NEED HELP FAST - EX CALLED ME

[skynet74]

My Ex and I were together for 10 years. Things turned ugly this year. She moved out but has still been getting her mail here. I decided to initiate No contact. Wasn't an agreement, but rather something I felt I needed to do until I could get some respect back. After 11 Days she calls me today and leaves a message on my voice mail asking me if I can bring her mail to her work. Wants me to call her back.

 

Now do I call her back or do I just ignore the phone call like it never came? If I ignore her it's going to show her that what she did still bothers me. Plus she'll probably keep calling back. So that may not be the best route. I personally don't think I should be bringing her anything though after the way she's treated me. On the other hand I want to remain indifferent and not come off like a jerk either. We are encouraged to act like we did in the beginning to get those good feelings back. Well I would not have ignored her in the beginning. I think I should just tell her that I'm to busy and can't do it today.

 

Then again if I knew for sure what I should be doing, I wouldn't be here asking for advice right now.

 

 

 

thanks,

 

John

[RayKay]

Well, if you want to stay NC right now - put her mail in an envelope, and phone a courier.

 

You can put a small note in there saying that you have also included the change of address form - be polite and friendly, but then leave it at that.

[Beec]

John,

 

I know you want her back, and when you are ready for it the mail is an excuse for creating contact. So, I would not encourage her to change her address. However, I would not rush off to give her mail either, but I would not ignore the phone call.

 

I would call her back, but maybe not today. I'd wait until tonight or tomorrow, then I'd make arrangements and try to act as if she was the woman you jsut met and might have some interest in but you are not ready to disclose your feelings at all. Does this make sense?

 

If you cannot handle the contact, make arrangements so you don't need to have contact.

[Val_76]

Keep the NC rule in effect. Try not to talk to her.

 

If you still have her e-mail address at work than use it for a really short message saying you'll send her any mail that will come your way to her as soon as you receive it. Don't go see her. You can also leave her a really short message directly to her voice box saying the same. Keep it short, sweet and polite.

 

11 days is not that long and she's starting to ask herself what you're doing, thereforeeee she will take any small things that still connect you two to get info.

 

good luck.

[d346]

I think it's a little nervy of her to ask you to deliver her mail to her...and I don't think you should do her any favors. Or at least go out of your way to do so.

 

However, that being said, I don't think you should ignore her either. Perhaps wait until tonight to call -and either suggest a time you will be around for her to pick it up, or ask where you can send it. In my opinion, if it was that important she'd come and retrieve it. If not, then her mail can wait, since it isn't important to her enough to have it forwarded to her new address.

 

If she calls you again today, I guess I would answer it, but tell her you're busy and can't hand deliver her mail.

[skynet74]

Well about an hour after the first call, she called my Cell phone. I picked it up because it would be to obvious that I was ignorning her if I didn't pick up any phone at all. I was short and to the point. Not rude...... but I intentioanlly sounded busy. Told her I had a lot to do and wouldn't be heading up that way today. Told her I was going the other way and she would have to pick up her mail.

 

I turned the tables today and gave her a dose of her own medicine. Instead of sounding happy to hear her, I just asked What's Up a couple of times. Made her feel like she needs a reason to call me which is exactly how she's been making me feel the past couple months. Like I said.... I was not rude. Just appeared to be busy. I also stuck a change of address form in with her mail. When she sees that, the wheels in her head are really going to start turning.

 

Then after I told her I wouldn't be up to bring her the mail, I ended the call quickly. When I said Bye... that confident voice of hers didn't seem nearly as confident anymore. She sounded a little disappointed or almost sad. Don't know if this is because I wasn't an Emotional mess on the phone (or) simply because she felt a little like she wasn't in control of me today. Perhaps both. But I think I did the right thing today and I'm feeling like if I keep playing my cards right I can get her eating out of the palm of my hand within a few months.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for her to kiss my Butt. I just want the equal respect back that we used to have for one another. The scale is very unbalanced at the moment and I am just trying to get it back to where it should be.

 

John

[Val_76]

You handled this really nicely if you ask me. Keep your end of the stick and you will feel much better. The change of address form is a really nice touch... it will make her think a lot, she will see you're getting your confidence back and that you are not a wreck anymore. Its the first move to get her back or to move on whatever you choose to do

[d346]

good for you!!! Honestly what was she thinking by asking you to deliver her mail???

 

NC sucks but honestly, it gives you strength, doesn't it?? I bet a month ago you would have jumped at the chance to bring her mail to her!!!

[skynet74]

Yes... A Month ago I would of jumped at the chance to bring her anything. I would of been there within 15 minutes of her Phone Call! Not anymore though. Now it's her turn to come to me.

 

I came up with a nice anaology. It's like having a Dog. The Dog will playfully run from you in the hope that you will chase him. The more you keep chasing, the more he keeps running from you. However if you suddenly stop chasing him, he'll get confused (perhaps a little nervous) and then eventually run back looking for you.

 

Same with our Ex's. When we stop chasing them, they will eventually go looking for us.

 

What my Ex did today was the equivalent of her saying...... HEY...... ARN'T YOU GOING TO KEEP CHASING ME? I'M RIGHT HERE. DON'T YOU WANT TO COME TO ME?

