RELIGION RUINS LOVE

[activelife81]

the happiest 2 1/2 months of both mine and her life...and she ends it because she "heard God say that we arent meant to be together" and "doesnt feel at peace about us"...even though she also says in the next breath she "wants to be with me so bad" and "she still loves me" and "there is nothing wrong with me" and "she is very attracted to me" and "she loved my personality and my mind" and she "loves our times together"...

she is 23, same as me. she was raised in a very conservative christian home, and sent to private christian school. she has a 3 yr old daughter who i've fallen in love with almost as much as herself...she (the 3 yr old) is a sweetheart but very undisciplined due to her mom's lack of enforcement during the first 3 yrs of her life.

 

i've stayed a virigin, though she obviously hasnt. this has been the only issue that has come up between us in our relationship, and it was just a few times...and we had a great discussion about it and shared everything that was on our minds and she explained everything to me that i had incorrect assumptions about and i thought life was perfect then...the only problem in our relationship was now dealt with.

 

WRONG. now she brings up a new problem. she doesn't feel "at peace" with me because she believes God spoke to her and told her i wasnt "the one" for her. even though we had the most incredible, memorable, loving, exciting 2 1/2 months of our lives...nope...thats not enough...theres just a nagging that wont go away and she cant find a reason for it...its just "God speaking to her"...

 

she broke up with me in a "caring way" (if there is such a thing for someone who supposedly loved you to leave you) and cried as if she was losing something...and i tried to explain to her that she DOESNT HAVE TO LOSE ME, IM NOT BREAKING UP WITH HER!!! but she wouldnt budge...even through tears and heartache and seeing me cry my eyes out for the first time in my life being heartbroken by the only girl i ever truly loved and trusted and expected to be with for the rest of my life!!

 

we got along ok, and then better and after 7 days we were doing great again...and she says we are back together. and then i find out that she is STILL not "at peace with us" and that "God doesnt change his will" and she "let her emotions get the best of her"!!!!!!!!! can anyone PLEASE give me advice on how to deal with this!! it hurts so bad

[Beec]

I'd pray with her. Shew thinks it is from God, sit down WITH HER and see if you together can consult with God.

[activelife81]

i did, but religious people dont change their minds once they tell themselves that their "God" told them something.

[hurtbylove]

I'm sorry but she seems a little messed in the head.

 

God does not outright say that she shouldn't be with you

 

That's when people are taking things way out of line. Religion should be a guideline of how you live your life not as a blanket excuse for doing things

[Beec]

If she will never change her mind, then you need to move on.

 

Frankly, if you are heart set on this woman, I'd do both. Move on or try to, and then keep contact and tell her that your pray everyday for God to send you a different message, because you are the one God wants her to be with.

[activelife81]

beec, you make very watered down decisions.

[fantasia2004]

You should ask her if other than god is anything preventing her or influencing her to end the relationship quickly because of that revelation?.

[Beec]

You should ask her if other than god is anything preventing her or influencing her to end the relationship quickly because of that revelation?.

 

That's a good idea.

 

As to whether my decisions are watered down, I'm not so sure about that.

 

Something in her head is deciding against a relationship with you. One of the ways of motivating a person toward a relationship with you is, in some circumstances, to threaten the future of any possible relationship. We want what we cannot have. If you keep chasing her, then she feels she can always have you. If you dtae others, you threaten that feeling.

 

At the same time, you are out seeing if something else is there instead of chasing a woman who says she won't have you.

 

To me that tactic is more likely to achieve the best objective. Call is watered down if you wish, but it both hedges your bets and might work on her.

[ynp5143]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I can relate. My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years pulled the same thing. God told her we are not meant to be together. It also was out of the blue. I don't have any real advice to you but I just want to let you know that others have experienced something similar. Good luck to you.

[auburnslp]

I thought I was the only one facing this...now two others have experienced it...and to both of you-I am sorry and feel your pain. I will be very brief about my story...to let you know that us three are not alone...

 

My girl and I were together for three years. She was recently divorced. We loved each other very much-soul-mates kind of thing. Wanted to be together forever...

