Feeling Down, want to break NC

[30yrold]

This is my first post, so I suppose I should give some details of my situation.

 

About me:

 

I am insecure. I had some events in my childhood that have left me with some insecurities about trust and feeling wanted that I have been working on for five years, and will probably continue to work on for the rest of my life.

 

However, I am an attractive, bright man working on a degree in psych, with a good amount of charisma. These gifts don't shield me from my insecurities, but only make them seem silly to other people. They are very real to me though.

 

I also believe that people are disposable in each other's eyes in today's society, but not in mine. I am willing to work hard on myself and a relationship, and to do things most men would not to make something work. Because of this, I think I have an unrealistic expectation that my mate should be the same.

 

I began dating a woman in February. I hadn't had a serious relationship in three years prior to seeing her. We met at a grocery store, as friends. She is 21 years old, and has a two year old son, and a three year old son, from different fathers. Her mother also had children very young, with different men. Her childhood held some trauma like mine, and because of that we were able to identify with each other. We hold similar values, goals, and priorities in life. Please don't judge her because of her age or her children. I have dated dozens of women, and she is a very unique and special person to have come through everything she has come through. She is very mature in some ways, but also naive in some others. This has a little to do with her age, but mostly with her socio-economic status.

 

Her mother had gotten pregnant as a teen too, and had never had her own place, just moved from man to man, and place to place, having a few more babies along the way. My gf was determined NOT to be like that, and wanted independence. This will come into play later.

 

Our relationship was WONDERFUL. Excellent chemistry, shared hobbies, I liked her kids very much. Our intimacy was spectacular. Our goals and priorities are in line with each other. We just generally got along great. However, every relationship had problems, and in the last month they became worse and worse.

 

I broke up with her about a two weeks ago. We had been discussing moving into a place together and looking online at possible rentals. She had been staying with me for about 4 months, along with her boys. After looking at rentals together for a few days, she decides she wants her own place instead. She said she didn't want to be like her mom, and always have to depend on a man. I understand this, as her trying to find her own identity, but I react badly. I took it as her not wanting to live with me, when in reality it was her wanting to live on her own. Two different things.

 

I asked her if she wasn't ready to live with me, then why was she living with me now? She felt uncomfortable staying with me after that, and there was some tension. Meanwhile, she was waiting to get approved at an apartment complex. My mom was leaving town for two weeks, and I was to house-sit for her and take care of her dogs while she was gone. My gf said she was uncomfortable staying at my place, especially when I wasn't there, so she was going to move back into her mom's until she was approved for the apartment.

 

I start to look around for a place and realize it will be tough to find one that fits my needs that I can afford on my own. I talk to a friend with a house that is getting divorced soon, and he says when his wife moves out I can stay at his place until the house is sold. Temporary deal. I inform gf of this and she is taken aback because his house is about a 40 min drive from her apartment. She loses it and says that we will never see each other, and my high sex drive will lead me to cheat on her with girls I meet in my classes at the U. I try to reassure her, but not making much headway. At this point, I think she had decided in her mind that it was going to end, and then began making some bad decisions without regard for my feelings.

 

We are still actively communicating, seeing each other, being affectionate, and she is not letting on that she is scared inside. I thought things were ok between us. A few days later I invite her and the boys over to my place for a bbq, since we had both been busy and working, and not seeing each other. She told me she was busy, and I had to press her for the reason. She was going to her ex's for his bday, with a few of his friends. I ask her why doesn't she just drop off the boys and hang out with me. No, she feels bad for ex, and wants to be there. I'm not very happy about that, but I am doing my best to understand why she would want to spend his birthday with him when he is such a huge jerk to her. He had been nothing but problems for her since the very beginning (habitual drug user, emotionally and verbally abusive, cheater, etc.). He had also threatened me indirectly by telling her he was going to kick my ass. He has threatened her multiple times of taking the baby from her, calling her profanities, etc. Just an all around piece of trash. Almost daily verbal assaults from him, and text messages throughout the night to her. He would also threaten to call CPS and have the kids taken from her because she has HPV. She would get scared, and I would reassure her. It is difficult to watch someone you love let them self be degraded by someone on a regular basis.

