I still love her but.........

[InaDaze87]

Sorry this might get a tad bit long but please give me your opinions...Im not quite sure what topic to post this under but it involves a current break up and having sex with someone other than my current ex. Anyway...brief background!!

 

My current gf/ex and I officially broke up back at the end of september.We were together for 2 years and are crazy in love. She just started law school this semester and moved 2 hours away while Im still here finishing up my last year of undergrad before leaving for physical therapy school. We have had some problems with communication, between us both but nothing like cheating or that type of thing. Our break up was semi-mutual but mostly her idea because of the distance, and she not having the time to focus on the relationship like she should while law school consumes her; on top of some personal issues she just has with relationships in general that stem from her family issues and our communication problems. So long story short we broke up, still love each and miss each other, but just isn't a good time for us to be together because of our career plans.

 

So fast forward a couple months after a few bad arguments and resentment involved in a break up from both of us. We(she) decided that it would be unfair for one to wait 3 years on the other to finish school and all that junk, even though she and I both said we didn't have a problem waiting for each other. But we(she) feel its not fair to ask that of the other person(me) cause "who knows what's out there" So we (actually we haha) decided to leave the past behind and start over our relationship by working one us as individuals first and pour a new foundation were we start off as friends again to make sure we can possibly be together after putting our relationship on hold for the next 3 years of school/ career.

 

I have a previous ex that I dated for about 4years that has come back around. Literally called one day out of no where to get advice about her current problems in a new relationship after almost 2 years of not talking at all between us. Just the casual merry christmas/ happy birthday texts here and there. Anyway needless to say we pick back up and hang out every few days to talk about our SO's blah blah blah!! Here's the problem she and I have a TON of sexual tension just built up from how bad things ended with us and that neither of the SO's are around and we need/want sex terribly. Neither of us are in a relationship so to speak but we both are in love with our SO's and are emotionally attached to our SO's....just not "with"(the title) them We also both know that romantically things are over between us, however we are constantly fighting the urge to have sex because of its convenience at this particular time. I need advice ASAP!!! Has anyone ever experienced this?

[Mephisto13]

....after putting our relationship on hold for the next 3 years of school/ career.

 

So, what's the problem then? You got the green light from your SO that you guys are broken up to "see what's out there". You are "seeing what's out there" so you shouldn't feel guilty that you want to have sex with her. The only reason would be if she (your ex, the one having problems with her SO) isn't in a similar situation where they are broken up or something. IMO, you have the green light.

 

She even thinks it's unfair to have the other person wait all that time...you shouldn't feel guilty if sex comes up within the next 3 years. Who knows, maybe she has someone she's seeing 2 hours away.

 

Both of you. Get that tention worked out...

[InaDaze87]

So, what's the problem then? You are "seeing what's out there" so you shouldn't feel guilty that you want to have sex with her..........

 

..........The only reason would be if she (your ex, the one having problems with her SO) isn't in a similar situation where they are broken up or something. IMO, you have the green light.

 

.......She even thinks it's unfair to have the other person wait all that time...........Who knows, maybe she has someone she's seeing 2 hours away.

 

Both of you. Get that tention worked out...

 

Memphis trust me I know I have the green light...lol And hell most people wouldn't even wait for that "ok" if they were me. The thing is I know my gf/ex(in law school) well enough to know that she doesn't truly mean it. She just doesn't like the feeling of holding me back..not to mention she has a problem just saying how she honestly feels when it come to those type of emotion. She wants to be lawyer man...and their type aren't to fond of emotions that make them look weak.

 

Besides I know I would be pretty hurt even if she were doing/seeing someone else there and i wouldn't want her doing this to me.

 

As far as my other ex..well lets just say her current situation has to do with semi-dating this guy she met during our break-up 3 years back and him still not wanting to commit to her....even though they do everything you can do in a committed relationship.....

[Mephisto13]

Ah, well in that case, given that your girlfriend is like that (that she will wait for you, but doesn't want to force you to wait because it would be unfair)...I'd definitely wait for her. Show her that while she doesn't want to MAKE you do it, you are CHOOSING to do it, because you care enough for her. She might feel bad that she's making you do this, but just remind her that she isn't making you do anything, you chose to wait...there is a difference (she shouldn't feel guilty once you chose to wait when she gave you the green light...even better, she'll feel all warm and nice and comforted in your love for her.

 

That is, if you can handle it (you can't cheat, not for a second...that will crush her).

 

Other wise, it's a great show of love, imo.

