Will we get back together.

[r6a6r6]

Just keeping the story alive......

 

We did go to a movie last Wednesday. (Anchorman)!! It was funny!

 

But we did get home and started talking about us. I just let her know that I didn't want to lose her and that things would be better if we were to get back together. But I also agreed with her and said that the break is a good idea. That I'm out of the phase of "needing her." She sounded a little surprised. Maybe I'm getting over her faster than she thought I could.

 

She did say that if we were to get back together and I didn't change that she would resent me. I told her that I didn't want to get back together right away. She said something about getting back together in five years.

What is that? It's like she isn't definetly not 100% sure of her choice. And she kind of has me on the back burner if nothing works out in 5 years.

 

I think she can picture marrying me (she says things like I'd make a great dad and husband, etc....) but she's not ready to get married yet.

 

She also expects that we remain best friends. Like she didn't even take the fact that I may not want to be friends with her into account in breaking up. She was kind of shocked that I told her we wouldn't be.

 

......She said she was tired and asked if we could talk tomorrow (Thursday). I said I didn't want to talk tomorrow and that we should say goodbye. (As in GOODBYE). She acted like she didn't believe it or that she didn't want to break down right there.

 

This is the time I made the decision for all-out No Contact. She came over last night to move some of her things out. I was with a friend hanging out and drinkin some beers and just sort of ignored her. Not in a mean way, I said hi and how are you doing.

 

I just hope and pray using no contact will bring her back. I know she misses me and questions her decision. And I know she feels guilty.

 

I have been thinking of what went wrong in our relationship. And I know it was a combo of being together too much, (We lived together for 3 out of 4 years of the relationship.) losing ourselves and our friends. We took the relationship for granted. And she would never tell me what was bothering her. If I didn't know, how was I supposed to fix it?

 

I just know having our space for now should fix her confusion.

 

What should I do?

[rich46]

Hi r6a6r6,

 

I only just found this website today, and I've just read this entire thread from start to finish. I can see some similarities in your situation with mine.

 

A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend told me she needed space and time alone (blah, blah, blah) but she wanted us to stay "best friends" as she couldn't bare the thought of not seeing me again. So for a few days I went along with this, and we would text eachother etc. I even went to see her on her birthday and we had such a great afternoon together, you know, bowling, laughing, joking and stuff. But when we got back to her house I became really upset because I knew I had to go home later that night (we live about 100 miles apart now we've finished uni). Read my full story here if you want to: link removed

 

My point is that I decided after that day that I couldn't go on meeting up with her like that. Sure it was fun while we were together, but I was back to square 1 when I left. The day after her birthday I was back to being absolutely devastated again. Right now I have distanced myself from her (not just in terms of miles). By that I mean last week we didn't contact eachother at all. Last night we spoke for about an hour but I left it by saying that I needed some time to get my head round this and I would text her when I had healed a bit more.

 

So I think you should definitely distance yourself from her, otherwise you will never move on and get over her. I'm lucky in a way because I live so far away that I don't have to see her every other day. I feel for you, knowing she is with another guy. I couldn't handle that and that is why I am so sceptical and unsure about being best friends with my now ex. It just seems totally impossible.

 

A point in one of your earlier threads hit home because yesterday on the phone she broke down crying and said "I miss you." That just confuses me more though, if she misses me so much then why the hell can't we be together???

 

You sounded a bit better and a bit more positive in your last post which is good to hear. I think you have done the right thing to do the No Contact thing, but make sure you stick to it. I was determined last week and I did it. I could see signs that she was starting to crack as she admitted that she'd wanted to pick the phone up and ring me loads of times.

 

At first I thought doing cool things together like the movies, shopping, bowling etc. would make her realise how good we are together. Not now though. I doubt she would ever come to her senses by doing that - why commit to a relationship with me if she could see me whenever she wanted, go out with me whenever she wanted.

 

I hope everything works out for you. You just need to be strong and sort YOURSELF out so if she does change her mind and wants to get back with you (maybe in a month, 6 months, whatever), you will be in a much better position. This is the advice that I have been given and is the advice that I'm trying to take on board myself.

 

It is incredibly difficult I know, but I believe in the old cliche that Absense Makes The Heart Grow Fonder. I hope it is true because I KNOW that me and my ex were made for eachother.

 

Good luck, and keep posting on here with updates. It helps me to interact with people in pretty similar situations, and hopefully it helps you too.