 

She was recently divorced and never reconciled it in her heard, always felt guilty and wrong for leaving him and taking the kids from him. Kept him stringing along in little ways that I always noticed-caused the only problems we ever had together. She got depressed, very, about 6 months ago-she has always been religious, but never a Jesus freak type. Well, she was so sad about her whole life, she left to see her sister and brother in law in Maryland, who are the Jesus freak fundamentalist type. Stayed there a week, and she came back and broke it off with me totally, out of the blue, telling me that the Bible has told her that she is still married to her ex husband in God's eyes, and that because of that, we are in an adulterous relationship which has to stop, and that she either has to reconcile with her ex husband or stay single for the rest of her life.

 

I did my research, and sure enough, it is all there in the Bible. If you choose to take the Bible literally, it is crystal clear on this issue, unlike others. So how do you argue it? Active, she left just as your ex did, telling me, crying, that I am the man she loves, she doesn't want to get back into her crappy marriage, she wants to be with me, etc. None of my tears, letters, or expressions of love did anything to convince her that we could stay together. It is quite a hopeless situation-we both love and want each other, we have had a few talks lately that make that even more clear, but the facts remain...she told me last week that the best way we can express our love for one another is to stay apart, for then we will be obedient to God and his plan. And we will be rewarded in Heaven. This after a long talk in which we spilled our hearts and ended up kissing...

 

Her reconciliation with her ex is progressing, slowly, as he is being very careful to know that she means all that she is telling him and is truly willing and able to give me up completely. I think he knows that she loves me, so he is being very cautious. They are leaving in a couple weeks all together for a family vacation in Cancun. I have no doubt in my mind that eventually they will be remarried, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but sit back and watch and hurt, and try to get on with my life...

 

My point is brother, that if your situation is like mine, it is so doubtful that she will change her mind...I mean, how do we argue with God? You could try one thing...you mentioned that you have prayed together...take that to the next step and meet together with your church elders, and pray on the subject with them. A good Christian counsellor could always be a possibility too-a psychologist who is Christian based...just get online and type that into a search engine and you will find one in your area. I suggested that to my girl, but she said no-understandable because she views our situation as so cut and dry. Maybe your ex would agree to that? It's worth a try...

 

I agree, religion can ruin a relationship-I am living it. I am religious, but despite everything else, I believe that if we love God, He just wants us to be happy. And we were very happy together, wanted a life together, which she has now abandoned due to a totally literal interpretation of the Bible and some ultra religious relatives. Outside forces that I have no chance against.

 

It's been three months now, and I can tell you this at least...somehow, it does very slowly get better. I still struggle, I still think of her and miss her constantly, but I am no longer literally brought to my kness from the pain. Our sons are best friends, so while I have done a pretty good job of letting go, no contact is not a viable alternative for me, not completely at least. I mentioned the other night last week-that was something we just had to do-had to ask the questions and talk it all through, as the end was so abrupt three months ago, we had never really done that. It was good and bad-bad because we fell back into the physical closeness for the evening out back on my porch, holding each other and kissing, but good because even though it was very hard to sit there and have the love of my life tell me that she still loves me and wants me, she was very clear about the fact that we will not ever be together...and that is a sense of closure. What's not to understand?

 

We will remain friendly, as long as our kids are friends. It's gonna hurt like hell I am sure when the day comes that I learn that she and her ex are going to remarry, but I will deal with that last pain and then move on completely. I am already doing so, dating casually, though I will admit it all seems so empty-it's just so hard to let go of the love of your life. But I am trying, and focusing everyday on healing and moving past all this. I hope you will do the same. Try what I wrote, try anything else that makes sense, but one day you might have to just realize that in God, we have come up against a force that we cannot beat, if they truly believe what they are saying to us. Unfortunately, that kind of conviction and belief is bullet-proof, to them.

 

I am so sorry you guys are going through this. I know how hard it is to have love snatched from us, through absolutely no fault of our own. To have a wonderful, loving relationship just end, just like that, and there is nothing we can do about it. I feel your pain, and I wish you the best luck in your journey of pain and healing. Feel free to PM me, I will most definitely respond to any questions you may have...

 

Take care of yourself...good luck...Michael

[PoloGirl]

I am sorry too hear about your misfortunes. You guys have to remember that if you pray effectively that God can help with this. If He brought you to it, He can definitely bring you through it. What most religious people don't realize is that, every hint or sign is not always brought on by God. The devil is alive and well, and he especially likes to bother people who are strong in the faith of God. SO it is possible that the devil can definitely be trying to mess up a happy home. Only time can tell.

