Breaking up.... again

[Nixee]

We only dated for about 3 months or so but this hurts like hell

 

From pretty much the first moment I met him, started talking to him... I just felt he was very very special. We couldn't say goodbye on our first date and we extended it, and it just snowballed from there. Our second date happened the next day...

 

I've spent the past couple years going out with men and feeling mostly lukewarm about each of them. Tiny sparks here and there... only enough to ho-hum along... pushing people away.. But I was smitten right off the bat with this guy and so was he it seemed.

 

Within the first month or so we spent a lot of time together, not sick of one another at all. He would smile at me and tell me he was "infatuated" with me and I would tell him it was okay, that I was infatuated back, but ask if he would still like me when he wasn't infatuated anymore... and he said yes without doubt. We sent each other cute/silly emails. He had put a little note by his bed that said "Nixee is wonderful!"

 

Then.. we took our first weekend trip together, and there was some travel-related stress. I was grouchy, and we had our first argument. I'm not sure he ever recovered from it... it broke the honeymoon/perfect image phase, which was bound to burst anyways. For me... that was fine. I knew I liked him for who he was and even though the 'high' was over, I was ready to have a real relationship.

 

But he pulled away. He wanted more time alone and started butting heads with me over things like when we should see each other, response time to calls/texts (sometimes it takes him 15+ hours to respond to a question), or even sleeping together (he prefers to sleep alone.. yet when things were new and in a honeymoon phase he had much less problem with it than when he began to pull away).

 

I could see a lot of this as normal figuring-each-other-out stuff to a certain extent... except the pulling away. He just didn't seem to care as much.

 

I wanted to give him some space.. more alone time.. whatever. But this last week was both my birthday and thanksgiving. I got sick on my birthday and we had had plans to go out to dinner, so I had to cancel with him. I asked him to come over and watch a movie with me instead.. which he did, and it was quite nice...he was sweet, affectionate, everything.... but I couldn't help but feel like I was inconveniencing him somehow.. even though it was my birthday (he made a point of saying that he SHOULD be in bed early since he had to work early).

 

Then came Thanksgiving and it all came to a head... We'd had an invite to eat with some friends of mine for some time and I'd told him about it long ago and he told me he probably wouldn't come, but he would think about it. Well by Wednesday night I still didn't have his answer so I sent him a text asking if he knew if he was going yet. No answer. 15 hours later next day, day of, ... no answer yet. So I send another text. He says sorry he had been asleep. He often tells me he was asleep - day or night... for hours and hours on end... I tell him this worries me a bit, but okay, sure. I just tell him that I didn't know his answer. He says he thought he told me before he wasn't going. I say no... and it begins to escalate from there. Next thing I know we are on the phone and it all comes out - my feelings are hurt that he doesn't care enough to clearly answer me ahead of time... or for that matter to make an effort/have a desire to be included when my friends invite him to something... but that is kinda beside the point.

And he ends up telling me that he just wants MORE time alone. I point out that we only see each other 2-3 times a week... and our daily contact is only a couple texts. I'm not exactly an overbearing or demanding gf, and I ALSO value alone time. He agrees. He doesn't know what is wrong. I point out that he told me when we got together he was crazy about me and also said that a relationship was what he wanted more than anything else. He agrees with that too. He says he doesn't know what changed or is different right now. He says he doesn't REALLY want to break up with me... he just knows something isn't right right now... something is off and he wants to be alone and doesn't know what to do. He wishes we could be just friends right now, even though he knows that isn't fair to me... And he doesn't want to lose me because that thought breaks his heart... And that he felt worried that breaking up with me may be making a huge, huge mistake.

He just didn't know what else to do and his feelings weren't in the right place right NOW.

 

So that's it. From such a perfect beginning and me thinking I had finally met possibly the perfect guy for me... to complete collapse in just 3 months. And I honestly am not sure what I did.. or could've done different. Did me being grouchy while traveling really kill his feelings? People get grouchy sometimes... I've seen him that way.. so I doubt it. Ugh... this just hurts so bad.

 

I feel like I'm just getting older and older and more and more tired. I don't want to keep going through this. This one was supposed to last and I can't believe he just gave up on something that started out so right... Why do they always run away...

[theartofruin]

From reading that I don't really see what you did wrong. So you got grouchy on a trip? Big deal. As long as you weren't psychotic or abusive, and apologized afterwards, then that shouldn't be a problem. Couples argue all the time, and to expect you not to is unrealistic. I think he has just used that as an excuse because, for whatever reasons, he just changed his mind about a relationship. Seems odd, and unfair on you, but at least you didn't let him drag it out for too long.

 

And the "sleeping" excuse is BS. He was obviously just trying to distance himself so he could begin getting over you, which is incredibly selfish not just on its own, but because you wanted to know about an invite out with friends.