 

Rich

[r6a6r6]

Thanks a lot for the feedback. I hope everything works out for you. I guess I couldn't give you any better advice.

 

Thanks also to everyone following this thread. It means alot to me. Maybe when you're reading this you could send a little prayer or quick little thought that me and my ex will deftinitely get back together because it was meant to be. Sounds a little cheesy, I know. But every little bit helps. I'll do the same for you.

 

Well, I know I was going with the NC thing, but yesterday I get home and there's a long note apologizing for the day before when she came and got some of her stuff (how awkward it was.) Well, she came over later that night (last night) to get some more stuff.

 

She walked up to me and gave me a big, long hug. And under her breath said, "Oh, Sweety." ??????? I know, I'm reading in to things. But I KNOW she misses me.

 

Anyway, she invites me to come over to her new apartment (which also, by the way, is about one block east and four blocks south from my new place a two minute drive!) later that night to have some wine. I buckled and said yes. (After thinking seriously about it.) It just felt like the right thing. And it's going to be impossible to have NC until I move into my new place.

 

I was ok. I didn't bring up the relationship at all. And I AM definetly changing since the break. I am more happy, more fit, better looking, wear nicer clothes, more outgoing, funnier, etc....And I tried to show that last night. I think I did a good job.

 

Also, her grandmother is really sick and could be dying soon. I told her if she ever needed me to go home with her for any reason and support her I would. And also, her family took me in as one of their own and I really do love them. Especially her grandmother, she was really sweet.

 

.....So we were talking, just hanging out. (A mutual girl friend was there too). And the more we were talking I started to realize I'd be ok without her. She's not even the same person she was when I was with her for 4 years. She's hanging out with the wrong people. She is chain-smoking. (She never smoked when I was with her, she just started with the breakup, I guess she's nervous.) She's drinking heavily. Smoking other things...(Again, she quit when I was with her because I don't smoke.)

 

I can just tell that she is trying to compensate right now for what she missed while we were together. She's doing everything that she quit doing. (Not that I told her she couldn't or made her feel bad the whole time). I don't know.....

 

Also, I left to the liquor store to get more wine and I used her car. I saw in one of her compartments right in between the two front seats she had two of the love notes I have given her since the breakup. ????????? 1.) Why would she have them right there where anyone can see them? (Including new guy (guys)?) And 2.) Why would she have them right near her everyday where she can have access to them? Does she read them everyday and realize she's making a mistake?

 

I know, I may be reading into things too much. But then again I might not. Either way, I'll be ok. I will give her her space. For that is what she asked for. If you love someone, set them free. If it was meant to be, it will.

 

Necessary contact this week, No Contact from then.

 

Thanks again!

[r6a6r6]

How's it going everyone? Hopefully you're hanging in there. I've been reading your posts and offerring my advice when I can.

 

Time to add to my journal.......

 

 

I get home Tuesday and she's there. I help her move stuff. Before she gets ready to leave we start talking about us. I know, but this is going to be one of the last times to do so and it felt natural. After a while I start to get her to open up. This is good, considering communication was a huge factor in the split.

 

She says she does at times regret her decision. But she says she knows she's doing the right thing. I agree with her in taking a break. But I also tell her I'm completely confident if we do get back together, whenever that would be, that it will be so much better. I have learned from my mistakes.

 

She tells me the common, "I love you but I'm not IN love with you." That kind of sucks, but I know she does love and care for me and thinks about me. I know that some exes HATE the person they broke up with. And even sometimes that couple gets back together. So I'm not too bad off.

 

She brings up a few incidences that were misunderstandings. Little fights at the bar. She thinks that I'm too jealous and that I didn't respect her job. Which I can understand how she would feel that way, but they were just misunderstandings. It just seems too awful to end something for these reasons.

 

In a situation like mine, I would consider trying to honestly talk to your ex. Don't beg, plead, or cry or anything like that. But you can find out so much that they might not feel like telling you or that if they did they would hurt you or make you mad. If you never talk to them you will never know the truth.

 

This seems like my ex's problem. She had a problem opening up to me. I admit, at times, I would get irritated. But mostly I was open and willing to listen to things. Especially this. I would never yell at her or do anything over the line.

 

She thanked me for talking with her. She felt like a load was taken off. I said we should've done this a lot earlier. And that's what I've been trying to do since we broke up. And sadly, now, we are talking about these things. Maybe it's a start to something better?

