Shot myself in the foot BIGTIME

[curbie]

I'm laughing at my subject line....actually...I shot my whole leg and an arm off...might as well just kiss it all goodbye! Thought I'd still seek opinions anyway. My ex g/f of 4 years and I spoke lastnight. It grew into a heated argument and she left crying and very upset with me. There were some terrible...bad name callings being thrown around, fingers pointed...the whole ugly thing. I hate myself for doing these things, and I deserve to be in hell for it. I just came home tonight after beating myself up over it...and wrote her a 5 page (small sheets of paper) letter telling her I am sorry, how I need to change my emotions, wished her luck and happieness with her new b/f. She left me back in April of 2004 and fell out of love with me. I don't know how.....but she's able to see another man and sleep with him, make out with him, etc...just after 2 months of breaking up with me. I was yesterday's trash and now she's crazy over this other man. I forgot to mention...I was walking her out to her car, and she was so mad she was gonna punch me. So I grabbed her arms and held them away from me, so she'd not hit me! I guess I hurt her arm by accident. She ran off crying to her car and left. So....ladies....would you accept an apology after the name calling, arguing, hurting the arm or not? Maybe after time...as in years? I am trying not to think of her, b/c the more I think of her and the more I see her, it hurts me that much more. I can't stand the thought of her being with another man after dating me for 4 years and then wham...another man. I can hardly bring myself to talk to another girl, yet alone date another girl! It's really puzzling....how she could do that to me and to herself.

 

Anyhow....ladies - would you forgive a man all in good time or should you never talk to him again? I'm willing to be she'll never talk to me again. She probably won't even read the letter I left her. I drove to her house at night (I work 2nd shift & she works 1st shift) and left a note on her car. I put it underneath the windshield wiper in a baggie in case it rained! Aren't I creative? *LOL*

 

Thanks!

[Meow18]

Its always worth apologizing to her, even if she doesn't forgive you. I would say just give her the note, but don't expect anything out of it. Don't expect that she will forgive you, don't expect that she will even read it. Just give it to her & forget about it. I'm sorry that she's already moved on from you after 4 years, that must be really hard. You need to do the same though. You need to try & move on from her now. If you are having problems moving on, then try no contact for awhile. Thats what seems to work best.

[Mix Maxster]

lol sorry to go against you here people... I don't mean any "flamming" of any sorts so please don't get me wrong. Anyways, I don't always enjoy hearing responses like "do NC man it's the way to go." or "forget about her you messed it up!" blah blah... I know you guys are trying to help and we know that the advice is always appreciated..

 

Curbie, I'm honestly going to take a shot at this and say that I know she'll read it... even though they won't let you know it, they'll read it and then they'll think about it. They won't tell you anything necessarily, but give it time man.. that is where NC comes into play. A bit obvious I would guess but really man childish name calling and insults and that sort of thing stick to someone and I know she wouldn't be quick to forgive you for that. She even may go to extreme lengths to go so far as to find someone new, but there honestly always is hope for everyone.

 

My mind is completely blank right now with things to say, I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help... but perhaps another time I'll write something better. In the mean time man, you said things and you didn't mean it.... If I were you I would have explained myself (even though you dont' have to) I would have told her (if I was in your position) that I acted out of line because I couldn't believe you... it seemed so fake and insincere that I didn't think that was you so I lashed out because I couldn't believe it. I know it's hard to understand and may seem foolish, but we have been together for a long time and although it may not be the same for you it meant a DAMN lot to me and I wasn't ready to see it go away like it did. I acted out of line because I was so angry we had to break up, I didn't see it coming and frankly I'm sorry it had to because I know we're both two people looking for love and I thought I had a great chance at giving you just that. There was many things I did to push you away which I am aware of and felt I should have fixed before this happened, but that's obviously my punishment for not having done something sooner and I can only hope that now that somehow you can try and forgive me or not resent me like I feel you would because of everything I did. I offer my apologies because I know I was out of line and I'm sorry for that, although I was angry and felt hurt I shouldn't have come accross like I did and I hope you don't take offense to it. If you can ever forgive me I would be grateful because I don't see how I can ever be forgiven. Take care of yourself and don't ever settle for second best.. it's unfortunate how rare it is to find someone who actually cares about another person.

 

That's pretty much what I would say lol but then again I'm only one person, what did u say?