[Mustachio]

Im going to take a slightly more cynical approach here. You say that she doesnt really want this breakup and that she is only doing it because its not fair to keep you holding on for 3 years. Im sorry, but I think thats crap. If she truly wanted to be with you now, and in 3 years, she wouldnt push you away. She would find a way to make it work and if there was a definite time frame, such as finishing school, it would be a goal to work on.

 

I have a friend who has been seeing this girl for 4 or 5 years now, she recently moved abour 4 hours away from him to go back to nursing school. I am friends with both and talked to both of them about it, I know they had issues regarding the move and other things too, but they decided to stick it out and they are doing just fine, yes the distance is hard, but they both want to be with each other so they are making it work.

 

Anyways, it sounds to me like you are putting your own life on hold based on the belief that your ex is doing the same thing for you. However she has already told you in not so uncertain terms that she is not doing the same, she has just disguised it by saying that she is doing it because it wouldnt be fair to you.

 

You are also a bit unclear as to whether she is still your gf or is she your ex? Been broken up since September? How often do you still talk? Can you be absolutely sure that this friendship you both have spoke of is not just a way for her to cushion her feelings from the breakup while off doing her own thing?

[InaDaze87]

Mustachio I get exactly where you are coming from because when everything (the break-up/pushing away) happened, I thought it was for the exact reasons you mentioned above. That she was using it all as a cop out to just get me out of the picture because she was out doing her own thing on the side. That's what has made the last 2 months so hard and confusing.

 

A quick background on her. She comes from an abusive home, physical and emotional (maybe even sexual) from her father. Her father also constantly cheated on her mother and her mother never seem to be able to shake this guy until my gf/ex was in high school(after all the damage has been done). She has never been in nor seen a normal functioning relationship all her life where the man was actually a good spouse. So with all that being said she would never put a man before her career and goals no matter what because she always expects the worse in relationships. That's a personal issue she has to get over and work on. So now you can see why she had no problem putting our relationship on hold. Even though I dont agree with how she feels and thinks, I cant change it for her. Just hope and pray that she sees the light before it's too late for us.

 

Also, No, there is not any confusion as to if she's my ex. LOL we are not together!! That makes her my ex. As far as talking we talk maybe once or twice every week or so and that is only when she contacts me because I refuse to contact her from pushing me away. She is very serious and dedicated to this law school thing and studies 24/7. Everyone I have ever known in law school can vouch for how time consuming it becomes and how they did not have a life other than that.

 

I'm not putting my LIFE on hold for her, but I would wait a lifetime to be with her. Sounds crazy, I know!! But I know she has my heart and that's where I want it to be for right now. I still hang out with friends, talk to different girls and flirt, and plan on continuing my life with or with out her. Besides the only reason I truly feel guilty is cause I know I wouldn't want her to do what I am being tempted to do now by having sex with someone else. Not because I expect her to be doing the same thing that Im trying not to do. Honestly if I were to find out she's out doing her own thing I would be hurt but I couldn't be mad or hold it against her because I am on here trying to keep from doing the same thing...lol I have always said that if i were going to screw around, it's going to be because I chose to; not because I thought she was out doing it and I screwed around just to even the odds.

[Mustachio]

Hey, I hope I didnt come off too harsh, and I didnt necessarily mean to imply that she was doing anything on the side either. Only that you are broken up and you shouldnt feel guilt for living your life. If she wanted it to work she would be with you.

 

I only said what I did because if you truly wait its only going to hurt that much if it doesnt go the way you want, just looking out for you. Either way, best of luck to you in whatever you choose.

[Ms Darcy]

I am imagining you find her very attractive and this is part of the reason you saying "crazy" things like I would wait a lifetime for her.

[InaDaze87]

I am imagining you find her very attractive and this is part of the reason you saying "crazy" things like I would wait a lifetime for her.

 

Darcy of course I find her very attractive!! lol I also find my ex before her attractive that I'm trying not to have sex with at this very moment! As well as a couple hundred dozen other girls I see everyday on campus...but that's not at all why I said I would wait for her. There are much more physically attractive girls I talk to and see on the regular than she. Not to mention I myself am a very attractive guy!!! Hell Im pretty damn hott!!(at least that's what I hear) LOL Plus there is much more to her than a pretty face! The biggest turn off to me is a ridiculously attractive girl that I have NOTHING in common with other than her looks. I just love her unconditionally!!.....haha Seriously do you think I'm that shallow to go through all this trouble just cause of simple attraction????...LOL!!!

[lesigh1]

Go for it man. Have sex with your ex and lie about it to your SO. I'm not saying this sarcastically. You getting your sexual tension worked out with your ex without your current Law School gf knowing is your optimal situation.

 

Don't worry about guilt as guilt is only society's disdain thrust upon your individual decisions.