My experience with recon; insight and advice

[Nappyloxs]

Ex and I were together for 3 years.

 

First breakup occurred in 2008. I don't remember what led to it, but basically we got into an argument and she just up and moved out the next day. We continued to talk and date and eventually moved back together 6 months later.

 

Second breakup occurred in August of 2009. Basically, the relationship got stall. We stopped doing things together. There was financial stress. And honestly, she wanted to get married, but we never really talked about it. (I realized this through hindsight).

 

December of 2009, we get back together because I begged, pleaded, etc......

 

After we got back together, she bought a house (I own my own house). I mention this because this ended up causing a lot of problems.

 

When we got back together, she went on a power trip. We tried to talk about our previous issues. We attempted counseling but she didn't want to go anymore after one session.

 

Here are some things that ended up happening after the most recent recon:

 

- I helped her with moving everything. Just me and her. I put everything up. Helped her find deals on everything. Ordered everything..... So when she ordered her washer and dryer, she got mad at me when I couldn't be there for the deliver. So her co-workers helped her. The next day she (and I at 4am) cooked them all breakfast. She wanted to say thanks to them. I never received anything, she told me I was her boyfriend and she expected me to do it. Mind you, I don't ask for anything in return, but just a little appreciation would have been nice. A sincere thank you, a nice dinner, would have been nice.

-Any time something went wrong on house, I was suppose to be there asap and fix it. Mind you I am not a handyman. When I do fix something, it is not always perfect. Example a picture may lean a little. Well she would get mad and say I did not do it right. Or if I don't know how to do it and would tell her, she would threaten to breakup or tell me how bad of a boyfriend I am. For example, she wanted me to install an evap cooler on her roof. (similar to central air).

-Anytime I suggested something, I was wrong and I still was told to fix it.

- Besides the house, we definitely did things together more. She started keeping track of who paid for what, yet she would forget what I paid for or how much it costs. She only counted what she paid for.

- Basically anytime she didn't get what she wanted, she threatened to breakup or told me how bad of a boyfriend I was.

- We once went out and she left me on the dance floor to dance with another guy. When I confronted her on it, she gave me one of those "I was drunk get over it" excuses.

- She checked out another guy in front of me. Grabbed his arm and started flirting with him.

- She started caring about her one friend more than me. For instance, if her friend wanted to do something, then she go with her friend. Didn't matter if we had plans or not. For instance, on her own birthday, you think she would maybe want to do something with her boyfriend. Nope, she wanted to do something with her friend and exclude me. (Mind you, I never have a problem with girls night out. My one ex. actually told me that it is one of my flaws. A woman should want to do something with her man over her girls).

- Besides never appreciation me as a boyfriend, she never appreciated me as a friend.

- Any time I need something, she would rarely help. For instance, I need a ride to the airport. Nope, she didn't want to wake up early to take me.

 

I really believe by the begging, pleading, etc... although I got her back, the power shifted to her and that was the only reason there was any reconciliation. Even when we got back together, she never really believed she did anything wrong during the first two breakups.

I know she was a narcissist, has OCD, and BPD traits.

 

Reconciliation must be a fresh start. I don't think you can avoid issues from the past relationship, but like everything else in a relationship. The two must work together. They must confront the issues, want to work through the issues, mutual accept responsibility for those issues, and resolve them together. But they also must treat it as a new relationship and have fun together.

[bar35]

I'll be perfectly honest, I didn't read your entire post, because I didn't feel that I had to. She is straight up emotionally/psychologically abusing you and it is only going to get worse.

 

Make no mistake, women are equally as likely to abuse men as men are to abuse women. However, men will report it as abuse much less often, and it will be recognized as abuse less often.

 

Get rid of her. Now. You will either get stronger, and keep your pride, or she will eventually crush you, fuk some other guy and leave you a trembling mess in the corner.

 

Sorry 'bout the tough love. And maybe I am wrong, but I have been there.

