UPDATED-Confused.... Are we are are we not back together!?

[skynet74]

So, now that this new revelation has come to pass... what do I do?? How can I be Ok for the next 6 months?

----------------------------

 

The short answer is..... You won't be O.K. for the next six months. You've got a guy who has his cake and can eat it too. He came right out and pretty much told you that you are a Back up if he doesn't meet anyone else. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT? Don't you deserve better than to be someone's Back up Girl? Now he can go out and meet as many women as he wants and you are going to sit there and let him do it in front of you. He has nothing to lose. The Best of both Worlds for Matt and the worst the World has to offer for YOU. It's not fair and he should not be living in the same house if this is the road he's going to take.

 

I know that you love this guy with all your heart. But look at what he's doing to you. I would be a complete Liar if I told you it's going to be O.K. I don't think it's going to be O.K. for a while. Not on the path he is on. I feel for you. I really do because I know what it's like to be crazy about someone and have them no longer treat you like #1. I hope that it all works out somehow. Good Luck.

 

 

 

John

[Buffee]

Best thing to probably do, is move out and get on with your life for six months, seeing him everyday, knowing that he isn't ready to be with you will be wayyyyy toooo painful and totally playing on your sanity.

 

He now has basically given himself a time frame where he knows that you will be sitting around waiting for him, and he will be out there living his life, as painful as this sounds, once again he kind of is keeping you hanging........kinda like having his cake and eating it too.

 

And what happens in six months if he decides that he has found someone better? You have just waited around for him and get your heart broken once again.

 

You need to start living your own life and getting out there and having some fun yourself. I was strung along like this with an old boyfriend, and really, he never had any intention of coming back, it was just easier to say than totally breaking up with me. For three months I waited for him, and we tried to slowly date again, but he was already gone the first day he left.

 

Maybe in six months your guy will surprise you and will come back, but until then don't be putting your life on hold for him.

 

My current ex, we still see each other once a week at baseball and sometimes we hang out together so I can visit with his daughters. I can say it totally sucks, cuz he totally just treats me as a buddy, which does break my heart! It has only been a month and it is like he totally doesn't care, he just shut off that part of him as soon as he broke up with me. If I was a smart girl, I probably wouldn't try to do the friends thing with him, cuz it is totally painful for me knowing that I want more outta this than friendship and that is the only thing he wants.

 

Listen to what the other people on this forum have to say, distancing yourself from your ex for awhile is probably the smartest advice anyone could give.

 

Buffee

[d346]

In agreement with the last two posts, I don't think you'll be ok. You are going to feel miserable like you do now, for the next 6 months. Just to have another "talk" that may not work out the way you want.

 

He loves you, you love him. But I think you should take a step back and think about what you want for YOURSELF and how you REALLY want him to treat you. Not this way. You're unhappy. It will continue if you live in the house. In fact, he is fine with everything, -he's only affected when you get upset and make a fuss about things. That not really fair is it? the balances arent really even!

 

My advice: find another place, and someone to take your room. Tell matt, I'm sorry, but you need to do your thing, so I need to do mine. why don't you check out link removed yourself? you could meet some new friends!!!

 

Move on with life. I'm not suggesting dating. I know how it feels to not want to date anyone, and honestly you shouldn['t if you're not ready. But look into activities, living situations where you can make new friends! it can open doors to meeting new people. And perhaps give you a new perspective on your current relationship situation. You'd be surprised how much you may change your mind about things!

 

Honestly so he wants to see what's out there....and you are hurt. But I agree with skynet! He just told you you're not good enough right now. He's looking for something else. So take this as your opportunity to say, "well you know what, then maybe YOU'RE not good enough for me" -He may have all the qualities that you look for in a guy, but he's missing the most important. The committment to you!!!!

[Aktrez]

He is NOT looking for something else.. that's the point.. he is simply looking to meet new people and flirt. he does NOT want another relationship. I'm sorry, but reading these responses gets me so frustrated. I can't possibly make you understand the situation because you don't know Matt. All I can do is tell you that this is what needs to be done right now.. he loves me.. I know that.. and I have never known that before. And if this is what he needs to do to get it out of his system so that we can be together.. then so be it!!

