should I have sex with him...?

[Spanish eyes]

Hi!

I posted a message a couple of days ago. Anyway, I met this guy last Saturday that I really like. We've met 4 times ever since and I'm beginning to have a MAJOR crush on him. The problem is he gets too sexual and I don't feel comfortable about that. It's partly my fault because I've been to his place already and maybe I shouldn't...

I'm still a virgin despite my age and he just keeps asking for sex. I've told him I want to know him better first so that I can feel more comfortable but he doesn't seem to understand. He just kind of gets angry and says he feels like it so much. Today he told me he doesn't want to look for sex somewhere else if it's ME that he likes. I get the feeling that it sounded more like a menace. Like he was underlyingly telling me: "either we have sex or I'll have it all the same with another girl". Do you think I'm being paranoid about it? I mean, come on, I know I'm old enough for sex- everybody I know around my age has already done it. But I think he's pressing me so I don't feel comfortable with that. I just don't know if I should please him or wait till I do feel easier about it. I just don't want to lose him now that I've but met him!

[brokenpogostick]

i don't think you should do anything you don't want to do or are not comfortable with. yes, i think he's trying to tell you to either give it up or he's gonna get it elsewhere and that's wrong. if that's the case then he's not in it for you, he's in it for himself and his own physical pleasures. that tells me that he doesn't care or respect you a whole lot and that's unfortunate. you need to sit him down & tell him exactly how you feel about having sex...that you want to or whatever, but it has to be the right timing and if he can't have some patience then fine, get out. i'm sorry that he's putting you in that position, but honestly, if you're not ready, you're not ready. if you do this before you are, then you are most likely going to regret it & not enjoy it, possibly even traumatize yourself. don't let him pressure you...do what YOU want to do.

[gogol]

At then moment that he "threate" you by saying that he'll sleep with someone else if you don't, then you should have realized something. He doesn't care for you like a better guy would. He shouldn't have to try and force you to have sex with him when he is fully aware that you are uncomfortable. He is obviously pressuring you and its more than likely that most of what he wants is sex. If he had truer feelings for you, he'd understand and appreciate that you've never had sex before and the reason you won't have sex with him.

 

Also, sex is supposed to be with the one person that you'll spend your life with. It's designed for one person alone. I highly doubt that this is that one person that you're going to spend your life with. I'm glad you're uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping with him. You should be. He isn't "sleep with me" material.

 

Hope this helps.

[JonnyG]

I agree with both of the above . He seems very desperate to get down and do it, considering u haven't even known him that long, less than a week. If he's asking u for sex already and is getting annoyed that u want whip your panties down for him straight away, then to be honest, I don't see him staying around that long after he's had it. He doens't sound all that great to me with that attitude.

[brokenpogostick]

oh wow, i missed that part about only knowing him a week! he's a loser if he's gonna do that to you right away

[Tinkerbell]

Hey there,

Just because a person has reached a certain age certainly doesn't mean that they should throw sex into a relationship right away, and this guy should respect the fact that you want to get to know him better before you become so intimate. You've waited this long before having sex, don't lose your virginity to a guy who's pretty much threatening to get it elsewhere if you don't "put out." You should be completely comfortable with one another before taking it that far, and, (in my opinion) in love. If he cannot respect that than he's not worth it.

[Beec]

Well, if you are not comfortable with it, then don't. Who wants to make their first time feel even more uncomfortable than it normally would by making it happen under threat.

 

Then again, you don't want to lose him, so something tells me you want it, but when it feels better or comfortable, that is you are not waiting forever or until marriage. So the real question is how do you get what you want, isn't it? (I don't think there is anything wrong with this, but I'm not sure my opinion matters.)

 

How to do two things than seems to be the issue: 1. get him to back off and not pressure you, so you do feel more comfortable and it can happen when you want it; and 2. how to make sure he knows or at least has to deicde that he sticks around for you and you alone.

