Is it really me?

[bg]

I'm confused and I joined this forum because I think it's time I heard someone else's opinion. Here's the situation:

 

I've been with my boyfriend now for abuot 18 months. We have lots in common, we enjoy being with each other and we are both (or claim to be) very much in love. The problem lies in how he deals with (or fails to deal with) my emotional needs. Now let me start by saying I'm not the most needy person in the world -I have fairly high self esteem - but there are some things that I think I deserve. One of those things is the same consideration and respect that I give him. If he tells me he's going to be home a certain time I expect a phone call if he's going to be late...not 2 hours after the time he said he'd be here. If we make plans to go way for the weekend I expect that to be a priority, not something that happens only if nothing else gets in the way. I expect him to want to spend time with me, plan activities with me, tell me what's going on in his life when it's relevant, not days after the fact.

 

I don't think that these needs are unreasonable. I consistently pay attention to make sure that his needs are met and it makes me happy to do little things for him that will make his life easier. He has no problem telling me what he needs to make his life better and happier and he is absolutely unwilling to make any compromise that means his needs suffer in any way. Whenever I express MY needs, however, he claims that I am not in touch with myself, that he can't possibly fulfill my needs until I make myself happy. It all seems like he's just trying to psychobabble me into beleiving that I'm the one in the wrong and the responsibility for getting everything I want out of our relationship is purely mine.

 

So am I really messed up? He insists I need to see a shrink and I think I'm 100% in control of my brain and my feelings...I know what I need, I just don't know how to convince him that he has to contribute to it. He won't even listen when I try to explain my side.

 

what's up?

[hurtbylove]

It most certainly is a problem if you lay out the problems you think the relationship is having and he is unwilling/uncomprimising.

 

Relationships take so much work and it's a whole lot of give and take.

 

From what you said it looks like you have been doing a whole lot of giving and he isn't doing the same favor to you.

 

There is something wrong if he keeps insisting that you are the one having issues and is unwilling to change.

 

Maybe he is just starting to feel comfortable in the relationship and is just taking you for granted.

 

I think you need to do something to jolt his awareness that if he doesn't really shape up that it could lead to more serious consequences.

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I know it has been two weeks but here is another answer...

 

You look pretty healthy to me.

 

I don't believe that what you face is a "shrink" issue.

 

I am convinced however that there is no right or wrong in what you face. The way to deal with is to communicate and to create space to share what is really going on now.

 

Relationship boundaries work both ways.

 

Right now, it feel like if he takes one more step, the relationship will feel limiting or constricting for him. That's what he is saying. You two have obviously different levels of commitment in mind.

 

He obviously does not want to make concessions.

 

Believe me, you won't force him. If you try to push him, it won't work. He'll react and you'll end up having fights about this.

 

Let go 100% of trying to control him in any way. This is a huge turn off and will only create the opposite result.

 

The way to handle it is to step back slightly. Desinvest a bit emotionally. Simply lower your relationship expectations and stop taking care of his needs.

 

Next time you are about to do something for him, hold on for a second and give this atention to yourself instead.

 

I am not saying it is easy to do but it does work. Be selfish and think of yourself first. That way, you'll bring back the balance. It does work!

 

Shift your "relationship model" and whatever you want to give, give it first to yourself.

 

You can as well have alternatives. Expand your social life and don't depend on him for validation. The situation you are in right now makes you very dependent on him giving it to you or not.

 

Find other sources of validation. Establish new connections. In other terms. Focus your power first on yourself.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck with that and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[OceanEyes]

Vital Coaching makes some very good points, and I agree.

 

I might be younger, but in my experience, I've found that asking a man to change his ways for you in any way will result very negatively. In fact, I have always been most desirable to men when I've been single; fun-loving, up-for-anything, and mostly - I never compromise my own needs over those of a male friend. I take care of myself, and if starts getting emotionally/ romantically invested in the friendship, I don't change those needs. So in other words, I accept who he is, and at the same time, don't give more of myself than is necessary or than I really want to.