[bish0p2004]

^^^I think that they did stop seeing each other because of her power trip.

 

Anyways, the exact thing almost happened to me...but I didn't bend to my ex's will. This did cause her to go after another guy and reject me, but the break up was imminent anyway and I dodged a bullet with a woman who had 5 failed marriages.

[bar35]

Bishop, she did not reject you because you didn't bend to her will. She never knew you at all. 5 failed marriages says it all. No matter what you did or did not do, no matter what the next guy does or does not do, she will continue this course of failed relationships.

 

1st marriage in 20's= 50%+ chance of divorce with each subsequent marriage the odds rise exponentially.

2nd marriage=60%+chance of divorce

3rd marriage=75%chance of divorce

 

You didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged a bomb with a lit fuse.

[Nappyloxs]

I'll be perfectly honest, I didn't read your entire post, because I didn't feel that I had to. She is straight up emotionally/psychologically abusing you and it is only going to get worse.

 

Make no mistake, women are equally as likely to abuse men as men are to abuse women. However, men will report it as abuse much less often, and it will be recognized as abuse less often.

 

Get rid of her. Now. You will either get stronger, and keep your pride, or she will eventually crush you, fuk some other guy and leave you a trembling mess in the corner.

 

Sorry 'bout the tough love. And maybe I am wrong, but I have been there.

 

I totally agree with you. She would always say I was the controlling and manipulating one. All I every asked was for appreciation of the relationship, thinking in terms of "us" sometimes, and when I was financially struggling and we were living together, just a little more help financially, not alot just pay an extra bill here or there.

 

I was verbal abused. When I was in the relationship, it was "I can deal with it, it is just her being her or you put up with it because of love." But then the threatening and mini-breakups and then the crap with the other guys and the constant fix this now, I just really got tired and mentally from it.

 

I was doing great the 6 weeks of the breakup. 1 slip up of breaking NC. Recently I just keep thinking of her and can't remind myself of all the crap and how she has changed.

 

Thanks for the reminder!!

[bar35]

Let me tell you something my friend. Threatening to break up, or breaking up is abuse. The second that someone suggests that as an option it is like raising your hand to hit someone.

 

We as men live the social lie that we are not supposed to experience the emotions associated with the heart break of losing someone we love, but everyone knows it is a lie, and when that fear is used to control us, it is the same, if not worse than threatening to hit the person.

 

The advantage to being hit is that everyone can point their finger at the action and say "See! Right there! That is abuse!" But to be threatened to be abandoned as a method of control is equally as bad, if not worse.

 

Women who do this to men are just as malicious as men who hit women.

 

Be angry. She is most likely a calculating individual who has only her interests in mind. She is predicting your responses and banking on them.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks. I totally agree. Before this year, she would say something that she knew hurt me. I always tried to communicate it to her that it her me, but she didn't care. She would always bring it up. Not so much this year, but she still did a few times.

 

After a few of the threatening and mini breakups, I knew I had to get out of the cycle, so I started therapy. I swear she did it every week for about a month if not longer. It took me awhile, but slowly I was seeing the reality of the relationship.

 

Today, after reading your earlier post. It had me think if she every did cheat on me. I had thought about it a few times, but always brushed it off. But then I think about the week we broke up, I went out of town for a few days for work. She did not spend time with the before I left because she was hanging out with her friend. She also did not answer the phone until the evening. Of course, the day after I got back in town, we broke up. Although she spent the night, she picked the world most ridiculous reason to start arguing that night. Just from some of thing signs, I do believe she may have gone out on a date that week.

 

I can tell you know that I am angry. 3 years wasted. I feel like a fool for staying with her, for being heartbroken, for loving her.

 

But it is okay, it gives me fuel to move on and to become stronger. And that day when we walk past each other in a bar or on the street, she will regret having left me. When she calls crying because some guy dumped her or cheated on her, I will not be there for her. I am angry, not at her, but at myself for allowing myself to be so foolish.

 

Thanks bar35