How do you regain trust?

[2kids]

Hi, I am new to the site and need some advice. I'll try to make this as simple as possible.

 

My husband and I have been married about 15 years and we have 2 kids. He has cheated a number of times and I am not sure exactly how many times it is. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was "coming back home". He has been here but I don't think he is really here (mentally and emotionally). I am so upset that I feel like I am dying inside. I don't believe him at all.

 

The problem is this, he had a receipt from a retainer for a lawyer (not anything to do with me because I was completely aware of the situation), and on Saturday I saw that he had altered the date on it to say today's date and then made a copy of it. When he went to work about an hour ago he took it with him because it isn't where he left it. I have a gut feeling that he is taking it to make it appear that he is leaving me as it is a receipt from a lawyer. Now I know he isn't leaving, but I do know from past experience with him that he will do whatever to string someone else along. My issue is this, do I get ahold of the person and tell them that it is all a lie and she is falling for some bull &^% or do I just keep watching the situation?

 

Also, how do I get to the point of trusting him again? I feel like I have to constantly check behind him to stay ahead of him. I realize that is no way to live, but I don't know what else to do at this point.

 

Someone please help me on this because I am going stir crazy here!

 

Thank you very much.

[agent1607307371]

To be honest, if someone is behaving in a way that is not trustworthy, not only can you not get to a point of trusting them but to do so would be incredibly foolish or delusional.

 

He needs to be putting in the work at being honest and open with you.

[ToF]

I realize that is no way to live, but I don't know what else to do at this point.

 

Want to know what else to do? You leave him.

 

I believe in marriage for life, except for extreme circumstances. Infidelity to this degree is one of those circumstances, in my opinion. You will never get this guy to act the way you want him to. How are you going to live the rest of your life like this?

 

Seriously, imagine the next ten years with him. Always worrying, always checking on him, and always feeling "crazy". Could you live like that? Now imagine twenty years. Please save yourself from that.

[2kids]

Thanks for the advice/input. I talked to someone where he works and she said she was keeping her ears pealed and will keep me informed of whatever is going on. She is also going to get the girl's number and I think I am going to call her and let her know that he is lying and I am not sure what else. You know, the stupid thing about all of this is that I told him a long time ago that if he just told me the truth I wouldn't be as mad about all of this. The lie is hurting more than the actual cheating. I am thinking about the whole leaving thing and am trying to get my ducks in a row before I announce my plans. I'm so angry I could spit nails.

[2kids]

Also, agent, any ideas on how to go about attempting to get him to be honest and just come clean and not come accross like a complete $%^&* although I am not sure if that is possible.

[ToF]

Thanks for the advice/input. I talked to someone where he works and she said she was keeping her ears pealed and will keep me informed of whatever is going on. She is also going to get the girl's number and I think I am going to call her and let her know that he is lying and I am not sure what else. You know, the stupid thing about all of this is that I told him a long time ago that if he just told me the truth I wouldn't be as mad about all of this. The lie is hurting more than the actual cheating. I am thinking about the whole leaving thing and am trying to get my ducks in a row before I announce my plans. I'm so angry I could spit nails.

 

Don't you think you're putting too much effort into this? He's got absolutely no respect for you, so why should you be trying so hard to keep up with him?

[The Archer]

Yes it does sound like the best option is to leave this guy.

 

I think if you know he has desires to be with another woman (or other women in general) then just let him go and realise he wants something different to you.

 

There’s no way I’d ever lift a finger to stop a partner going off with another man. I just wouldn’t ever take her back. I would however do my best to support her decision even though it would be very hard.

[2kids]

Well here is a little more background to the situation - didn't know if I should delve all into this. About a month ago he said he was thinking about moving out for a while and be by himself and figure out what he wants. At first I cried and said not to and blah blah blah. Then when he said he was "coming home" he said that he loves me, wants to be with me, but feels like he is making me and the kids happy and not himself. I told him to go and be happy, I would figure out something for me and the kids. He declined (hey I gave him his out). Today we were talking and he started talking about moving out again and I asked him why he wasn't. Him: "I don't feel like spending the money right now". I just told him that he had to make a choice and either move or shut up about it. He agreed to quit talking about it if he wasn't going to do it. He knows that I know a great deal about what is going on, but he isn't quite sure what. Like I said earlier, I am just trying to get my ducks in a row. Any advice on how to go forward when the break up probably does occur?

[The Archer]

The only thing that comes to mind is to realise that even though it will be painful there will be huge potential long term benefits. You will open yourself up to having the kind of life you want. It will take time but the knowledge you are going in the right direction will hopefully help you.

 

Just remember that “you” chose to be with this guy and if you can take some of the responsibility for you current situation it will definitely help speed up the recovery process. I’m sure he wants to be happy just like you do and right now he sounds like he might be pretty unhappy.

