my boyfriend changed way he approaches sex completely

[BluGurl1980]

Over the past couple of months my boyfriend of 3 years has been changing sexually. I have asked him what is wrong and he says nothing- or that the is stressed. But I dont really understand how that can explain the changes. He used to be a intimate passionate guy. Kissing, cuddling, and making love.

 

Now things are slightly different.... He hardly wants to have sex- he says he always has a headache or is nauseaed. And if all else he says he jsut doesnt want to. He is 23- is that normal? He used to want to have sex daily. Another things is that he has stopped kissing me as much. It is also mainly peck kisses. During sex there is no kissing.

 

I guess this is the part that really started bothering me. When we do mess around he wants me to face away from him- with my back against his chest- he says it is easier for him. He also has gotten really into sex doggystyle and also seems to be more interested in anal sex than regular sex. I guess that is making me feel like he is not attracted to me anymore= he tells me it is not so- but i feel insecure. Also he has stopped giving me oral sex- but expects I should give him oral sex. I thoguth well maybe it was a mood- he hasnt given me oral sex in abt 2 months.

 

also he has gotten to where he wants to take a vibrator to make me cum before sex. then he has sex and is done is what literally seems like 2 minutes- because we have sex so infrequently. Then suddenly he is in a dont touch me mood. He used to be the complete opposite. Also he confided in me that he fantaises about watching another guy have sex with me and having a threesome with another guy.

 

I dont think he is cheating on me- lol- i know all girls say that. But I really dont. I know he is buying a new business and is stressed over that- but that doesnt account for a complete diff approach to sex. The other thing is these things happen EVERYTIME- it hasnt been just once or twice. I mean I would love to just have one romantic night- i am not closed minded to trying new things- but I want to be made feel special and cared for. And would love to know maybe how I can talk to him or something. I would love any and all advice cause I dont really have anyone around me that I can talk to about- this would be just too good of gossip to pass up. =) Thanks for reading.

[AzurePhoenix]

Do you feel like you have 85 pieces of a 100 piece puzzle? At 23 a normally healthy guy never has a headache. This is an avoidance tactic.

 

My first thought was that he was having an affair or had an affair. This would explain his change as it would be motivated by guilt at having cheated on you. The aspects that are complicating and confusing is that he is having both a sexual *and* an intimacy issue with you.

 

This is usually motivated by one of three things, guilt, anger or revulsion.

 

A threesome with a man.. that is a new twist.

 

I do not have all of the answers here, so bear with me. As I carefully read your post it appears to me that your boy friend is going through a bit of a crisis. It could be related to many aspects of his life, including the higher stress levels he is experiencing due to his new business. However it also could be many other things such as guilt over his having cheated on you, revulsion towards sex for some reason (hidden memory or recent exerpience), or it could be his reaction to some change in you?

 

I have written maybe 10 different paragraphs on this and have deleted them all.. Lets start at the basics and go from there..

 

I think it is safe to say that something has changed. The question is what changed, and upon discovering that, how it will impact your relationship in the long term (we know how is has changed in the short term.)

 

Guilt is based somehow that he does not deserve you and he cannot face you because of something he has done. Usually it is the perception of a failed obligation or breaking of a trust.

 

Revulsion is a broken taboo, spoken or non spoken that in some way he has experienced a crossing of a line in his sexuality or sexual orientation.

 

Anger is repression that he is somehow kept from his desires.

 

Can you give more information on what may have happened several months ago?

 

Best,

 

~AzurePhoenix

[Beec]

Well, his lack of desire would worry me more than anything else. Find out if he has any other outlet for sex. Is he checking out porn and having his way with himself? Is he sneaking off to run his fantasies through his mind? etc. Something like that may be getting in the way, or it could be stress or even familiarity. You are there every night and things became old hat.

 

His other preferences, I don't see anything wrong with if you like it to, but he is not letting you have your way. If you want to get your way, then get in his head. Try different things to turn him on to doing what you want him to do. Tie him up; tie him up in his sleep then wake him up straddlign his head and order him to get to work; or do the same thing and straddle his equipment; or both; write a nasty little fantasy about how you woke up tied up with unindentifiable man's head beneath your legs licking you, driving you mad, licking you everywhere front and back; shave; shave him; just cut him off for a week or two; take him hkking in the woods for a weekend and go au naturel; just come up to him one night and order him to do you in the living room; strip and attack him in the kitchen; use toys on him; change something, change everything, do anything you have to to get inside his mind and see both what turns him on and otherwise.

 

Know your limits. If another man joining you or doing you with him watching is off limits, let him know.

[johnagent1911]

"At 23 a normally healthy guy never has a headache. This is an avoidance tactic."

 

What?!

 

Maybe he's tired. Maybe he doesn't feel up to it. Things change, people change. Lets not jump to conclusions. How about asking him about this issue?

 

.

[Gilgamesh]

Wow, you definatly need to find out whats going on with him, he is being very selfish, and self centered. even if his libido drops because of stress or something physical, there is no reason to treat you like a piece of meat.