 

I am thankful that I understand the situation a lot more. I know it wasn't just her running off with someone else. They aren't even serious at this point. I know they don't even hang out that much. I think it's just like a weekend date sort of thing.

 

She also told me if she wasn't seeing someone else right now that it might take her a year to get over our problems. Who knows now, but I really don't think it will work out with this guy. They are DEFINETLY at two different points in their lives, her being 24 and him being 37. And I know that she's not out at the bars and being a little "you know what."

 

I am glad that I have this time for myself. And before the breakup I admit I had thought of what it was like to be single and other people. But really I was just thinking and would have never done anything or completely break it off with my ex. But now I AM single.

 

After moving out I will definetly use No Contact. I think I have given her something to think about for now. She knows how I feel.

 

And I absolutely know she still wants me in her life, she kind of expects it. So she will be losing me too.

 

I don't know how long the NC will be. At least a month, maybe two. Maybe even more. I know if she breaks up with the guy, and we have mutual friends (her best friend is my friend's girlfriend and they live a few houses down from me), I will find out immediately. I think that would be a good time to break the NC.

 

Until then I will work on myself. If she lost the spark I will make a new one. She loves me, we just need the "in love" part. That fades in and out all the time with almost all relationships.

 

I will be irresistible! (When we met I was a drummer and in a band she liked. For a while now I haven't been playing and am not in a band. But I think if I start up again that will be what's missing.) (Also, I've been overweight but now I'm totally not now. I've lost like 40 pounds in 2 months and am looking so much better.

 

I will date others which I look forward to. And I will be ok. With or without her!

 

Thanks a lot! Good luck to everyone!

[56617106]

I think that you guys should start over, but not the way regular fresh couples start over. Go out and take it slow, let her bring the relationship up. be cool about itand she'll come around and everything happens for a reason, maybe this was to strenghten a weak part of the relationship.

[r6a6r6]

So should I NOT go with NC? Should I just play it cool and not care about the other guy? That's kind of tough.

 

Would me being friends with her right now show her that I am strong enough and DO absolutely love her. ( I think she hasn't thought that I love her 100% in the past, even I didn't completely know. I know now.)

 

I think maybe a month of absolutely NC wouldn't hurt.

 

I don't know.

[r6a6r6]

Hey people. I hope everything is working out for all.

 

I had a question....

 

Is it better to tell the ex that you want no contact or just after the last time you hang out tell them you're busy all the time?

 

For those of you that have been following my story, we are both in separate houses and don't have to have necessary contact.

 

But since she's helped me out so much with money and other things she asked me if she could do laundry at my house and I told her yes. I don't know if that's some sort of guilt trip to still hang out with me. I mean it costs like $2.50 to do laundry. And she makes like $30,000/yr.

 

She says when she comes over she will cook for me and bring drink. She came over Sunday night and we ate and drank together and she ended up crashing on the couch (although she woke up a few hours later). She seemed really comfortable at my new pad and it is a nice place.

 

I AM able to handle my emotions when I'm with her. And I'm getting better everyday. I DO like living on my own, and handling my business by myself. I think living separately will make things better. Not that we'll get back together, I'm not crossing my fingers. But it would be nice.

 

Also, funny enough, my landlord is a therapist and she handles a lot of couples. I told her my story and she thinks that my ex isn't over me and misses me. In that case I think a little no contact would be in order. It's just so hard because I NEVER call her or email her. But it seems when we are together and we're having a good time, before she leaves she invites me to do something and it's so hard to say no.

 

I guess I will have to. Thanks.

[r6a6r6]

Oh, the drama...

 

Last night the ex came over. She did laundry, we ate, and watched a movie.

 

It was good to see her and be with her, but the whole time I was thinking that this wasn't right. I CAN'T do this anymore. I honestly tried.

 

So I thought I needed to take the chance to talk about us because it could be the last time seeing each other. It did seem like she wanted to talk too.

 

I just told her that I couldn't be friends with her, that I've tried and I wish I could. But my feelings are too strong for her. She sees no problem in us being best friends. ?????

 

She's holding onto the idea of the way she feels about us now is the way she's felt the whole time. (For over 4 years.) (But she also says she loved me the whole time, so I'm confused!)