 

Good luck

[MrWallFlower]

You are letting him walk all over you by allowing him to make all the decisions. Once he left, I wouldn't let him come back. Why give him the option to come and go? Of course he's going to go when he knows you'll be there waiting for him. Basically, what you are signalling to him is that he can do whatever he wants and you'll be there waiting for him.

[2kids]

Thanks Archer. I know I chose to be with him to begin with and stayed after the first time. I do realize that once I accept the full responsibility of the situation I will be better off. I just want to punch him!! I know that won't do any good though. He asked me what I would do if we weren't together anymore, I suppose thinking I would say just find someone else. Truth is, as long as my kids are living with me, I wouldn't bring someone else around them as I think it would be confusing for them (they are 10 and 7). I think after being with him this long I just need a good break before another relationship anyway (I've seen how jumping into another relationship is confusing to kids - my sister did that). Anyway, thanks for the good input and giving me back part of my spine!!

[cazmoore]

2kids - do you have a job? Like a full time job?

 

I just wonder when women are being cheated on all the time and never leave if it's because they have no where to go and have no real income other than spousal support.

[2kids]

Actually I have a daycare in my home and I have only been doing that for about 3 months. I like it well enough to keep doing it although if I was at capacity it would be a lot better obviously. Not only that but if I needed to go somewhere temporarily my sister said I could come live with her for a while (she knows everything and he doesn't know that). I am not worried about whether or not he would give me a hard time about the financials because I know what is up with our finances. Previously I worked outside the home since I was 18 and I am 38 now and I worked continuously. I used to think I would leave at the drop of a hat, but when it actually happened I couldn't do it. Since it has been repeated, I am now strategizing.

[2kids]

So today the spousal unit comes in at 1030 AM and asks how everything is going....I don't respond. I felt like if you didn't have the decency to even call and say hey I'm not coming home tonight I just need some space, why should I respond. When we did speak about 30 minutes later, I told him to just go and be happy by himself because clearly this was not going to work out. In addition to that I told him that I knew that he was not going to be able to work out his issues with me, he said that he wasn't happy right now and "needed space". Take all the space you need and when you realize that I am the only one that has truly stood beside you then you will see the error of your ways was my response. When he left out of the house I called him and said I hated him for what he has put me through and I don't know if things will ever be ok. I also told him that he didn't need to contact me for anything unless he was telling me that a) I was right or b) that he was ready to act like a husband and has his stuff together. He took that as me saying to not even call the kids. UH, I told him they have phones so he didn't need to call me to get to them. I also told him that he in no way shape or form was he to take them around some other girl. He agreed but we will see. There is some more but I have to get kids up from naptime...so until later....wish me luck in my journey.

[ToF]

Wow ... GOOD FOR YOU! That was awesome. I am very, very proud to hear that you stood up to yourself that way.

 

Definitely write more when you can. Keep us updated, and please stay strong!! You did the right thing!!

[2kids]

So he texts me this afternoon. Telling me that he understands how I feel blah blah blah. He said he never wanted to hurt me (???) and was truly sorry. I told him to take as long as he wanted because I am not giving him a timeline, and he asked if I was going to wait for him. I said that I had already said that I would be there for him (thinking we will be better as friends) and that he shouldn't talk to me unless he was serious and ready to be here so as to not have any confusion because these kids need 2 parents for them in whatever capacity that was/is. No response. He calls about an hour and a half ago and asks how I am doing, I said fine. Still asking am I going to be there. I told him that he didn't need to think about that right now, he needs to be thinking about how he is going to get his life on track and realize that he is making a huge error in judgement (for lack of a better phrase). I kept all responses short and to the point. I said the ball is in his court as far as when he was going to get it together. He didn't like that. I told him I can't beg him to be here nor was I going to. He is in a place where he has to dig his own self out. I told my kids what was going on and that they need to start thinking about it just being us for a while and not to ask when he is coming home. I don't have all the answers. I am sick of crying and all of that and I told him I need to work on me and get myself together. He is out there on his own with this person that is way younger than him with nothing really in common other than they work together. He is almost 40, I am 38 and she is early 20's. Neither one of us smokes, she does. She gets drunk frequently, he drinks occassionally but not usually more than 2 times a week, I might drink 2 times a month. She has a kid that she has no relationship with and us, well, we have 2 that mean the world to me. Not sure if this is a mid life crisis for him or what but like I told him, I am not going to be the one that looks like a fool when all of this is said and done. Thanks for all the support and I will keep you posted. There was something else I just had on my brain but not sure where it went, when it reappears I will post it!!!

[ToF]

Man, way to go. You seriously held your ground like a champ. Don't lose that ferocity, okay? Promise??