[ComputerGuy]

I am sorry too hear about your misfortunes. You guys have to remember that if you pray effectively that God can help with this. If He brought you to it, He can definitely bring you through it. What most religious people don't realize is that, every hint or sign is not always brought on by God. The devil is alive and well, and he especially likes to bother people who are strong in the faith of God. SO it is possible that the devil can definitely be trying to mess up a happy home. Only time can tell.

 

That's a good point. Look what he did with Adam and the apple.

[auburnslp]

well, I'm back...

 

The last few weeks have been strange. The ex and I had been getting together casually, enjoying each other's company, and then things started getting strange-we were both expressing our love for each other and our feelings for each other verbally and physically. Nothing major, just kissing. We got together and stayed up all night, literally, Friday night just talking and at the end, kissing, after a few drinks. I left town and came home today, and received this email...

 

You're right, the difference in what we think is the right thing to do at this point does seem very large indeed. And since my efforts to seek Him - and not just His plan for my life but for each day individually - have been rewarded with His love and peace and mercy, I want nothing more than to continue on that path. I have no desire to stray from that again; I would be a fool to turn away from Him again, and I intend to do everything I can to glorify Him in all that I do. And I don't think that includes desiring anyone or anything more than Him, including you. And since we seem to be unable to keep that in mind when we are around eachother - whether it be too much alcohol, too little sleep, too much temptation, too little trust, an abundance of memories or a lack of forgiveness - whatever the reasons, we obviously are unable to be around eachother. I am very focused and know very well the limits of my strength and resolution, and your words both spoken and in emails take me too close to the edge of that resolve. At the very least, they are a distraction and I seem to lose the clarity I have desperately needed and now have; at most they show that we have completely different views on God's word and it's significance in our lives.

I don't know why I thought that we could peacefully be around eachother and communicate without the past getting in the way, but apparently I misjudged that completely - my mistake. Clearly we felt the need to let the other know the degree to which He has healed our hearts, and how much more we are willing to let Him heal us, and I think that we differ on the latter. Otherwise we wouldn't be putting ourselves in situations where we say and do things that hinder that healing.

If you think about the last few months, it was helpful - no it was critical - to cease contact, and the only way to not digress to the idea of continuing a sinful relationship no matter how impossible it seemed to do, we were being successful in doing so, and in that alone, we were obeying our Father in repenting and receiving His forgiveness.

I realize that you don't exactly believe it as completely and simply as I do, but therein is where our differences lie, like you said. But I know that you want to be able to put me behind you as quickly and painlessly as possible, and that can't happen with interactions such as the past few we've had. You know as well as I do that that much is true. And I won't presume to speak for you, but as for me, I have a long way to go before I become the child that He created me to be. So I guess I will have to go back to asking you not to email anymore which will keep me from reading things and feeling the need to respond which is pointless for me because you don't understand where I am coming from and or how serious this all is for me, how committed I am.

I really wish we were on the same page as far as our beliefs go, but at least we are on the same page as far as wanting the best for eachother, wanting eachother's life to be blessed and in His hands. Maybe we can keep that in mind throughout this time...

(her name)

 

There it is, that's that. Silly of me to get my hopes up again-dang it, now I will hurt again-a rather large set-back in my healing. Well, it does hurt like hell, but not nearly as bad as it did when this happened three months ago. I guess because it is not as great of a shock...

 

Time to let go, time to finally let her go. I hope you all will wish me luck-I am going to need it. Life must go on...

 

Be well, and thanks for all the support I have gotten over the past several months...Michael

[hurtbylove]

I take back my previous post about her on this subject.

 

She seems articulate and actually *gasp* serious about her religion. Just the way she put together the e-mail tells a lot about her.

 

It is unfortunate that this is happening, you both obviously like each other, but she wants to not have a "sinful" relationship.

 

I don't know if this is just a phase she is going through or she is really going to follow through with this. But it is something that should be applauded if her heart is true.

[auburnslp]

well I agree to a point...even though I am faced with a broken heart, I admire her resolve...one of the many reasons I fell in love with her in the first place...allow me to post my final reply to her...I will never talk to her again...it's just now time to move on...but maybe, just maybe someone out there can tell me if this last goodbye was fair, kind, or not? She will never reply, and I want an opinion, is this a nice farewell???

 

Dear (her name)...

