My GF's past seems to be hurting our relationship...

[XxMaErCs13xX]

My girlfriend and I have conficts here and there. I honestly think it's based on what has happened to her all her life with her father. He isn't a part of her life at all. When he was around he was, for the most part, just full of sh!t. He used to do the whole family dirty, from having affairs with her babysitter, to beating her brother, to lying through his teeth. He doesn't care for her at all. He never calls her, not for her birthday, on Christmas or any other holiday, not even on the day she graduated from high school. He won't call unless her brother tells him to call her, & that still isn't very often. But he's been full of nothing but lies and deceit.

But it seems when I tell her things she thinks I'm lying, or that I won't come through. She's told me that she doesn't fully trust me; she doesn't trust me with her heart. I'm so in love with her and I have totally opened up to her & it hurts to know that she doesn't fully trust me and hasn't fully opened up to me because of what has happened in her past. -

I've been through plenty of heart breaks with the ladies in my past and I was never able to open up to anyone after those incidents. But I meet her and she really cares about me and shows me that I can open up to a woman and trust her with my heart again. It honestly took a lot for me to open up to her, but I have & it seems I haven't gotten the same in return.

She gets on my case for the stupidest things too. Like the other day I tell her I was going to my cousins' house for a sec before heading to her house, and she just goes off. She starts saying, "oh, you're going to go there and stay all late and try to come here all late, i don't think so. you know what, just go to your cousins' house; don't even worry about coming over." Now, it takes me having to get all loud and worked up, but she eventually gets the picture that I'd only be ther for a little bit and then I'd head over to ther house. She always starts an argument about something stupid like that. I don't know if it is an issue with her not totally trusting me or what, but as you can see, it's a bit of a problem.

I love this gyrl with all my heart, and I know she loves me too,....but all this 'arguing over stupid stuff' is slowly starting to get old. I don't know what I can do about it. I don't know if it takes breaking up with her for a few days or weeks, or leaving it alone and letting her realize on her own that I'm not her father....that things can be better no matter what she's been through. I really want this to work but she needs to work with me too, ya know?? and if her past is going to keep interfering with our relationship, I don't know if I can keep on dealing with it, especially if i don't have to. - I just really love her and I don't want to give up on this love that I've longed for my whole life and finally found. - What can I do??

[jessijess]

It sounds to me like she's opened up to you at least a little bit. I had a useless father like you gf does, but not many people know how bad it was. I keep that information for those who i truly trust. Has she ever told you that her trust issues stem from problems with her father? If she has, just tell her that your not her father & that you would love for her to realize that you would never hurt her the way he did. Good luck with everything. PM me if you want to talk more about it

[brokenpogostick]

I'm sorry to hear that you're having issues. You are in a rough spot...I can understand the reasons that you would want to stay & the reasons you would want to leave.

 

If you really love this girl, maybe it would be a good thing for you to hang in there for just a bit longer. Reinforce your feelings for her by telling her exactly how you feel. Empathize with her, show her you love her. Prove to her that you are not like her dad and never will be because you care about her and you don't want to see her hurt. Let her know that you are there for her and that everything will be ok & she just needs to calm down a bit.

[Celadon]

Is it possible that you did once or twice say you'd go somewhere for "just a second" but then stayed longer than expected, leaving her wondering where you were?

 

People who have been abused are hyper-aware of what other people do. They may pick up on things that most people wouldn't even notice. Like, if you ever did say one thing and do another, and you didn't take responsibility for it or apologize for it, she could remember that. And that would erode her trust in you.

 

Certainly, it's possible she's just projecting her fears onto you, but you might want to talk with her and see if there was any time that you lost her confidence by what you did, so you can clear the air. It would be a simple enough thing to do. Plus, if it turns out she IS projecting, she might see more clearly that her fears are not founded on your behavior at all. Good luck.