 

After I concede to her going over there, I ask her to come over afterwards, offering that the boys can stay too. She explains that they are going to be drinking (the adults, not the kids and she will most likely sleep at his place upstairs in the boys room. I made it very clear that I was NOT OK with that, and I felt that it was inappropriate for her to consider staying at his house when she was in a relationship with me. She disagreed and said she was sorry I felt that way, but that I shouldn't be upset.

 

I refrained from any contact with her for a couple of days after that because I was angry and hurt. It felt like a nightmare, I never thought she would do something that she knew would hurt me. I felt like she had chosen his feelings over mine.

 

I began to cool down, and we started talking again. After a few days of contact we decided to meet at my mom's where I was now house-sitting. I gave her directions and she arrived very quickly from where she was supposedly staying (her mom's). I also found it odd that she would leave her boys alone with her brother since he was not responsible at all, and would basically ignore them. Then she explained she put them to bed early, and he wasn't really taking care of them, just making sure nothing happened while they slept. This sounded strange to me, but I bought it because I trusted her.

 

We wound up having a nice time together, being very affectionate. The next morning she called me early, which was uncharacteristic of her, it was usually only text messages. I ask what the occasion is, and she says because she was so happy to see me again, and how much she loves and misses me. great

 

I think to myself, "Self, let go what happened because in the end it was just once, and now move forward because you and this woman love each other dearly." We chat a bit more and I ask what she is doing. She is making breakfast, and then getting ready to go meet her mom to go to her cousin's baby shower. SAY WHAT?? Aren't you supposed to be staying at your mom's? You are at Dan's (ex) place aren't you?!

 

Well I lost my temper and I yelled that it was over and she was a $#^%^ liar, etc.

 

She kept trying to call me back after I hung up and I ignored her calls. I started to miss her after a couple of days, and we were communicating a little bit. Mostly me chastising her, how she had hurt me, etc. Bad, I know. One night I was drinking and hadnt slept for two days, and I went crazy and sent her all kinds of nasty text messages trying to hurt her, like I was hurting. What a * * * * I am, especially after she had to endure that from her ex constantly. Ugh, I am so ashamed of that.

 

After two weeks, she is finally approved for her own apartment. I go visit, we fight, drink a few beers, get along, then fight again. I leave in a huff. She does explain to me that she as staying at her ex's because it was better for her boys since they have a room to play in, toys, etc. Ok, I get that, but can't the boys stay at her mom's with her a little bit before she gets the apartment? Dumb choice, but I did understand her her reasoning, just didn't agree with it.

 

She apologizes for fighting the next day, and that she still loves and misses me. I make it clear that I am open to reconciliation, but I can not tolerate her refusal to respect my feelings about her ex, and that she should have to separate herself from him REASONABLY. Obviously they will always have some kind of communication and connection because of the child.

 

Communication from her runs hot and cold. Sometimes she misses me, sometimes I wait in vain all day for a response from her, even if she initiates conversation. I express this to her, and say I don't feel that she is trying hard or at all to make things better between us. She basically tells me to relax, and that I broke up with her, so to stop torturing myself over it. She acts very casual about it, and that upsets me further. I feel like she just used me, and never loved me. I know that is my insecurity speaking, because I believe she loved me very deeply, and still holds some of that love inside of her.

 

I finally get sick of it because I had opened the door to reconciliation, and she was not (in my eyes) making an effort towards that. At some point, she told me that when I broke up with her, she was in so much shock that all of her feelings changed, and that her certainty of a future and life together with me had changed after that.

 

So in order to avoid the waterfall of emotions every day I had been feeling due to her on and off communication with me, I wrote her an email:

 

 

"I have made my feelings clear, that I would like to try to reconcile with you. You seem completely uninterested in doing so, and I think it is best for me to cease contact with you.

