Help...Please...Anyone

[bb13]

My GF and I have been dating for almost 3 months and it has been great. We were so close. Recently I went on a 9 day cruise and she made a new male friend while I was gone. This friend wants her. I've met him and he seemd cool but he still told her that he wanted her and taht pissed me off. I know that she would never cheat on me but thats not the problem. Ever since I got back, we have been sorta distant. We both thought that we had been spending too much time together but the timing of it (cuz of my trip) doesnt feel right. She talks to this kid alot (lets call him "A"). "A" can also get alcohol.

 

My GF and her best friend("K") wanted to drink so they talked to "A". My girl said they wanted a "boy-friend-free-night" and I was ok with that. I would have liked to gone but w/e. Anyways she calls me when she's sick drunk and when she needs comforting she all-of-the-sudden says "I wish you were here". She drank way too much and felt aweful. I told her that I didnt believe her b/c she had said she didnt want me there to begin with. She also told me that "A" and "K" had dissappeared and when she found them they were on the floor and "K" had her pants off. (She also has a BF) Me and my GF got into a huge fight about alot of stuff including trust, drinking, spending time without eachother, and other things. She didnt seem to care that I was upset. She was getting mad that I was upset with her. She doesnt believe me when I say I trust her. I do...I know from experience with her that she wont do anything with someone...I sorta made a move on her when she was with her ex.

 

I kno this sounds like rambling on but if you read this, PLEASE post a comment...I couldnt sleep all last night and I'm even in tears over this....I just dont know what to do...PLEASE HELP!!!...anyone

[JT]

That sounds like a tough situation.

 

Best thing to do really is fight fire with fire. If she's giving you this crap.. go find another female friend and hang out with her. I know being a woman its easier for them because they "got the goods" but you gotta learn to master this kinda stuff. Dont be the one left behind.. and plus, who cares if you have another female friend right?? She's just a friend anyways.. maybe your girlfriend could explain the friends thing better. LOL

 

I know it sucks, but you gotta hang in there. Remember, the cool, calm confident guy always will win out. The more you show her you are'nt upset, but show that you care by indifference the more she's gonna want you.

[bb13]

One thing that is also worrying me is that this seems terribly similar to how me and her got together. We were "just friends" and she had a BF (he was a jerk though and I am not). But I really dont even want her having the type of "just friends" thing she and I had b/c we were sooooo close...kiss on the cheek, lay down together close...This is one thing that wories me.

[JT]

Well thats what you want.. to be close etc. May not be what she wants anymore. Challenge is gone.. no prize in it anymore.

 

How old is she?

 

Do you lift weights? You in good shape?

 

Sounds as if this other guys is a player. In order to win, you must play the game, and you must win. Best way to do this is to know your adversaries and beat them at their own game.

[bb13]

I think your missing the problem....She isnt about to leave me for him...I'm certain of it...We both love each other very much. I know i didnt really have a target question but how bout this:

 

Do I have a right to be angry at the fact that she seemed to want to have fun without me but when she needed help she wanted me there?

 

Do I have the right to not want her drinking or even being with this kid without me there?

[Celadon]

Do I have a right to be angry at the fact that she seemed to want to have fun without me but when she needed help she wanted me there?

 

Do I have the right to not want her drinking or even being with this kid without me there?

 

BB13, it was uncool of her to tell you to stay away but then come crawling back when she needed you. She was testing her own boundaries/freedom, and she got stung. I wouldn't be so much angry (she did call YOU for help, afterall) as disappointed in her. Not too mature. But unfortunately, lots of people do that -- even adults.

 

The other thing, sure, you can ask her not to hang around this guy, but you can't control her. If you try, it'll probably backfire.

 

I'd say, pay more attention to making your relationship with her as special as you can, rather than spending your energy on being defensive. Good luck. Hope that helps some.

[bb13]

Well the plot thickens. This kid told her that he loves her. This kid is turning out to be a real a-hole. He seemed cool at first but then he tries to take my GF, says he cares about her/loves her and then fools around with her best friend who has a BF. My desire for her not hanging out with him has gone beyond my well-being... I dont want her hurt. Her best friend is falling to pieces b/c of what happened and she doesnt even remember all that took place. The guy hasnt told her. I seriously hate this kid. He has caused fights in a relationship that was completely happy and has probably torn apart another.

[Ingrid]

Hi BB13,

 

It is a good thing that you be serious about relationships. However, this situation is a bit hard and fighting fire with fire would not be a bad idea : this does not mean that you will go out with another girl, but you can tell her that if she wants a bf free night, you also want one gf free night. She may then understand your pain.

 

But, on the othe hand, she may not : I know that most of my gfs that cheat were issued from families where the father cheated on the wife big time and somehow they end being like their fathers. They have accumulated too much pain and resentment against men and have difficulty experiencing true love and commitment.

 

It seems more possible that this young woman does not really share your values (remember she also wants to drink, etc.) she is more on the rebel side and seems to have serious issues with authority. It actually seems that you are much more balanced than she is.

 

You seem to be certain that she loves you and she may do, but also she may not. For sure she takes you for granted and you sure must do something to correct this before she gets out of control.

 

On the other hand, it is not a very good idea to reject her when she comes back crawling and calls you. If you are still the bf, you should be with her. If you don't want to be with her, then stop seeing her. Don't punish her when she behaves correctly, punish her when she behaves incorrectly.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Lykable]

I think that, in a way you know the answers to your own questions. You said already that you don't think she'll ever cheat on you. However, you still feel insecure about it, and I don't blame you this "kid" you speak of sounds like a real jerk.

 

I think you trust her, but you don't really want to because there's vulnerablity in that. It's good that you know nothing will go on between them. After all, if you don't have trust, then the relationship is just pure hell (believe me). You have to remember, you two are still pretty new with each other.

 

When it comes to whether or not you have the right to be angry about her being with him when you're not there...I think you have every right to be upset. Especially if she is knows how much it bothers you. If I were her and I knew that being alone with him made you upset (given that I really, truly cherish what we have) then I would try not to do it. When it comes to the drinking, I think it is good to show her that you care what happens to her and to tell her that you don't like it, but I don't think you are in the position to demand a change in her.

[jaiva]

They have a saying which says once a cheater always a cheater. I'm not sure how true that statement is but if you know how you feel about her and you know how she feels about you don't worry. But you must have a serious conversation with your mate when everyone is sober. Don't yell and try not to use the word you. Cause when you do it makes the other person defensive.

Jaiva