Gawd please tell me it gets better!!

[ReneinDC]

I posted here under another name back in the winter about my ex Peter and I breaking up. He was on a few meds and he put me thru a lot so I ended it even though I didn't want to. We were working together at the time so we had to see each other.. Well soon after I broke things off We started doing the friends with benefits deal and last night on a pier he told me he wants to start seeing other people and felt I was in the way but wanted to keep me as his "best friend" So I told him no way and not to contact me again.. well he's been text messaging me but I've ignored them. I am devastated nonetheless and have been crying my eyes out all day! I'm still in bed at 3:30 how pathetic is that??

 

I dont love easily and it takes me years to fall in love.. especially at my age so I just knew he was the one but after some mental episodes I knew deep down he wasn't the one yet I still loved him and though I did break it off he pursued me only to dump me. He doesn't want to let me go yet he wants to see others. I feel so lonely and I want this pain to stop! I just feel like I'm dying

[lady00]

First of all, your NOT pathetic. Try not to think that way. Don't blame yourself for your feelings. It's normal to be very upset after a breakup, especially when a turbulent relationship ends. What you're going through is hard and it's going to take a lot of time for you to get thru this but you will get thru it. Don't feel bad about crying or getting upset. I must say that time and space are the only things that can truly help you heal. I understand what you're going through. Many of us on this forum have been there and are still there. It hurst like hell but it really does get better. In time, you really will feel better. If someone had told me that a few months ago (and people did!) I would have said they were crazy and that i would never feel better. But time away from the person who caused me pain has really made me feel much much better and it will help you too. Like the site logo says, you're not alone!

[ReneinDC]

 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words! The pain has me in a choke hold and I can barely breathe sometimes.. I see him online on instant messenger and I'm debating whether to delete him or just stay invisible.. what is the protocol for that anyone know? Should I just stay invisible for a while? He's certainly not hiding.. seems he's getting along just fine but I'm the one being miserable

[Mun]

Hi Rene,

Remember that you have control over what is happening here. If he has told you he wants to see other people then you did the right thing in telling him that it's over. At least it is over the way it was --with benefits. It's a big problem when a woman continues to see a man sexually who is not committed to her, but she is to him.( Tell you more about that in PM)

 

I am not sure if you want to see him or if you don't. If he really is not the one as you said then know that you will heal and you will move on. You will find someone who will care for you and give you what you need. I don't think it matters if you are 39 or 59 it's all about your attitude.

 

Remember what you want and don't settle for less.

[lady00]

I wouldn't assume he's getting along fine. People cope in different ways. Sometimes people pretend they're fine when they're not. But him being online isn't any indication either way. you should remove him from your buddy list and block him so you won't have to know he's online or talk to him. really, you need to cut him off completely. It's like ripping off a bandaid, it will hurt less if you just do it quickly than if you do it slowly.

[kdreger]

Rene, you one of many people who are dealing with a broken heart. Of course, it gets better. Chances are you only accepted the "friends with benefits" because you wanted him on whatever terms you could get. I've been there. The person leaving doesn't just disappear, they leave in bits and pieces, over time - tearing you apart slowly.

 

The only way you deal with it is:

1) Make peace with it - accept it's over

2) Don't keep contact - when you can go a week without thinking about him then contact him again - until then, no contact - it only drags the pain on and on

3) Get angry - more below

 

One thing I want you to know. He was playing you. The only person who benefits from "friends with benefits" is the person who comes up with the idea. Chances are he just wanted sex until he could get someone to replace you. Now he's has someone to replace you for sex and is kicking you to the curb. To top it all off he wants to stay friends. I'll let you in on a secret - he's doing that so some day in the future he can ask you for sex again - trust me, I have guy friends - I've seen it all.

[ReneinDC]

 

 

Oh man I dont know what to say! Reading this felt just like the punch in the stomach I felt last night when he was telling me his BS while we were eating dinner on the pier! I needed to read this.. thank you because it was just the jolt I needed!

[jarofpinecones]

Renein, hang in there hun. You just got dealt a body blow. But like a true prizefighter, you will get up and you will keep fighting.