 

I told her that if she felt that way why didn't she tell me. At the time of meeting her and after I was in a great place to be single. I was in bands and going on tour and had SO many chances to cheat. But I never did. I chose to be with her. I didn't settle. I told her this.

 

At this point she started to break down and cry. I couldn't stand to see her cry so I held her. I told her not to cry and that I love her and care about her.

 

She said she needed somebody right now that would treat her right and make her happy. I told her I could be that for her. I HAVE changed, I am a different person. I'm happier and more outgoing. She just can't see that.

 

After telling her that I know we could work things out and how I feel she said that it will take time. ??????

 

She said that love and relationships shouldn't be this hard. I'm sorry, after four years and anytime after the "honeymoon phase" any relationship is going to be hard. They're easy if you don't work on things and you don't communicate to each other.

 

Again she brought up instances of where she thought that I've been jealous. She talked about her exes. It seems this is a big problem for her. There were times in the past where she wasn't honest about certain occurrences and I guess I've held some antitrust towards her.

 

Like one time about 6 months into dating we planned to go to the lake. A guy shows up and I didn't know who it was. I decided not to go (not because of him, I was just tired.) She gets home kinda late. After a couple weeks I find out it was her ex and she took him home and they hung out. I guess he was trying to get her back. Nothing happened, but a little while after that I saw an artbook on her table and was looking through it and there was a poem saying that the day at the lake was the best day of her summer. ????????

 

This whole time she hasn't been honest about that night, so I have been a little untrusting. Even last night I find out that she didn't hang out with him at his house (eventhough that's what I've thought this whole time.) And now this has ruined our relationship.

 

She also accuses me of not liking her friends, including exes, eventhough she has always sold me the bad parts about them. And she thought that she couldn't be friends with them, so I turn out to be controlling. What, was I supposed to defend them eventhough she was telling me how bad they were? I was just sticking by her side.

 

These are just stupid reasons to throw away what we had. I told her that I don't care about all this stuff anymore, I'm done with it. I'm not holding onto it anymore. I haven't even acted jealous about her new thing.

 

I found out from a mutual friend that they aren't even serious.

 

She just wants her own life right now and the freedom to do what she wants. I told her that I've never wanted to be controlling and that she could have done this the whole time. I told her we can have our own space.

 

This getting long. I just know from talking about things with her that it sounds like she's not over me and not sure about her decision.

 

I guess all I can do now is not talk to her. I told her that if we can't work on things that I don't ever want to talk to her again.

 

A little harsh, I know, but that's how I feel.

 

Thanks for listening. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I hope everybody's situations are going good. And I hope you have a great day.

 

Hang in there!

[rich46]

Hi,

 

My situation is similar to yours. My ex wants us to be best friends but I told her it was not possible. So we have now had 10 days of No Contact, who knows what she is thinking? But it is for the best. It sounds like you did nothing wrong so don't beat yourself up over it. I acted in a similar way looking back, but can you blame us if an ex shows up and your girlfriend isn't completely honest? You have done the right thing, you need some good old fashioned No Contact time. That is the only chance you will get of moving on, plus it is the only way to make her think about the possible mistake she is making by letting you go.

 

Sorry I can't be of much help, but I know how you feel. I'm doing the same thing as you, i.e. No Contact. Just don't give yourself a hard time, like you said you never cheated on her even though you had plenty of opportunity. Let her go, you had every right to have a bit of antitrust.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[r6a6r6]

Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

 

I hope NC is working out for you.

 

It just sucks, you know.

 

Sometimes I think if our exes new exactly how we felt, if they could just crawl into our hearts, that they'd know we were meant to be together.

 

Good luck!

[JustPlainSad]

Well her hanging out with an ex, not telling you and the saying it was the best day of the summer definitely will and should raise trust issues. I dont see why she should hold that against you. She was the bad one there not you. Would she be mad with you if you talked to your exes or spent all day and night hanging out with one of them> My guess she wont be to thrilled if that occurred. If she would be OK with that then you would have to look at the compatibility between you two. If you feel you have changed for certain and you will not regress to old habits and feelings then that is a good thing. You seem to have voiced this to her. She knows what you have said. The only thing you can do is show her. You should not talk about her exes or who she is seeing. Literally force yourself to dont care about them. Thats the only true way to get over this. There will always be a tendance to be jealous. Everyone can be and its natural. But what you have to do is figure out of you can live completely happy with her being as open and friendly with men and exes. if you cannot the the relationship cannot last or happen. Your feelings must be deathly true.....

