Hot and Cold (do I suck at dating?)

[m4tid]

So I met a new woman, and within a couple hours felt a lot of comfort and chemistry. This is pretty rare for me, being someone who usually doesn't even kiss on the first date. That date ended with a long and intense make-out session (this was after 8 hours of great conversation and fun, so it's not like it was just physical). We go out again a few days later (also unusual, I usually wait a week or so), have a lot of fun, more intense making out, and I start to feel closer to her. We made plans to get together again a few days later.

 

She calls me very late the next evening and invites me over. My brain had a pretty good idea what that meant, but I really wanted to see her and went. Sure enough, she was looking for some action, and wasn't very timid about it. Normally I'd find this hot, but due to unrelated circumstances and the pressure of feeling like a stunt cuckoo, I couldn't quite do the job. She seems disappointed but cool with it. I see her again a couple days later and we have a good time. She puts forth a valiant effort to seduce me, but with the same results. She says that we'll see each other again after the holiday weekend (I'm leaving town), but it feels a little distant, and she didn't return my text the next day.

 

I should say that this has happened to me once before, albeit not nearly as quickly and with less chemistry. In that case, she was distant for several days, we decided to be "just friends" for a while, and ended up in a relatively long-term relationship before too long (the performance anxiety did not persist after the first time with her). This previous girl was clinically bipolar, so I assumed that her going cold on me (more than once I might add) was due to that. With this new experience, however, it feels like a pattern. I guess I need to make totally sure that I am comfortable and ready for sex before attempting it, and accept that I'm not the James Bond type.

 

If it's not clear by now, I am no player. I am very attractive and can be quite charming when feeling social (I apologize if this sounds arrogant, but obviously I'm not here to brag). Does this send women the wrong message, making them think naughty thoughts and overlook that I'm actually a very sensitive guy who would prefer to wait awhile for sex? Is this just a huge turn-off for a woman, to think that she's about to be swept away and taken to new heights of passion by an awesome guy, only to miss out on some of the (ahem) physical aspects? Is the issue really my failure to perform, or just that we went too fast?

 

I'm sorry to write so much, but I feel very distraught. I thought I felt a stronger connection with this girl than I ever had before on emotional, intellectual, and physical levels, and after years of wondering how it was possible to fall for someone so quickly, I thought it was actually happening. Maybe I'm making too much out of a brief cool-down and we could resume dating at a slower pace, I don't know. Or maybe I was wrong about the connection and she just wanted me for my body. I feel lame and unmasculine for writing that but I'm trying to be honest here. I feel like even though I can hide it well, I'm too sensitive to play the male role properly in the dating game.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think its fair to assume that you are a decent guy who wants to get to know someone well before you jump into bed with them. Theres nothing wrong with that.

 

I think you need to maybe explain why you got nervous etc and that you just want to wait for a bit longer

[orchidrose]

It's hard to say what her exact intentions are, but remember that for many women, sex is a more emotional act than it is for men. Personally, if I'm really into a guy after three dates from an emotional and mental connection standpoint, I'm going to want to jump his bones. That connection makes a man infinitely more physically and sexually attractive to me. So I don't think it's necessarily correct to presume that because she wanted to have sex early on she only "wanted [you] for your body," but again, we can't know her true intentions.

 

That said, you weren't comfortable with that, which is totally cool. I wouldn't be surprised if your uneasiness with the situation manifested itself physically in your inability to perform. If you weren't ready for sex, you should have told her that. She may have been disappointed, but honesty and open communication are more masculine and exciting to me than any sex act. I think you should've told her from the second she invited you over late at night that you'd love to see her, but you just want to make sure that she knows that you're not ready for sex just yet.

 

I think it's also really easy for a lot of women to take a man's inability to perform as a tacit rejection, which she may be doing. I think your next step is to get back in touch with her after the holiday and suggest meeting up. If she doesn't return your text or seem enthused, you have your answer.

[Stay_home]

You sound like a genuine guy. I don't think the issue is as much the problem of your anxiety to perform as much as it is the fact that you're not telling them what you really want. And you don't have to be a James Bond of any sort to have sex.

[m4tid]

Thanks for the replies. I definitely wanted her but in retrospect was not ready from a trust/comfort standpoint.

 

I actually tried to bring it up after the second time but probably wasn't clear enough, and didn't get a clear response. It's very difficult. Would it be too weird just to come out straight and say "I had trouble because I was nervous about pleasing you, will you be patient with me?"

[orchidrose]

Thanks for the replies. I definitely wanted her but in retrospect was not ready from a trust/comfort standpoint.

 

I actually tried to bring it up after the second time but probably wasn't clear enough, and didn't get a clear response. It's very difficult. Would it be too weird just to come out straight and say "I had trouble because I was nervous about pleasing you, will you be patient with me?"

