Is he serious or he just overreacted?

[flea]

Last night my guy went out clubbing with his boys first time since we been together because we always went out me and him. This time I told him he can have his space and just go with the boys. So he did. We agreed he will call me after he's finished so he can sleep over.

I was peacefully sleeping when my phone rings at 3am. It was my guy friend I havent spoken to in 1 year. He came back from studying abroad and wanted to catch up. We met outside my house shortly.

At 5am I get a text from my boyfriend saying he's coming around my place. I didnt text him back, assuming he will be here in a minute. Then I see him streamingly driving away. I phoned him: he was p*d off, whining and screaming "i dont know what you are doing you're not with me, i dont know who you are anymore, what i saw explains alot". Apparently he saw me and my friend sitting outside and assumed this is the reason I wake up every night(its a habit) and stay up and then when he wakes up im in my clothes(also a habit). I explained myself very clearly on the phone but he kept whining. EVen said he feels like crashing somewhere. everything i said was the truth for i had nothing to hide or be umcomfortable with but He rejected all my explanations.

 

We havent spoken since 5am now. I think I lost him. Guys, ladies, please, I need your advice on what to do. I dont want to lose him for something like this. SHould i let him think about it and decide if he trusts me or if he wants to end it? Or should I go running after him proving im innocent?

 

All advice very appreciated. x

[if only]

If I was in your boyfriends situation I would probably think the same. Think about it from his point of view......

 

If you had been out on a night out with a friend and then sent a text to your BF but he didn't reply, later you pull up outside his house and see him with a girl from the past!! im sure you would have your doubts even if you do trust him, I know would.

 

I believe you are being totally truthful. but when you think about the facts without the full truth it does look a bit suspicious even if you are totally innocent.

 

If I was you in future I would avoid talking to male friends in the middle of the night and stick to more sociable hours it definetly looks less suspicious.

 

I would give it until this evening so he has time to calm down and ask to meet up with him, don't do it over the phone as it is easy to mis-interpret the conversation. Then explain as much as possible but also listen to what he has to say and tell him you understand it looked bad but it wasn't.

 

If its meant to be and he loves you he will believe you.

[woobiegirl]

Flea,

 

It's all about trust. You don't need to run after him proving you're innocence...you are innocent. After all, you were sitting outside w/your friend and it's not like you rushed you're friend off before your b/f came over....you had nothing to hide. You had trust in his going out all night, why shouldn't he trust you talking to an old friend.

 

Let him cool off, tell him if he want's to lose you over nothing (other than maybe his insecurity) it's his decision. I'm sure it just startled him...but I would bet it opened his eyes to how important you are to him. Give him some time...he'll come around.

 

good luck,

Woobiegirl

[Cecelius]

Do you have any romantic or physical history with this guy? Have you ever cheated on a b/f?

 

I think this is a classic misunderstanding, and the only bad fact is that you were talking to a guy in the middle of the night which looks bad.

 

I don't think he overreacted, since it looked like what it looked like, and I don't think you really did anything wrong either (though the in-person meeting is a little strange). Just chat, exchange your views and see where it is.

 

In the future though, be mindful that he will be paying attention to what you do, and you will will be paying attention to whether he trusts you or not.

[flea]

Hey thanks so veyr much for your advice guys. It really helps me clear the situation.

 

I think I was as schocked as he was, when I saw his a* driving off while I was waving im to stop. All I know is that my friend feels he messed up my life, just an hour as he was back in it.

Then again, you guys make veyr good points about this situation.

 

Yes I did put myself in his shoes and it didnt feel great.

Yes indeed I have trust in him when he goes out: one of the reasons he has no right to accuse me of cheating !!?? exactly: it aint like I rushed my friend off before he could see us.

 

And to answer the question, No this guy is a friend, not more: actually its more like a family friend: my parents know his aunt and I know her children and her nephews. (which he happens to be)

And once again, NO: I never cheated on any boyfriend.

 

Well, for now, the situation is: I havent heard from him the whole day and I just pray that he is safe and sound. I wish he at least dropped me a text to confirm that.

oumph.

[woobiegirl]

You have a healthy outlook on the situation...after all, we don't think "guilty" thoughts when we don't do guilty things. You can't really catagorize it under a "misunderstanding" since he jumped to the wrong conclusion and didn't give you the courtesy of a deserved explanation. Like I said, you were sitting outside, you didn't even think twice of the fact he was probably on his way over and more than likely would have introducted him to your friend had he given you a fair chance to have the opportunity.

 

Lesson well learned...things aren't always what they appear to be, maybe we shouldn't always jump to the wrong conclusion first??

 

Let us know how it went. Let him stew awhile, I'm sure he's ok, but if anyone owes someone an apology, it would be nice if he told you that it just caught him off guard, he got a little jealous and drop the whole thing. After all, there really wasn't a reason to call him out of the blue @ 5 am just to let him know a friend came over becasue he's a male.