 

Its almost as if he has sex with you, just to get it over with, his not caring for your needs and desires just tells me he doesnt care about you anymore. he has sex with you doggie style and anal, because its the least intimate or romantic. He no longer sees you as a partner or companion, but as an object, a boy toy.

 

he may have been a sweet nice guy at one time, or maybe you just imagined him to be, one thing for certain, this is not what you deserve now. you can try counseling together to see what it is that has made him that way, but frankly I dont see him changing anytime soon.

 

Your giving everything and not getting anything in return, not balanced, not good. I know you wish it was like it was, but he is a different person, and if you had just met him today you wouldnt want anything to do with him, only reason you are with him now is because of who he once was, and because of the "investment" you have in him, you can try and "fix" him, but we all know he has to want to be a better lover, and right now he has chosen to be a selfish man.

 

Oh as for the headache excuse, no headache ever made me say no to sex, and sex is actually good for headaches, he only tells you that when "he isnt horny" because its all about him.

[AzurePhoenix]

Jonagent1911..

 

Have you ever refused your girlfriend sex becuase you had a headache?

 

Her statements indicate that it has happened multiple times.

 

If he is without health issues... and as she writes he has stated that "nothing is wrong or he is stressed"..?

[Finch]

There is a lot of speculation around here, and the truth of the matter is that none of us have the answers. We can only speculate.

 

You need to confront your boyfriend because the answers lie with him, and only with him. If he is reluctant to confide in you then you must take action and let it be known that this is an issue that isn't going to rest.

 

As a guy, I have had doggy style sex quite often and it wasn't because I loved the other person any less. In fact, I loved that person very much. Same with the oral sex.. I never enjoyed oral and as much as I loved her, I only did it several times throughout our entire relationship.

 

If you two cannot resolve things between yourselfs then it might be advisable to contact professional help and seek counseling. However, let it be known that he might be extremely uncomfortable with that and this could provoke more issues.

 

Hopefully everything works out. Good luck.

[johnagent1911]

I refused sex over many different reasons. I've refused it over headaches before. Sex is great and all but if I have a bad headache I don't want to do too much until it passes. If I was under stress I would like to just sit back and relax. Some times guys get bored with sex too you know. There are a tons of reasons why he might be like this. Ask what's his deal and nothing more. DO NOT jump to conclusions unless you want to fight with him. I know if I wasn't in the mood in the past week(Or month.), and all stressed out and my girl came up to with some BS about me cheating on her because I didn't feel like giving her pleasure I'd go off, I would be pissed. HOWEVER, if you came to me and ASKED why I haven't been myself lately this would be okay.

 

.

[Beec]

I would not be so hard on this guy as many of the other posters. But, I think that there is more going on in his head than he lets on. Something has changed his style of sex play.

 

I see four choices: counselling; talking about it with him; leaving him; or trying to motivate him through other positive means. The least drastic is the one I would pick first. Try a few different things to turn him on. If nothing works, try talking. If nothing works, then counselling, if it is still bad and the relationship is not worth it, then leave.

 

Of course, I almost always favor a positive proactive manner. But, no one solution fits all situations well. One need only look at the number of failed realtionships I've had to know that.

[Princess777]

Hmmm.... as I read your post I went through a series of "maybes"..... but the bottom line is that it is absolutely apparent to me that he is interested in having sex with a man. He may have even already tried this. I think you need to talk with him seriously and find out if he is feeling the need to experiment sexually with a man and if so, tell him you need to gracefully bow out of that if that is not for you to witness or be a part of.

 

Just my opinion.

[Beec]

Hmmm.... as I read your post I went through a series of "maybes"..... but the bottom line is that it is absolutely apparent to me that he is interested in having sex with a man. He may have even already tried this. I think you need to talk with him seriously and find out if he is feeling the need to experiment sexually with a man and if so, tell him you need to gracefully bow out of that if that is not for you to witness or be a part of.

 

Just my opinion.

 

 

Oooooooh, I never saw that. Maybe.

[Gilgamesh]

That thought did cross my mind, and it is a possibility.

 

If the issue was just a low sex drive, I wouldnt be so harsh, its the fact that he doesnt seem to care about her feelings at all, its not just the one thing, but everything else.

 

Of course, guys can get tired or bored with sex, of course you can feel ill and just not feel like it, butwith this guy its like that All the time, he doesnt care to please her or romance her like before, when he is in the mood, he gets it over with as soon as possible.

 

Doggie style/rear entry is also one of my favorites, but i make sure to mix plenty of romance and affection no matter what, an occasional passionate quickie is fine, but everytime?. I look at this mans actions as a whole, and it dont look good, something is not right and blugirl needs to get to the bottom of this. No matter what the reason, he should not treat her like this.

[BluGurl1980]

I really am trying to be understanding about this whole issue. And here is a lil more info that might help.I run and try to stay in shape, and people including my bf tell me i am attractive. And I cant think of any thing that i have done to change myself lately. Dont get me wrong- he is a really great guy. He isnt mean to me, and tries to take care of me. It is just this whole intimacy & sexual thing.