 

Y'all make him out to be the bad guy.. but honestly.. if he has doubts, why not get them out of his system now before we get married? If every guy did this before they settled down, perhaps there wouldn't be NEARLY as much divorce in this country!! He's young.. girls are attracted to him now.. and he just wants to go out and have some fun and meet people. He is not getting physical.. he's simply getting to know other women in an individual setting. Honestly, it's not that bad.

 

yes, it hurts.. and no, I"m not his back up as you all say. He knows he wants to be with me in the long run.. he just knows there are some things that he needs to get out and do before he settles down with one person forever. He pretty much knows I am that person.. he just isn't ready to settle down yet. There isn't anything wrong with that!

[skynet74]

he is simply looking to meet new people and flirt. he does NOT want another relationship. He's young.. girls are attracted to him now.. and he just wants to go out and have some fun and meet people. He is not getting physical.. he's simply getting to know other women in an individual setting. Honestly, it's not that bad.

------------------

 

You are not going to like this....... but YES it is that Bad. Step back and look at the situation. Look at what he's doing. If you are happy in a relationship you don't do this stuff. You just don't! You don't place an Online Personal ad to meet other women. You don't look at link removed to get another apartment. You don't go out on Dates. You don't meet and flirt. You don't lie about being at work when you are really out with another woman at some Romantic Restaurant.

 

I Like you Aktrez... but I want to grab your head, shake it and say WAKE UP!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

John

[Aktrez]

He didn't lie about being at work.. He went from work to the date. We aren't together.. why is this bad? He doesn't want to regret anything in the future... MOST guys have regrets and that is why there is divorce.. You can't see that this is a good positive thing! He wants to be sure there are no regrets.... Geez.

[d346]

If this isn't bad, why are you crying all the time? Why can't you eat? why are you pleading for advice?

 

I'm just offering some pointers to get on with your life while he tries to figure things out. Point blank, he doesn't want to be together right now. So why torture yourself by being around him during that process? No one is saying he's a bad person, but that you deserve more than to wait around, yet stay in the house because he wants you to. That doesn't sound right, does it?

[skynet74]

She is clearly in denial. We've all been there. You really need to ask yourself ......... Is this the Behavior of A Man who really truly is in Love with me? He may Love you but he's not IN Love with you. It's only a matter of time before he says it.

 

 

John

[d346]

I guess my point is, now that you're not together, it's all about you now. you've got to look out for yourself, because he said he can't be a "we" right now, but he needs to be an "I" for a while.

 

Granted, it was much easier for me to think that way because me and my boyfriend weren't even seeing one another, -I went out and did new things. I inquired about my friend's beach house, and asked how I could get involved. I asked one of my friends to invite me to her work happy hour, because she had a close-knit group of girlfriends there. I just wanted to meet more people. And every day it got easier. The pain was less. This is what I'm just suggesting in response to your question, "how will I get through the next 6 months?"

 

The day he called me, I was no longer an emotional mess. I had a new perspective on things. I think he also found that more appealing...to talk to a strong, independent woman, rather than the weepy mess I was before. He used to say "i need some space to just be, to be on my own" Now he was saying "I am totally still in love with you, I want to see you again -le'ts start over"

 

I was only able to get this strength by distancing myself a bit, and creating an interesting life for myself.

[deebee]

Sorry Aktrez, you seem a nice person but you are deluding yourself if you think this situation is OK in any way. I have to agree with Skynet74 and d346 on this one. It is very frustrating to sit here and see these posts on such a regular basis. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! He is not being as honest as you. I fear you are saving up some major pain down the line, yet again.

 

after talking for quite a while... he gave me a date. He said if he hasn't found someone else in 6 months, he is going to marry me. He says he doesn't think that he WILL find anyone, and made a promise to me that he wouldn't get physical unless he knew that it was over between us.

 

He told me he just doesn't want any kind of relationship right now.. he just wants to meet other people.. see what they are like... and just go out and have fun.

