Anyone else with me on this one?

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

Ok, here's the argument. I am talking with a girl who had expressed interest in me, which is not something that happens regularly. However, whereas I have been in only one 2 month relationship (3 years ago) in my whole life, she's been with at least four guys and engaged to two.

 

I told her that I am looking for a girl who is just as new to the relationship experience and not carrying a lot of baggage, so I feel like I'm on the same page with someone. She gets kind of angry, and says that I can't be choosey about those sort of things and I gotta let love happen, that I can't see that she loves me, yadda yadda...

 

I'm not picky, I just can't stand when I'm first meeting girls, and the first time we hang out or go anywhere, I can't go five minutes without some mention of something she did with an ex, or what the relationship was like (this girl in particular is ten times as worse, she's been engaged and all), etc.

 

I'm a rookie, I don't want someone teaching me what's going on, I want to learn with someone.

 

Lastly, she gives me one retort that I couldn't really argue against. She said "at your age, you have a better chance of winning the lottery, than meeting a normal person who hasn't been in a serious relationship" (I'm 22).

 

Can I want someone new, or should I learn to settle? Thoughts?

[murrayfaces]

Dude, it's not that I think that you're being too picky, you're just expressing your interests in the type of girl you want in a relationship. Now whether or not at 22 everyone has had a serious relationship or not, you can't look at that as "baggage" if they have. Talking about the ex is sorta natural, because that's someone you were in a relationship with, and if you're going into a new relationship, it often brings up those feelings/memories. No, I can't stand hearing every ghorey detail, or having to listen to it too much, but a little is something we may have to just tolerate, in the beginning. If you're a few months into a relationship and you're still having to hear this, then it's time to make your opinion known that you'd like that to slow down, or just stop.

 

So, you want someone new in the relationship game. Are you going to turn someone down, just on knowing that they're not new to this game. I call this a game, because to alot of us, it is a game. That's not to say that we aren't looking for love in this, but in something this complicated, with so many written, not-written, spoken, and un-spoken rules, this has to be a game. What you're doing is adding in your own rule - she needs to be new to the relationship thing, so you can explore it together. But you need to ask yourself, isn't adding just one more rule to this already complex adventure simply limiting yourself to available teammates? It's tough enough as it is to find someone out there, and sure we all have our preferences, but you might be preventing something really great from happening. Don't look at it as settling. OK, even if you do, what are you settling for. Hopefully, you'll be settling down with someone that you care about, and don't really care too much about their past. Especially something as simple as whether or not they've had past relationships. I mean, I can accept that you maybe don't want to date crackheads, or hookers, or women without jobs.

 

One caveat: I don't necessarily blame you for not wanting to date someone who jumps from relationshipt to relationship, or gets engaged several times to different guys. Maybe this is when you really should have them open up, and tell you exactly why none of those worked. If they're valid reasons, then OK. But, if she starts to tell you things like, oh, it just never worked out with the last 10 guys, maybe you need to get to know her a little bit better before jumping into the water.

 

End of my 2 cents.

[Scout]

Could it be possible that you're just insecure about your relative lack of experience with relationships, and would feel more comfortable with someone who has about the same depth of experience? It's understandable if you are, but at the same time, I think you are doing yourself a disservice by ruling out people who have had relationships. Maybe they can teach you a thing or two that someone who hasn't can't. I'm sorry, but your current criteria seems like it will put you in a situation where the blind is leading the blind.

 

Ok, so you're 22 and you haven't had a serious relationship. It's hardly a stigma, but now it looks like you have an opportunity and you are tossing it away because she's been involved with others before. I think you're making a big mistake only wanting to date those with little experience. I knew a guy once that was 36 years old and had never dated anyone for longer than six months. He was snappish, set in his ways, defensive, and basically an unhappy soul. Do you want to turn out to be the same way? If not, I'd let go of this stubborn idea you have that rules out experienced women as potential dates/girlfriends. Open yourself up and let yourself learn from others. It can actually be a very liberating experience if you take the risk. Good luck!