 

Staying in bed until 3:30 is not pathetic. Heart sickness is like any other sickness. Wouldn't you drink orange juice and stay in bed if you had the flu? Shock is shock, your mind needs to heal too. You need rest to stay positive. Believe it or not, taking aspirin or ibuprofen and calcium supplements can do a lot for the aches and pains that come from grief and a lot of crying. Lots of Chamomile tea and hot cocoa, or some ice cream are good too (just don't overdo the icecream, hehe I like Tofutti myself.)

 

As for the rest? Whatever wonderful qualities your ex brought out in you, those are still there. He didn't take them with him when he left. You may feel weak and unsure of yourself, but have faith that they will come back. Try and keep your relationship separate from who you are. When we are immersed in loss of a loved one, it is so easy to get Who We Are tangled up with What We Had With Someone Else. Believe me, I know. Once you are able to think of them separately, it will be easier to mourn your loss and heal.

[ReneinDC]

 

 

Thank you very much Jar those are very wise words! After my daughter sprayed me like a cat in the face to get out of bed this morning I decided that it's time to get active.. take a shower (the sheets were starting to stick to me like velcro) so I did some girly stuff and went to Target.. as I was browsing housewares and starting to forget about the trama.. I get a text message from him! He wont let me heal even though I told him twice not to contact me.. Yeah funny how it's not so fun when he's not the center of my universe and He wanted to see other people so badly but it's not as exciting doing it with me not in the picture! He's going to be in for a big shock when he realizes that I dont want him back this time.

[ReneinDC]

he just texted me again!! Should I just ignore them? He's asking how i'm doing and sending jokes to my phone.. I really dont want to talk to him

[Mun]

Hi again,

If you don't really want to talk to him then don't, but if you do then go for it but DO IT ON YOUR TERMS. No more of this " with benefits" thing. Let him ring you one more time and then respond ( if you want to )

 

If you lay the ground rules and stick with them then he has no choice (if he wants you back) but to follow them. Remember you DO have a say in what kind of relationship you want. Stick to what you want and do not sway.

 

A man will respect you more when you show him that you require respect. If you make him wait for sex until YOU are ready( and there is some kind of commitment or exclusivity) he will treasure you because you treasure yourself. Remember this and good luck !

[fantasia2004]

If that is you in the picture why would you want him back when there are other wonderful good hearted men who would be glad to take HIS place?

 

out with the old, in with the new! 8)

[ReneinDC]

Hi again,

If you don't really want to talk to him then don't, but if you do then go for it but DO IT ON YOUR TERMS. No more of this " with benefits" thing. Let him ring you one more time and then respond ( if you want to )

 

If you lay the ground rules and stick with them then he has no choice (if he wants you back) but to follow them. Remember you DO have a say in what kind of relationship you want. Stick to what you want and do not sway.

 

A man will respect you more when you show him that you require respect. If you make him wait for sex until YOU are ready( and there is some kind of commitment or exclusivity) he will treasure you because you treasure yourself. Remember this and good luck !

 

Hi Muneca There will be no more sex for sure I wont budge on that and since he cast the dye for this to happen he will have to live with his decision plain and simple! I wanted him in my life in the past and accepted the friends with benefit stuff but not again wont happen. He's scared now as he should be because Im not letting him back in and he knows it I feel.

[ReneinDC]

If that is you in the picture why would you want him back when there are other wonderful good hearted men who would be glad to take HIS place?

 

out with the old, in with the new! 8)

 

I love your big blue logo! lol Yes that is me in the pic and thank you I'm blushing and may I say you are one hot tamale as well if that's your pic! Interestingly enough he always said I could do better than him but I didn't feel that way.. guess he was right all along.. I CAN do better and will stop pining away for someone who cant be with me in the way I want and deserve

[fantasia2004]

And 39 years old what a blessing for you and millions of men out there and what an idiot for that ex guy too!

[ReneinDC]

And 39 years old what a blessing for you and millions of men out there and what an idiot for that ex guy too!

