need some advice.. i recently got the long distance break up

[cruuk]

well i think my situation is a little unique and have been beating myself over the head for awhile now.

 

ive been with my girlfriend for 3 years. this spring she finished her university degree and had planned to go overseas for the summer for a work exchange program. i never really liked the idea but you have to at least try and be supportive. anyway things seemed fine, even at the airport when i said goodbye we talked about the next few months, maybe moving in together, etc. so i was in a fairly good frame of mind.

 

after she left we talked almost everyday like usual and things seemed good until one weekend where she was supposed to go away with a group of the other work exchange people for a bunch of activities. i didnt hear from her for 4 days, and when she finally called she just said it was over. i was dumbfounded and kept asking why. she just kept saying different things like were different people, i want to be able to see other people, im finally doing something for myself.

 

i was quite crushed and said a lot of things that probably took away from her respect for me. she called a few times to see if i was ok but it seemed like she wanted to less and less each time. the last time we talked i tried to be positive and tell her i just wanted to have my friend back for now.

 

now im still completely baffled as to how 3 years goes out the window in 3 days, and am wondering if im doing the right thing as to being friendly. i have no way to contact her so i must rely on her feeling like calling me. shes even gon so far as to say she may not even end up here when she comes back so i dont know what to think. she comes back the earlier part of september and i need to know how to proceed. its been about a week i guess since it started and im still totally devastated.

 

any help much appreciated.

[CarterJonas]

hi cruuk,

 

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. There are two things that you can do; one is to get a number/address from her parents/friends or two, give her time and space until september when she returns.

 

Do you think some space might help the situation at the moment, although I can totally understand that it is very difficult to do so.

 

Without knowing what happened it is very difficult to advise you which way to go. If it is a permanent or temporary breakup, there are many others on this site that are experiecing the same emotions, so keep posting if it helps.

[cruuk]

Well, if you talk to her it seems like a permanent break up. But I just can't understand because at the same time its much like craigs ongoing situation. She wouldn't give me a concrete reason. One time its I want to be free to see other people, next its were just different, next its I just dont want to be together anymore.

 

Its had me going insane this last week, because we have had spats in the past and said things like I don't want to be together anymore but it lasts 5 minutes and someone always gives in.

 

I cannot really get a number for her, shes staying in a college dorm in Northern Ireland as part of her work exchange so as far as that goes I should have no problems maintaining NC BLAH.

 

More and more I compare it with craigs situation, with the exception of the being out of the country thing. Shes been with me for most of her university degree and has never really been able to let loose. I think shes doing that now as she has told me about going out and acting stupid a lot since she got there. If thats the case I can live with giving her space, I want her to be happy, I just wish I knew if she wanted me back when all this was finished.

 

I guess it all hinges on when she comes back in Sept. more than likely it will be me that picks her up at the airport and spends a bit of time with her before she heads back home (5 hour drive from here). If things go smoothly between now and then, I could have a chance.

 

I just dont know if I should play the friend route and just be a shoulder to lean on when she calls or try and act like being with her again is not at all in my head.

 

ARRGHH.. so hard.

[craigblitz]

Buddy First and absolte foremost my heart goes out to you big time and I mean bigtime. Above all else try to get some sleep, get Tylenol PM or something because the first stages of the break-up suck sooo bad. Go through the emotions, write all the sad stuff dowm write all the ticked off things down, find a friend or 2 who will just listen to the same things over and over and over again. In fact if you want send me a pm and I will be more than happy to give you my email address.

 

Ok now the situation. In my opinion since she broke up with you, you should not be contacting her. She is you giving you no solid reason because I am sorry there is none. The onl reason there is a selfish one in which she just wants to have fun and be her for a while. How does she tell friends and family that without looking like a bad person. But she is right in many ways as well you guys are different. You are thinking how are we different... Well it is obvious you want to take this relationship to the next level and continue with her, but she just does not want that right now. That is a hard pill I have had to swallow, if you didn't know what you wanted you should have told me three years ago... right????

 

Now the question does she want you back when she gets back... Right now the answer is no. If it was yes she easily could have strung you along do what she wanted to do and you would have been no wiser right. So right now she is saying she wants to be this independent free woman.... so let her. On the other hand she very well may want to try, she didn't want to be attached and feel guilty for whatever happeneds over there and that is a good sign. Unfortunaltey, I do not have that answer. The best advice I can give you here is do not even waste your time figuring it out the cards will play the way they play. Also, as you know the grass is not always greener but they have to find that out.

