she said Im overreacting...do you think I am?

[siefer]

I dont want to say how I found out, but I found that while my girlfriend was at work, one of her male co workers flicked her jokingly on her breast and she jokingly tried to flick him on his penis. I mentioned this to her and she said I was over reacting because I was so mad and she said it was just a joke and it's not like they full on felt eachother up. It was just a flick. And they were just joking. Do you guys think I had a right to be mad? We've been going out for 8 months today

[kdreger]

You're overreacting.

 

It's a matter of trust. Do you trust her?

 

If you do, apologize to her and say that you reacted that way because you're a lucky SOB to have her.

 

If you don't trust her, it begs the question: Why don't you?

 

A lack of trust is based on insecurities. It's more about you then her. If she's going to stray - she'll stray no matter what you do or say. If you react like you've done so far you'll make it a bigger deal than it is and ironically push her away and she will stray BECAUSE OF YOU. Better you're cool about it as it implies confidence - jealously just looks pathetic IMHO.

[OceanEyes]

You are not over-reacting. I think when you're in a relationship you have a responsibility to keep your hands off of another man's penis - even if it's just a joke.

 

I find it amusing that your girlfriend would try to switch it around to you being over-sensitive. Come on, that's ridiculous. What's next, her telling you she was kidding about actually having sex with some other guy?

 

"But hey, it was just a joke!" lol

 

Honestly, I would probably have some serious trust issues with my boyfriend if I found something like that out. In fact I would probably be pretty sickened.

[Meow18]

I agree with OceanEyes , you are not overreacting.

 

This is your girlfriend! She's not supposed to be touching other guys, even if its a joke. I would also be sickened if I found out that my boyfriend was jokingly touching other girl's breast. I would be very upset too.

 

She has no right to tell you that you getting mad about it is wrong. She's the one who did the wrong. I think you need to talk to her about it. Tell her that it saddens you that she would try to touch another guy's penis, even if its just a joke. If she tells you that you are just overreacting, then tell her that its just the way you feel & if she doesn't respect your feelings, then she doesn't respect you.

[birdgirl]

No way, you're not overreacting. That's make me mad, too. NO way. Not overreacting at all!

[kdreger]

I just wanted to add something:

 

Think about why your g/f told you about it... there's a reason she told you. Does she want a certain reaction or does she honestly not think it a big deal?

 

So far:

Overreacting - 1 (man)

Not overreacting - 3 (women)

[Meow18]

I just wanted to add something:

 

Think about why your g/f told you about it... there's a reason she told you. Does she want a certain reaction or does she honestly not think it a big deal?

 

So far:

Overreacting - 1 (man)

Not overreacting - 3 (women)

 

Actually he didn't say his girlfriend told him about it. He said he didn't want to say he found out, so that doesn't mean she told him about it.

 

kdreger, are you telling me that if your girlfriend came & told you that she tried to touch another guy's penis jokingly, that you would be ok with that? Would you be ok with the fact that some guy at work is touching her?

 

Seriously, its disrespectful to her, that this guy is touching her breast. She should not allow for that anyway.

 

It really doesn't matter that so far only the girls are saying that you are not overreacting & the one guy is saying you are. If you think that its wrong, then it is. It doesn't matter what we think, if you are not ok with it, then something has to be done about it.

[kdreger]

She didn't touch his penis, she said she "tried" to "flick" it.

 

You don't know the relationship she has with the guy either. She might have know the guy she was joking with for a while.

 

If my girlfriend did that I wouldn't care because I would trust that she was merely goofing around. Just because we're in a relationship with someone we don't turn asexual. If it were a woman flicking another woman's breast would it matter as much?

[tiger_lilies]

I think the 'flicking' part is not the issue, but the flirting is. He was obviously flirting with her by flicking her breast. She obviously flirted back by flicking his penis.

 

So, no, I don't think you are over reacting. And finding out from another source can make it hard to hear. Is it natural for you to feel insecure after finding out about their 'flicking / flirting'? YES!