 

I think it would be great to bring it up; my ex had trouble performing the first time we tried to sleep together, and I was so impressed that when we spoke the next day he told me he was so nervous but he was excited about trying again. I wouldn't bring it up, though, when you ask her out again. You don't want to make things too heavy. If you ask her out and you guys end up hanging out again, that might be a good time to just say "Hey, I've really been having fun with you and it made me nervous about pleasing you when we got together those last few times. I just need to take that stuff slowly."

[BriarRose]

I have to be very honest to answer your post - if a man had not been able to have sex with me on two occassions I would probably not see him again - I would just think we weren't sexually compatible (even if I really liked him) or as rejection, like Orchidrose said. I am not saying that's right, it's just how I would feel. However, based on all you have written, I think you just need more time to get to know someone, that's all. But I think you will probably have to start over with someone else.

[orchidrose]

Briar, I admire your honesty. The ex that I had this problem with on our first attempt actually had the problem for the rest of our relationship. He claimed that it had never been an issue before, which may or may not have been true, but I think it ended up being a constant fear of "failing" that made it happen over and over.

[flashf0cus]

i thought we had great chemistry but, for some reason he didn't want to have sexual intercourse with me (wanted intimacy though). instead of clearly communicating what his expectations or thoughts were, he made up every excuse in the book not to do it. i thought it was really weird and hope to never ever get involved in a situation like that ever again. all types of things ran through my head as to the real reason why...it was nerve wrecking.

[m4tid]

I have to be very honest to answer your post - if a man had not been able to have sex with me on two occassions I would probably not see him again - I would just think we weren't sexually compatible (even if I really liked him) or as rejection, like Orchidrose said. I am not saying that's right, it's just how I would feel. However, based on all you have written, I think you just need more time to get to know someone, that's all. But I think you will probably have to start over with someone else.

 

I definitely appreciate your honesty, but hope you're wrong in this case! We had incredible physical chemistry up to the point where the pants came off. If it was me I'd think that my feelings for the other person would allow me to be patient with them, but maybe that's just me being a hopeless romantic.

[BriarRose]

I definitely appreciate your honesty, but hope you're wrong in this case! We had incredible physical chemistry up to the point where the pants came off. If it was me I'd think that my feelings for the other person would allow me to be patient with them, but maybe that's just me being a hopeless romantic.

 

I hope I am wrong, too. See what happens after the holiday weekend since she knows you are going out of town.....

[m4tid]

I'm pretty confused. We ended up getting together the evening I got back into town, at her strong invitation, and cuddled / fooled around all night. Didn't attempt sex. When we parted in the morning it was very sweet and felt good. Got together a few days later for dinner after work. Had a good time with laughs and some kisses but didn't feel the same energy level. Then the next evening she called me and said it wasn't going to work out, that she didn't feel a connection and it should have happened by now if it was going to. I asked if she meant a sexual connection or emotional/mental, and she was quite clear that she meant the personality connection was lacking, not the physical.

 

I can get over this without much trouble but I have no idea what happened. Was she lying, and really thinking that it wouldn't work because we hadn't had full-on sex yet? Or was she being honest, never felt a connection with me, but went with it for awhile anyway because of the fun and physical attraction? We couldn't keep our hands off each other until that last date when it was more tame, and she said she was very attracted to me and liked a lot of things.

 

The thing is, I thought I really did feel a connection, but now am second-guessing it and wondering if it was just the physical attraction clouding my perception. I did always have fun talking to her, and thought it was mutual. I just don't know what to do in the future if I can't trust my feelings for anything. Perhaps my expectations are too low, and it's not good enough to just have someone whose company you enjoy and you have chemistry with. Some level of connection that I don't understand. Or maybe it's simple and it is just the sex thing.

[FreakAndUnique]

I'm pretty confused. We ended up getting together the evening I got back into town, at her strong invitation, and cuddled / fooled around all night. Didn't attempt sex. When we parted in the morning it was very sweet and felt good. Got together a few days later for dinner after work. Had a good time with laughs and some kisses but didn't feel the same energy level. Then the next evening she called me and said it wasn't going to work out, that she didn't feel a connection and it should have happened by now if it was going to.

 

Sounds a bit harsh to me - she seems a bit judgmental.

 

You hardly know each other. I just don't think she is suitable. Basically, you need someone who is a bit more sensitive to your needs.

[EQIQ]

Maybe she was honest in what she said. Maybe she really thought the personality connection wasn't there. Hmm how to explain. Maybe she wants a guy that will be more of a "dog", more objective/neanderthal, that when put in the position of cuddling and fooling around all night after having failed before, would prey on that opportunity to prove to her that he's the man, and that what had happened before was just a silly bump on the road. I think that maybe in her head the physical connection problem, was just a sign of a personality connection problem. She wants sex, you don't (at least not so soon), so your personalities are different, and so she walks.

 

I dunno, just what I am thinking here. Not saying she is right by the way, I don't think i would be very excited about it either if I wanted to pursue a long-term, and she was jumping on me so soon.

[m4tid]

Thanks for the input. I can live with that theory. Actually it was partly good, to have my intuition validated that something felt off.