[flea]

wow, woobiegirl, thank you so much for a fresh look on the situation.

You reassure me a great deal, but I still feel like a piece of trash cus he dont trust me means he dont respect me. Maybe im taking it too seriously.

All I know is at the moment my stressing out has killed a day of my life: i didnt turn up for work-which is my first day today; i stayed in bed all day; smoked 2 packets of ciggies and in general, cancelled all my things i had to do today. I feel so bad, I think the stress is getting into my physical body now too. I feel like throwing up and the same time i wanna eat non stop. and my stomach is out of place too.

 

I dont know whats gonna be happening to me later, but of course I will keep you updated on the situation. Thanks so much for your time and advice. Greatly appreciated.

Love to all. x

[Cecelius]

I think its equal on both sides: it is shady to be chatting with a male friend in the middle of the night on the phone, in person or otherwise. It may not be very shady, but its not great either. Him chatting up girls in the bars when he was out with his friends that night would be shady too.

 

So it doesn't mean anything, that's fine. If your b/f won't let it lie, then he isn't worth your time/

[flea]

Cecelius, what do you mean "lie" in the phrase

"If your b/f won't let it lie, then he isn't worth your time/"??

 

DO you mean like, let it go?

 

x

[woobiegirl]

think its equal on both sides: it is shady to be chatting with a male friend in the middle of the night on the phone, in person or otherwise. It may not be very shady, but its not great either. Him chatting up girls in the bars when he was out with his friends that night would be shady too.

 

Sorry, I don't agree that it falls into a "shady" catagory. I understand you're saying that perhaps because it wasn't during the daytime hours, it could possibly be viewed that way. The fact that he may have talked to some girls while out with the boys & her talking to a male friend shouldn't be considered "shady". After all, I don't feel we should have go through life not talking to the opposite sex or giving up friends that are the opposite sex when we get into a relationship, that's not necessarily healthy either. (especially if it was your friend prior to the relationship) It really depends on how strong the trust is between two people and each of their self esteem.

 

Woobiegirl

[flea]

You make a good point, woobiegirl.

You know sitting here im starting to think he's feeling wrong or guilty about something HE has done.

The deal is, he is a very self-controlling guy. He NEVER spurts out yelling or any extreme behaviour like last night. When we were on the phone while he was driving away, he sounded extremely hysterical and was practically whining on the phone+some anger tone.

 

Im so so so worried. Dammit why is this happening?? Im trying to think back

 

Bottom line, ladies, I believe he is feeling guilty about something. No other reason to behave as he did. He knows very well that I have too many male friends-he actually knows half of them at least!

 

This is why I believe there is something more to his behaviour last night. But what..

[flea]

Oh f* i cant take this anymore. will i be humiliating myself too much if i call him now>>> i cant take it anymore., my guts are spurting out of my mouth

[woobiegirl]

You know sitting here im starting to think he's feeling wrong or guilty about something HE has done

 

Bottom line, ladies, I believe he is feeling guilty about something. No other reason to behave as he did. He knows very well that I have too many male friends-he actually knows half of them at least

 

Flea, two good points. Don't start getting your mind in the negative mode though, but no one knows your b/f as well as you do. If he's ususally pretty rationale & doesn't jump to conclusions then there could be more too it. It doesn't mean anything overly serious, maybe he partied a bit more than he ususally does & has a bit of a guilt complex, or it could be he discovered how strong his feelings are for you when he saw you that night and got jealous? Just guessing on my part, but don't discount your women's intuition...it's stronger than most women will admit to so I've learned to just put it on the table & talk about it. It's allot better than letting it eat you up inside. If it makes you feel better...contact him & tell him you think the two of you should meet and talk. It's always easier for one of the two to put their "pride" aside and make the 1st move. Don't worry, it'll work out!

 

good luck,

Woobiegirl

[flea]

Ok this is s*. im almost dumped.

I phoned him..... he does trust me with that guy. Its not even that what p* him off that much. Things were building up from before. Damn. Its complicated.

 

Basically because im a depressed person im very hard to deal with. I get moody too much and subconsciously sabotage the relationship. Its all the things we dealt with from before. my moody mood all the time, and he says its hard for him and the relaitonship isnt working.

Im almost dumped. Im crying my eyes out. I want to cut or overdose. But i think ill manage. got my ciggies for now.

He sounded reluctant and he was with his friends, drinking. Whatever.

still sad and depressed and on the verge of suicide. x

[Cecelius]

I did mean that if he can't let it go, then maybe he's not right for you.

 

On the shady acts, I understand that nothing happened with the male friend, nothing was going to happen, etc., but coming to your g/f's house in the middle of the night and finding another man there is not appropriate. No question about it. The fact that he's an old friend changes it a bit, which is why I say the b/f should acknowledge that it was a small misunderstanding on both sides and let it go