[cassiana]

She will of course read your letter. All people are curious. We may steam a letter open and shut it, but we always read it. It is obvious at this stage that you are not in control of your emotions. You are at the how could the callous ??????? do that to me? I've been there quite recently myself. It is a cold and friendless land. While you are at that stage you will only end up doing something stupid and NC is advised. As you get distance, you get perspective. You decide do I still want this person? What would be the best way to get her back. (Violence, weakness and guilt don't work, but a makeover and an air of almost indifference makes a gal rethink, hmmm ) If thats not possible or you don't want to reconcile, then plunder the experience for future use and take a break from gender warfare for awhile. Every soldier is entitled to a break after his tour of duty.

When all seems lost ponder the career of John Travolta. In the early nineties he couldnt get himself arrested, then pulp Fiction and hes hollywood A list again. Did he suddenly become handsomer or a better actor. No. Instead Tarantino simply pointed out and reminded a fickle worl of what was always there. Travolta didn't change, but by being in that film he changed people's perceptions of him. There's a lesson there.

About the hitting. It is a huge taboo. My mother was beaten by her brother and had it beaten (figuratively0 into me and my brothers that it is unacceptable period. If a man beat me I would be very very very very very very slow to forgive him. Having said that from what I can gather you weren't full on violent. Its really hard for me to judge but if you were rough, rather than dominating, aggressive ot violent, then eventual forgiveness is possible. I suppose it depends on how threatened she felt.

For yourself, don't let your emotions rule your head again. You'll get further doing vice versa.

 

good luck.

[Scout]

If she was about to punch you, and you were honestly just trying to restrain her, I don't understand why you should be feeling guilty. She was the one that was going to get physically violent.

 

I am not sure if you should send the letter you wrote RIGHT after this unfortunate incident where all kind of emotions are still in turmoil. Might want to give it a few days.

 

Fact is, she broke up with you, she's with someone else...she tried to punch you...what is it you're needing to apologize for? I'm confused.

[curbie]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I appreciate the feedback.

 

scout> I feel bad, because of what I've done. I know where you're coming from, but quite honestly I still felt bad because of the name-calling, and just hurting her feelings in general. At first, I felt bitterness, and resent to even talk to her, but I can't honestly do that to someone I was with and loved 4 years. No way! She was my first true love and she was my first true love. I just can't comprehend how she can leave me, then go to another man in just 2 months like I was nothing. Oh well....doesn't really matter anymore with her. I appreciate your input, though.

 

Mix Maxster> You pretty much summed it up for me in my letter to her. I just wonder if she'll forgive me or not. I hope so, but guess I won't expect it....or expect anything back like maggie18 suggests.

 

maggie18>

I'm sorry that she's already moved on from you after 4 years, that must be really hard.

 

You have NO idea how hard it is I am trying to move on though. Just like you suggested. The more I think about it, (her) or the more I see her....it's only going to just hurt me more. I just can't stand the thought of her $%#@'ing some other guy just after 2 months of leaving me! But who can?

[cassiana]

He should apologise to her because a man should never ever ever hit a woman, no matter what provocation. Men are physically stronger than women. Generally a woman's punch can do little damage whereas a man can do considerable damage. Its like taking a rifle out and blowing the brains out of someone who squirted you with a waterpistol. Its not comparing like with like at all. A real man should know that and restrain himself. The classy thing to do would be and apologise unreservedly for hitting her, no excuses he shouldn't have done it.

 

Having said that she should never have tried to punch you. A real lady would know that a real man would never hit her and so would not use this taboo to her advantage. So basically both sides left themselves down there.

I would hope as he makes his Im sorry and theres no excuse for hitting you apology she would have the class to acknowledge her own part in the saga. That would see both of them behaving in a civilised manner. She will never acknowledge it though if he goes in saying im sorry I hit you but you asked for it. Thats wifebeater talk. If he says we were both overwrought but I should never have raised my hand to you no matter what, then hopefully she will cut him some slack. You have to meet a woman in the middle.

 

As for her dumping him, she did and he has nothing to apologise for there. However if he wants her back he would do well to follow some NC.

P.S.

If a woman tries to shoot you, shoot back, because that's comparing like with like.

[Scout]

I just wasn't sure if he actually hit her - my impression was he was just trying to hold her arms back or something to keep her from punching him. I certainly don't advocate a man hitting a woman, or vice versa.

[curbie]

scout> You're right - I didn't hit her. I grabbed her arms to prevent her from hitting me.