[r6a6r6]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I can completely handle her having men friends and exes. That's not a problem. As long as a couple are completely open and honest and committed to each other none of this should matter.

 

And she WAS jealous. I had a girlfriend who was best friends with a good friend of my ex and I's. One time we went to a party at their house and my ex had such a hard time being there. She even cried. She said that she was prettier than her. I told her she wasn't and that she was beautiful. I wanted to be with her and that I loved HER. I guess she didn't listen.

 

And it's weird, whenever I told her she was beautiful she would roll her eyes or something like she didn't believe me.

 

Why am I so crazy about her?

 

Thanks!

 

I didn't even talk to my ExEx. I didn't even want to be her friend. But it's ok for her to be jealous but not me when she wants to be friends with all her exes?

 

What the hell?

 

She was even mad last night about me looking through her artbook that summer. (Four years ago!) I mean, it was laying on the table, had a bunch of band stickers on it, and contained her art. Why couldn't I look through it? I loved her as an artist, and I wanted to look at it. Go Figure!

 

I can't believe this.

[rich46]

Mate, join the club. In my experience, the women Ive known have been a strange breed and it is ok for them to get jealous, but not you. It is extremely confusing and I don't think I will ever work women out. I'm not being sexist, it's just the experiences I've had.

 

Yet still I am totally in love with my ex. I can't explain why. Actually I can, but there was certainly a part of her that was jealous about the slightest thing, but I wasn't allowed to be at all.

 

So there you go, I am just as confused as you.

 

Rich

[r6a6r6]

Thanks for everyone's feedback.

 

Sorry about so many posts, I just feel I need to let all this out.

 

There was some unresolved issues from last night so I emailed my ex this morning as follows.......

 

 

 

It really kills me to know that I've hurt you.

 

I wish I would've known how you've felt.

 

I wish you could see how I've changed. I hope you don't think that I am not learning and growing from this experience. I care about you so much. And I want to be with you and work things out.

 

I wanted last night to be a good time, but I'm just not ready for it. I can't switch to being best friends from two people who loved each other this quick. I tried. I don't know if I'll ever be able to.

 

My feelings for you are just too strong. And the fact that you're in a different place scares me. I am just so disappointed in myself that I messed things up with you. I can say sorry or that "I wish I could do it all over again" until I'm blue in the face but I know it won't change things. I can also say that things will be different if we try again, but that isn't fair to you. I don't have your trust.

 

You mean more than anything to me, you really do.

 

I know I hurt you. I didn't treat you the way you should be treated. I know that. You deserve someone who will. And I am happy you have that, but it just hurts. Because I know I can be that person for you.

 

I wish there was something I could say that would let you know how I really feel.

 

I truly love you with all my heart and soul.

 

I wish we could just start over.

 

I want you back and I would do anything to make that happen.

 

You don't owe me anything. And I don't want you to feel guilty or bad in anyway. I don't want anything from you. I DO want you to be happy. I always have.

 

Hopefully you have an idea of my feelings and I won't bother you anymore.

 

I don't know what the future holds, but I just want you to know how I feel and that I really care about you. I'm lucky to have met you and to have spent a lot of good times with you.

 

I got to love you and I got to have you love me. And that was such an amazing feeling.

 

I will take that with me until the day I die.

 

She responded recently with.................

 

Bob,

 

Please do not feel bad at all. I take responsibility because I should

not

have asked you to spend time with me so soon. I f***** up.

 

You are absolutely right in not wanting to see me for awhile. I don't

know

why I didn't recognize the importance of that earlier. It was flat out

not fair for me to be there last night. All I ask you to know is that

my

walking out last night was because that fact finally dawned on me. I

wasn't

trying to just leave to be gone. Please know that.

 

Take care of yourself. You are an amazing man. You see things

differently

now & I can see that.

 

Please feel free to write me ANYTIME about ANYTHING.

 

adieau...

 

 

Any thoughts?

[r6a6r6]

Thank God for this sight and everyone on it! It's helped me out a lot.

 

I've just been thinking about sending the email and if it was the right thing to do.

 

In the time we've been broken up I think I've done a pretty good job relaying to her how I've felt and the fact that we really started to talk about our relationship hopefully has gotten the ball rolling in her mind.