 

To her, it's probably innocent flirting. But if you feel hurt by this, then you should let her know. But kdreger has made a good point about chasing her away with your insecurities. There should be boundries to flirting. It depends where your boundries are. You should talk to her in a non-threatening manner. Approch her with no anger, but with seriousness.

[rainethbow]

NOT overreacting. heres a really really honest reply..

ive done that.

and guess what.. i was flirting

guess what else

i was in a relationship.

youre not overreacting.

i deserved for him to be mad at me.

try this.. describe, to her, YOU doing the exact same thing.. except with a coworker female "friend" of yours. see how she really feels then.

good luck

[Scout]

This kind of flirting - totally inappropriate. Period. Even if she wasn't in a relationship, come to think of it. Since when did flicking each other's body parts at work become an acceptable form of flirting??

[Francis]

Whether the facts are shocking for society or not is unimportant. You feel shocked by her action and that is enough to show you that you guys do not share the same values. Sooner or later, you will be shocked again, since whatever she is doing does not seem abnormal to her, but is reprehensible in your eyes.

 

Usually, in a relationship, it is very important to share the same values. For instance, I have married girlfriends who sleep aroung and their husbands do the same. None of them is shocked or upset because they find that is normal. But people issued from other backgrounds can find that horrible.

[OceanEyes]

She didn't touch his penis, she said she "tried" to "flick" it.

 

Well I think he seems to be pretty disturbed and confused about it, regardless of trust. To me, if you're touching someone else's genitals - as a joke or not - it violates trust. If there are limited expectations within a relationship and this type of flirting is allowed, then great. Couples can set their own limits.

 

I asked both my male roommate and my boyfriend how they viewed this, and they both told me that they thought it was inappropriate. Flirting is one thing, but when you go as far as touching breasts and penis's, it becomes really tacky and disrespectful.

[rainethbow]

i disagree. (i dont care if the word "flicking" sounds innocent, it isnt.) i think that what went on IS affection, especially, when flirting. its basically the tiniest form of affection you can show to someone thats in a relationship, and vice versa.(if youre the one in it) i think its bad news all together, especially if SHE thinks its okay. im telling you, ive witnessed this hands on.

[lifeisgood13]

How hurt you must have been. I am sorry you had to hear about your girlfriend's bad behaviour. I see that as a red flag, and an opportunity for you to examine and reflect on her past behaviour. Is there anything else you may have overlooked in your eagerness to think well of her? Examine her with cold conscious eyes and mind and see whether she is really someone you would trust or want to spend more time with.

 

Best of luck - you deserve a faithful woman.

 

lifeisgood

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

As someone else mentioned, I believe there are different opinions on this topic. Some people will be fine with it and some others won't.

 

There are various levels of boundaries in relationships and what matters is not the limit itself, it is the fact that you agree on it.

 

It seems that right now, you reached a point where you disagree on a specifc limit. You say it is not okay. She says it is okay.

 

This is an occasion to grow stronger together.

 

Here is what you can do: Take 30 min one evening to seriously explore this specific boundary.

 

Here is what you can do:

 

Stand in front of her and ask her to imagine you at your work or in a public place. Ask her to imagine a girl teasing you and you responding by putting your hand down there.

 

Go on and say something like: "Would you be happy if I was doing it? would you be disturbed or would you be okay with it?"

 

If she says it's not okay, ask her why.

 

If she says it is okay (which I doubt) push her a bit further and find out what the exact limit is for her...

 

It's okay to touch her?

 

What about giving her a hug?

 

What about exchanging phone numbers?

 

Etc.

 

This is just a starting to find out exactly what is okay and what is not

 

These are relationship boundaries.

 

I do believe that there is an exact balance you two can find. You might disagree on a detail. It's not a big deal. Use this situation as an occasion to grow deeper.

 

In my opinion, what is happening is a simple test and it is fun.

 

You can discover a whole lot about each other by simply digging a bit deeper in it. Talk about it without attacking each other's belief. Give space for dialogue. The fact that you two have different opinions already shows that the answer is not black or white.

 

Try it out

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach