I know it wasn't rape, but...

[Amina]

I think it was pretty close to it. I haven't had a boyfriend for my entire life until a little while back, and I am deeply religious, although I don't have a problem with other people having sex before marriage, for some reason I have a problem with it concerning myself.

 

This guy took advantage of my being sheltered as a teenager, and first borrowed large amounts of money from me that I now consider lost. I was new to this town and had very few people who cared for me. My family was at the other side of the country, and I didn't really know anyone. He put me in a position...I think...where I was on the far side of town at night without busses working and not enough money for a cab. (It was a public holiday that I forgot until after we left the cinema) So he offered to get his dad to take me back to their place, saying where I was was to far to drive me to. I was cold and scared and had no one else to help me so I agreed.

 

We had to share the same bed, and he kind of pestered me to take of my clothes, even though I wanted to sleep with all my clothes on. He then told me to jump on top of him and do stuff. There was no penetration at this stage, but I felt really horrible and dirty, I got upset and got off him, and he got angry. I sobbed and he let it go.

 

Because I've never had a boyfriend before I think no one else will want me, and he made me believe that he really did, so eventually, over time, I submitted to the 'if you don't do it with me, I'm going to leave you' because I didn't want him to leave me.

 

Every time it was painful, horrible and bland and left me feeling depressed and occasionally wanting to kill myself. Even after the first time I bled after, and I still have problems with that area now, even though we broke up half a year ago.

 

He also cheated on me but begged me to take him back, which I did. I later found out he was a shoplifter, by catching him doing it when he thought I wasn't looking, and I found a syringe in the bin in the bedroom. I thought somehow I could help him, but he'd never personally tell me he had a drug addiction. I tried to do so many things for him, but he never came around.

 

I always thought in a relationship I would be stronger, but I was so weak willed and submissive. Everytime we had sex I hated it, everytime he persuaded me to give him oral I felt like throwing up. I had some kind of breakdown when I saw him with a second girl after he stood me up and went to bash him up, but he was stronger than me and threw me away. He kept saying he would make it up to me and like a stupid dumb ***** I believed him everytime.

 

It is so hard to get over it, I eventually got rid of him by sort of learning to say no to sex which really pissed him off. I hated not bowing to his wishes, because I knew he would leave me. He did ironically as soon as my student pension was cut off when I graduated.

 

I now have an absolute hate for males, I can't think of ever getting involved in a relationship again, I feel so ugly, horrible, filthy and I hate myself so much for what I've done. I've always distanced myself from people, but now it's getting to a point of the ridiculous, but I can't let this out to anyone. I know he only went out with me for the money and the easy sex, and this makes me feel even worse.

 

I made a mistake here and I feel like I never can recover from whatever the hell it was.

[Alec]

Hey now, you might have made a mistake, but you learned. Just knowing that you made a mistake has made you conscious of it and bettered you as a person because you know not to make it again. You've been hurt, i'm so sorry, there is nothing more painful than caring about someone and them just slapping you around. Get away from him, that town even if you can. Take this time to be single and get friends to help you, no boyfriends, just friends. I know you prayed to god about this alot, your a very caring person who just got pushed around. YOu sound like a person who believes strongly in abstinence, just because you've had sex doesn't mean it's too late, pray to God and dedicate yourself again to abstinence and then stick by it. Doing this will strengthen your will as a person and really help you along the way. Deeply sorry for what you've been through, best wishes.

[WishMistress]

Sweetheart,

 

You made a mistake..and not all men are like this I promise. Yes, what he did to you is rape if you did not want to do it. Have you seen a doctor about your physical trouble? Being that he was with other women and using IV drugs you should be tested for STDs. I would hate for your entire life to be affected by this. A doctor could also help you with the emotional damage. I know how you feel, I have been raped myself, but it does get better and you do feel better. Please help yourself and talk to someone that you trust. I promise that life gets better when you do. HUGS.

 

Peace and Happiness to you!

[sisterlynch]

I guess that we all go through times where we feel abandoned and abused, but you got to pick yourself up and go forward some how.

 

It is ok not to have sex if that is really what you want, but you need to find some happiness in this world somewhere.

[abcd1234]

Hello Amina,

 

This guy is an anomaly, please dont let this affect your opinion of other guys, we are not like him. At least now you can avoid other relationships which you believe may turn out like that one but dont let it put you off dating altogether.

 

He is in the wrong and he obviously needs help, distance yourself from him as much as possible. You did very well to stand up to him like that, it was the right thing to do. He should never have made you do anything that you didnt want to and should have been far more sensetive to your feelings intead of just thinking about himself and what he wanted.

 

Please dont allow this experience to affect the image that you have of yourself - you will recover and you will eventualy feel better.

 

I can tell you now that a person like him will not get far in life.

abcd1234

[Celadon]

I made a mistake here and I feel like I never can recover from whatever the hell it was.

 

Amina, my heart goes out to you. I also grew up sheltered and so I know what it's like to be vulnerable to others. I have not had the experience you did, but that is only by the grace of God.

 

I hope you do not blame yourself for this situation. You were taken advantage of, but it was because you were trusting, which is a good quality. Your parents probably did not teach you to fend for yourself, so it is understandable you were not prepared to handle this situation.

 

If there are counseling services where you live, I would go to one. They should be able to help you work through the feelings you have as a result of this man.

 

You said you don't know if you'll ever recover. I hope you do. I don't know which religion you believe in, but I hope it is one whose God is a God of second chances, a God of hope, love and redemption. If so, then you know He has good plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future. Take care.