 

You've still got the uphill battle of finding yourself again ... but look at it as an opportunity. You've dumped this weight that's been holding you back for all this time, and only now can you finally be happy in and of yourself. Breathe easy; you don't have to keep looking behind him and checking up. Just focus completely on yourself and your kids. Be there for them - I'm sure this is probably confusing for them. But make sure you are tending to your needs.

 

Do not focus on this girl he is spending time with. Dwelling on that will only slow you down, which you REALLY don't need right now. I know you're feeling pretty bitter about the circumstances, but his relationship with her is not your problem in the least. You've got to get yourself on the path of healing, and start thinking about whether or not you would really, ACTUALLY take this guy back (as a bf) ever again. My vote is that it's a bad idea, but you've probably got a lot of thinking to do ...

 

Looking forward to hearing about your progress!

[2kids]

My mind is all over the board right now. I am not even sure where to begin. This.....person.......just called because he wanted me to know that he will be back, that it's not like he intends to stay gone. And wanted to ask me if that was ok because he didn't know if I had plans on moving on with someone else. I went off!!! I told him if he didn't listen to anything else I ever said he need to listen to this: I am NOT out there looking for someone just because he is not here now. My focus on me is not finding someone else and I don't know where that even comes into the picture. I told him years ago that if he tragically died that I didn't ever want someone else to be around my kids like that. He also said something to the effect that did the kids know what was going on. I said that I had told them not to expect him to be around and that maybe finally I can get the house running the way I want it to (kids don't do things because they watch him not do things and when they do it is because they know I am getting irritated). I told them more than that...I also let them know that he made the promise not to take them around someone else so if he did I wanted to know about it. The kids get it. My son said he was never getting married. Funny I used to think the same thing. Back to the conversation - he still is acting like he has to "reassure" me that he will be back. He doesn't get it that I don't care if he is or not. I made peace with that today that is why I told him to leave and get his act together and figure out what he really does want because maybe, just maybe he will decide he really doesn't want to be with me, which is fine. He says the issues with me and him have nothing to do with who is with right now but doesn't get it that it absolutely does and that it is not helping matters because when it is all said and done he is still going to lie about that whole thing. The truth will never come out on his end. I got so ticked off when he called because he asked if he could drive my truck on Thursday (he goes out of town on that day for work). Keep telling him our names are on both vehicles so take what you want...I work at home and can't take all the kids out like that so why would I need it???? Stupid. I know this is confusing and I am rambling a bit but the anger is building again. I don't cry as much, but the pain is still there. He said he was going to be in the house tomorrow sometime because he had some paperwork to do....who cares....I am working so don't bother me!!! I am not going to his job so stay on the other end of the house and leave mine alone...you don't want to "be here" so when you are ignore me because I am not bothering you. Ever since I told him today to not talk to me he has initiated the convo. I guess don't talk to me until you get yourself together doesn't mean anything. Anyway, just needed to get that off my chest because I am tired and need to have a clear head to go back to sleep. Thanks again everyone. Good night.

[ToF]

He says the issues with me and him have nothing to do with who is with right now but doesn't get it that it absolutely does

 

For me, this is the key. As long as he is in denial about the pain he has brought into your life and the lives of your children, he's not going to make a whole lot of progress as an individual. For you, that means he is not going to change any time soon But it sounds like you've accepted this and are willing to move on with your life without him.

 

So what is your timeline here? You JUST kicked him to the curb and told him to get his act together, so you don't need to make any more rash decisions just yet ... but soon you will need to decide at what point enough is enough and to severe ties completely (assuming no progress is made in the relationship). As of right now, you're telling him to think about things and not to come around unless he's willing to own up to his BS and work things out ... but what if he never does? At what point will you be done? Just something to think about.

 

Again, you are literally astounding me right now. You are the "strong, independent woman" that every girl dreams of being. Just make sure that under that tough exterior you are taking care of yourself, okay? I know there is still pain there, underneath all that anger. So don't be afraid to face that part as well.

 

Keep us posted

[2kids]

You know, did I leave the ball in his court? I would like after this is "figuring out time" is done for things to be better, not "like they were". I also am dealing with how am going to handle this cheating that is going on right now. I want answers and I don't know if he is going to give them to me. I don't care if he is sleeping on the bleep's sofa, he isn't at home or living by himself dealing with our issues so I look at it as CHEATING. I am torn between just telling myself that since I know I am right, then does it matter if he does an admission? Does that make sense? Sorry I am kind of thinking out loud(?) here. I should have found this site long before I did and maybe I wouldn't be in this mess now.

