No contact help....

[Jake212]

Hey,

Hope its ok to talk about a breakup between my boyfriend and me; it's a gay relationship. It just seemed like whether guy/guy, girl/girl or guy/girl the sting is just as bad.

[Duderanomi]

It's ok to talk about same sex relationships, go ahead and explain your problem, I'm convinced many people can help you.

[kekep]

love is love, it doesn't really matter whether it's not a "typical" relationship. it hurts all the same and you should be able to express your feelings about it.

[Jake212]

Thanks for the support.

The realationship was for 10 months, and he is the one who dumped me.

He ended abruptly, that morning he said he loved me, cared about me then that evening we got into an argument about some friend and he said its over, done, absoulutly no chance of working things out. He said he still loves me and cares for me but not in a relationship. He said he felt this way for about a month before dumping me but wasnt sure. He says he wants to be friends but we've tried that and although he seems to be totally over it I cant see myself without him in my life. A month has gone by and I cant get over these feeling of anger and resentment. These feeling come from the fact I've seen my ex at local nightclubs and he has defenantly moved on, to the point of being a drunk and flurtatious as hell with anyone who walks by him. He knows I there yet he dosent care.

All I do is get angry and he has even accused me of being volitale.

Help

[kekep]

ok, it sounds like things ended really abruptly, leaving you distraught and confused. this is how i'm feeling right now, my ex dumped me 3 days ago and it totally blew me away. but the fact that a month has gone by, and you are still angry about this shows that you haven't spent enough time out with your own friends or thinking about why the relationship didn't work. it seems to me like you are so focused on how you can get back to where you were, you're willing to make yourself miserable. the smart thing to do is stop going to where he's gonna be; let him wonder where you've been and what you've been up to. allow him to miss you! he will, don't worry. but if you are around all these places he is, he's going to see how unhappy he's made you, and that will make him the "victorious" one. obviously, he has some of his own issues if he's getting drunk and hanging all over guys in front of you. that in itself is an indication that he's just trying to get back at you and make you jealous, because someone who truly cared about you would not behave so immaturely.

 

at this point, i think you should try and find other fulfilling aspects of your life. engross yourself in work, take a trip somewhere with friends, talk to other guys, become confident again. if you are a confident person when you finally contact your ex, they will remember why they fell in love with you in the first place. but sitting around getting angry and mopey, and letting your ex see the state you're in, is like putting a big booger or pimple on your face. it only makes you unattractive and unappealing to them.

[Jake212]

Thats a great analogy. Since the break-up I've started excercising again, hanging out with friends on the week ends and actually made a new friend and we have become very close on the emotional side.

Your right about staying away from him. I thought that if we were in a crowded room among people it would prove to him that I wasnt letting him get to me. Wrong...he does get to me. He has totally gone out of control, this person is not the person I remember or fell in love with. I dont like him like this and feel totally guilty for feeling that way.

[kekep]

That's great that you've started filling your life with activities, and becoming close with another person. It is sad that your ex has become a different person to you, but maybe this means that by the time you are ready to talk to him, you won't even be interested in the new "him" anymore. Perhaps you will still be interested though, who knows? It is all a matter of time and gaining perspective on the person YOU ARE, not the person you want them to be. You cannot live your life through another person. As painful as it sounds, you or that person may die tomorrow, but life would go on. The world is not going to fall apart if you and this person don't get back together. Okay, now I'm off my tangent. On a lighter note, if you do still want this person back later on, and are ready to take your chances and risk your heart, make sure you are truly prepared and not on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You want to seem calm, cool and collected. Also, I read somewhere that when and if your ex contacts you, you should try and make yourself not immediately available to them, to ensure that they see the time they're going to spend with you as precious and worthy of extra care. Still, don't make it a dramatic thing, just a positive moment to spend with the person you love or once loved.

[TrueHeart]

The most important thing you can ever learn Jake is that you have finally deciphered that you are in love with who he WAS not who he IS.. That very thing might help you get over the fact that he's moved and you haven't yet.

 

We cannot help NOT running into someone in a public place, but make sure that if you do ever see him, if he gets to you that badly, just walk out or find another place to be until it doesnt bother you to be around him any longer (may take a few weeks or so)

 

You deserve someone who will respect your feelings, ex-lover or not, or even as a friend. What kind of friend would go out of their way to purposely make you feel bad about yourself, especially after telling you he loved you..?? Not a very good one.

 

Its good you are meeting other people and new friends, especially ones that do not know him and are YOUR friends alone. Keep up the great work, you're doing just fine!!

[Jake212]

Well, I just found my ex in one of the gay chat rooms, his profile says: single looking for action. We got in a huge IM argument after I coaxed him to talk to me. I told him to "have a nice life, its apprent your better off without me". We that was mature and so much for no contact. I cant shake this anger toward him. I guess I can assume we wont be getting back together.

[kekep]

i know you are really pissed at him right now, but yelling at him and letting him see your anger is not going to score you any points. trust me, what it DOES do is make him see that you're obsessive and you can't live without him. NOT GOOD! your ex probably knows you are going to see that chat room notice, just like he knows you are going to see him hanging all over other guys. don't let him see how much he hurts you. it is not necessarily done for good with you two, but you definitely need to analyze why you care for someone so much who is obviously not afraid to make you jealous and hurt you in this way. keep your cool, i know you can. you are a strong person and deserve better than this.