 

For the first one, tell him. I had a co-worker who complained a few years ago that she liked her new guy but he always pressed for sex, and that turned her off. So while she would have had sex if he did not press, when he pressed she got turned off and nothign happened. She also explained to me her idea of good sex was to tease each toher all day or night, to build up some tension, then release it in the end. So, she tried to do this, made him get turned on, made him think he might get some, then when he pressed for it, they went into a spiral downward and away from sex. After telling me, the next weekend was fine, they had sex and things were honky-dory. What did I tell her, just let him know with a little flrit in her eye the moment he first pressed, that is he didn't he might get lucky. In a sense, tell him that if he does not pressure you, he is much more likely to get lucky. Actually, I'd probably tell him, he won't really be getting lucky, that you want to do it, you want to do it with him, you just have to make sure it feels right.

 

With this message, you also need to let him know, by telling him then and there, that if he cannot wait for you, then he should let you know. Let him know in no uncertain terms that if he waits for you, you will make it worth his while. But, if he doesn't want to, well, you can be friends.

 

Your message is two fold, and he should understand if he is a decent guy. I am editing because I missed the week thing too. If he is pushing after one week, then I'd wonder about him. If he did it in a somewhat flirty manner, I mgiht not take it so serious.

 

Finally, consider some interim steps. I've dated a few women who kept their virginity longer than you did and I had the opportunity to be their first. In most situations, I turned it down. I wanted to get some, but knew it was not going to mean anything to me besides getting some. That does not mean we did not enjoy ourselves.

[lady00]

deleted.

[hurtabandoned]

If he cares then he won't mind waiting until you are ready. It's not like he's been waiting endless months or anything. If he goes somewhere else then you know you were better off.

 

Wait until you are comfortable. He should respect that.

[woobiegirl]

I agree with everyone who said "Absolutely NOT!" I strongly agree with what Tinker said...

If he cannot respect that than he's not worth it.

This to him could be looked at as a "challenge"...and 1 week sure isn't long enough to get his nose out of joint (or anything else ) & pressure you.

 

You'll know when it's the right man, and he'll be honored to find such a special gal. If he doesn't agree with that (especially after only 1 week, not like it's been 6 months)...he definitely is not worth it.

 

 

Best wishes...stay strong & make your own decision when you're ready.

 

Woobiegirl

[DealingWithIt]

i believe that if you have sex with this guy who you've only known for less than a week....you'll definitely regret it afterwards. don't you want your first time to be special? or be with a guy you love?

 

from the looks of it...once this guy gets what he wants, he'll throw you out like yesterday's newspaper.

 

good luck!

[kali171]

The worst mistake I ever made was believing that sex could help me "not lose" a guy.

 

I think it inappropriate and indecent for him to be pressuring you into sex. Sex is a big decision - and there are many strings attached to it - STDs, pregnancy, and intense emotions. It doesn't sound like you really know him - and virginity is something to you can only lose once. Make sure you do it with someone special that you will not regret it with 2 months later.

[Beec]

The more I think about this, the more the short period you have known him bothers me. If it was a month that you had known him, I could begin to change my thinking, but it is only a week. Such a shor ttime, that seems way to short to put any pressure on.

[Spanish eyes]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate them. It's great that I can share this with someone and get others' points of view. I'm definitely going to find the courage to talk about all this stuff with him. I haven't done that yet in a very detailed way but I guess there's no other way. I find it a bit hard because I'm pretty shy and also because there's not so much confidence between us yet, not to mention the language problem! I don't want to give up on him because I want to give him a chance first before making sure he is or isn't the one meant for me. But you all were right in what you said... so it was a good point that I can't have sex just so that he doesn't let go of me. Anyway, thanks again.

[BlueWhale]

If you love the guy, you will do anything for him. I've seen too many examples of men patiently waiting for the girls to be emotionally ready (deceived) and getting into their pants. These men then switched to their next targets.

 

C'mon, why fool yourself. Some men are willing to do anything to get into girls' pants. Patience is still being practiced.

 

Your man is forceful. I like him. That's the kind of man a woman should be hoping to have children with.

[Spanish eyes]

Nevermind about him... it's all over now. I followed most people's advice and didn't give him what he wanted. So that's the reason (I believe) why he tried to cheat on me. Fortunately, I was able to find out so I broke up with him just after 2 weeks dating. I'm pretty okay though as I've jut realised he wasn't worth it.

[Caldus]

He didn't seem like the type of guy to be dating if he wants sex just after meeting you a few times. Just because everyone else your age has had sex doesn't mean you need to. You don't have to follow what everyone else does. You should find the right person first. Good luck!