 

What does her response in the email sound like? She says I'm right in not wanting to see her for a while. A while? I pretty much don't want to see her until we can work on things. She knows that.

 

She also says I can contact her anytime about anything. (I'm not going to until she contacts me, and even then I'll take my time.) ????

 

She also says that she can see a change in me. That sounds good.

 

I'm an "amazing" man? That sounds a little condescending at this point. If I'm so "amazing" why does she not want to be with me?

 

I know, I'm looking in to things too much. I do over-analyze at times, I admit!

 

Would No Contact be a dangerous step at this point? The seed is in her head. Or should I keep trying to explore fixing the relationship with her like Shocked and Dismayed?

 

I know I am shooting for AT LEAST 2 weeks to a month NC.

 

Hopefully her rebound won't work out.

 

Thanks for listening.

[shockeddismayed]

R6A6R6

 

Man... I don't know that you should be using me as a poster boy for anything.... but even if you chose to, recognize... as you said yourself that every situation is different.

 

But just to clarify:

1) I did do NC as much as possible for the first 2.5 months. Just as I advised you at the beginning.... and I didn't start "hanging out" with my ex until month 4.

2) By the time I got back into contact with the EX, the other guy was no longer an issue.

3) She is telling me she wants to try again, but wants to get some help with counselling first so that she doesn't do the same passive-aggressive things again.

4) Even with all of those facts, I am back doing NC for the most part and letting her lead, b/c frankly, all of my effort exhausted me and I know now that I can't change her decision. Only she can do that.

 

So... just a couple points on your situation... and I'll be a bit blunt... I apologize:

1) Your ex hasn't said she wants to work on things... to me that changes the strategy.

2) You haven't done NC for any appreciable time (from what I can tell).

3) You know as evidenced by last night, that you aren't ready to see her...

4) She will probably make an overture in your direction in a week or two, at which point you will be higher than a kite... you'll think this is the beginning of a possible reconcilliation, and things will repeat again... that's happened to me... it happens to all of us. Be SURE that you are in a place to deal with that.

5) You have read MyJoy's posts and quoted them, yet you went DIRECTLY against his guidelines by TELLING her that you've changed. Remember, that she needs to see it for herself.

6) You can't control your EXs emotions.... your email was trying to do that. Yes it was honest and how you feel... but it doesn't change that it was written in an effort to bring her back.

 

Stop for a second and ask yourself what you think is best for YOU right now, without any consideration for how it impacts her.

 

I think you know that you need time (and sufficient time... not two weeks, that isn't enough) to heal and recover. In 6 weeks if you are still willing, you can ALWAYS call her up for a coffee. She is already dating someone else, so there is no rush to get in there before she finds someone.... she already has.

 

The best thing for you is to regain your confidence and inner spirit. When you truly feel you can take it or leave it, go back and see how YOU feel... forgetting what she feels.

 

This could still all work out for you... but right now I think the odds are more in your favour if you take some time away for a bit.

 

Just my opinion... remember... I don't have my EXGF back.

[LostAngel]

HI R6

 

REMEMBER YOUR ADVICE TO ME...

 

"GIVE IT TIME"

 

She already knows & has told you that you are an 'amazing person'.

 

That is why you need to back off a bit & GIVE HER TIME TO MISS YOU...

 

She knows exactly how you feel about her -You don't need to be telling her anymore -SHE NEEDS TIME TO FEEL -HOW LIFE WITHOUT YOU IS.

 

SHE will then see how much -YOU REALLY MEAN TO HER

 

--SHE WILL BE WANTING YOU BACK.. JUST AS YOU TOLD ME ABOUT

MY EX BOYFRIEND...

 

REMEMBER...

 

I hope I helped a bit

 

BE STRONG

[r6a6r6]

you two are totally right, i have been slipping i admit

 

i am determined to nc, honestly, and i won't respond if she contacts me

 

thanks for your advice, i will listen this time, no matter what.

 

i'll be keeping an eye on your happenings

 

have a good weekend

[LostAngel]

Hey r6

 

Thanks for the reply

 

Keep strong & see how it goes with the NC thing. You have never really tried it properly before, so see how it goes.

 

I hope it will give her a wake up call. BUT JUST KEEP IN MIND

"IT TAKES TIME"

 

I will be away for the week but as soon as I get back will check on how you & everyone else is doing...

 

Im going away on holiday & hope it will give my ex a wake up call...

