grow with our relationship as friends. It is going to be aweful tough for me to hold back my emotions, as I am sure it will be for her. Packing the pictures she still has displayed of me in her current apartment will be especially tough. But I am going to do everything in my power to stand strong. If she breaks down though, I do not know how strong I will be able to be. Nothing has ever hurt me more with her than to see her hurting. We have been through alot together, I cannot even begin to explain, but with her families troubles especially, unfortunately her biological father left them when she was 6. Her mother dipped out on her stepdad 8 months ago, but thank God she came back...kind of a wake up call. That is just to name a few. Luckily I have until next Friday, the 30th @ 9 pm, thats when she is leaving. That will be the official goodbye for now, but certainly not for ever. And spun25, you are by far one of my best friends these days, and not just on these forums, and if you think I've helped you...I haven't even begun yet. You have guided me through a ton. ANd I thank you.

 

The_tiger_striped_cat....Yes I am planning on talking to her when she moves. She has already invited me down as soon as she gets settled in and I can take some time off, in the next month or 2. I thought about cutting all ties, but I could NEVER. You see, I LOVE her, with all my heart. I do not know your situation completely, but cutting all ties is not the right thing to do. Not if you ever think you may want her back. You say "I am not going to wait any longer", and you should have said that months ago. I am not waiting any longer. I was in a very serious relationship for over 3 years, that may not be that long, but it was SERIOUS. It did take me a while to come to that, but like the great spun25 once told me "It Is All About You". Probably the best advice I have ever received. Do what makes you happy, and I feel that you just throwing in the towel is not what you want to do. I do not recommend just giving up. But do not wait either. If the day comes, then it is your decision not hers. Remember that, you have probably stated how you feel to her, and she thinks it is her decision of when or if she will ever take you back. But in all honesty, it is now if YOU will take her back. Don't just "Cut all ties", that's silly, be a friend, and if it leads to something more again, then great, but if it doesn't then you will still be a friend and that's good too. I am starting to sound like spun25.

 

By the way, She invited me over on Thursday to hang out for a while before I go to work. And we made plans for next Tuesday to hang out all day. So I will be good and not bring up the B.S., unless she starts the conversation, which she won't. I am confident things will go well.

[veedubdriver]

Just going to update ya'll on what went on today. She called me this mornig and wanted me to come over for a while. We went out to luch and then back to her house. We hung out for a while and then she wanted to give one of her dogs a hair cut. We brought both of her dogs back to my house and shaved her Black Lab, which was quite difficult. Then we gave him a bath outside with the hose. While we were rinsing off the shampoo she decided to squirt me with the water hose. Hmmm, could she flirting a little? Of cours once I got control of the water I returned the favor. Well we dried him off and then just hung out for about another hour or so. I have to go to work soon so she headed home. She gave me a quiick hug and said she had a lot of fun today with me. I responded the same. We made plans to hang out again this weekend. I did not bring up anything about us, and neither did she. However, I have been wanting to shave my head for the summer, and I mentioned it. She said "absolutly not". She never would let me shave it when we were together. All this flirting was probably nothing but, one never knows. As far as my hair goes, I'll still probably do it. Going on vacation in 2 weeks with a bunch of my buddies to my beach house. I am sure it will be a drunken weekend, and god knows what I will do. Anyway, things went great today, and she seemed to be overwhelmed with emotion. I am just going to take it one day at a time.

 

Oh yeah I forgot, she was questioning who I was seeing now. And assumed it was a grl I work with. Which it is not, but she sure was all up in my personnal life. Of coure I denied seeing the girl at work, whom she believed was who I was seeing. But I didn't lead on to who I am really starting to date now. She'll find out sooner or later.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Don't just "Cut all ties", that's silly, be a friend, and if it leads to something more again, then great, but if it doesn't then you will still be a friend and that's good too. I am starting to sound like spun25.

 

First of all her ex is in the picture so our situations are different but...