 

I know she consumes your thoughts all day and all night and in your dreams...etc But you have to convince yourself and do not be in denial, but you are a single man again. Granted you loved the relationship but I am sure there are things that you wished you could have done if you were single... well buddy now is the time to do it. Make sure she is the one for the one as well. You maybe thinking I am 100% sure she is, well now you have a free pass to find out... take advantage of it. Trust me on this one and you can thank me later.

 

Now the question of being "friendly" and I struggle with that myself. I think you should limit contact with her. Don't answer all her calls but the ones you do take be upbeat and nice and be yourself. Do not and I am serious as all hell on this, do not bring up the realtionship or what she thinks of thinks. You will get your answer through actions in time my friend. I truly believe in NC only to heal, but a mixture of NC and pleasent exchanges is what is needed if you want her back. Make her chase you my friend.... She lost you, you know you were good to her and loved etc... let her try to find someone better, it will be hard because 3 years is hard attachement to lose for "No Reason"

 

Head Up my man.... Keep the boat steady... To me it really sounds like she needs some space and wants independence for how long... maybe when she gets back but do not get your hopes up... it may take longer. She is thinking of you and while she is over there trust me.

[cruuk]

I know I have to just be concerned with myself right now but as always thats a lot easier to say than do. It is incredibly hard to not replay all the negative things shes said in the past week, or the things shes said that I have percieved as negative. It is also very hard to resist the temptation to bring up relationship things during conversation, but I know thats about the worst thing that can be done.

 

Either way, her mother came to visit her (a pre planned trip) so I probably wont be hearing from her for a week or 2 while they are all over the countryside.

 

Thanks the the encouragement craig

[craigblitz]

The negative things said during the break-up are just that things said. 9 times out 0f 10 positive things are not going to be said during a a break-up. People need to to allow themselves to think that they are doing the best thing so don't put too much stock in that.

 

Again.... learn from the mistakes I made and others... DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE REALTIONSHIP. If you can not do this do no speak with her. It is that simple bro. If she wants to talk about it she will don't worry about that.

 

Dude go out tonight... I do not care if it is a hole in the wall bar a book store or what not... Get out and do something you like...

[cruuk]

This is so hard. It keeps dragging me down and affecting my life. I seem to start days out not too bad but as the day progresses this little nagging fly starts bugging me and progressively gets worse until I basically can't get any work done.

 

I mean I love her with every fibre of my being, and when someone just up and changes on you within 3 days and sets your life on end...

 

Nothing further has happened yet, I havent heard from her since saturday morning, but just the way she sounded on the phone was enough to smack me down. Just completely uninterested in anything relating to us.. I mean I guess that is completely normal and she needs some time but its so hard.

 

Originally she was to come back in september and it was probably going to be one of the best days of the year. Well as far as I know she still is supposed to come back but it may just be in passing through, I dont even know if she wants to spend ANY time around me.

 

God I hope something changes.

[cruuk]

I got an email from her today. The tone was very happy, shes having a good time on her trip.

 

I was hoping to see her miss me a little but it almost seems as though nothing ever happened, and everything is normal. Its good that shes friendly toward me but its so hard when I don't know what she feels toward me if anything besides friendship.

 

I guess I just have to continue being her friend and being supportive to have any chance, but I seriously doubt I could do it if she starts to see somebody.

[ginger25]

Hi, I too completely sympathise with your situation and you are not alone in all the feelings you've been experiencing, Craig's advice is totally spot on.

 

My boyfriend of four years broke up with me a couple of years ago, and although he had reasons, I still couldn't understand it. A couple of times I texted him saying how bad I felt because for some unknown reason it made me feel better momentarily....but then I just felt disappointed with myself and knew it would make him lose respect for me. A few months later when we were on speaking terms he explained that it upset him to hear from me because it was a hard decision to break up, although it was the right one - what I am saying is don't assume just because she isn't saying anything she isn't feeling upset about the break up too - she is most likely trying her best to move on and not upset you anymore in the process.

 

I know that it will be really tough, but my advice would be not to contact her at all and perhaps explain to her that you need some time to get over it. It will only prolong this painful process for you if you are expecting to hear from her, I know because I've done it..more than once. The ironic thing is, if she chases you at all it will be when you have gotten over it, because that's how these things seem to work.

 

I know you feel as if your whole world has fallen apart, but just keep taking every day as it comes and do whatever small thing you can to make yourself forget how you feel for a while, try not to be alone and think about things too much. I promise you will get over this. Take care.