 

However, bg is also nowhere near being unreasonable. What she's asking for is some respect. Politely suggesting that he calls to let her know he's going to be late if they have plans is really just the polite thing to do. It's not about "giving space" or comittment. It's about being considerate. Even if I was dating a guy for a month I would expect that he keeps me posted if he's going to be that late, so I'm not waiting around for him and can make other plans.

 

BG, I would definitely listen to Vital Coaching. When you pull back that emotional contribution that he's used to and develop your own sources of validation, you might be surprised that he'll be more interested in you than he's ever been.

[bg]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I agree that disinvesting emotionally is probably the only way for me to deal with this, however I am still struggling with the respect issue. How do I point out that he's being disrespectful in a way that doesn't seem nagging? It doesn't seem to matter how I approach the issue - he immediately gets defensive and either yells or walks away, insisting that I'm being immature. It seems like there's no good way to bring it up!

[OceanEyes]

I am assuming that by 'disrespect', you mean that he's still not calling when he says he will and is not prioritizing things in your relationship? Not sharing what goes on in his life with you? I only ask because it's been a while since you've posted here.

 

This is a bit of a difficult situation, because if he's already walking away from you saying you're being immature, it's because he's making a choice to do so. He's not letting you in as much as you've let him in. In other words, he likes the idea of being in a relationship, but he doesn't like to have to call and check in with you all the time, and doesn't feel the need to share everything that he does with you.

 

I think these things could change with time. If you've already brought this up with him and he's maintaining his ways, then you either have to accept that he's not exactly who you want him to be and hope for change, or send a clearer message that you mean business.

 

I've been in similar situations where I felt my relationship was lacking somewhere. The thing I learned is that if after you communicate with your man several times about what you want, and you're still not getting it, that he's making either a subconscious or conscious decision to maintain his behaviour. You can't force someone to call you all the time, or to prioritize your relationship. You can ask, but if he's not responding, it's either something you have to accept and try to deal with it, or ask yourself whether or not the two of you are compatible long-term.

 

When I compare my ex-boyfriend with my current boyfriend, I see the difference in compatibility. When I communicate my needs with my current boyfriend even once, he listens and respects my feelings. My ex would seem to, but would maintain his behaviour even though he knew I hated it. I think men do this subconsciously as a way to say, "I'm not ready to change my ways for you yet". The reason things have worked out so well with my current boyfriend is because we put each other on a pedestal and honour each other's feelings, needs, and views.

 

To me, it just seems like your boyfriend has different ideals of what a relationship should be. He wants to be free to go about his life with little interference from you. He doesn't want to have to call you every time he's going to be late, and he doesn't want to take on the responsibility of making plans days before because he doesn't want to have to think that far ahead. I don't think this means he doesn't care for you, but at this point of his life, he's not ready for that full-on comittment of including you 100% in his life. I see one of two options:

 

1. Wait and hope for him to sort of 'grow up' and include you more in his day-to-day life. Basically, accept his ways, put your own needs aside for the time being to support his, even if you think he may be selfish.

 

2. Decide whether or not you and this man are even compatible, and if you really don't like taking the back burner.

[bg]

This past week has offered a lot of challenges in this relationship, to the point where I almost said "enough!" last night. To further explain what I see as disrespect, here are a few examples of what's been going on.

 

-I've been telling my boyfriend for the past year or so that it would mean a lot to me if we could go away for just one or two nights and have a romantic vacation together. It doesn't need to be expensive or lavish, i just want a getaway where we can bond and learn more about each other without the distractions of phones and computers and other people. He tells me that he absolutely does not understand this need and sees no reason why he should fulfill it. Now, in my mind, if you love someone and you know something is important to them, you try and let them have it if it means only a small compromise on your part. It doesn't matter if you understand or not, just knowing that it's important to your partner should be enough to make that sort of sacrifice. I feel that the fact that he won't do this for me is disrespectful of the things that are important to me.

