I would NEVER think of killing myself here

[Sweets4u42]

I'm in England right now, on vacation from the states with my dad. I would NEVER think of killing myself here. But the thing is, when i'm actually at home, I think about doing it all the time. It would be so easy. And I can't tell anyone. I have a boyfriend who ''loves'' me and I know he would do anything for me, and I don't want to hurt him. I guess that is the main reason why I stop myself all the time. I am going to see a psychologist for another reason, my mom sent me against my wishes.

 

I've tried telling her that i want to stop going, that it isn't helping anything and we're not talking about anything important. My mom yelled back at me and said ''well then maybe the problem is with you, that YOURE not talking. you should start some of the conversations more and bring up YOURE problems'' I just kinda felt like saying..''thats not MY job'' the lady is nice and everything, but i'm not a very good speaker about what i'm thinking and feeling, and i constantly lie to my boyfriend when he asks me what i think, how i feel, etc.

 

I don't know what to do... Can anyone help?

[myplague234]

DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. It is the biggest mistake you can make and you can never fix it. It is also a sin that you can not b forgiven for because you are dead and you will go to hell for it. Just try and solve your problems never use suicide as an answer. Especially in a foreign country, imagine the impact on your family not only emotionally but also financially because it costs a lot of money to ship a body accross countries and it takes time as well. I just want to tell you, dont do it. You have the rest of your life to solve all your problems.

 

Life is a flower, why end it before it can truly bloom?

[maharito]

nan da te??

 

Wow, some parents... *scratches head*

 

I just don't get it. My mom was and is both loving and firm, as much as she could be. She encouraged me, quite kindly and sweetly, to do things like brush my teeth and clean my room. I resisted sometimes but when I found it better to cooperate because of the negative consequences for not acting, I enjoyed it. She gave me praise for acting smart when I was a wee lil kid, and it led to me wanting to do better in school. She used physical force a few times when I was young, and it taught me that there are more serious and memorable consequences for more serious problems (in her case, lying and mouthing off). But I enjoyed cooperating because she made my life enjoyable when I did. She was both stern and gentle, and knew the importance of the balance, even though I was the eldest child.

 

Though I would make a pretty poor parent in my state, I want to use her example when I am bestowed that special status. At least you have been going to the psychologist and not skipping out. If you feel it's not working out, you can try talking with other folks. Like you said, you want help--and probably deserve it. I'd give you a hug right now if I could...I encourage you to continue searching for folks to sort out your issues with.

 

I find it a bit disturbing that you'd lie to your boyfriend about your success in discussing your issues, or your desire to escape it all. I believe there is practically no point to dishonesty... If he would be scared of such a truth, then you don't have to tell him. But if he's the one asking...then what's the point of hiding it? That means that he at least believes he has a right to know, whether he's ready or not. I don't think he'd handle it well to find out later that you were still having those kinds of thoughts. This may be just the kind of issue that brings you two closer together--discussing the deeper issues in life, possibly discussing family relations and talking out how you can establish some self-worth even when your mom accuses you of not doing enough. The last thing you deserve is accusation. After all, you came here seeking help, right? You do care about yourself enough to do that.

 

And on top of that, I can already see that you're considerate of others' feelings enough that you don't want to harm them. But remember...if they do ask, do tell! And tell everything! Hopefully, this person whom you tell, your dad or BF (someone whom you already know cares about you) will find some way of handling it. You've been brave enough yourself to admit it to a forum. If you want to make a real impact, you must talk out the entire matter with someone who really cares about you.

 

If you wish...you may talk with me anytime you like...

[Dubz]

If u dont feel comfortable talking to this woman the see someone else coz it wont work, if u dont know how to say how ur feeling then pratise in the mirror before u see her, she is there to try and help u, it really does help to get it all off ur chest, when u keep it all inside it just boils up and eventually will come it in the wrong why, i really hope u feel better soon, take care

[PAdreamer]

Here's the thing... I know you don't want professional help. You feel like something's wrong with you- like seeing a psychologist means you're nuts or something. That's fine to not want to be there. But whatever is causing you to feel the way you do at home needs to come out in the open with someone that you don't have any reservations around. You may think you just don't like being around your mom or that it's just a bunch of outside sources. But usually, suicidal thoughts and tendencies come from something much deeper.

 

I had the exact same problem. I constantly thought of killing myself. My mom sent me to a few professionals and I never wanted to go. I didn't want to talk and I was sick of people trying to probe my feelings. I finally got so sick of it that I just gave in and talked like they wanted me to so I could tell them what they wanted to hear and they'd leave me alone. I thought it was stupid and that it wasn't helping. I didn't see how anything we talked about was relevant to how I felt. But miraculously it DID help! I discovered that I have severe OCD, clincal depression, and anxiety. Just KNOWING that helped a lot- I was finally able to put real names to what I was deling with. No one could say I was just being a Drama Queen or that I was trying to get attention. I had proof that what I was dealing with was real, and important.

 

I was on medication for three months. I hated it. I hated myself for having these problems. But it really only took three months. After that, I was okay. It's been four years and I haven't been on meds or had any problems related to my disorders. My point is that it may feel useless and unecesary, but you never know what types of things might truly help you. Stick with it. It sucks, but it could make it all better.