Quite frankly, this is dishonest BS and I am dismayed that you can't see it. I'm sure he is a 'nice guy' and all that, but there are so many 'get out of jail free' clauses here. Talk about having your cake and eating it. You sit on your hands whilst he plays the field and has 'fun' with other women. All the while he has you to fall back on if needed? Sorry, but this shows no respect for you.

 

Some questions: Say you get to the six months and he decides he DOESN'T want you back? Or he does, then in another year or two, he gets cold feet again? If he doesn't know after four YEARS, why does he need another six months? How will you last six months of this emotional rollercoaster? What if he finds 'someone else' in six months? It does 'get physical' anyway, does that mean its over for you? etc etc

 

Take a look at Princess777's post about being objective: link removed

[moneypennyxx]

Oh my god girl!! what are you doing!!

 

""after talking for quite a while... he gave me a date. He said if he hasn't found someone else in 6 months, he is going to marry me. He says he doesn't think that he WILL find anyone, and made a promise to me that he wouldn't get physical unless he knew that it was over between us""

 

to help you through the denile ( cause i`ve been a "im not ready for us right now" gal)

 

this paragraph above implies that he is LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE!!

 

what happens on nights when he doesnt come home and you are all alone in the house?

 

what happens when these nights become weeks?

 

what happens where he starts to smell different, talk differently and have new phrases that you havent heard before?

 

what happens when in these six months he does infact FIND SOMEONE else?

 

all this you dont want to read/ hear etc!! but you have to.

 

what happens when he sleeps with someone else, intentionally or not? things with a girl "just went too far" is oral sex allowed then??

 

he is ALREADY dating right in front of you!! what part of that is acceptable!!

 

one day all this will sink in!! and you will be angry at the blind fold of love falling over your eyes, that he is infact a guy unfortuantly at this time being led by something other than his brain, and you, desperate not to loosing him are giving him a free reign.

 

By saying ""after talking for quite a while... he gave me a date. He said if he hasn't found someone else in 6 months, he is going to marry me. He says he doesn't think that he WILL find anyone, and made a promise to me that he wouldn't get physical unless he knew that it was over between us"" you ARE in fact a back up!! imagine giving a friend in a similar situation advice, what would you say to her!?

 

When this ""and made a promise to me that he wouldn't get physical unless he knew that it was over between us""

 

havent technically things been over for a while, isnt that why you justified him going on a date??

 

your trying to justify for actions as you said "YOU REFUSE TO MOVE ON TO ANOTHER GUY" you are refusing to accept all this, and trying to justify everything with your own excuses.

 

Things are over between you he is ALREADY dating other women, it is only a matter of time!!

 

x

[Aktrez]

This is my last post on the boards over here. It's impossible to explain my situation in a post to make you understand. thereforeeee, I will thank you all for your comments and politely take my leave.

 

I will end with a few statements:

 

I am NOT deluded

I am NOT blind

I am NOT dumb

I have a VERY good head on my shoulders

I AM in love

Matt IS the one for me

Matt DOES love me

Matt is NOT screwing me over.

 

I'm sorry if my posts came accross that any of the above was true or false. I am just getting frustrated with the responses I am getting,, thereforeeee I have obviously explained it the wrong way. The people who are close to me and know the situation, and are going through similar ones, understand and support me to the fullest.

 

Again, thank you all for your support, any of you who care to contact me outside of the boards may do so by using my instant messenger information below.

 

Good luck to you all!!

 

"May all your endings be happy!!"

[d346]

well, I guess everyone has thier opinions. My friends and parents are upset that my boyfriend isn't ready to get married after three years -that I am a great catch and he would be lucky to have such opportunity -that he should be jumping at the chance. I am beginning to subscribe to this point of view as well, because I've come to truly believe that I am worth it.

 

Just look out for yourself. Just remember that you deserve the world. If you ever get the feeling or inkling that things aren't right or fair, don't be afraid to make some changes, whatever they may be.

 

Best of luck to you.

[moneypennyxx]

Please please post us in 6 months and tell us we are wrong.

 

Please do this.

 

I would love to hear from one person that stuck with it and didnt get hurt.

