feel good and then not so much..

[jaydee19]

Almost 2 months of NC, and it was almost ruined in a night.

 

A mutual friend of me and my ex was having a going away party for another mutual friend. I had been given notice about the party last weekend, but overlooked the fact that my ex was going to be there. I thought of it this week and was afraid of how I would act. ( I had not seen him in 3 months). I could not back out of going because I thought it would be rude, and it would also mean that I am allowing my ex to have control over my social life with mutual friends.

I wanted to avoid speaking to him at any cost, without appearing bitter in any way. I simply believe speaking to him would mean breaking the hard work put into NC and therefore putting me back right where I started. At the same time, deep down, I wanted to talk again because I still care for him.

 

Things turned out as I wanted them to. We would manage to miss each other by a few minutes every time, (he came early then left to pick a friend up, I arrived while he was gone but left to buy some items missing for the party, he came back while I was out, then when I returned he had gone to get some beer) and so on. Towards the end of the get together I was relieved that it had worked out that way.. Neither one of us had to avoid each other, it simply turned out that way.

 

Well when me and my friends that went with me were walking out to the deck to say goodbye to everyone.. my ex walked into the house, and he was accompanied by our friend who is moving away. I would have left, but I wanted to say goodbye regardless of the awkwardness. Both came outside and I walked towards my friend and hugged him and we walked towards the opposite end of the deck to chat for a bit (he probably knew how awkward it was) I did not say anything to my ex, I did not even look at him once. I chatted with my friend and said goodbye and went to find the people I came with and while I was with them my ex walked up behind me, my back was turned so I pretended I was busy when he said hello to all of us.. I didn't say anything, my friends greeted him and I acted like I did not hear anything. We ended up leaving and that was all.

 

I managed to not see him once, which made me feel good. I also felt better knowing that I am able to deal with something like this without breaking down. But today I am beginning to feel bad about it. My friend said he kept glancing at me while I spoke to other people which made me wish he would have tried to make an effort to speak to me. And now I find myself wanting to contact him..

 

I don't understand why something good can make me feel so down..

It seems like I am back to where I first started.

[DylanNotorious]

Try not to contact him. If you do, he might ignore you out of revenge - like you ignored him at the party.

 

You will feel worse if he dosn't reply. At the end of the day, if he wants to get back together he can be the one to try. I mean, if you can easily get in contact with him, so can he for you.

[jaydee19]

I don't think I will. I want to, but I think about how pointless it is to do so.. I thought he was bothered by me ignoring him, but it could be his ego was hurt.

He has tried to remain friends, but does not understand that I can't do that.

I am only feeling like I need to contact him because I fear I was too cold towards him and it could ruin a future friendship.