Why would someone have a relationship with someone married?

[hurtabandoned]

I just wanted to know what goes through the mind of someone who chooses to involve themselves with someone who is married?

 

It doesn't make much sense to me. I can think of plenty of reasons as to why it wouldn't be a good idea but I can't think of any reasons why a relationship like that could be benificial.

 

Another question, if you were seeing someone who you thought was single ended up being married how would you handle this?

[ComputerGuy]

I agree, it's just not beneficial period as far as I'm concerned. If I found out the girl I was with was already married, I would probably be PISSED big time, and would probably tell the other half If I found out who they were, because no one deserves to be lied to or hurt like that.

[Rahll]

Yes if I was with a girl who I found out was married, I would definitaly go to the husband and tell him.....err depedning on how big he was, I might just send a nice E-mail.

 

As for why people do it......Theres a number of reasons.

 

A lot of time it's because they got married too soon, and they wern't prepared to be with someone all the time. It could be that there having marital problems, but a lot of times, the marrige is fine, and they truly do love their spouse. For guys, it is often simply sex. They get bored with having sex with just their wife, and they become attracted to other women.

 

Monogomy is aginst our primitive reproduction instincts. In nature, when the male is done with the female, it moves on to another one.

 

Soem of that is still left in us, and for guys that part is lust or sexual drive. This isnt saying that guys cant control themselves. It's simply saying that guys cant turn off their intrest in other woman completely. They can lower it, igonore it, and suppress it, but never turn it off.

 

For woman, it can be about the sex too, but it's usually emotional. Some women simply like the excitement of being with another person, others are missing something emotional in the bedroom. Also, suprisingly, woman are more likely to cheat to fulfil a fantasy than men are.

[hurtabandoned]

My questions stem from my husbands affair. The other woman(she's single) initially was not aware that he was married until I called a number that I found and told someone she knew that answered the phone. He told her that he was divorced.

 

The phone call didn't stop her, she continued to call his cell phone and call his work. It stopped when I confronted her at her work place.

 

I can't understand her motives in continuing to have contact with him knowing that he had a wife and child at home.

[Spice]

I think it is just selfishness...on both ends. period

[CherryGrl]

H&A, I was hoping you would get some answers from women who've gone after guys who are married or living with someone, since I'm interested in your question also.

 

In my case, my boyfriend apparently told the other woman that he was in a long-term live-in relationship after they had known each other for several days and right after they had sex for the first time. She apparently asked him why he was with her, then, but had no interest in ending the relationship. I know she continued to pursue him from her e-mail.

 

I think if I were in bed with a guy and found out I had been deceived like this, I would be very angry and the guy would be out of my apartment and out of my life right then. But apparently there are many people who don't feel that way.

 

This woman continued to pursue him even after he told her it had just been a brief fling and it was over. When he reminded her that he had told her he wasn't available, she said she didn't think he was serious, she thought he would leave me for her. She cried and begged and wanted to know how he could live without her (this after they had known each other only three weeks.) She even chased him out of the building on the last day he worked where she is employed, wanting to know if she would ever see him again and if they could just be "friends." My boyfriend had to scream at her to go get herself a boyfriend who was available before she would let him leave.

 

Now, believe me, I don't blame her for what happened. It was my boyfriend's responsibility to be faithful to me, not her responsiblity to keep him faithful. But I still don't understand this hot pursuit of a guy who is in a relationship.

 

There doesn't seem to be any great lack of available men out there. So what WOULD make a single woman continue to want to see a guy who is otherwise involved?

[OceanEyes]

Hiya H & A,

 

Sorry I can't offer first-hand experience either, since unfortunately, I've always been pursued by or pursued single men. Yeah, it still happens!

 

I totally feel your frustration and need for some kind of explanation, and also, some insight into the mind of a homewrecker. No offence guys and gals, but if you're knowingly dating a married/ attached man or woman, that's exactly what you're doing. Obviously it's the responsibility of the person who is attached to be faithful, but how much better is the person who becomes involved knowingly? Not much in my opinion.

 

The only reason I could quasi-understand why someone would choose to get involved with a married person is that they just honestly didn't know. Some people do lie about their marital status and can move around easily without getting caught. Then of course, real feelings start developing for the person who is married, promises can be made and the person who becomes involved with the married man/ woman finds it difficult to accept that the person who has made these promises really isn't available.

 

As for women and men who know that the person is married/ attached, I simply don't have a logical, or ANY, explanation except for weakness and obviously desperation. If you're really that desperate for some companionship or are that unhappy, I guess it would seem like a good idea to become involved with anyone, regardless of who might be waiting at home for them.

[Kittengirl]

I can tell you my reasons for having an affair but before I do I must say that it was the first and last time that I would ever go with someone who was unavailable. I would advise ANYONE to stay clear, as it will more than likely end in disaster. I started a new job and immediately there was a spark between the boss and myself. I knew from the outset he was married and I also knew that to pursue this would be a huge mistake. So I didn't. However he began to invite me on work outings with customers and we got very close. To cut a long story short we began seeing one another and for me it was the excitement of having a secret relationship.The fact that I could have my own life and abit of fun when ever I wanted without any strings.Very selfish I know and I am deeply ashamed of what happened. It very quickly became a full-blown affair and he wanted more than I did. One day he just appeared on my doorstep telling me his wife had found out and made him leave. All of a sudden the repercussions of this silly dalliance had become all too serious. I let him move in and spent the next 5 years feeling bad, he didn't get divorced, he wouldn't allow me to have a relationship with his children and it was all a total disaster cumulating in him doing the same to me this year, leaving me for someone at his work. I have someone new and am very much in love but I still feel angry even though I knew all along that this was going to be a very hard relationship. But there is absolutely no excuse for getting involved with someone who has a wife, fiancé or even girlfriend. They are being disrespectful to everyone and greedy and you are being selfish and will ruin many peoples lives. Think very hard before you put yourself into this situation.There are plenty of decent men out there why settle for less.