 

THE PROBLEM IS I SPENT A BIT OF TIME WITH HIM ON THURSDAY

(WE HAD A GREAT TIME) BUT WHEN HE LEFT WAS UPSET.

 

I CALLED HIM AFTER THAT TO ASK IF HE WAS UPSET WITH ME & HE SAID NO & SOUNDED AS THOUGH HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME, SAID BYE & PUT DOWN THE PHONE...

 

THEN I HADN'T HEARD FROM HIM, SO CALLED HIM ---NOW HE HASN'T CALLED BACK.. NOW IM GETTING A BIT WORRIED & HOPE I HAVN'T PUSHED HIM AWAY EVEN MORE...

 

I'M NOT SURE IF HE IS UPSET BECAUSE I'M GOING AWAY OR IF BECAUSE WE HAD A GREAT TIME (HE MAYBE FEELING A BIT CONFUSED)

I WISH HE WOULD JUST TELL ME WHY HE IS UPSET IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

 

For now I have decided to keep NC with him -I havn't spoken to him since yesterday afternoon & IM NOT CALLING HIM... Even when I leave to go on my week holiday I AM NOT GOING TO CALL HIM...

 

I HATE THIS (BUT YOU KNOW IF NC WILL WORK TO GET THE ONES WE LOVE BACK (IM WILLING TO DO ANYTHING...

 

YOU ARE RIGHT (US ARIES ARE PRETTY STUBBORN.)

 

BUT WE ARE PASSIONATE PEOPLE & KNOW WHAT WE WANT...

& WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET IT...DO YOU AGREE...

 

I HOPE WE CAN GET OUR LOVES BACK... JUST KEEP BELIEVING & NEVER LOOSE HOPE ( THATS WHAT IM TRYING TO DO)

 

Il get back to you when Im back...

 

I hope it all goes well.

 

LostAngel

[r6a6r6]

Well, some of you were right. She DID contact me.

 

I got a lengthy email from her this morning. She told me how her grandmother was doing and that her parents said hi. She said she really hopes that I'm well and told me to let her know how I am.

 

How can she request me to let her know how I am? That's an open invitation to break nc so she can talk to me. It's been less than a week and she has to know how I'm doing?!

 

It kind of seems no contact is working because it's only been since Tuesday night since we've had any contact. I know this email doesn't really mean what I'd want it to, but she knows she shouldn't be contacting me. I told her Tuesday I was giving her the space she so desperately needed and that I didn't want to talk to her again, at least for awhile. She agreed that we shouldn't be friends for awhile.

 

It's just an email from her was the last thing I expected to see this morning and it's just playing with my emotions.

 

She said her parents are coming down this weekend and they had something for me. She asked me a week or so ago if they could come and see my new place. So what should I do? I wouldn't mind seeing her parents but I don't really want to see her (I really do, but I can't, if you know what I mean).

 

It just doesn't sound like she's getting it.

 

What should I do?

[r6a6r6]

Well I have been learning some things lately. One is that No Contact does work, if it's respected from both sides. Even if the ultimate thing to be gained is a friendship.

 

I'm also learning to deal with jealousy. If I get back with her, or in future relationships, I will feel lucky that I've had this chance to learn and grow from my current experience.

 

Another is definitely patience.

 

I was doing alright for a week (as well as I can be) and the last email got me thinking about things. This one and all of her recent ones have been inviting me to contact her. After everything we have been talking about (us) she still wants me in contact with her. She is still being friendly, ignoring the numerous times I told her I can't be (not for a while).

 

The last time we saw each other I told her that I love her, want to be with her, and that I know we can work on us. She said that will take time. She also said if I really love her I will give her this space and time. I agreed to giving it to her. I've already told her this everytime we've talked about us. It sounds like some sort of test. It doesn't sound like someone who never wants to be with me again.

 

I know we can't get back together immediately, I told her that I agreed with that, I need the space and time just as much because i have been hurt also. (Probably more than she was.) But I don't want to hear that there's definitely no chance when there is one.

 

I was doing well with NC but she pulls me back in in a way that is telling me I have hope. I know, could be risky. One of the last emails she sent told me that I could email her about ANYTHING at ANYTIME. What???

 

She also apologized for coming over last Tuesday night saying it wasn't fair to come over and spend time with me so soon. That she respected my wish for space 'for a while'. Like she doesn't think I can hold out for that long? Or she won't be able to?

