i feel i am dying ..........is she playing games with me???

[serenityseekinglife]

hi all, am going through a phase wherein i feel 'i have never ever loved anyone like i love her'......its too long..sorry abt it....but, pls bear with me n do read n reply...

 

its about me(28 yr) and her(21 yr old, but as mature as a 100 yr old) we both are very mature and spiritual.....and have no current romantic relations with anyone.....i've been a lesbian all my life....she has had only one hetero relation till date.....and she approached me....so, perhaps she is a bi...i love a girl since 14 yrs. and she is the only lvoe in my life till this girl came.......and i have been in closet and its so difficult to tell neone tht i am a lesbian....so, i tend to stay miles far away from girls......

 

in april 2004 she approached me via mail..... 'i'm fond of u..it wud b my pleasure if i cud b of some help to u. so pls feel free n ask. u r living behind walls. challenge lies outside'

i replied 'thnx for showing the concern. i've personal issues n i prefer nt to discuss'

she persisted. i gave in....

a common friend broke off with me. i tried breaking off with her.

she persisted and convinced me nt to break

i end up telling abt my personal problems.....she told a bit abt her..

all the while her body language was a bit awkward as if she is very conscious with me....i never realised tht she is attracted towards me.

she told 'i can't see u unhapy like this. please learn to be happy'....and also started crying sayin this.....

i realised all of a sudden that she is perhaps in lvoe with me.....and i also realised tht infact i loved her tooooo.....

 

just within 15 days i tired breaking up almost 3 times....initially it was my high defence....then it was the common friend......then when she told me she loved a guy who is married....i thot 'over n out. she is a hetero..forget her'.....she kept persuading me......i hanged on....

 

it is so crystal clear to me.......i know i love her and i want to spend the entire life with her. i am basically a 'once in a lifetime' kinda person...and i am million times sure of my committment, love and feelings for her..i told my brother and all my friends that i love her.....(including friends who never knew about my lesbian thing.....)

 

but, before 3 days she broke up..saying there is no basic understanding...i told her she is jumping to conclusions...we must try adn explore and learn about each other....she also told i'm rushing..and she is a slow person....so, i told her fine....as you say....lets minimize our interactions....meet just once in a month in the open space....i wrote huge mails ....and tried so hard to work out......requesitng her...begging her....and all tht...but, this time she didn't budge....and after a flurry of mails lastly she wrote to me 'this is not the right time for anything between us. v were perhaps supposed to touch each other's life for this brief period. beyond which the purpose might be lost. my silent support will be always with u...for now i am breaking this relation....it is time for things to be silent now'.......and i told her 'anything you want.....we will have silence'......

 

this is what has been happening.....i don't understand as to why she is backing out.....what is going in her mind? is she avoiding as she is getting strong vibes that i am gettin attracted towards her and there is no genuine love??.....or is it coz she herself is strongly pulled towards me and hence wants to maintain distance??....or is it that she doesn't love me??????....or is she still emotionally involved with the ex-bf....or is she apprehensive of getting into a lesbian relation......why is she backing out??? her eyes reflect so much of love.........it is getting so difficult for me to stay far away from her.....and she has not given any tentative idea as to how long she will stay far.....

 

i have already put in so much of emotions and dreams into this rel......if after making me wait and wait....she ditches me....i will die......we have not directly confessed our love for each other.....both have been very subtle....and she also told me once 'just coz the way v express feelings is different doesn't mean our feelings are different. i feel as intensely for u as u do'......

 

is it turnign out to be a unhealthy relation where its onyl me who is 'giving'.....and none of my emotional needs is getting fulfilled.....due to her stress on 'indefinite silence'........is she just playing with me? is she using me? i myself feel that it is love from both sides....just that conventional wisdom might have stg else to say..and hence i need your views...how long do i wait....and when and how do i approach her? why is she staying far???? she believes tht love makes a person stronger...she knows since last 15 yrs, i m down....due to my heartbreak....she believes tht strength sud come from within......is she staying far awy from me purposefully to make me more stronger? is tht why she told me 'i do wish to pull our of this phase but i feel tht the kind of support i need to give is different......my silent support will always be there with u...."

so, wht is this girl doing to me? sud i wait indefinitely......sud i forget her and move ahead........i have tried my best talkign to her....but she doesn't open up.....

 

i keep crying and smiling....i don't knw wht to make of her behaviour....please please guide me.......

 

thanx a lot for readin such a long post!

[Scott M.]

hey, someone eraced my post.