 

-2 nights ago we had our parents over for dinner and I spent the entire day cooking. I also did most of the cleanup afterwards. I was happy to do this and didn't complain. Last night my BF invited a friend of his over for dinner. At 5 o'clock when I asked him what we were having he told me that our friend was bringing something to BBQ and I could make a salad. When I indicated that I expected him to help out, especially after all the work I'd done the day before, he got upset. Eventually he did help me get supper ready however once dinner was over (less than an hour after our friend arrived) my boyfriend told me they were going out and off they went. Now I'm used to him going out without me, however I was under the impression that last night we were having a friend over to hang out and socialize. I felt very deserted. Is this out of line?

 

Those are just two examples. A lot of what you folks have been saying hits the nail right on the head and I am pretty sure that this IS an issue of his desire to commit to a relationship. When I mention it, he insists that he IS ready for a long term committment but that I don't give him enough space.He did ask ME to move in with him, it wasn't the other way around. As it is he comes and goes as he pleases, he works from home so his work schedule is his own and he has no trouble going out with friends at all hours of the day and night. It seems like ANY expectations I have of him are too much. he has many expectations of me, but there seems to be a double standard and I don't think he's capable of seeing this.

 

Anybody else go through this?

[Carthiana]

Been there, feel the same way (in many regards, not all of course!)

 

I needed to stop being so overly helpful, doing things that I'm not asked to do (like laundry he leaves around, cleaning up after his messes, doing things he had forgotten about so it would not create a bigger issue). I guess I needed to stop it, as it was something I think he was taking for granted.

[OceanEyes]

He tells me that he absolutely does not understand this need and sees no reason why he should fulfill it. Now, in my mind, if you love someone and you know something is important to them, you try and let them have it if it means only a small compromise on your part. It doesn't matter if you understand or not, just knowing that it's important to your partner should be enough to make that sort of sacrifice. I feel that the fact that he won't do this for me is disrespectful of the things that are important to me.

 

I don't think he's deliberately doing this to disrespect you. However, telling you he sees 'no reason' in going away for a couple of days is pretty selfish on his part. If you've told him that it's something that you would really love to do and he's telling you basically that you're wrong for feeling that way, then it sounds to me like you've got a guy on your hands who just might be coasting through your relationship without wanting to feel like he has any obligations or responsibilities to keep you happy. It is not his job to keep you happy, but it is his job to help you feel loved and appreciated. Why else do people let themselves fall in love and have relationships?

 

I have to call this situation as I see it. Although your man is telling you that he's into this whole comittment thing, he really isn't, because he's not giving you enough to work with. He asked you to move in, yet he isn't interested in maintaining your relationship, at least for you and to help you feel loved and appreciated. Either this man has no idea how to treat a woman, or he's keeping you around for comfort and friendship.

 

Does he do anything else that is special for you? What does he say to you that can be considered 'nice'? Does he go out of his way to help you if you need it? Do you always find that he says "no" when you ask for his support? Is he always pulling away every time you need something from him? Do you feel always feel like you're giving much more to the relationship than he is? Try to weigh out the pros and cons here. The reason I ask, is because with men, sometimes they think they are putting enough effort into making you happy by doing other things for you. It could be that he's giving to you in other areas, and feels almost resentful that you don't seem to acknowledge that and are always on his case about what you aren't getting from him.

 

However, in your situation, I really don't like the sound of your boyfriend from what you've told us. I could understand if he simply couldn't get the time off work, but still wanted to take you away for a few days, or if he is giving to you in other areas of your relationship that you're not telling us about. But the way you've described it, he's simply saying, "I don't really feel like going away for a couple of days, regardless of how much you'd love it. I am putting my needs ahead of yours again". People usually do this when they are unable to give themselves to a relationship completely.

[Scout]

Ok - he's being uncaring and selfish. That's pretty obvious. If I were you, I would re-read Vital Coaching's post again and again until you understand fully what he is suggesting. Then - try it for a month. If nothing has changed, then I think you need to seriously consider moving on.

[bg]

Well, you've all given me some very good advice and I wanted to end this saga by letting you know that yesterday we broke up and I am now packed and apartment hunting. I am extremely broken-hearted however I know that in time I will realize this is for the best. Sometimes love ISN'T enough - sometimes personalities just don't work.