Problem with my girlfriend depression, please help

[_Ramirez_]

I've been reading this forum for some time and I think it is the right place to post this. I'm hoping to find some advice to a problem I'm having those days.

Some background:

My girlfriend has been diagnosed with depression 2 months ago. She went to see a psychotherapist at my demand. It wasn't easy for her to go there because she wasn't accepting she had a problem but I convinced her that she needed some professional help because she obviously had a problem (insomnia, tired all the time, stomach problems, panic attacks, not able to take any kind of stress, short temper, no patience, etc.). That in itself is not the problem. It was bound to happen since she had a lot of trials in her life and it had to come out one way or another.

 

She have a father that never talked to her (meaning no communication) and that never showed any feelings toward her. She have a huge hole in the father/daughter department and that put her in the arm of a very manipulative/abusive man when she was really young and he controlled her so well that she lost any confidence and self esteem she could have. He cheated on her, he put her down any chance he got, he verbally/mentally abused her and in the end he was beating her. That's what made her quit him after a 5 year relationship. When I met her she had just separated from him but he was chasing after her and she was ready to go back to him. She was a wreck so to speak and had suicidal tendencies, she had a lot of issues. I took her in my life and became the wall she needed against her ex to recover. It took a lot of time to get him out of her life (almost 2 years), we went to court to have a restraining order, etc. but we succeed at finally having a peaceful life together. Those challenging times together just made us stronger and made me see I had found my one. Seeing at her worst made me realise what she could be at her best. She got back on her feet, found a better work, went back to university part time to become an accountant, everything was bright and our future was looking shinny. 1 year after all the problem where gone we decided to have a child and she got pregnant. That's where things started going downhill for her. It seems that once she come out of her survival/adrenaline mode of functioning her system crashed down et she burned out.

 

She was diagnosed with depression 2 months ago but this thing have been going on for at least 2 years, just after the birth of our daughter (who's now 2 years old), it just got worse (and out of hands) in the last 6 months. So now she's not working for at least 2 more months and then she will go back to work gradually. She's home and under light medication. She takes one antidepressant and one sleeping pill to cure her insomnia. So far so good, she's on the road of recovery.

 

The problem I see arising is that she's lost all the self esteem and self confidence she got back after leaving her past behind her. The fact that she accepted her burn out made her assess all the problems she have inside and felt overwhelmed to see that there were so many of them. She never stopped to think about herself in the past and now that she does she's breaking down. I tried my best to take off all the responsibilities of a stressful life off her shoulders and I manage almost every aspect of our everyday life. I take care of our daughter when I come back home, I do most of the house chores, I plan for our future, I take care of the house, the bills and anything that might come our way. It seems to me though that the more I protect her, the deeper she go in depression, the less she want to face the outside world. She's lost all her fighting spirit, she have no more friends and don't want to see anyone (this I understand and accept without problem) but the fact is that she seems to enjoy he new life. No work, no stress, no worries. She's slowly withdrawing from the real world. I think she going back in the state where her ex put her and become totally dependant on me. She can't seem to make the smallest decision, she call me 10 times a day, page me if I don't answer my phone, call my cell if I don't call her back after 3 minutes. Sometimes she ask me 3 times the same thing just to be sure I'm sure. She's now afraid to drive so I do all the driving and she can't seem to go anywhere by herself. She's afraid when I take the car alone too since an accident could happen to me. She's also becoming really jealous and even if she try not to show it too much she can't stand the idea that there are other women (normal ones like she say) in the real world and that I might let her go for one of them. She also gained a lot of weight lately and can't stand to look at herself in a mirror so she ask herself how I can love her if she don't love herself. She's working hard on herself (it seems) but just go deeper in her depression and she just can't seem to translate her thinking into actions..

 

Here comes my problem: I now think I shouldn't protect her that much. The more I protect her from the world the less she want to go back in it. Should I give her the time she need and continue to give her a shelter without stress? Or should I let the stress come in a little bit and start being a little rougher with her and tell her to make her everyday life decision alone (in a good patient and calm way) I know this will take time but I don't want to see her self indugeding in this situation. She's taking back her old habit of having everything decided for her and I don't want that to happen. I'm the rough type of guy, I'm really sensitive but really hard on myself. I have a real self confidence and want to go forward not backward. I faced burn out once but got out of it alone by changing the way I was thinking without taking any kind of medication. I know what I would do in her case but she's not me and I can't push her like I would push myself. The way I deal with things is not a good way for her to deal with things.

 

I try my best to reassure her, to tell her how much I love her and how important she is to me. I try my best to make her see an happy ending to this depression story. I try to make her work on herself to understand why she's like that. I almost never lose temper, I'm very patient, I don't blame her for anything. I'm not near enough being tired of the situation as we endured so much more together that this is almost trivial. I just want her to feel better and want to do the right thing for her.

 

I don't want to talk to her about this or to anyone she knows that might tell her, that will only scare her. Please tell me what you all think about this.

[mercurydreams]

I have the same problem. I have depression and it makes me not want to do anything or go anywhere. I have been through this many times already. Recently it has been worse.

 

First off, I am not sure her meds are working. Or she might need to add and anxiety med, since a lot of derpression meds cause anxiety.

 

The best thing for depression is:

 

a constant sleep schedule. Not too much not too little, and the same times daily.

 

a good support system. She seems to have that in you. Just someone to talk to and who cares to listen. Who she will let see her at her worst.

 

the right meds. I have been through close to a hundred meds and thousand side effects, before I found the right one. She needs a good dr who will lister to her when she doesn't think things are working and is willing to listen to her sugustions for a different med. Know your facts. There is a lot of meds out there, that may be better. Know what the drs don't tell you as far as side effects.

 

And then the most important thing when it comes to depression, is getting back to your life. Often depression leads to reliance on others and fear of, or lack of intrest in what seems common tasks. Start small. Say honey can you help me out and do this. Something small that she has stopped, it may seem like a common, easy to do thing to you, but to her it might be the hardest thing in the world.

 

 

Help her to get out more. I know she won't want to. Doesn't feel like hanging out with friends. Either you don't want them to see you that way, or you just don't want to see anyone. Start small, have a few friends over for dinner.

 

As she had an abusive past, that may well be the root her depression stems from. Until she deals with her feeling on these issues she won't be able to perminantly shake the depression. I recomend that she get therapy. Just talk out her feelings. This would also help her self confidence and esteem.

 

Hang in there and offer her as much love and support as you can. She will come through it.

[_Ramirez_]

Thanks for your reply mercurydreams.

 

You are right about the medication, maybe what she's taking is not helping her at all. Sadly my knowledge on antidepressant pills is inexistant but we do trust the doctor we have, she's really good and reliable.

 

I'm not sure if my girlfriend is ready to go back in life, but if I do things gradually I guess I could take her out of her lethargie. I think I will let her make a decision by herself on a lot of small thing while keeping her away from the real stress.

 

I will definitly take her out more often, I overlooked the importance of that I'm afraid. Staying inside the house all day long is not good for the morale. She have a tendancie to stay in the dark during the day those days. I take her out once a week for a movie/diner get together but thats as much contact with the real world she want to have and I respected that. I work full time and with the kid to take care of there are some things I tend to forget.