Age Old Story...In love with a Married Man

[dazedandconfused62]

I know my story isn't unique...and I know I'll have to take some lashing from it but here goes...Last Sept. I visited a classmates website and sent hellos to several people I knew from highschool..One of them was an old boyfriend (not a serious one)..He replied and we caught up over the course of several emails. We continued to send jokes occasionally over the next few months..that was it. There was no flirting, or even a hint of such...just old classmates keeping in touch...Then in January I had a distrubing dream about him and it bothered me to the point where I emailed him to see if he was o.k..He replied and said he was flattered to know that someone actually cared enough to check in on him, etc. We then started emailing pretty regularly...He told me about his marriage, that he wasn't happy, didn't love her, but didn't hate her..had a son and that was the only reason he was staying,..yadda yadda yadda...Anyway, the emailing progressed to instant messaging, to phone calls and then finally in March we saw each other. He lives two states away in my home town and I went there to see him. We saw each other about three times while I was there. His wife found out about us emailing and calling..but she didn't know we actually saw each other...I returned home and she sent me an email telling me what an awful person he was, how he had lied to her their entire marriage, he drank a 12 pk of beer a day, and that he told her I meant nothing to him...I confronted him about this and he told me she was crazy, lying, etc and to ignore her...so I did...we continued our email, instant msg. phone calls, etc...I fell head over heels in love with this man. He was the sweetest, funniest, guy I had ever known, even more so than in high school...Long story short, we continued this relationship and I saw him again in June...After this I decided to tell him how I felt about him...BIG MISTAKE! He was freaked out by it and said he wasn't ready to leave, couldn't leave his son, but that "who knows, maybe someday, we might have the chance to give it a try" I was so hurt...He lead me to believe he wanted out of his marriage...encouraged our relationship and I feel like he lead me on...I know I should have known better and I was wrong but now I feel sooooo stupid! I wonder if he meant anything he ever said or was he just a player like his wife said...How could I have been so wrong about him...I'm 42 years old and should be able to avoid these types by now....Any and all comments are welcome....PLEASE ADVISE

[CherryGrl]

Dear Dazed,

Well, you may feel stupid, but after this experience you'll probably be a lot smarter in the future, huh?

 

Yeah, I would say that if this guy ever told you he was going to leave his wife for you, he was either outright lying to you or at the least he was just trying on the idea by voicing it out loud but never had any real intentions of leaving her.

 

Geez, if you haven't already then you need to cut off all contact with him! Think about what you've done in this situation. You don't say, but I imagine you are single. You have pursued a MARRIED MAN even to the extent of traveling to see him. From your story it sounds like you pursued him harder than he pursued you (tho this may not be the case.)

 

At any rate, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? This can only hurt you. Obviously, it already has. Don't ever get involved with a guy who is married or living with another woman again. Don't waste your time! There are single guys out there, you just need to focus on finding one.

 

Now that you've seen his reaction to your confessing your feelings, you must realize that he probably did tell his wife you meant nothing to him. (Maybe you didn't mean nothing, but you certainly didn't mean enough for him to leave his wife and child.) She is probably telling the truth -- as she sees it anyway.

 

Consider -- you KNOW he is a liar because of the huge lies he was telling his wife, so whose version of the story should you believe, his or hers?

[dazedandconfused62]

Thanks for the input and honesty! Finally, someone that will tell me like it is, not just what I want to hear. I am single, divorced...for 9 years...I think I was just so lonely that I made a stupid mistake and fell into that relationship. Oh, and no I didn't pursue him more, at least not at first. He really pushed the issue of talking on the phone, then seeing each other. He laid it on thick! It had been a very long time since I had been given that much attention...How pathetic of me, huh? Oh well, live and learn...

[kdreger]

Is it safe to assume that when you "saw each other" that there was sex involved? I think it's safe to say he was in it for the sex.

 

Honestly though, would you want to be with a man who would have affairs? Once a cheater always a cheater. You should always live your life from the point of view: would you like it done to you?

 

I would go so far as suggest an email to the wife. The guy is a pig.

[hurtabandoned]

We then started emailing pretty regularly...He told me about his marriage, that he wasn't happy, didn't love her, but didn't hate her..had a son and that was the only reason he was staying,..yadda yadda yadda...