 

I'm sorry you're wrong. You have a deluded sense of the word friendship. Call it a friend if you want, but it certainly isn't the proper sense of the word "friend". Friends don't hope for romantic relationships. Either you're her friend or your a guy who wants to get back with her someday. But these are mutually exclusive--you can't be both. A part of you will always be by her side for a reason other than friendship. And that's definitly not a friend in the truest sense of the word.

 

I know what you're saying though, "I love her so much that I want to keep her in my life, and if that's as a friend then so be it." I thought that once too. But you're in the early stage of the breakup. When you've been apart as long as I have you'll begin to think like I do. I think you're confusing your desire with love. Maybe, maybe not. But I know one thing: I love my ex so much that her happiness is all that matters. If she want's me to be her friend in spite of my pain then so be it, I'll do that for her. But I'm not going to be her "friend" just for some silly chance to get back with her one day. I'm going to love her enough to let her go--and that is the hardest thing you can do for love. You'll see that one day. But if you're lucky, hopefully not.

[veedubdriver]

The_tiger...I think you may have misunderstood me, or I expressed myself the wrong way. My ex has seen someone new Luckily she is not in love with him. ANd moving away from him. And he has no bearing on any of her decisions, as I do. So maybe I am not in the same shoes as you, but we are similar. I know my ex still wants me in her life, if just as a friend, or maybe more, I do not know. I do know that she wants me around. If it is just as a friend then fine. I am ok with that. I do not know your story, but we have be broken up for 4 moths now. And since the day we broke upwe vowed to always be friends at least. We never told one another that we would never get back together, just that right now was not the time. She wanted to get back together before I did, and I didn't realize it and blew her off. Then I wanted her back and she blew me off. We are on a completely different time scale here.

 

If you think I have a diluded sense of the word friendship you are way out of line. My ex and I were very good friends, way before we were lovers. Maybe there was a little sexual tension before we fell in love but ultimatly we were friends. That is what I look back to. And that is what will keep us going. Do I want her back...absolulty, but not now. I want to live my life without the stress and worries that come with a serious relationship, and so does she. Neither of us is looking for a new relationship. We are just exploring. We may never get back together, but as long as we are both happy, then that IS all that matters.

 

You say "I'm going to love her enough to let her go--and that is the hardest thing you can do for love. ", I am doing that, she is moving 14 hours away from me. I am letting her go. I am not going to be able to see her very often. I am not going to talk to her very often. But I am going to be a mature adult and not let some past relationship stand in front of our friendship. So DO NOT tell me I do not know what friendship is, because I do, and something that happened in the past is not a reason to destroy that. And I am not confusing desire with love, I do love her. And she loves me. This is a forum, for support not busting someone's balls, so if you can not grow up then just stay away. I feel that you are being very immature, so set your desires aside, and see if you really have love for your ex. I have no question that I have love for mine. If you want to just quit with your ex then fine, just quit...all I can say is that will not, because I do love her, and I must have her in my life, even if just a friend. Take what I said how you want.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

You're right maybe we are in different situations. But...

 

Your past friendship is irrelevant as is your agreement and current dedication. An ultimate deep, passionate romantic love is incompatible with true friendship.

 

A friend is someone you have a certain emotional attachment to. I have lots of female friends who are great friends. I don't have romantic love for them though. I have deep unwavering romantic love for my ex. I recognize the fact that a big part of me loves her so much that I want to be with her every second of the day for the rest of my life. This desire is spectacular. In fact, it's been a whole year and it's still this bad. I could be "friends" with her. I mean she is so unbelievably important to me. And although I may call it "friends", I would know that independent of me caring for her deeply, I want something of her, namely a romantic relationship. Like I said, for me this desire is spectacular. But you shouldn't desire something from a friend, you are their friend for friendship's sake. The stronger this desire, the less of a true friend you really are. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that getting back with her is all that matters with you. I'm sure she's a very important person and you're a good guy I'm sure. But I am saying that either you love her like crazy (want to spend your entire life with her and anything less than that kills you) OR you really don't love her romantically to that degree and can actually endure friendship. When this "friendship" with her actually hurts you then I'll believe that you really love her romantically to that degree.

