suicide vent

[EmptySoul]

I still hurt myself. I don't really know if I need it, and I don't care. Either way I'm still going to do it. I tried for a while to stop for the sake of others, but...I've lived for, through, because of others for so long that it's like I'm not really here, like everything I do feels wrong. I'm trying harder and harder to only use my knife on places that my parents won't see. I don't give a f___ if the guys see them. Because of not being able to cut on my wrist (the easiest place for me to make bleed, the first place my parents look for cuts) I cut more often and in bigger numbers. I feel like if they would just leave me alone, my cutting would almost disappear. There's no way they'll ever understand how much of a hell they've made for me.

 

I've discussed this with others like me: I feel like I am maybe not more mature than others my age, but I see things they don't notice. I feel things deeper. I feel guilty more easily, depressed. How my actions affect those around me is ALWAYS on my mind. Enlightenment sucks.

 

And today I think my mother found my knife while in my room cleaning. (without my permission) I'm not at my house, so I can't do anything but sit here and be angry and tired. I know I didn't leave the knife out in plain sight, even if I did forget to put in back in my top drawer. All I want is her to respect my privacy/stay out of my room.

 

I hated going to counseling. I had so much pain that all I could do was sob and mumble for 45 minutes. Now I have just as much pain, along with anger and a million other things. I think I need to go again. It's getting hard to function again...and I'm still cutting. That scares me. If I can't function while finally being with the girl who's been my closest friend, while managing to cut every couple days, with my birthday coming up... what am I going to do now?? Oh god.

 

Almost no-one agreed with my suicide post. I don't care though. The only thing that makes me angry is I feel like I didn't get my point accross right. I plan to commit suicide when I'm older, even though I hate the word suicide. I like "leave" better. I don't want to grow old here. I can't keep trying to mold myself every day so I can stop hurting everyone. I've had to change so many times it's like I change subcontiously. It'll be beautiful. I know, that's not the word anyone had in mind. Whatever. I plan to use my decent writing abilities to write some long amazing thing that day. I'll go out that day and have more fun than I've ever had, I'll see the people I care about. And then it'll all finally be over.

 

ANGST seems to be what possesses me all the time now. In case you don't know what it means: an acute but unspecific feeling of anxiety; usually reserved for philosophical anxiety about the world or about personal freedom. Every day, all day long. It never stops. You have to realize though, I have no self pity. Sympathy is not my thing. I accept every part of me completely. I don't want to change. I'm me. that's all.

 

-EmptySoul

[EmptySoul]

flea, thanks for sharing. the thing that really sucks is sometimes, it helps to find others like you, and sometimes it doesn't at all. it seems there is no cure.

 

EmptySoul

[flea]

i know.... completely and utterly exhausting. i feel gutted.

 

I know how you feel, empty soul. because i know how i feel and i dont know how i hang in here because i feel my little wicked burnt up soul likes unnecessary suffering.

 

 

by way there is a very good website you might find it interesting. alot of links there. please give it click, you might find some material that will uplift you. i wish you the best. x

link removed

[Aleksey]

oddly enough, i also believe i can relate. back in january, my mother found out that i was suicidal, and, woohoo, i went to a hospital. lucky me...

 

anyway, ya. it isn't any better. in fact, it is worse. its kinda sad, cause when people ask me for my plans for the future, i really can't come up with an honest ansewr. because, i do, like you, plan to kill myself at some future time. rofl. kinda scary, in a way.

 

and, just liuke you, i really odn't know why i haven't downed that bottle of pills i have stared at for countless hours, or cut just a little deeper and sever the vein.... meh. whatever.

 

i supose, the whole point of this, is just to add my name to the list. lmfao.

 

~Aleksey

[EmptySoul]

aleksey. thanks for taking the time to reply- i can really relate with the future question, i hate it when people ask me that. what am i supposed to say? "i'm going to graduate, maybe go to college, get some writing published...oh yeah and kill myself!" ha if only i told people all the things in my head...well we all know where i would be now. (a cushioned room in a straight-jacket) pm me if you wanna talk more.

 

EmptySoul

[flea]

Oh i can relate in this way:

for years, ever since I was 13 and became clinically depressed, my parents didnt take it seriously. to them, it was "teenage rebellious behavior due to hormonal fluctuations which passes just as you pop the cherry". how do you like THAT?

 

In january this year, i got myself together and spoke openly to them that "i am suicidal and I feel pain non stop" and told them about a few attempts with pills which were nothing but crying for help. Just as they heard the word "suicide", they shifted out from ignorant parents into the parents who accept their depressed child and will to help. Ever since, I was in counselling and harsh anti depressants which helped, but Im too rebel to continue toxifying my body away. Id rather smoke and drink and overdose the pills when im completely f*d.

SO there. People need extremes to understand extremes.

Almost like losing something has to happen so u can realize what u had.

 

Peace.

[jaiva]

I know that life seems to suck at times. I used to say Life Sucks all the time and I made sure that everyone knew how I felt. I know that you here this all the time but things do get better. I'm an example. If you wanna know my story and how I recovered from being suicidal pm me and I'll tell you. I'm sure that if you seek help you'll find it. If you share your thoughts, feelings, and emotions you'll find happiness in some little things. Stay strong.

Jaiva

[thisisnotanexit]

right now im sure life seems like it sucks..but stick around, things can be really great. it's through the hard times that we grow and learn, but eventually they too will pass. you are not alone, remember that. soon the dark clouds will lift, just keep your head up. life is too precious and has too much to offer, you just can't see it right now. so please reconsider. if you end your life now at such a young age, youll never really know what can happen. people do care about you, never underestimate your worth. take care and please message me if you want.

 

aim - idioteque182

icq - 211613003

msn - email removed

 

 

link removed

link removed

link removed

[i_hate_the_world47]

emptysoul,

I know how you feel.My mom not only found outabout my cutting she walked in while i was cutting.Then to much dismay she began cutting yourself.I felt like a complete idiot.I have caused so much pain and i know that people care about me,but they dont hsow it.Why care if you are not going to take the time and show me you care.I have been through it all hospitals,therapy,counseling,pshyciatrist after psychiatrist.They all have the same thing to say."Meagan is a troubled teen who is crying for help."Boy do they have it all wrong.Iam not crying for help.Cutting is not my cry for help,its my sanity.Its the way i live my life.It may not be a good way,but i cant change me.If you dont like me then leave.So many others have left,why not you.I wish everyone would just treat me like a person,not a walking cry for help.I may have cuts on me,but i am no different. My mom no longer cuts, byut i still blame myself for her cutting at all.My friends think i am nuts.I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.If you ever need to talk PM,email,or im me.I will always listen,even though no on ever did it for me.

 

~Meagan~