I understand. And I agree. Considering the fact that the way things are now and the way they will be in the future, there is no reason to continue what was going on. All it did was raise hope in me, hope for a future with you, even though in my mind I knew that hope was gone. But it raised hope again in my heart, and that is not healthy for me. If there is no hope at all for us, then I agree with you. It is time to begin to let you go completely, so I can heal, and move on with my life. Hard as that will be, it seems as though it is truly time to do so.

Sorry for my part in the compromising of your resolve. Please know that it was not intentional, or calculated. It just sort of happened. Progressed, from the start of the notion we both had that we still enjoy eachother's company so why can't we hang out? And as I had feared, we have learned that we cannot, without hurting the resolve and the path of your life and faith. Sorry that my love for you will prevent us from being just friends. Please know that I would have liked that had it been at all possible. But sadly, as I feared, it doesn't seem to be.

I really hope nothing I said or did made you angry or hateful towards me...I was just doing what my heart directed-sorry it was all so wrong. And the last sorry...sorry if I have hurt you in any way...through my written or spoken words, or my actions...

Our differences in opinion are huge...and who is right? Who cares...as long as what we feel is right works for us, then who cares. There are so many differences of opinion regarding God's Word and the meaning therein...shoot, even the different denominations of Christianity have pretty big differences of opinion on many issues. Who is right? Who cares...as long as we are true to what God tells us in our hearts, we are all right. We can all agree to disagree, and move forward with the knowledge that we are being true to our Father. And I will respect your feelings, belief, faith, and wishes. And that to me is the true measure of faith-that if we truly feel led one way, truly know that God has spoken to us and if we follow Him then, well, then we are being obedient and faithful. Not one person can say they know another's faith or the truths that God has revealed to another-to do so displays an arrogance and ignorance to the ways of the Lord-it just doesn't work that way, not in my mind and heart and soul at least. Just because we have been shown one thing does not mean that it applies to all-and to believe that your interpretation of the Word and the things that God has revealed to you is the only way, the truth for all, well, sorry, but that is narrow minded and egocentric and a fundamentalist mentality...you know, just because you feel so strongly about certain issues and have a ton of support behind you regarding them does not make you wrong or right...on our particular situation, you very well may be right-I would actually say that it is likely, but I just know that there are an equal amount of people of faith out there that would not be so sure. So who is right? Again, who cares. All that matters is what you feel led to do-and again I will respect that, as I hope you respected the fact that I wrote you the things I did-and all that matters is that we are obedient to God in what we feel led to do. I felt led in my heart to allow our recent situation to progress, to see if the Lord would shine some light on what He truly wants us to do. I allowed that to happen only because I felt led to do so-despite what my heart and mind was telling me. A few weeks ago I affirmed that on the phone to you when I told you that it was a bad idea because it was so hard for me for us to be together. But as it all progressed, and with the things that God has revealed to me, I felt led to just let it go-let it happen, knowing that I could be wrong or right, but God would show me what He wants, either way. And with your email today, He has shown me. He has shown me that He has a word and plan for you that doesn't include me-I trust in this, and will totally respect it. I felt other things, felt led in other directions, by God and not by Satan-but sometimes we just have to let things happen and see what He truly wants. And again, your email shows me what He wants. So I will be obedient and let you go. Even though I will miss you, I will do so.

Well, I guess it wasn't so short, sorry for that-whoops, said I wouldn't say sorry again. I just mess up with all my intentions, don't I? I guess what I have been trying to say is that I was never trying to manipulate anything, that you know as well as I do that it all just happened, and everything happens for a reason. That I will respect your wishes. And further, it might be easier if we limit contact severely-tomorrow's plans sound fine...give me a call and I will have (my son) ready to go-but as it is very hard for me to be around you without wanting to be close, as the sight and smell of you brings back all those memories, it might be best if we go back to the dropping off in the driveway and same for picking up-it might have to be that we try to get the kids together when (her ex) has them or (my ex) has them. I just know that the prospect of a future with you and I destined to be apart will dictate pain for me in seeing you, in seeing you and (her ex) or anyone else together, and it seems to be time for me to start protecting myself from that pain, and to start to heal, truly heal, and to be able to begin to move on with my life. I'm gonna miss you (my ex), and in some ways I will always love you-but now, clearly, it is time to move on. And as you said, to do so, I think it will be best to have little or no contact at all, and with our kids being friends, we will just have to find a way to make that happen. It will be beneficial to all, no doubt about it.