 

 

 

Awwwww thank you that's very sweet of you to say! I'm starting to feel better and thank u and the rest of the forum for your support.. I dont know where I'd be without you guys!

[vetgirl]

Just wanted to add that you are doing very well Rene. You deserve so much better than this guy. It sounds like you are on your way towards healing your heart. There are ups and down (believe me I know!!!) but right now you are on the up and up!

[ReneinDC]

Just wanted to add that you are doing very well Rene. You deserve so much better than this guy. It sounds like you are on your way towards healing your heart. There are ups and down (believe me I know!!!) but right now you are on the up and up!

 

Hi Vetgirl and thank you for your kind words! I'm having a down day even though I've been doing good.. feel sad and still in shock somewhat but I'm sticking to my guns even though. It still hurts like the dickens.

[Celadon]

Rene, did we date the same guy? -- because our stories sound about the same! We've both been jerked around by big-time jerks. LOL.

 

I wanted to just encourage you to hang in there and do whatever you can to turn away from the pain. You don't need him or that kind of pain in your life. That's what I think. We've got better things, more positive things to experience in life, and I for one am ready for it.

 

The one good thing about my ex starting to see someone else is that I realized, like you, that there was NO future for us. I'd be selling myself short if I'd have stayed with him. He's history. Period.

 

I think you should ignore the text messaging and turn it off if you can. Out of sight means out of mind.

 

Take care.

[fantasia2004]

I agree:

 

 

Out of sight means out of mind

[ReneinDC]

Thank you Katie and Fantasia... I got a text message last night but deleted it instantly.. didn't bother reading it. I miss him though.. I miss him terribly.. rather I miss the illusion of bliss with him. I'm crying as I type this.. stupid crying jags all day.. ugh ugh ugh It's like a death occurred..

 

I HOPE I come back as black widow spider in my next life so I dont have to deal with relationships.. I'll just poison them instead lol

[Celadon]

I miss him terribly.. rather I miss the illusion of bliss with him. I'm crying as I type this.. stupid crying jags all day.. ugh ugh ugh It's like a death occurred..

 

Cry all you need to -- it's cathartic and really does wash away the anger, pain, whatever's left. At some point, with any luck it'll be soon, you'll get tired of crying, then you'll feel ready to resume life. A better life without him.

 

And you're a wise one: It was an illusion of bliss, not bliss itself. I maintain that there's nothing wrong with loving with all your heart and believing the best of others. Unfortunately, at some point, we realize that we're giving our all and not getting his all back. Hopefully, that's the break point. It may take two or three *actual* break-ups before that happens, but for those of us who are perversely lucky enough, we'll see the situation for what it is and get out.

 

I do feel sorry for women who are stuck in a relationship in which they're taken for granted. That's an ongoing hell, not just a momentary hell like you're going through.

 

Take care, Rene.

[sveta]

hi everybody. I found out yesterday my husband got drunk and cheated on me about a month ago. can anybody tell me if you personally would forgive your spouse for something like this?

[ReneinDC]

hi everybody. I found out yesterday my husband got drunk and cheated on me about a month ago. can anybody tell me if you personally would forgive your spouse for something like this?

 

Oh my I am so sorry to hear this.. personally for me.. I could not forgive a cheating spouse. # 1 a cheatng spouse jepordizes your health by possibly bringing an std back with his sorry behind.. how do you know they are using protection when they cheat?? #2 The trust would be so out the window even if he was just taking out the trash I would think he was screwing around.. I mean every move he made would drive me to thoughts that he's messing around.. which is just too much to deal with.

 

Tell me something.. how did it come about that he was drunk with another woman present?

[sveta]

I had to go away for 2 months school. He was so upset and lonely, started going out more and drinking a lot. Once he got drunk so much that he had sex with a friend of a friend or something. He says he did not realize it, his friend showed him a picture later?! Now he says he does not have the same feelings for me, scared to see me, wants to move on with his life. I do not think I can forgive him, but there is so much love and good memories left. We had problems, but I had 100% trust in him…

Thank you for your answer, Renein. I understand everything with my head that it is better just to stop now, but my heart loves him, it just hurts so much...