[2kids]

Not having a good day today, he stopped in before he went out of town, as he does every Thursday for work), and tried talking. I wish he didn't come home today. I saw his phone on his desk and went through it. I saw all the texts between the two of them. I made sure when he got out of the shower that he knew I saw it. I inquired about what everything said and he told me I should not have done that. Why shouldn't I? I told him I wanted the truth since he found it in him to lie, the texts should tell me something. And then I did something that even surprised me........I CALLED HER. From his phone. I told her who I was and that he wasn't going to be with her and that she was stupid to be messing around with him anyway. I told her he wasn't ever leaving me for her so she could get that out of her head. She said I needed to talk to him about that and hung up. I am surprised she stayed on the phone that long. Probably pretty childish of me to call, but I couldn't resist. He kept saying I should not have done that as I was pretty upset after that. I thought I was dying. Ok, so anyway last night he text me and said he was thinking about how would he act if I started dating someone else, I asked why would he think about that, he said that I might move on (instead of waiting I guess), I told him that I guess he doesn't believe me when I say there isn't going to be someone else. Today he said that when he does come back I need to make sure whoever I have in the house I get them out. I really lost it then. I said who the h... do you think you are? Just because you want your space and think it is ok to be using that as an excuse to cheat does not mean that I am that way. I conduct myself as a married woman because that is what I am. Period. I thought I was doing good the first day or so but now I am not so sure.

[ToF]

I think you just need to take a step back and try to cool off. Your anger was a tool to help you do what you needed to do initially, which was confront him, but now I think it's starting to make you a little irrational. Looking through his phone and calling the girl he's seeing was not a good idea, IMO. You two are effectively broken up at the moment, so his actions are (believe it or not) not your business. Even in a relationship it's a major breach of privacy to go through your partner's phone without consent, even if you do have suspicions. That said, sometimes the ends justify the means when the cheater is caught red-handed through this method. But in your case, you already KNOW he's cheating, and has before. You KNOW he's seeing this girl, staying with her, etc. You even said it yourself in the above post. So why did you look through his phone? Because you are angry (rightfully so) and wanted ammo to throw at him. It was, as you said, an immature thing to do, but we're all guilty of immaturity sometimes.

 

What bothered me most was what you actually said to the girl Telling her that he won't leave you for her and that she's stupid for messing with him was probably unnecessary (again, I still understand completely why you did it). For one thing, you don't actually know if what you said is true. He is a cheater, and may very well leave you for her. It might be good for you to try and face that. He might decide that he is not willing to put in the effort to work things out with you and just go with her. And, if I may offer one more piece of constructive criticism, I think it's a cop-out to direct your anger at her. She is not the one who was supposed to be loyal to you; he was. Odds are, she had no idea he was committed to you or any other woman. I know it's really, REALLY easy to be angry with her for being the "other woman", but she is not the one to blame; HE is.

 

All that said, I think you're still doing really well. Try to get a very clear idea of what it is you want, immediately and in the future, because it's not totally solid at the moment. At first it seemed you were done with him completely (the preferred option, in my opinion!), but now it seems like you are fighting to stay together. So whatever it is you want, just try and focus on that. And always keep in mind that you cannot change this guy. He will not change unless he really wants to.

[2kids]

Alright, point taken. I agree with that...there is a great deal of background that I have not posted (and will at some point). Thanks for setting me back straight!!

[MrWallFlower]

You might be able to change him if you can convince him that you won't tolerate his BS. I absolutely would not give him any assurances that I would be willing to take him back. As long as he thinks you're going to take him back, he's going to do whatever he wants--you'll take him back. Do you see how he is suddenly wondering if you will move on? That seems to bother him. I'd let him know that he is not welcomed back and I would go so far as to go no contact. Right now he thinks he has you over a barrel--show him that he's wrong and that he can't treat you like that (and be prepared to do the no contact for a while.

 

No, it wasn't a good idea to call his mistress. It just showed her that you are hurt and that she is winning. If you were going to say anything to her why didn't you convince her that he'll do the same to her (heck, I would've told her that she wasn't the only one--that he already has yet another one on the side! That might have put a wedge between them). Anyway, she's not the villian--he is. He's the one breaking his vows. You needn't talk to her because it won't improve anything. Keep working on him. Make sure he knows that his decision will result in losing you. Tell him you are talking to an attorney and that you stand to get all kinds of alimony and child support. That will put a damper on his little party.

[2kids]

I hate life. It is awful. When are the tears going to stop? When am I going to feel like I can breathe? Anxiety is hitting me from all sides. I think I should have been the one to move out because the reminders are everywhere. He says he hasn't found a place yet, but why was the furniture delivered today? He doesn't know that I know about that. I wasn't this angry the last time he cheated. He acts like when he packs up some stuff that I am supposed to be ok with it. Most of that stuff is things I picked out or gave to him. What gives him the right? I HATE HIM. Life is so overrated.