 

Please understand I am not interested in a friendship or to just "date" you. I wanted to build a life with you and do so by being a loving, understanding, and dedicated team.

 

I see clearly the wall you put up, and whether you realize it or not, you are pushing me away as hard as you can by not returning my calls, texts, and emails; in addition to be very cold to me. I am sure you are very hurt by thinking I did not believe in you, and because I broke up with you. I can't change your feelings about those things, all I can do is try to make new, and good feelings.

 

If things change in you, perhaps we can try to regain the deep love and trust we once held dearly. If you are ready to try, get in touch with me, but be CERTAIN that you are ready to have a serious relationship with me.

 

Otherwise I must move forward with my life and find happiness where I can.

 

All My Best,"

 

I have already broken my own NC rule by emailing her again today about getting her things back to her, and the toys I bought for her kids. I did it because I miss her. I feel like we both need time, and I am trying to force her to make up her mind, and see me.

 

She is an extremely sensitive woman, and I know she has walls up towards me right now for many different reasons. I know she has a right to independence, and I do NOT want to lose this woman.

 

I am a mess right now, and a lot of it is because of my low self image, feeling worthless, etc. I am speaking with a therapist currently.

 

Most people are telling me I am better off without her and all of her baggage. I do understand that, but at the same time, I need someone with baggage to feel close to them, because of all the luggage I carry too.

 

Sorry for the novel. If you made it this far, please give some advice on reconciliation. I know most of you will think I should give this woman up, but I whispered a promise to her when we were together while she slept one night, and I want to keep it. I love her dearly.

[30yrold]

Good lordy, I thought I was giving the abbreviated version too.

[CrapAtNC]

I'm wondering if one of your insecurities leads you to need to be with someone who you feel needs rescuing. I think you may be codependent. And I think this woman isn't the one for you, no matter how much you think others may not know her the way you do.

 

You're not the man to save her, not as you are right now. Once you have overcome your insecurities enough to be the strong, confident guy that she needs, you will no longer find that kind of woman attractive. Therein lies the rub.

 

I was in a very similar situation, with very similar events and emotions. It's the reason I came to this forum. I'm in a much happier, healthier state of mind now . . . and simply don't find my ex attractive in any way. I wish her all the best, but she's better off sorting her life out without my help.

 

Let go. Work on yourself. You can do much better and be much happier and fulfilled, I promise.

[30yrold]

I do understand what you are saying, and I had some similar thoughts. Although, I have dated women in the past who have come from great families and are very secure and confidant. I did not feel a deep connection with them.

 

I don't feel that she needs rescuing, however, I do feel that she deserves a chance at a good life.

 

My insecurities will always remain with me, they were imprinted at a young age, and are pat of who I am. I work on them regularly, and always will strive towards becoming stronger. I do appreciate the advice, and please don't be offended when I say you may not understand my complexities.

 

You are not the first to say I can do better, but I don't view people as better or worse, just as potential. Whether or not they meet their potential is a different story.

 

Thank you for the response CANC, but as I stated in my disgustingly long first post, I am looking for advice on reconciliation for now. Perhaps things will be different in the future, but that is where I am emotionally right now.

[CrapAtNC]

I understand. I just think that what you're experiencing is blind devotion rather than love. And I know from my own experience that there's nothing in the world anyone can say to stop you wanting to keep trying. It's a realization you have to come to by yourself, in your own time.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[30yrold]

She contacted me this morning about my emails.

Her: "It's very upsetting that you would rather have no contact with me at all, rather than be my friend. Do you care if I come over my next day off to pick up my things?"

 

I respond and hour later: "It was a hard decision for me, and I explained why. Anytime after 6:30pm any day of the week."

 

Her: "Is tomorrow ok."

 

Me: "Yes, that's fine, i'll make sure to be here. Please follow through and make sure you have room in your trunk."