 

none of this stuff is to hurt you, no-one said you were stupid, infact every said you were pretty and didnt deserve this, none of us do.

 

i know your hurting, but please some back and tell us all was ok in the end.

 

This is at the end of the day a support board and we are trying to support you, you have to remember that people who are on support boards are those that need support them selves and thereforeeee most people on this site have been wronged, by their other.

 

I was with a guy, who told me to give him time, the next time i saw him he was on a date, we didnt get back together. I have no interest in other men, im not an ugly person inside or out and i didnt deserve it, i was blind to the cr*p he`d been feeding me.

 

please email me and let me know that for some people it does work out. I would like to have hope in your quest to save this love.

 

Take care

 

I and everyone hope it works out for you.

 

x

[skynet74]

Nobody is putting you down. It's quite the opposite. We all think you deserve a better deal then you are getting. I sincerely wish you and Matt the best. Just don't make the mistake of allowing him to crap all over you. You know that you deserve better. We know it too.

 

 

 

John

[deebee]

Hi Aktrez, sorry you feel that all the advice you have asked for and received has not been helpful.

 

Of course, none of us is in your shoes and only you can decide what is right for you. But all these people have valid opinions gained through their real life experiences which they have shared with you in the hope of helping you out and supporting you through your difficult time. Were they ALL somehow colluding in an effort to spoil your chance of happiness? I don't think so. Just trying to offer objective advice.

 

I sincerely hope that things do work out for the best and that you return to post an update. Best wishes.

[avman]

I'm sorry you feel this way Aktrez but from the responses I've read people are trying to help you. You have to understand that when you ask for peoples opinions they are going to tell you what they think. And that may not necessarily be what you want to hear.

 

Nobody has called you dumb or deluded. And if you are so certain he is not screwing you over and he is the one for you, then I'm not sure what you want help with. His actions clearly show otherwise. And the members have been pointing this out to you as best they can. Whether or not you choose to believe them is totally up to you.

 

Nobody wants to see you get hurt. And we here can only go by what you are telling us. I do wish you good luck. We all did try and help.

[Scout]

Aktrez, I can honestly sense your stress, frustration, and general panic over this whole situation. That's why I think you're temporarily leaving the boards. As everyone else has said, you're welcome to come back anytime and no one will think you are silly for it. You are in an incredibly stressful situation and that makes us say/think/do things we might not do if we weren't so upset.

 

I actually relate to your basic theory that if people had the freedom to "get things out of their system" perhaps we wouldn't have such a high divorce rate. Unfortunately, it makes a lot more sense in theory than when its in actual practice. Fact is, it hurts when a partner is intimate with another. It hurts when they can't make a commitment. It hurts when they choose to be with others. And all the understanding and good intentions in the world doesn't make the pain any less.

 

There is also no guarantee they will return to us once they "get it out of their system". Hey, there's no guarantee they will get it out of their system, ever!

 

And the sad fact is, many people in their twenties today are not focused on or desiring marriage and a family. It's all about "me" these days, for better or for worse...what I can do to better "my" life, how can I have more fun in "my" life...our society today is a very narcissistic one, and I certainly hope this trend will be reversed, and soon.

 

Ok, all that being said...you love this guy and you honestly believe you know him to the very core of his being. You believe this is the right thing to do. I couldn't do it myself, but if you are sure about this path, here are some possible suggestions:

 

1) He wants fun. Well - become a fun person without necessarily including him on the fun. Sure, if he wants to be a part of it, let him ask, but don't go out of your way to invite him. Have dinner parties at home with a rollicking group of friends. Have Scrabble and popcorn nights with friends over. Make your house be the "fun" place to be.

 

2) Make some new guy friends. Spend time with them. Do stuff with them. Don't think of it as dating. But don't let Matt see you pining over him all alone. It's a two-way street. Your stock will only go up.

 

3) Do some fun "fix-up" projects around the house, and include the room-mate. Paint, do lawn work, plant some flowers, build a book case. Again, make your home a center of fun, vibrant energy.

 

Maybe this will help. If nothing else, will keep you busy during this challenging time ahead.

 

Good luck! - Scout