[TrueHeart]

Well.. I really don't think that you need to even pursue this man any further. Its clear that he doesn't want to be with you, and has no problem hurting you.

 

You're better off without him.. You have every right to be upset because you're hurt.. but I say its high time to just tell him that its HIS loss not yours... You are better than this... and you know it...

[Jake212]

Thanks,

I have to admit you two are really helping out by giving me an outside perspective. What can I say "men, cant live with cant-cant live without them". LOL

[TrueHeart]

.. and it couldn't be more true...

[Jake212]

Need to get an option on this, my mind is still to cloudy to get a handle on things.

 

Three weeks after our break up I saw my ex at one of the local clubs, he was drunk off his @@@ and while on the dance floor grinding with anyone he could get his hands on knowing full well I was at the same club at the same time. Later I saw him outside and we started talking (we still socially chat on occasion) when out of no where he looks at me and says that last weekend he slept with 3 different people and has been learning so much about his sexuality and the things he is capable of doing.. I was stunned, but instead of taking the high road and walking away I told him I too had been with someone a day ago. Well, he starts screaming at me that he made the whole thing up and was trying to find out if I was fooling around and that it was over and we would never get back together. Now, here is the background. When he dumped me he told me that there was no way he would ever try to work things out, ever. In fact the day after the dumping he called me up and wanted to talk that night about reconciliation only to have me come over to his place and tell me he had not changed his mind we were finished, done, end of story. The next week I tried to talk to him, thinking we could work things out only for him to tell me that there was no way we would get back together that his feelings were finite. My question is this, if someone cares about you or loves you would they do something like this? Also, was this a lousy thing for him to do to me or was I wrong in saying what I said?

[kekep]

your ex sounds like he is as upset about the breakup as you are, but he is finding different ways to deal with it. first of all, by causing a scene inside the club he is trying to make you jealous. very immature. then outside, instead of him just asking if you were with someone else, he has to be sneaky about it and pretend like he is getting action to get a response out of you. at this point, whether or not you are hooking up with someone else is none of his business because YOU'RE NO LONGER DATING. by giving him what he wants: answers to his questions, going to his house to reconcile, you are showing that he has power over you and your emotions. take that power back, now! he will see in time that you are moving on and that will make YOU the one with the upperhand. then it will be time to establish contact and talk about your relationship in an objective sense. I am trying hard too; I know it's tough and I'm feeling every emotion at the same time. Anger, jealousy of others, embarrassment and sadness....it is a spectrum of feelings and it's awful. But everyday, things will get better, life will get easier, you'll be happy again. Don't let this person be your downfall-you're better than that!

[TrueHeart]

I say anyone ( and I mean anyone ) who says/does things to see your reaction in a deceptive manner is not a friend at all... That makes them a malicious, immature person. He set you up to believe that you were having a conversation where you could be open, when in fact, he was being a wolf in sheeps clothing.

 

No one who cares for you, or claims to love you--- would EVER do that..

[Jake212]

Hey guys,

some of you know i went with nc towards my ex-boyfriend Calib and its been well over a week going into two weeks. I just got an email from him wanting to know how Im doing and how my get away vacation went.

The last time we talked he told me I need to leave him alone because i was too upset to deal with him as just a friend, plus he say I've been getting 'volitie" when talking to him. Which trueheart and keeley know about. I was'nt getting volitile he was the one trying to push my buttons.

Question, i know I dont want to talk to him but is he trying to break the ice or is this some ploy to upset me again? I dont trust him and after the things he did after he dumped me I dont want him around me or speaking to me, is that harsh?

[RayKay]

I don't think it is harsh at all, no. I think you are going through the stages of loss, and that is normal.

 

 

He is probably not trying to upset you, but is probably just thinking about things and you, and touching base. Why, only he knows right now. If you are not ready, I would send a very polite reply back, and let him know you are really busy right now in your life and just leave it at that. No need to be harsh or rude about it, just let him know you are moving/moved on without actually coming out and saying that!

[Jake212]

This is an email from my ex:

"I heard you went home? are you back yet? have a good time? "

 

After I received this I did'nt reply but saw him out that night.

I didnt speak to him or even acknowledge him.

This is what I wrot tihis morning.

 

"hey,

you know from seeing me last night I did get back, sorry I didn't talk to

you ( I'm just not ready to deal with you on that level yet, and I apologize

if I was rude).

I did get back from Home sunday night, I was there for a couple days

and was in Chicago for a couple days looking for a job. I did have a real

good trip and made up for lost time with my family.

Thanks for asking.

take care"

 

and this is what I got back almost immediately from my ex:

 

"Well that's become apparent (not ready) either you're extremely talkative and persistent or non-communicative. I still hope some day (far future obviously) we can be friends.... Hope you had a good time last night... and I'm very glad you saw your family and caught up with them. TTYL"

 

Question: I've been told Im acting childish, and that I should get over it and become friends. He has changed so much since the break up to be honest I really dont want to be his friend. Am I acting wrong with this? and does his response sound catty?

[TrueHeart]

Well, my first impression says that he's getting a taste of his own medicine and doesn't like it. He was the one being childish by being so rude to you when you were trying to be friendly a while back..

 

I honestly think you're on the right track in thinking that you don't want to be his friend.. He's nothing but drama.. and if his definition of childish is how YOUR acting? I wouldn't want to be what HE defines of as an 'adult'--- don't you?

 

His message sounds catty and brass-- and he's meaning to be sarcastic and wants you to feel bad--- your first impression of it, was correct