 

Yadda yadda is right. My husband said the same lines to the woman who he was cheating with.(she wasn't aware he was married at first) How else is a married man going to convince someone to be with him. Of course he was going to say he was staying for the child. His whole story was a manipulation. There was a reason why he said what he did to you and it had nothing to do with loving you.

 

Just the fact that he was lying to his wife should have clued you in. If he's able to lie to her then why would you believe that he's being honest with you. If he was really that miserable he would have left.

 

In most cases the men NEVER intend on leaving their wives. My husband was hiding this from me. Why? He didn't want me to find out. Why did he not want me to find out? HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO LEAVE. My husband hid this because he didn't want our marraige to end.

 

When the wife told you about what he said I'm sure she was telling the truth. My husband didn't love the woman he was seeing, he conned her for the sex. When I told him that this was going to end or I was leaving he dropped her like a bad habit. He could have picked her but he didn't.

 

The types that you should be avoiding are the married ones. There are innocent people at home waiting for them. Reading this post my deter you from doing this again.

 

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[dazedandconfused62]

What disturbs me most is that he told me "not to give up on him", to hang in there, He felt closer to me than anyone, how much he wanted to be with me rather than her....UGH!!!!! How and why can someone be so calculating and cruel with other people's feelings? I know I was being selfish because I didn't think about his wife, but he lead me to believe that she neglected him and his son, and that he had to do EVERYTHING around the house, i.e., cooking, cleaning, etc...that all she did was sleep....I finally started telling him that I didn't want to hear his tattling on her if he wasn't going to do something about it...We would stop talking for a few days and then we'd start back up again....This has been the most emotionally draining experience I've ever had....I really fell for this guy, guess you had to be there, but he was very convincing!

[hurtabandoned]

How and why can someone be so calculating and cruel with other people's feelings?

 

The whole act of cheating on his wife was a cruel and calculating move. Alot of effort has to be put forth to carry out and cover up an affair. Pulling the wool over her eyes was the hardest part. It made lying to you pretty easy.

 

In your eyes he probably was convincing. I think that people believe what they want to see. I'm sure that his wife is not that bad of a person. It may even be the exact opposite. He could have said whatever he wanted to about her, she wasn't there to defend herself. If she was that bad then it would have been easy for him to leave.

 

The wife was probably telling the truth about the way he really is also. To get you on the hook he had to portray himself in the most favorable light that he could. He was on his best behavior with you. You have no way of knowing what he is like when he's not putting on a show.

 

Marriage is not easy and it takes alot of work. There are many bumps along the road. Sometimes a partner may take the other for granted or they may be too caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and they forget how much their spouse means to them. You happened along at one of those points and he made a terrible mistake.

 

If you haven't completely cut off contact with him you must do so. Until they are separated/divorced that is the wife's territory. Move on.

[sunnyp]

Having an affair with a married man is a dangerous thing. I know. I have been there. I married the man I had an affair with. He is now making more havoc in our lives that I have ever had in my life. He is a bad flirt.

Now as far as him saying hang in there. Don't give up on him. Don't believe it. It's a ploy to keep you around and give you hope! Hope that he will be yours one day. Ask your self this. If all I had was hope while he was married to her, what will I have when he marries me? Your answer should be. "I will have all the fears his wife had."

My ex husband cheated. It is why I left him. He was my childhood sweetheart! I lost faith in men for a long time. Maybe I still have no faith in them.

I do know this. An affair trashes ones self esteem. It tears up ones life. It makes a woman feel second best. Being a mistress is not how I want to live. I want it all. Not just some of it. My mom said this to me after many long talks. "You keep having these problems with men because you keep settling for second best."

[dazedandconfused62]

Thanks for the input....It's comforting, and unsettling to know their are others out there that have gone through the same thing...I too, was married to a cheater...divorced him, remarried him (for our son's sake)then divorced him again. This pretty much destroyed my faith in all men and my self esteem, what little was left. I have had a series of failed "relationships" with losers and cheaters since my last divorce. This married guy was so different from all of them in alot of ways.......BUT, he was married, that should have been the number one RED FLAG! He was sweet, caring, was very interested in ME and that was a refreshing change from the other men I had known....guess that's what lured me in....It his so disheartening to know that the only "decent" guy I've met since my divorce was married.......decent - HA