 

You can call it "friendship" if you want. But even you have to admit that there is SOMETHING different between the guy and girl who just want to be friends, and the guy and girl who are friends and one has the desire to get back together. Don't get me wrong. You can be friends with an ex. But you need a long time (usually years) before the old feelings die away.

 

You feel I'm being immature because I'm attacking what you believe. It's totally natural, and I understand. But I think we can both be mature enough to put our emotions aside and talk about this important issue. Because MANY people on here believe that you CAN'T be friends with an ex. If you do become friends then you don't really love her romantically all that much, or your in the friendship for some other reason and are not truly friends.

 

Good luck though!

[veedubdriver]

Well, I guess I may have lashed out at you a little bit. But like we have said, we are in different situations and have different feelings. I can without a doubt though say I can be very good friends with her though. Even if I do have that underlying desire to be with her. People get to the point of being just friends with the ex at all different times. The time it takes is not a measure of how much you love them romantically by any means. Just as you do, I would love more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but unfortunately that is not an option for us right now. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and honestly I do not know if I do with her...right now. I do know that I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. And for now, I just want to be friends. There is no other option for me. I am not going to be a d**k to her because I am not going to just let her go. I feel that there is a future for us and for some crazy reason I feel she does too. Right now however is not the time. It does kill me on certain days to not be with her, but on others it does not. However That does not mean I do not love her and am not capable of being in love with her again. Hell, I don't even know if I ever fell out of love with her.

 

I think you can love someone romantically with all your heart, and still be real friends. Friendship is what relationships are built on, not attractions. If your lover is not your friend then they are just a piece of ass. But I have no doubt that I can just be a friend, and if things do not work out, then I will still be a friend.

If you do become friends then you don't really love her romantically all that much, or your in the friendship for some other reason and are not truly friends.

I hope this is not how you feel. A true frind can set aside their emotions toward another and just be a friend. I believe if you care enough for someone and they ask you to just be a friend for now, then you should do that. I am doing my best at it and doing quite well. We may end up agreeing to disagree on this subject but you have had some intresing points and I have taken those into consideration.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I think we have different definitions of the word "friend." My definition EXCLUDES any romantic feelings whatsoever. Maybe I'm wrong. But I think that's how the world views friendship. When people say, "Oh no, he's JUST a friend." I know that that person believes that there are no romantic feelings. Once you have romantic feelings, you're beyond the "friendship" stage. Maybe you wont make it to "lover" stage, but you're beyond friendship. And the only way getting back to friendship proper is if you dont have those feeligns anymore.

 

For this same reason I don't believe pepople know what they're talking about when they say, "My bf is my best friend." By that they mean they can share anything with them. They can confide and have fun with them like they would a best friend AND be lovers. But they are simply not, "Best friends." They are more than "Best friends." It's not like you take friendship and add something to it. You become more than JUST friends. That's why we have the phrases "just friends" and "more than friends" I don't go around saying, my ex was my friend and my lover. (Yeah I guess some do, but I think they're just as confused.)

 

I mean you're probably doing the right thing. If my ex didn't go back to her ex I might do the same as you. Although, personally, after enought time I would probably let her go too--the pain woudl be too great.

 

You're doing fine I'm sure. But all I'm saying is be honest with yourself. You want her back REALLY REALLY BAD, because you love her romantically SO MUCH. And if I'm wrong, then how much do you want her back? Just a little bit? Because if that were the case it sure doesn't sound like you love her romantically all that much.

 

So you can be "friends" and want her back REALLY REALLY BAD.

 

And all I'm saying is reread that sentence again. It seems a little contradictory if you think of friendship in the traditional manner.

 

good luck