 

I am not obsessed with sex- just have a healthy sex drive. I mean if he is sick i feel bad for him. But I guess I am getting tired of hearing "i have a headache" because I will offer to go get him tylenol or soemthing for it- and he doenst want to take any. I mean if you have a headache why not take soemthing to make it go away. Awhile back i tried to see how long it would take for him to approach the idea of having sex with me- a lil over 2 weeks. Then it was because the topic of threesomes came up- and he started talking about us being with another guy. YES THAT REALLY FREAKS ME OUT!!! i did ask what he would like to happen after he watched a guy have sex with me- and he said he would let whatever happened happen. ( is that hidden for he would be up for having sex with the guy as well?) But he has also talked of having another girl- but mainly it is about another guy.

 

I am very openminded. And at one time we had an very adventurous sex life, yet there were the romantic passionate moments. I have no probs being tied up for vise versa- neither did he. I tried to tie him up the other day wearing very little- and yet again he didnt feel good. I have no problem with sex dogdgstype- but that has become the ONLY way he wants to have sex.

 

I guess the worst part is I have wondered if he is interetsed in sex with a guy. I guess the reason for that is I was talking to a lady i work with about the guy my bf is getting the business off of. She mentioned that there were a lot of rumors about this businessman being bisexual and having sex with college boys. So i mentioned this to my bf- he went OFF. Like he started telling me I should never repeat gossip and all of this stuff. And was really pissed. Oh yea- alot of these problems slowly started after he took his new job- and suddenly a couple of months later he is buying the business.

 

I guess I am just really scared that after 3 years I am the wrong type for my bf. I am just really depressed over it. He says that him acting this way is just his way of dealing with stress. But I would think being close to someone you care about would help.

 

I realize i have wrote alot- but if you have any more questions- pm me. I am ready to do just about anything, i have even considered moving out to see if his feeling with change.

[OceanEyes]

Hiya BluGurl1980 ...

 

I hope you don't mind, but while I was on messenger today I asked a male friend of mine to read your post and make a comment on your situation.

 

This is probably going to sound bad, but he is a gay man and thinks very strongly that your boyfriend is a closet homosexual. He told me that when he was first coming out of the closet, that he was almost the exact same way. The "suggesting a threesome with another guy was pretty much the biggest indicator for him.

 

I didn't want to comment before because I had suspicions about him being gay or trying to suppress it, but wanted a gay man's opinion first.

 

The way I see it, it's better to know these things now and not after being married for 10 years after having 3 kids.

[BluGurl1980]

nah i dont mind you asking at all- thanks.

 

I guess i had given this gay thing some thought and got to thinking- if we are having sex from behind- and with his interest in anal sex- do you think he could be fantaiszing about being with a guy.

[Gilgamesh]

with this new info, It does seem to lean towards him being in the closet, he may be strugling with those feelings and thoughts.

 

Him getting all super defensive just because you mentioned that gay guy, also seems to indicate something in that area.

 

Its sad too, you seem to be a woman that would do anything to please her man, any hetereosexual man would die to have someone like you.

 

Your going to have to talk to him,and find out whats going on. because you cannot go on like this forever. you have the right to be loved and receive affection and attention.

[AzurePhoenix]

Glad to see some folks had more guts that I did. This was the topic that I wrote and rewote 10 times about and finially elected to approach it obliquely. My admiration to you Princess777.

 

I concur that upon carefully reading your original post and now confirmed with your subsequent post that your boy friend is very likely either bi-sexual or homosexual who is just now realizing it.

 

This clearly explains his behavior on all counts.

 

I am privy to a tragic story about a couple that I have been friend with for 20+years, and he is/was bi-sexual. It is still playing out, but the net net is that she did not know until after he was diagnosed with AIDS and she tested postitive for HIV that he was bi-sexual. He apparently did not want to face the emotional turmoil of the confrontation with his wife and what it would do to their two children. Now, likely both kids will graduate high school with at least one parent deceased.

 

I have found in my life that the easy answer is almost never the best answer. My heart goes out to you.

 

~AzurePhoenix

[marah11607306435]

Beware!

I went through this myself. Never realized why the "long long" showers.

I don't want to hurt anyone as I was hurt by my ex- but this guy is emotionally gone he just can't make the break physically yet--he doesn't want to hurt you that is ONE thing in his favor.

I would find someone else and dump him--honestly I was in a 14 year relationship and my ex displayed a lot of the same signs you are mentioning and then he left so YOU do it sister!

[Princess777]

Hello again,

 

Well a lot of times I DO jump to conclusions and I need to try not to do that, but it just seemed really obvious to me that he has that curiosity there, and that he may have already experimented with another man, without your knowledge. Of course, only the man knows this, so I would just really try to talk with him on a level that he knows is non-threatening and make sure he doesn't feel like you're going to make fun of him or tell anyone his secret, should he wish to disclose his new desires to you. He is most likely feeling ashamed of these desires and is frustrated at the moment, hence his behavior toward you.