Being alone after a break up is tough!

[solstice48]

Since the break up of our marriage I've discovered that the few friends we had are gone. Just before my wife decided she didn't want to be married any longer she started a new job which involved more people than the old one and she said she now had "new friends" (male & female) in which I was never invited to join in. Now I find myself just about friendless & dealing with the sad fact that the only real constant friend (in our 25 yrs. together) was her & now she's gone. She said she wanted to be off by herself but is not really because she is now sharing a house with one of her new woman friends (who is divorced & I believe influenced her decission to leave, along with newfound attention from the men she now has contact with) while I share an apartment with myself. Most of the people at my work are maried so finding friends to spend time with is just about impossible. How do you deal with the loneliness and the thoughts of knowing she is able to fill her time with these "new friends " while I struggle to get through the week end. It's one of the tough challenges I've found now that our marriage has ended.

[sonja]

Don't worry about the fact that she has got a life filled with friends and support of others while you are lonely. This will only make you feel lonlier. 25 years of togetherness is a long time. Its difficult to get out of that feeling of companionship in a few days. So what you are experiencing is perfectly normal.

Making new friends take time. Keep your mind open, if there's any activity that interests you, then you may want to join a club and pursue that and in due course of time you will meet like minded people and will be able to develop a bond with them.

I hope this helps in some way.

Wish you the very best,

sonja

[Gilgamesh]

What Sonja Said!!

 

I know its not easy, for adults to make new friends, because most of people already have some friends and by the most part already have their hands full.

 

But people move around and change jobs and you can meet new people.

 

you need to go into that way-back-machine and remember what you liked to do, or dreamed of doing before you were married, and do it!

 

I spent a month hiking once and made some buddies on that trip.

 

If you like doing anykind of sports youll meet new people. Community service groups looking for volunteers, traveling in tour groups, become more involved in work related events. or maybe get a second job just to be around new people.

 

Actually finding friends is almost like finding a new girl, dont look desperate or look like your trying, or they will run away!

[DaniChris]

Wow, I know what you are going through and I sympathize so much. Oh my God, the loneliness can be incredible. Coming here and reading and posting replies to other people who are in the same boat has helped me.

 

If there are any hobbies you like - bowling league, singles dances, church activities, learn to country line dance - whatever - those are just a couple I can think of at the moment - do them. And know that you can come here, too, when you need to talk or are feeling really lonely.

[kinatra]

Sorry bud, I can't give you the special key or the easy answer to how things are going to get better. I recently broke up with my girlfriend after 4/5 years b/c I wasn't ready to marry her or as I am slowly accepting, she was not the one.

 

Anyway, as a friend said, when one door closes many more doors become available. Try something you never tried before or could when she was around.....I don't know if this is sounding very good. What I can tell you is that I know how you are feeling. When we love someone, that person becomes a part of us and so when we lose them a little part of us dies.

 

Like I said, I don't have the magic answers. I think my relationship ended, as much as it kills me to not have someone there, for the right reasons. I have started writing my thoughts down everyday to express what I am feeling....I think it can be helpful to look at because often when we are by ourselves and writing we tend to see things more clearly instead of just seeing and expressing the pain. GOOD LUCK AND GOD'S SPEED!

[solstice48]

Thanks for your reply, I have been writting down my thoughts & it does help somewhat. I think I'm at a point where any hope I had of us getting back together is finially fading away. I guess its time to let her go to find her own life & move on with mine. Its been a tough journey that still has a ways to go. As its been said the attachment you feel being with someone for so long is something you rely on & trust. When that's taken away your world changes & you start to question a lot of things. And, all the why's & what if's keep your mind busy for quite some time. I think I may be getting past that a little also. I know though things like how her love for me could just end & how could anyone just let go of sharing 25 yrs together so easily will never be answered. When I think about it I get the same anwers to my questions that I got from her, none. Anyway I do appreciate your thoughts & I'll be looking for those doors. Thanks again!

[kinatra]

It's okay to feel bad and miss her but don't let it take over you. Again write things down and try to occupy your life with other things. Like I said, a part of you has died which means there is a space there that needs to be filled. The excitement could come with filling it with new activities that allow you to meet new friends.....

 

Good luck and god's speed,

 

Kinatra