 

I think I develop feelings for people too readily, and being physically attractive and having learned to be more charming upfront, I think they're reciprocating those feelings. Then they find out that I'm actually a more sensitive guy at heart, and lose interest. I don't know how else to explain my dating history. I'm having fun getting to know someone and think I'm getting good signs, and can seemingly go as far as I want physically, but something seems to be missing.

[FreakAndUnique]

I think I develop feelings for people too readily, and being physically attractive and having learned to be more charming upfront, I think they're reciprocating those feelings. Then they find out that I'm actually a more sensitive guy at heart, and lose interest. I don't know how else to explain my dating history.

 

I have the same problem. Personally, I just don't understand what the problem is with a lot of women .... it seems like they think we have some sort of disease.

 

Unfortunately sensitivity, like height, cannot be changed. It would be nice to get some female input into this, to see what the problem actually is.

[EQIQ]

Women don't like wussies, that's all it is. At least that's how I see it, and trust me, I have the same problem, but at least I realize where I went wrong. I became a sad lil wussy, "poor lil puppy.. he is sad... Thats the quickest way for you to go from "THE MAN" to "the sad lil puppy that will be my little pet, or get kicked to the streets".

[cherubrockin]

Haha WOW! This sounds exactly like what happened to me. I went home with a girl from a bar about 2 weeks ago, a little bit of fooling around but we didn't have sex (yeah yeah I know, lay off me ). We ended up hanging out the next day, to the point where I thought this could turn into something more than just a 1 night stand. Same thing happened the next weekend, I thought there was good chemistry, but again no sex (she said she likes taking things slow so I kind of took her word on that). We went out yesterday which ended in a long make out session, but my gut was figuring out something was up. Sure enough the next morning I get a text that "there is no chemistry".

 

As a guy being as attractive as you are, she might have been shocked that you didn't want to have sex with her as soon as she wanted. She probably figured that you can get any woman you want and are just out for sex. I think she just wanted some fling. I'm in the same boat, and figured that both times we met up prior to that date that she was going home with me for one reason only. Not sure why I thought otherwise lol.

 

I think in the future, go ahead and just get it over with as soon as possible. It may sound insensitive but guys like us who want to wait are often left in the dust. My advice to you for the time being is get over this one as soon as possible and move on to the next one.

[m4tid]

Women don't like wussies' date=' that's all it is. At least that's how I see it, and trust me, I have the same problem, but at least I realize where I went wrong. I became a sad lil wussy, "poor lil puppy.. he is sad... Thats the quickest way for you to go from "THE MAN" to "the sad lil puppy that will be my little pet, or get kicked to the streets".[/quote']

 

Maybe. I acknowledge that I'm more sensitive than a lot of men but I don't really show it or think I act wussy. Certainly not appeasing anyway, most of my fun with women is gentle teasing.

 

Is it a mistake or too wussy to fool around with a woman without trying to take it all the way? I was just enjoying getting more comfortable with her without feeling the pressure of having to "perform", I'm not interested in a relationship where sex is viewed as a demonstration of power or feat of strength. Would most women be disappointed if a guy doesn't try to take it all the way, given the opportunity?

 

I'm trying to figure out if my expectations are unreasonable and I should change because most women want a guy who will dominate them as soon as he is allowed. Or if there are lots of women out there who would be more patient lovers and I'm just attracting the wrong ones? (or perhaps it really wasn't about sex in this case and I'm just focusing on it because it's one of my insecurities)

[FreakAndUnique]

I must admit that I think some women prefer dominance, because it is easier than taking any initiative. As all men know, taking initiative takes balls.

[m4tid]

This is great to hear. It makes no sense to me that you can have several passionate make-out sessions with someone then say there's no chemistry, or hang out for hours with great conversation and then say that there's no connection. I'm not judgmental about women who just want a fling - there's plenty of guys who just want that - but that's not what I'm looking for. I'd certainly like to believe that this was the case, that she ended it after realizing that I wanted more than sex. It kinda makes sense after two essential booty calls. But I want to be honest with myself here, I mean I met her on eHarmony and as far as I know that's not typically a place for hook-ups.

 

The players say that you should attract a woman and bed them as soon as possible, and after that you can have whatever you want. Is this actually a good strategy for someone who wants a LTR? Part of me feels like a chump for looking for a relationship. A female friend once told me that I shouldn't go out looking for that, just to "have fun and screw around until you meet someone you really like." Is this actually good advice?? I don't feel like I'm wired this way, but I'm certainly willing to work on being more insensitive if it will lead to a happier love life...

[cherubrockin]

I think there are good girls out there who would love to be in a relationship with you, but the vast majority I think are hypergamous. If you are willing to be hurt over and over again looking for the right girl then continue what you are doing. Being insensitive won't really lead to a happier love life, but it will protect you more. I have the same problem where I tend to fall for a girl fast, but it gets easier the more you date. I only date one girl at a time as well, I'm guessing you do as well? Perhaps trying multiple girls at once is a good idea. You are fortunate in that you probably have a large pool of girls that would find you attractive.