 

cassiana> Yeah...the NC will have to do some good here. I was doing a good job at it for about 2 weeks, and then all of the sudden, wham....I needed to see her or talk to her and see how things were going. I should've just stayed away from her and none of this would've happened.

[Mix Maxster]

Ya man it seems we all have such a hard time dealing with it, but wouldn't you do the same thing if you were in her position? Would you want to sit around moping, thinking you made a mistake, crying, not eating, feeling depressed and questioning existence? Or would you forget about it or try to forget about it and find someone new to take your mind away from it. "out of sight, out of mind" is what my ex said to me and I believe her. Think about it, wouldn't you do the same? If you were afraid to be alone and you felt hurt, wouldn't you try to find someone else who would make you feel better? I know I would.

 

Don't worry about her now man, you really did say what you could and you now need to give it plenty of time. I hope you included in there that you hope one day she'll try to talk to you or something along those lines just to know how she's doing. It's not desperation if you hold out from talking to her right? Let her come to you, but she at least has to know she wants to lol. So really man in your position, you said what you wanted to and I know she will read it and several reactions will take place... unfortunately she probably didn't want them lol but it'll happen because she cares and that's something she may one day realize. Just make sure you end this jealousy or rage you have for her finding someone new because they call it a rebound bf for a reason. Now think about it.

[ifyoucantdodgeitramit88]

What you need to do is just let her calm down fromt he whole thing let her think about what she said you think about what you said and take it from there kinda let her come back to you unless she doesn't come back then thats kinda telling you that I don't want to talk to you anymore or its saying that i i don't want to get in another argument so i don't want to talk you got to be the judge on what you want to do.

[Michael2]

Lets get to the point here.

 

Leave her alone. She cried, you two yelled at eachother as if you were savages and she was injured during the encounter. From an outside perspective, and taking away the sugar coating this board is infamous for, I would say that you have no choice but to leave her alone.

 

Take the letter you wrote, and throw it in the garbage, it will have a greater impact then her reading it. If you couldnt get your point accross verbally, then she will consider you gutless if you attempt to send that letter. She is mad at you, the letter will have NO impact what so ever, if it does, it will be anger and resentment. She will know, the only reason you are writing that letter is because you messed up and you are attempting to save face. This will in turn drive her closer to her new boyfriend. If I were in your shoes, I would go on with my life. You attempted to mend fences and it still crumbled. Let her heal, let her develop her own perspective. The less you try, the harder they come back. Think of it this way. Have youever played raquetball. WEll the simple concept is this. The harder you hit that ball away from you, the harder and stronger it will come back. Make believe she is the ball, push her away and out of your mind.

[danimal77]

Been a few days since I posted on the forum, but I like your advice Michael. You have always been direct and to the point, even with me back in February.

 

Curbie, I feel for you man. You tried, but what's most effective at time, is when we don't have to try so hard and just be natural and not force the issue too much. Look, I've been there man and you feel terrible about it. You hate yourself for hurting them as much as you did, but they do get over it. Trust me, they do.

 

As for the other guy, well, wish I can be encouraging about that. It was a 2 year relationship and she left me just over a month ago and only 2 days ago joined a single's chat line, because she's probably lonely and as Mix Master put it, is trying to fill the void. It's an easy outlet for them. While we're fixated on getting them back after they leave, they have just as much fixation to find someone else to temporarily and in some cases, permanently take away the pain. I wouldn't worry too much about that.

 

Here's a trick I used last time my ex left me and she hopped on the single chat's for hours a day and began dating. Everytime I thought of her being with another man, I started to smile. I swear to God, I smiled and I didn't feel as bad and eventually, when I did approach her after 12 days of NC, (which isn't the case today. I'm on 23 days of NC right now) she was firstly a lot more receptive and more importantly I wasn't angry at her. She was taking care of herself, but that doesn't mean that she may not want you to be that person to do it for her again one day and possibly in the near future, but as many people on here said, you can't let your emotions guide you. If you can't control yourself, don't go in. Wait it out, because you'll regret having done so.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[curbie]

Thanks everyone for your help/advice. It is greatly appreciated and taken to heart. As for her reading the letter....it is too late. I've left it on her car the other night and she read it. I think....But...ok..I'll take the raquet ball concept and use it and smile a lot more the times I think she's with another man Danimal. I need to straighten my head on my shoulders and regroup, so thanks again everyone for the suggestions/advice you've given.