Be well (my ex), best of luck to you, and I will hope forever that you are right, and I was wrong, and in that, there will never be regrets...Michael

[Mun]

Wow! What a letter. You did very well to focus on yourself and on your needs now.

 

The last things you say are so strong, I am sure they will weigh on her conscience. Whether or not she is making the right decision here, she will have to live with it regardless. It will be a burden if she discovers that she was wrong.

(Am I making any sense here?)

[auburnslp]

you make perfect sense...that is why I asked you to marry me several weeks ago...that is very refreshing...Michael

[HappyFunnyFoo]

My friend had the exact same thing happen to him. His girlfriend of two years broke up with him because she said that "I can't see living with someone who cannot see the beauty of God like I do," my friend is an atheist, but still a pretty nice guy. Within three days she still claimed to be in love with him, though.

 

My relationship basically ended because of religious tension too, but not from my girlfriend; the fact that I am a deist / weak atheist convinced her mother that I was less of a man than I should be. Finding someone who's 19, virgin, took up a pledge of virginity with his partner, is able to uphold it, and sacrifices as much as possible for his partner is something that should've been held onto, however, even if that kind caring guy is atheist.

 

Not to stir up the flames, but I actually do read some of the Bible, and no matter how much some conservative Christians champion faith as a key factor in deciding partners / marriage, let it be known that 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, verse 13 states: So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

 

If you actually believe in this sacred text I highly suggest following the logic written in it. Faith is important, but Love is MORE important for living a good life. That's according to the Bible. You should spend some time with her reading this stuff. If she truly is a believer she will most assuredly see the logic that is already there and make an about-face. I'm not religious at all, but there are some good things that can be yearned from the Bible that might help you two work it out, especially considering her faith.

 

-HappyFunnyFoo

[auburnslp]

are you 19??? Or was that your friend? If you are 19, I have to say this-you may be the most intelligent and mature young man I have ever encountered-good Lord, your future is so bright...

 

thanks for the kind words, and the hope they imply, but for me, the hope is gone. Unfortuantely, I have learned through this experience that when someone's mind is made up regarding their faith convictions, it is impossible to change it. Believe me I tried, gently, then directly, with nothing but love expressed. I basically wrote her one last time last night, to say I understood-and that I will respect her wishes, and we will have no further contact. And I meant every word. We are done, and now is the time to find a way to heal-there is no longer room in my heart for hope-it is just time to heal. She was the love of my life, and I will miss her forever. But life must go on-just have to find a way to do that-I guess that is why I am on this site.

 

So, any advice as to how to truly move on would be appreciated. I know the basics-no contact, that one is easy, already done-find some hobbies, focus on myself...date when I am ready, etc. Anything else? Or is it just true that at his point it will be only time to heal all wounds? I know that one day my heart will stop bleeding...I look forward to that day very much. I guess to sum it all up, life just sucks sometimes. And I know also that eventually, it will get better. Just wish it was today...

 

Thanks again, and my best to all...Michael

[Beec]

I think time is the only thing that would or could help.

 

One of the things that you may not realize is that religion is not something that prevents her from loving you, but it is preventing her, in her mind, from continuing the relationship. In other words, she won't consider it because she doesn't see being married to someone who does not share her faith.

 

I have had religious issues with others before too. One woman I dated wanted to make a deal with me. If we had sons, they would follow my faith and daughters her faith. I couldn't make a deal like that. If I am serious about my faith, then don't I need to try to teach all of my children about it?

 

I think knowing that your mate is going to be suppotive of you raising children within a faith can become an issue.

[auburnslp]

yes, you are right...to an extent...first of all, she had always brought up the fact that she was more religious than me and worried about us blending a family that wasn't completely on the same page there...we were close, but her interpretation of the Bible is totally literal, she believes in Creationism and my beliefs lie more towards the intelligent design thing, which does not discount the fact of evolution but also does attribute that process to God's design-anyway, you are right, she does love me-more than she loves her ex husband...but because she has chosen to take a completely literal view on the Bible and has family supporting that decision, she has been told by the Bible that she is still married to her ex husband, and can marry no other, so she feels obligated to reconcile, after three years with me. It's awful because I cannot argue it in any way-there is no way to shake someone's faith when they are totally committed to it. So now I have to let her go.

 

Anyway, thanks for the words and the post...any support right now is greatly appreciated...