 

What I did today was say........ NO.

 

 

 

John

[fantasia2004]

Congratulations

[Beec]

 

 

While I like the dog analogy, it is very good, sometimes when they don't come looking for you, you need to chase again. But the smart chaser is the one who knows how to sneak up on the dog and grab it by the collar before it even knows it is being chased. Translate: If you want someone approach them in a way that does not indicate that you do, most of the time.

[skynet74]

Translate: If you want someone approach them in a way that does not indicate that you do, most of the time.

----------------------

 

 

Hmmm.... that's interesting. I would agree. But you have to grab them by the collar at the right time. You can't do it while they are still trying to run from you. There will be to much resistance there. You need to wait for them to Stop first.

 

How exactly do you approach the EX in a way that does not indicate you are trying to get her back. Can you clarify how this would be done?

 

 

John

[saltwatergirl]

I cant believe when I saw this thread. I just read a post of yours yesterday (I've been following your story) and you were saying "don't worry.....she WILL contact me, etc." and lo and behold here you are posting JUST THAT. Outstanding!!!

 

I'm proud of you and I think you are handling it well, especially the "too busy" to bring your mail to you (honestly, that was tacky of her...she was trying to see if you would still jump through all her hoops....so glad you didn't).

 

It wont surprise me if by the end of August this chic isn't freakin callin you nonstop. Keep it up!

 

PS---My own sob story is posted on breakup board but to narrow it down: together 3.5 years, he says "ill call you tonite" and i dont hear CRAP from him for 2 weeks.......wont return my calls (hysterical i might add). Then shows up BAm after 2 weeks with "i'm so sorry, i was confused, etc......". And I have answered the phone every day since. (im an idiot) I have not initiated any NC since he returned crying 3 weeks ago on my doorstep. Maybe I should. But what good would that do he is already at the "wanting me back" stage, but I dont know if he is REALLY remorseful and REALLY knows he wants me back....(he has done NOTHING except call.) Not one show of anything (no flowers, letters, etc) just phone calls. And the talks are simple day to day convo talks. I'm sick of it. Maybe i"ll just stop answering the phone.

[kate111]

Dear skynet,

 

Yay! good for you. Of course she called you.

 

I agree it was tacky of her to ask you to take her mail to her. Who does she think she is anyway?

 

You definitely did the right thing with the change of address form.

 

If she calls you, you definitely don't want it to be about the mail.

 

If she calls you and you don't feel like answering, then don't. Don't worry about what she thinks anymore. This is YOUR life and you can do whatever you want now. She is not in control of you anymore. Maybe it is uncharacteristic for you not to answer the phone, well you know what? Who cares, maybe you have changed and this is the kind of thing you do now.

 

And I know it seems like silence is rude, but trust me, it is THE best way at this stage. It will keep her wondering because she will never be sure why you aren't talking to her. Sure she may think it is a ploy at some level, but on another it may make her a little scared that maybe you have found someone better or that you are enjoying life without her or something else hideous that she probably couldn't bear to imagine!

 

Keep up the good work boy!

[Beec]

Translate: If you want someone approach them in a way that does not indicate that you do, most of the time.

----------------------

 

 

Hmmm.... that's interesting. I would agree. But you have to grab them by the collar at the right time. You can't do it while they are still trying to run from you. There will be to much resistance there. You need to wait for them to Stop first.

 

How exactly do you approach the EX in a way that does not indicate you are trying to get her back. Can you clarify how this would be done?

 

 

John

 

You've got the picture. The analogy would be that you are only walking up to scratch behind their ears, give them a little attention, and then you'll leave.

 

It really just indicates that you need to make and indirect approach.

 

If you could really see the ex and control your emotions, not an easy thing, then seeing her to give her the mail can be a good thing. You see her, act like you are not there to have any interest in her, talk for a few, chat, pay her one compliment, then leave right away with a happy goodbye.

 

Imagine she was a woman you jsut met and had an interest in, but we feelign her out. Isn't this the same approach you would make. A little conversation, maybe one compliment or flirtatious remark, then you leave. As if you flirting remark was not there to get her (or get her back). In other words, you just walked up to the dog who was scared you'd grab it by the collar, scratched behind its ears, then left. The next time do the same, and by the third or fourth time, the dog has no fear of your grabbing it by the collar. The you start working in the direction of making the dog want to follow you around. But first things first.

[kate111]

I agree Beec's method could work but not straight away.

 

You need to give her and yourself some time apart to get some perspective.

 

Otherwise you will not be able to pull off that kind of happy and carefree behaviour. It just won't work.

 

Id wait at leastanother month to see her again.

[Beec]

I agree Beec's method could work but not straight away.

 

You need to give her and yourself some time apart to get some perspective.

 

Otherwise you will not be able to pull off that kind of happy and carefree behaviour. It just won't work.

 

Id wait at leastanother month to see her again.

 

kate111 is right, you need sometime apart in order to make this happen. If you suddenly change overnight, then something will seem very funny.

 

When is does happen and if the relationship is mentioned, seem a little wistful, but not needy.