Help please :)

[betrthanurex]

It's 3am and I'm sitting in bed alone with a light on pulling my hair out.

I do it when I'm nervous.. or thinking.

 

Tonight I was watching a show and he made a comment about one of the actresses - how sexy as hell she was - and even though I'd been watching the series all weekend and was basically expecting the comment eventually - I reacted poorly and couldn't "help" myself and couldn't "catch my breath" and control myself.

We play fought a bit about it and he is a bit rough and then I get rougher, too. I hate it, though.

Eventually we hit a rough spot and got kinda mad at each other - he's sleeping in other room tonight. One of the first nights he's done that.

 

I'm beginning to wonder more - and realize more - I am so stupid for rushing into things. It would have been fine relationship maybe better than now if he had not moved in, or we didn't spend so much time together. I'm scared to 'keep' jumping in - but I jumped months ago so the damage is done - I feel.

 

I'm wondering if he is really the right one (I've had thoughts about others being the "one" before.)

 

Where did I go?

 

I don't know myself any more.

 

I can't even find myself.

 

I can't figure out when I left either.

 

But then again I'm not sure I knew who I was to begin with.

 

And I'm just really what to do anymore.

 

It's getting so hard.

 

So hard.

 

Three jumps back... one small step forward.

 

Time... flies.. it's going by and I feel it's running out - almost like there won't be any left for me.

 

I'm so scared.

 

So * * * * ing scared.

[TidalWave]

I reacted poorly and couldn't "help" myself and couldn't "catch my breath" and control myself.

You think of yourself way higher than you really are. This isn't a quality you would like to have.

Just because he's with you doesn't make him blind. If he says a girl is sexy, then you say 'you're right, she really is hot'... can you do it? You cannot force yourself to do it, it's an attitude. You should not try to control yourself either, it should be natural. It should be your attitude.

 

If you cannot see who you are, start with who you are not. Write a list of qualities you lack or don't have as high as you wished and go after them. Consciously progress towards your goal, keep track of it and get feedback, re-evaluate and react appropriately.

[Longview01]

How did a comment about some girl on tv that he will never meet EVER get that far into an argument?

 

Seriously, you guys should be having fun with stuff like that and messing around, when they are out the room and this girl comes on screen you should be shouting "quick get in here and see this" only for him to rush in and only see that girl on the screen.

[AzurePhoenix]

I am sorry for your pain and the confusion you are experiencing. I can sense the uncertainty, fear and doubt in your post.

 

If I may, offer you a small piece of perspective:

 

You must be able to know yourself, and love yourself before you can really be in a healthy relationship and love another person.

 

From your post, it sounds like you have lost yourself somewhere along your life's journey.

 

Your value, sense of self worth is found from within you, and not in the reflection of your lover's eyes.

 

You have immense value, but you have to believe it, and embrace it. Only from that place, can you truly love not only yourself but someone else.

 

Regards,

 

~AZ

[generaldiscord]

When you start dating, it's a kind of a war. But at some point, it has to become a partnership.

 

Your boyfriend finds a celebrity attractive. Don't you WANT him to be able to voice that to you? I think you should apologize to him and in the future try to be more trusting and supportive of him.

[geekgirl4]

I think you need some time to figure yourself out.