 

Don't get too down about it all, as if you're getting too old. I sometimes feel the same way (oh here we go, another tragic end to a relationship) but it's silly really. We don't need somebody to make us happy. I've already convinced myself from now on no more relationships for a long time, until I'm a lot older, to avoid the same concerns you've been having about not finding somebody; that way, if somebody special does pop up and I find myself involved, then great.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this though, I know how hard it is.

[Nixee]

Thank you... I appreciate that...

 

I don't know... I believe him about sleeping a lot. He has circadian rhythm issues.... kinda a night owl and can't sleep easy/awake at night and wakes up a lot, so then he will end up sleeping for long stretches. Plus he is a very honest type, so I doubt he would lie to me. But.. still.. it is cause for concern mainly because he used to be depressive. Either way... it sucks.

 

My feeling was that if he was truly committed and caring, he would have found a way to contact me. He knew well in advance about the invite... and I always find ways to contact him - sleeping patterns or not. Ugh...

[bungalo]

I have to concur with the artofruin nixee, I don't think you did anything wrong. I think you are with a big time "distancer." This is usually a sign of someone who is ambivalent about commitment or straight up commitment phobic. I have a hell of time with this, as I tend to atract distancers and commitment phobes too..but when they take a step back, you gotta take 2 steps back. I know it's a game and it sucks..but that's the way the dynamic works. He may not be done with you. If he isn't..you need to really make him chase you this time.

[sophia7]

Hi Nixee,

 

Sorry you are hurting. Our stories are a little similar (I just posted for the first time a few days ago, breakup with a guy after a five month relationship because he went from being "sure" two weeks prior to being "unsure" - I ended it with him immediately, not into being with someone who is suddenly ambivalent). The duration of the relationship doesn't mean it wasn't serious/significant for both of you.

 

I've been in dating relationships before where I was ambivalent, but they never had the level of connection you are talking about and so it was logical that the relationships ended - I never put those feelings out there, but stuck with the person long enough to see whether they would develop. And honestly - in adult relationships sometimes deep love DOES develop over time.

 

It seems to me when there's a sudden change like this the other person really can't give you answers - it would make sense if the relationship never really felt like it was (mutually) headed somewhere good or if it was based on discovering an aspect of your character he didn't like (e.g. lying, cheating, etc.). I'm still very much healing myself (and at 40, just a touch weary of it all), but I know that love is in actions and not in sabotaging something on a momentary whim.

 

I told my guy before breaking it off that I was taking about 800 steps back, and I meant it. Doesn't mean it isn't excruciating I just knew being in a gray space with him would lead nowhere good for either of us. Good luck to you.

[Ms Darcy]

Do you think that this breakup mirrors past breakups where you were the distancer and the guy was the pursuer? I am just wondering, as I remember your past threads.

[Nixee]

Thanks for your reply sophia... I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this too. My guy technically did break up with me I guess, but if he hadn't, I think I might have... and even in the breakup convo I almost felt like I was leading it... or leading him a bit. Like I would ask him, "so you just want to be alone?" And he would say yes that is what he felt. And I basically told him he was breaking up with me, and he agreed, but then told me he didn't actually feel like he WANTED to break up with me at all, he just didn't see another answer. So in a way... I suppose I knew all along that I would end up having to take those 800 steps back. But it is soo soo hard.

 

And I don't know... maybe it was somewhat based on discovering an aspect of me he didn't like, just as he got to know me more. He could probably point out a number of ways in which we were slightly incompatible or that we butted heads a bit... but to me they seemed small in the big picture - not dealbreakers (no two people are exactly alike, yet somehow I think he expected this?). Only blown up out of proportion when the bigger issue is a lack of properly returned feelings/pulling away.

 

 

 

I actually reflected on that a bit even out loud to him... telling him that I know what it is like to both be really into someone, and to be totally not into them. When you are very into someone you just naturally make time for them. You don't sleep through phone calls or forget to text back replies because they are always on your mind and you are excited to see them. You WANT to do things not only with them but FOR them.

When you are not into someone, your own time is more important. You may make time for seeing them, but you are still number one in your own life by far and calls/texts from that person aren't going to interrupt you.

 

So... I became worried, because clearly, at the beginning he was VERY into me... and then suddenly... less so. He was once again number one in his own life. Although he was still very affectionate and always happy to see me... he was just distant. Yet yes, in a way it started to mirror how I have acted before towards men I was not into.

 

The MAJOR difference though is that with guys I have not been into... I have NEVER had a spark with or a 'honeymoon' phase. Maybe a little fizzle... or a "he's cute enough and looks good on paper, and he's nice". But that's it.

 

But both of us this time... major spark.. no question ...