[hurtabandoned]

Thank you for your honesty kittengirl.

[Val_76]

Well my father divorced my mother when he was around 40. He did so for a 27 year old girl (at that time) who knew that he was married and that he had 3 childrens. They had an affair for more than a year before my father confessed and he did so to end his marriage. He is now still with his young flame after 14 years and they have an 8 year old daughter (my half sister whose a sweet heart).

 

I tough really bad things about my "stepmother" until I understood that my father lied to her big time about his relationship with my mother. In her eyes she was a monster and my father was a hero just to be able to stay around her for the sake of his boys... I found out (with time) that she's not a bad person and she was looking for a more mature men with whom to build a family. My father gave her all that she needed, stability, security, maturity and responsability. I also found out with time that she's very selfish and tend to think only about herself so I guess it didn't really bother her to steal someone's husband as long as he was what she was looking for.

 

So to try to answer your question, I think some of the womens that get involved with married mens are lied too. Cheating mens tend to have a manipulative behaviour and tell whatevers needed to stay out of trouble or to get what they want. Its a game for them. Of course its the same for married womens who cheat, they are gamers that are able to convince their lovers that they are not the bad person in the story, that they will give them unconditional love when they'll find a way to get out of their unhappy marriage. I think single persons that fall for a married are lured in a trap designed by the cheater and its often hard to get out of it. When it comes down to feelings it everyone for themself I guess.

 

So ask yourself if your husband lied to her after she found out he was married because he lied to her about being divorced. Even if she knew, she was already involved and with a promise of being the next after the divorce she could have wait for him a long time...

[sunnyp]

This whole thing is so very familiar to me. I have been on both sides. I got divorced. Remarried. Divorced. Remarried. I lost hope that any man would be faithful to me.

Then I met my man. He is older. But……. He lied to me about being married. He told me all the familiar lies that most of you have heard.

I married this Casanova any way. Now I am having troubles with him.

Below is a post that I put up yesterday. I have been with this man for 5 years. We have been married for two. Mind you on our second anniversary we did not go out to celebrate. I got no flowers not even a card. I haven't been taken out to party in 4 years. I had gone nowhere for two. The man just will not take me anywhere.

We have discussed this at great length. And we have fought a lot. But why is he like this. Read my post up. There is something lurking in my head. I think she is a 70-year-old woman! Why is she doing this? Because she just dam well can. It is why most women do what they want. It's the need to feel wanted. It is mostly the game. They play it until some one gets hurt. In your case the woman sounds like she has severe emotional problems. And needs to not be dismissed as a fruitcake. But know she is a fruitcake! I would always keep my guard up while living in the same town as she. She is likely not going away any time soon. Yes your boyfriend did this. But he didn't know he has set himself up to be stalked. I guess she reminds me of that Hinckley guy who shot Pres. Reagan because he was in love with Jody Foster. I would defiantly keep my eyes open.

In my case I posted this up. After much thought I came to the conclusion my husband has a roaming eye. He is 58 years old. So a 70 year old isnt too old for him. But I smile! Now I can smile. His treatment of me was and is ugly. He said it just didn't occur to him that I was this mad and unhappy. So much for being the silent type like I am. I guess it takes a woman who speaks her mind to not be taken advantage of. That is my fault.

 

 

 

Posted: 7-14-2004 Post subject: Flirting

 

sunnyp Member Gender: Age: 46Joined: 21 Jul 2004 Posts: 10

I need help. My husband engages in flirting with women. It doesn't matter how old she is. Nor where they are. He does this in front of me! He boots me out of conversations we both should be involved in. For example: We were looking at a house. The real-estate agent showed up. (We had dealings with her before) My husband and her talked. And talked. And talked. I tried butting into the conversation but to no avail I was ignored. At the end of the deal I tried to give this agent (Female Agent) our home phone number. She replied, "I have Bill's cell phone number, I really don't need your home phone number." That made me raging mad! So I said to her "if you find any more houses that you think I might be interested in, copy the information, and mail it to me! I said this in a way that would have scared Lucifer! Well when the mail came in a few days. Guess whom the agent addressed the information to? You got it. It was addressed to only him! I called up her boss and explained that my husband was buying a house, but he isnt buying one with out my John Henry on it. I explained the thing his agent did. He apologized. He said he would make this agent loose my husbands cell phone number. And he said she was really out of line. This did make me feel a bit better. But my husband and I have gotten into some bad fights over this and several other incidents with other women. I told him that most of the world sees cackling and carrying on lengthily conversations with the check out clerk is flirting. Half the world views flirting as a form of adultery. He said flat to my face "I just don't see it the way you do." I retorted "I don't do this to you." "Why are you doing it to me in my face?" I got no answer. I have become very suspicious of him. I think he is having an affair. I can't prove it. But I am working on it. I don't want to end my marriage. I just want to save it. Thanks for any advice any one might have on how to cure a husband from flirting.

[shylah]

I can totally relate to your situation. My husband had an affair and the other woman asked ME why I would want to be with someone who cheated on me. She knew that he was married and had a child. You are lucky yours stopped after confronting her- Mine called our house, his work, drove by our house, left messages on our machine.. We have caller id and on one day she called 37 times!