 

And the last email actually ended with "thanks for keeping in contact." ?????

 

It sounds like the tables are turned. She can't go NC with me. ????

 

I do know that her current relationship is 100% a rebound and I have heard it both from her and her best friend that it isn't serious.

 

If this is showing me how to love her, than that's what it is.

 

I would be in a different place if she hasn't been sending these mixed signals. What does it sound like to you?

 

I woke up this morning feeling I needed to communicate to her what I'm feeling. I normally wouldn't, but it sounds like she is inviting it. At least I know I won't be pushing her away.

 

We broke up because we weren't dealing with these issues and she didn't know that I loved her. If I have an opportunity to show this, why should I not take it?

 

In the letter I let her know I have been learning from the problems we had and I acknowledge her side of everything. I was agreeing and non confrontational. I tried to give her the sense that maybe she didn't fall out of love with me, that she fell out of love with my issues. At the end I invited her to call me if she needed to and I gave her my new number, she didn't have it yet.

 

I haven't sent the letter yet. I think I will and then not contact her for a while. I admit it's breaking the whole nc theory, but at least we haven't seen each other for a while. And I don't plan to anytime soon.

 

Thanks for listening!

[r6a6r6]

Maybe I shouldn't send the letter?

 

I'm so confused!

[the_Monk]

I would suggest holding off for a bit. She seems to be holding on but not pulling you back in far enough. I think what you want to say is completely normal, i haven't reached that point yet, but the thought is already coming into my head....DON'T do it. Its something that needs to be done in person.

 

I, if you can, contact her and ask to go for a coffee and find out what she is feeling, you'll know so much more and have that much more firepower. You'll also know exactly where she needs reassurance. Then, go NC for a little bit and see if she contacts you, if so, then you can tell her what is on your mind.

 

This is just my two cents, i'm not against sharing your feelings with her, i would, however, suggest being wise about it and not doing it through a letter which can be interpretted in so many ways, some of which you may not want.

[r6a6r6]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I came to the same conclusion last night. I'm not going to send the letter. Maybe if she contacts me wanting to do something, I might. But I don't think I'll contact her asking her to do something.

 

I think I already know how she feels, I'm not sure if anything's changed.

 

Last time we saw each other (about ten days ago) we talked and she said if I loved her I'd give her the space and time. Well that's what I'll do.

 

I just miss her a lot. I know she does too. Even if as just a friend.

 

I did get some good news last night. An old friend asked me to be the drummer in his band. That will open up some new opportunities. They're pretty well established so we'll have gigs and stuff. That's a positive. I sure could use to bash some drums right about now! (And at the time of her breaking up with me, I asked her why she 'lost interest in me' she said because I haven't been drumming and in a band in a while.) I know it's pretty F'ed up of her. It's like some movie (Airheads, Wedding Singer)where a chick is into someone when they're in a band and things are going great but when the band splits or something they're outta there.

 

Thanks for listening!

[r6a6r6]

The more I think about this crazy mess the more I realize that it wasn't our 'problems' that caused the split. I think she was just using them as an excuse. (Also, her wanting to be independet, etc.; load of BS) They weren't a problem before, she never said anything this whole time. They just became a problem as soon as the new guy shows up.

 

Before I found out there was another guy, she said it was the problems. She said she 'started fallling out of love' with me a couple months before the split. But after I found out, she said something started with him (not anything serious) a couple months before the split.

 

Hmmm?

 

She just wanted to be with this guy. And to make things worse, I know that they're not serious. ????????

 

So what's going to happen? Their relationship is built on stress, guilt, curiosity.... (pretty much on a negative platform). Our relationship, if anything, was based on a loving commitment. Plus, there's no way it couldn't be considered a rebound. So what then? When she's done with him she thinks she can come back to me?

 

Since it wasn't our problems, and it was just her being curious about what else was out there, what happens if/when her and him fall apart?

 

I've just entered the anger zone of dealing with this. Realizing I have been completely F'ed over. I absolutely know there's going to be a time when she hits the bottom, and she'll come back crawling to me (even just as a friend). What am I going to do then? I can either slap her and tell her to get the hell out, or I can forgive her and let her back into my heart. I think the longer she waits, the more likely of a chance I'll chose the slapping part.

 

She better make up her mind quick.

 

Sorry. Just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening!