Connections based on feel good vs. feel bad emotions.

[waveseer]

Ever notice how some relationships are for sharing primarily happiness like joy, laughter, encouragement, and celebration while others are for sharing mostly the less positive emotions like grief, hurt, anger, despair, and hopelessness?

 

As far as friendships go, mine tend to be well-balanced between the two extremes where all types of sharing happen from both sides. In romantic relationships though, often they've tended towards the negative types of sharing in a markedly unbalanced fashion.

 

Why would this be the case? Why would a certain type of intimate connection be based on heaviness rather than lightness? I think I'm beginning to understand what's been happening. Likes attract. Hurt people attract and connect with other hurt people, and so on. If my romantic relationships weren't positive enough for me then it's because I wasn't light-hearted enough when they were initiated or wasn't able to maintain that attitude as the relationship progressed.

 

If I want a more fun, less serious relationship (in demeanor, not commitment) then I must learn to be more fun and less serious myself. Anyone care to add their thoughts?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I disagree. Often in the bad relationships one person was indeed emotionally sound (although nobody is completely emotionally sound) but the other person wasn't and created the mood of the relationship which just ended up dragging the other person down.

[waveseer]

I disagree. Often in the bad relationships one person was indeed emotionally sound (although nobody is completely emotionally sound) but the other person wasn't and created the mood of the relationship which just ended up dragging the other person down.

 

People change once the chase/newness of a relationship wears off, but I am beginning to believe they were like the person they became all along. They were just better at acting differently in the beginning. I think all relationships are based on an underlying agreement which happens very early on. Consider this, although I realize it sounds odd when it becomes conscious, "Since you are hurt and angry about your past relationships and so am I, we agree to comfort each other and help each other heal from all the heartache." The two people could be independent and even somewhat indifferent on the surface, but underneath are still forming an emotional connection based on ill feelings.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am a bit confused. Can you further explain.

[waveseer]

Sure. What I was getting at is that when people form an emotional connection it is (often?/most often?) based on identification with the others feelings. These feelings may not show on the surface at all. I believe all relations are based on spoken or unspoken agreements under which each person promises to adhere. Sometimes the agreements we think we are making are not the ones we made at all because the underlying pact is obscured by our lack of emotional awareness, of ourselves and/or the other person. Later, we think they changed when really one or both of us due to either healing emotionally or becoming sicker emotionally has broken the agreement.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I see your point. Often, however, an emotionally absent person hides behind a carefully crafted facade..a wolf in sheep's clothing.

[waveseer]

I see your point. Often, however, an emotionally absent person hides behind a carefully crafted facade..a wolf in sheep's clothing.

 

And in my way of thinking, the partner may be unaware of their own emotional unavailability (maybe towards themselves) and thus identifies on an underlying level with the other person who is pretending to be emotionally available.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And in my way of thinking, the partner may be unaware of their own emotional unavailability (maybe towards themselves) and thus identifies on an underlying level with the other person who is pretending to be emotionally available.

 

To me that almost sounds like "blame the victim". I see that kind of thinking a lot here on ENA where if someone is with a dysfunctional person it must be something deficient within themselves that resulted in them chosing the dysfunctional person...and not that the dysfunctional person has just become really adept at hiding their deficiencies. Remember that dysfunctional, emotionally messed up people not only fool potential partners but also their friends, families, work colleagues etc.

[waveseer]

To me that almost sounds like "blame the victim". I see that kind of thinking a lot here on ENA where if someone is with a dysfunctional person it must be something deficient within themselves that resulted in them chosing the dysfunctional person...and not that the dysfunctional person has just become really adept at hiding their deficiencies. Remember that dysfunctional, emotionally messed up people not only fool potential partners but also their friends, families, work colleagues etc.

 

I agree with you with a caveat and that is that we may not be aware of not only our deep emotional state but also the other person's. This is particularly true of people who have a history of unsatisfying relationships. The identification of emotions can happen at a subconscious level. It in no way excuses poor behavior on anyone's part. This isn't about what we did or what they did, it's about knowing ourselves well enough to recognize where we are really at and grow from there.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't know...you can bend over backwards fixing yourself and understanding yourself and still run into the same kind of jerks...because there are just so many of them around. I just look at the personality types I see in general, forget about the dating aspect, I am talking about just what you encounter on a day to day basis..and let me tell you there are an awful lot of self-serving people around...a lot of liars, a lot of people who embellish stories to make themselves look good, a lot of people who only want to hear themselves talk etc. So if people keep running into the same type of romantic partners it may not be anything they have done per se, it could just be the luck of the draw because there are just so many people out there with personality problems and an all about me attitude. Just look on this forum from people who view themselves as nice and yet in order to get over a break up they go and date others, sleep with others etc all the while thinking of their ex but yet pretending to be honest with whomever they are using as a substitute. This is selfishness and not considering the next person...and yet they could in general be genuinely nice people.